SadButHopeful

I guess I have been in the process of accepting that my dh is an alcoholic. I've been so angry for so long at him for his behavior. Now I'm learning that it's a disease.

So, how do I accept without enabling? I'm going to do my best to remember that it's a disease that I have no control over, so when he does drink, I'm going to really try and not be angry. So, if I accept that he is drinking, will that enable him?

BTW I went to my 2nd Al-Anon meeting on Saturday. I'm so glad I found them. I came out of there so encouraged and felt like I was going to have peace. After a really difficult week I even felt that I loved my husband more.

Dreamer42long

Al-anon is your first big step towards learning how not to enable. It's so easy to enable, even when you think you're not doing it, sometimes you are as it was in my case:

My ABF always drank alone at his house. If I called him and discovered that he was drunk he would say, "Just leave me alone, let me do what I need to do and I'll call you on ...(whatever)...

I was conflicted because he wanted me to leave him alone so he could drink. I knew I didn't want to be around him when he drank (he knew he couldn't come to my house drunk), but was my leaving him alone ENABLING him? By not associating with him when he was drunk, I was giving him what he wanted. Isn't that enabling?

So you see, you'll never know on your own what behaviors are enabling and which aren't. Visiting SR, going to Al-anon meetings, and perhaps a counselor also will help you learn which behaviors will enable HIM, specifically your AH.

Good Luck and keep posting!

Pelican

There are three steps in recovery, 3 A's:

Aware
Accept
Action

I became aware of my AH's addiction to alcohol.
I learned to accept that he was addicted to alcohol and that I did not cause it, I could not control it, and I would not cure it. I accepted that it was his addiction. His life. His choice.
I took action to protect myself physically from his anger, financially from his lack of responsibility, and legally to protect myself and children from his continued drinking.

When we join Alanon we are aware that there is a problem with alcohol for a loved one.
When we read Step 1, we admit that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. Followed by Steps 2 & 2, we are accepting our powerlessness and accepting that we need help to recover from our loved ones addiction.
The rest of the steps are our plan of action.

Enabling is something I did when I was trying to control my alcoholic. I would move money from my account to his to keep him from bouncing a check or getting an overdraft fee. I would wake him up when he passed out on the couch and remind him to go to bed. I would remind him to eat before he went to the game with the other drunks. Enabling kept me attached to his drinking.

JenT1968

Not in my opinion, it's putting your own needs first, no matter what he chooses to do, which is healthy. What he chooses to do with that time is out of your influence, he is an adult, he gets to live his life the way he wants.

IMO, focussing on what is and what isn't enabling, is still a codependent behaviour. I spent AGES worrying about the minutiae of what effect my

• listening/not listening,
• being in the room/not being in the room,
• buying the beer/not buying the beer,
• saying x/not saying x,
• cooking dinner/not cooking dinner, etc etc

was going to have on H and his drinking.

Notice the problem here?

enabling, shmenabling.
You can't control anyone else's behaviour.
You can't control anyone else's behaviour.
You can't control anyone else's behaviour.

Full stop (or in US venacular period!). If he wants to drink he will, he'll find an excuse for it no matter what, if he wants to stop, nothing you can do can prevent him.

Again in my opinion, the first steps are all about grabbing your focus and arm-wrestling it back onto you, and everytime it slips back onto him dragging it back again. Which is hard, it, like all of this, takes practice. I wasn't used to it, my attention "naturally" turned to others, always. Of course it wasn't natural, I had just been trained to think like that, but that was great, it meant that I could train myself to think differently.

Its not about deep, searching, fault finding missions, its not even all about owning our part, taking responsibility etc, its also about rediscovering our joy, self care, having fun, learning to love our lives, discovering our wants and needs and likes and finding out how we can nuture what we find joy in.

so what about you, SBH, what would you like to do today, just for you, with no refernece to any other person or circumstance?

((hugs))

SadButHopeful

I'm thinking! Oh dear it's so hard to let go of my old way of being sad and depressed when he's drinking. I have been trying to enjoy myself on my own. Let's see, last night I logged into Netflix and had a good laugh watching SNL's best of Chris Farley & Adam Sandler

Not sure about tonight, will probably browse through more Netflix while I'm snuggling with the baby.

Thanks, hope you are all well too