kv816

I bought Melody Beattie's Codependent No More about 6 months ago. Started reading it, lost interest and put it away. I picked it back up last night and started reading again. I read something this morning that really struck me and I wanted to share it.

I've read a lot on here lately of people not sure if they should go or not. I was one of those people--asking myself that question a dozen times. Everything would be fine between us until one of his drunken nights. We'd get into a fight; yelling, screaming, throwing verbal and emotional punches. I'd get scared and angry and I'd leave, swearing I'd never return. But the dust always settled and I always went back.

I don't know if this will help anyone else but I wanted to share it, just in case. It was a real blow to the gut for me.

Figure out what you need to do to take care of yourself. make your decisions based on reality, and make them from a peaceful state......When you make your decision keep in mind what you responsibilities are. You are not responsible for making other people "see the light," and you do not need to "set them straight." You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight. If you can't get peaceful about a decision, let it go. It's not time to make it yet. Wait until your mind is consistent and your emotions are calm.

Slow down. You don't have to feel so frightened. You don't have to feel so frantic.

KeepPedaling

Great information. I got the audio book about 2 weeks ago. I listen to it a lot and have found so much that is comforting and helpful. Thanks for posting.

Dreamer42long

That's huge.

I went to my library over the weekend, and both the book and the audio book were out. I guess there are a lot of codie's in my town!

It's on my must-read list.

Right now I'm reading Codependance and the Power of Detachment by Karen Casey

CatsPajamas

I was able to find a copy at our local Half Priced Bookstore. I think I own most everything Melody Beattie has written. There were many many times I would read something and say she's been following me around and is speaking directly to me!

I have to say, I agree with the quote above, about making a decision from a peaceful state. I've learned that if I am filled with angst and worry about something, it's not the time to make a decision. Most of my good decisions have come gently and peacefully.

Thank GOD for recovery!

kv816

I've been doing pretty good as far as books go. I got Melody Beattie at Amazon for $4.01 (2 cents for the book and $3.99 shipping). I bought One Day At A Time brand new from Walden Books ($13 I think). I got Courage To Change from a yard sale for 50 cents. And I got another one (haven't dug into it yet) from an Alanon meeting. I'll bring that one back eventually; so it can be passed on to the next someone like me.

JenT1968

well, maybe. I love melody beatie's books, but sometimes there's a bit of sweeping generalisation there that I feel can be unsafe if taken literally.

waiting to make a decision, is a decision, it is a decision to stay in the staus quo for right now. I think it important to acknowledge that, to understand that we have choices and are constantly making decisions, we are not paralysed or trapped.

However, there are situations that demand decisions now. We may not have the luxury of waiting for our progress to catch up with the reality of life. Sometimes situations demand that we make a particular decision and take action now.

e.g.

The plane is sinking, shall I get into the life boat now or wait until rescue arrives. I am scared: ooohhh this must not be the right time for the decision.

e.g.

My husband is taking the kids in the car, he is drunk, should I call the police, I feel scared and ashamed and quilty, I'm not sure if we will ever come back from this.....oooh this must not be the right time for a decision.

There are other times when there is no objectively "right" decision, all that matters is that one is made.

"would madam like a baked potatoe or a salad with her salmon?" ooh I like both, which should I have, I'm not entirely sure....... I'll tell the waiter tommorrow

or

There's a car heading straight for me, should I jump left or right, there's a ditch on the left and a fence on the right which would hurt most, I am not at compete peace with this I'll decide another time and do nothing right now.

or
my doctor says I must stop drinking or I am going to develop a health problem, I can't "get peaceful" with that right now, I'll decide later.

deciding to postpone a major decision is of course fine, but waiting until we are completely at harmony with the choice is not always the way to go. I have made alot of my progress making decisions I found acutely uncomfortable at the time. Soon after I had made them I came to be at peace with them, but not before.

Some of that was a decision just not to do what I had routinely done before, it felt horrible, it produced results. Perhaps that's just me, perhaps I have to push my stubborn butt from behind and drag my arms from the front into progress, whilst others glide serenely into postition.

just my experience

kv816

I understand where you're coming from but, for me, I didn't take what she said as meaning wait to make minor no big deal decisions nor should you wait to make a decision if the options are life or death. I took it as meaning a decision that will affect the rest of your life. Obviously, for victims of domestic violence if you're life is in danger by staying but you really don't want to leave, you really do need to leave for safety reasons.

When I left xabf 9 months ago I was angry. He had been drinking, he was acting stupid and childish and I was aggravated and disappointed and ticked off at him. I've had a lot of peace since I moved out on my own. My life is slowly getting back in order and I have more strength and confidence than I did when I was with him. But I wish I had stayed. There was a lot of unfinished business, both between us and for myself to make being on my own better.

gerryP

KV816,

You cannot communicate with someone who is not interested in communicating.

I think it may serve you tremendously, if you make a decision to let this go for good and retain regular outside professional help so that you can work through the anger and hurt that you are feeling which I think (IMHO) is preventing you from moving forward in your own life. There are some things in life that need to be put in the past and left in the past. Cut your losses and move forward. It is a GOOD thing that you have learned what you have about your XABF and did not make your relationship *permanent* (that is supposed to be the purpose of *dating*) Hun, You are beating a dead horse and need to find a way to let this anger and hurt go.......

gerryP

JENT1968,

I agree completely with what you opine and have written.

I know with myself, I have made "a decision" to stay in an unhealthy mind space because I 'got something out of being there' instead of making "the decision" to get the help I needed to understand why I derived comfort in feeling anger and hurt past the time frame that is considered healthy.

I believe that we must all process and feel healthy emotions, but there comes a time when it becomes destructive. There are decisions that must be made but we often prefer not to, so we justify not doing so by telling ourselves that we are not ready. That may be true, but it is beneficial for us to make a decision that is uncomfortable for us so that we can only then become at peace with the decision.

silkspin

I think there is validity in both perspectives, depending on the decision that is facing us. Some decisions require immediate action, peaceful or not, such as the ones JenT gave examples of.

Then there are decisions that we come across more subtly in our relationships. Too many times we decide something out of anger instead of calming down first to try and think rationally. My relationship wasn't mean or abusive, but alcohol was definitely causing a lot of problems. At times I thought about it too much and agonized whether this relationship was worth saving. I think in some cases it's very clear cut, with domestic abuse, violence, driving drunk with kids etc. This was not my case. So whenever I thought too hard about it, I couldn't pinpoint either way what my path should be. So I let it go. And then came an incident and there was no more anger or yelling. Something clicked, and very calmly I knew what I had to do and asked him to leave. It came so naturally and I knew in my heart this was the right thing to do at the time.

I think we've all been in situations, simple or complex, where we try too hard and the answer just won't come. This in al anon is where we try to 'force solutions'. And then you sleep on it or stop thinking about it and all of a sudden the answer pops into your head. I think this is what Melody Beattie is trying to say. I don't believe she means to sit on your hands when you're facing an immediate dangerous situation, or to sit in denial when something is staring us in the face. I think she's saying that it's ok to wait if you feel you must wait and not act just because others may be wanting something from you. Us codies are famous for doing that. If you're not sure then you have the power to not make a decision, just like you have the power to make one.

Gypsy Feet

I know I can be paralyzed by fear, which will make any decision agonizing for me. Usually those are the times when I really do need to make a move.

Chrysalis123

I did this too....for years and years. I dwelt in my unhealthy mind space, it was an obsession I could not break until I sought therapy to understand it.

I still have a very strong tendency to go to that dark space and have to work my recovery extra hard when those times come.

My dis-ease manifests with being paralyzed with understanding all the hows and whys...didn't matter if the other person was robbing me and setting my house on fire, I still got stuck making the decision to leave because I might "upset" him.....crazy thinking if you ask me.

This is a great discussion, by the way!

JenT1968

I agree with you, I just think the context is worth emphasising. It's that "wisdom to know the difference" conundrum

I told H I wanted to stop living with him 10 months ag. He moved out 7 months ago.

FWIW I did stay, for a long time before that: years and years. there is no point wishing I hadn't, because that is what I did. There's also no way of predicting what my life would have been like if I hadn't: pointless exercise. I can only say that the decisions I made back then can't have been all bad as I am alive to tell the tale, and i feel better now than I did a year ago.

We didn't sort anything between us out, it got murkier and more confusing, and I didn't get any better really, financially, emotionally etc.

Cowgirl1265

I think (sadly) that this can be somewhat normal. My husband and I separated about 4 1/2 months ago. Because we have children together and are sharing parenting time, we have a lot of contact. A lot. And there are days now when I feel I've fallen so far back down the mountain that I'm not even where I was when I first asked him to move out. Those are the days I rely very heavily on my HP, on SR and on my therapist. There are other days when I feel so free of all the anger and the need to prove him wrong that I know, just KNOW that I am getting better, regardless of where he is on that journey.