(warning triggers)
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
(warning triggers)
Let me say first off, I HATE DRUGS, I hate them, I hate them, I hate them.
Yesterday was Brett's funeral. They showed a video of his life from birth through his child hood to adulthood and finely to fatherhood. The last pictures of him as he held his newborn son.
And the pictures told such a sad story without anyone having to say a word.
It was two entirely different people. The loving sweet wonderful young man that would do anything for anyone at anytime, the one that loved his mom and wasn't afraid to show it.
Then there were the ones that his eyes were empty, sad, lost, trapped.
I wanted to reach out and snatch him from those pictures and hold him and make that look go away, make it all better.
And I thought about you guys, and your daily struggle watching your loved ones become that same stranger, the other person. Powerless to stop it.
I prayed for all of you, I prayed so very hard, I begged for God to please, please stop this madness. Not to put another mother through this.
Bretts Mom spoke, not just about Brett, but she spoke to that room packed full of young people who loved Brett. And she begged them to stop. To look at her son laying there, and stop. To ask for help. To fight that other person inside of them trying to steal their lives.
I stood by Brett and had my last conversation with him. I told him that when I get to heaven, I'm going to find him and I'm going to kick his ass. His mom and dad chuckled and said, we think she will son. Then I told him how very much I loved him, and to please watch over us, help save those he left behind.
Then my daughter spoke. She spoke of things I never knew. She told stories of Brett saving her, watching out for her, guiding and directing her to make better choices in her life. How he didn't want her to make the mistake of even starting down that road. How he had such a huge impact on her and because of that, how she chose a different path.
I now know that Brett did win the war between himself and his other self. The real Brett saved others even when he couldn't save himself. I will forever be grateful for that.
Please lord, forgive that other Brett, and forgive all of our loved ones that battle this disease.
I love all of you. Not just the friends and family here, but our addicts too. I pray for us all.
Yesterday was Brett's funeral. They showed a video of his life from birth through his child hood to adulthood and finely to fatherhood. The last pictures of him as he held his newborn son.
And the pictures told such a sad story without anyone having to say a word.
It was two entirely different people. The loving sweet wonderful young man that would do anything for anyone at anytime, the one that loved his mom and wasn't afraid to show it.
Then there were the ones that his eyes were empty, sad, lost, trapped.
I wanted to reach out and snatch him from those pictures and hold him and make that look go away, make it all better.
And I thought about you guys, and your daily struggle watching your loved ones become that same stranger, the other person. Powerless to stop it.
I prayed for all of you, I prayed so very hard, I begged for God to please, please stop this madness. Not to put another mother through this.
Bretts Mom spoke, not just about Brett, but she spoke to that room packed full of young people who loved Brett. And she begged them to stop. To look at her son laying there, and stop. To ask for help. To fight that other person inside of them trying to steal their lives.
I stood by Brett and had my last conversation with him. I told him that when I get to heaven, I'm going to find him and I'm going to kick his ass. His mom and dad chuckled and said, we think she will son. Then I told him how very much I loved him, and to please watch over us, help save those he left behind.
Then my daughter spoke. She spoke of things I never knew. She told stories of Brett saving her, watching out for her, guiding and directing her to make better choices in her life. How he didn't want her to make the mistake of even starting down that road. How he had such a huge impact on her and because of that, how she chose a different path.
I now know that Brett did win the war between himself and his other self. The real Brett saved others even when he couldn't save himself. I will forever be grateful for that.
Please lord, forgive that other Brett, and forgive all of our loved ones that battle this disease.
I love all of you. Not just the friends and family here, but our addicts too. I pray for us all.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
This has changed my life. And these last few weeks, I have allowed the codie in me to come out full blast. I will get back to letting go and letting God. But for now, it is helping me vent my anger and frustrations....and fear.
I have been online every day defending him against the haters. The ones that feel an addict's life is not a loss. There is just so much hate out there. I figure it's OK to fight Brett's fight right now. But it is consuming me.
Every time I see a gas can, I think, that's what a human life is worth to people, that dirty nasty can. I look at the "things" that I own, and I really don't care any more if I loose them, they aren't important.
Life is important, people are important, even our enemy's are important, the haters that don't understand addiction, they too are important.
So once again, I'm having to step back and learn to let go. But before I can do that, I have to learn to let go of my own hate, my own judgements. I didn't realize how much of it I still had in me.
B
I have been online every day defending him against the haters. The ones that feel an addict's life is not a loss. There is just so much hate out there. I figure it's OK to fight Brett's fight right now. But it is consuming me.
Every time I see a gas can, I think, that's what a human life is worth to people, that dirty nasty can. I look at the "things" that I own, and I really don't care any more if I loose them, they aren't important.
Life is important, people are important, even our enemy's are important, the haters that don't understand addiction, they too are important.
So once again, I'm having to step back and learn to let go. But before I can do that, I have to learn to let go of my own hate, my own judgements. I didn't realize how much of it I still had in me.
B
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
Frankly, I'm so sorry for your great loss. As I sit here crying & reading what your heart is saying and feeling, I want you to know that I'm with you and feeling the same way about drugs and those who use them and am one of those Mothers who is watching her beautiful son kill himself with drugs, as we speak. Those sunken & hollow eyes.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Ahhh Frankly, your post brought tears to my eyes. So many things we will never understand....
A gas can is not worth human life it was but a tragic sequence of events.
I remember when we were kids, we watched my uncle get shot over an
argument about a dog. Even as he crawled begging the mån to stop, he didn't.
It was confusing to say the least and I saw and heard things from adults that
I will never forget.
Eventually it was just another one of those heavy lessons that made me know
I had to live my best life and never take anything for granted.
I think it's hard sometimes to keep finding and seeing the good out there, but
there is more good than bad.
There are many ways you can fight Bretts fight, the haters online imo, aren't worthy of your time. Fighting haters just keeps you held in the wrath of hate and stops you from healing. I agree they need to be informed, but
I also know how hateful people can be on the net.
There are so many kids/teens/people out there who would love your time and energy.
For me it was really helpful to volunteer at shelters and teens homeless places.
I've done that many times, so has my Mom in our worst times, it is one of the most healing things that I've ever done. Just a thought.
Just kind of rambling, I can somewhat relate and remember the pain everyone I knew was in over something so senseless.
Lots of love to you.
A gas can is not worth human life it was but a tragic sequence of events.
I remember when we were kids, we watched my uncle get shot over an
argument about a dog. Even as he crawled begging the mån to stop, he didn't.
It was confusing to say the least and I saw and heard things from adults that
I will never forget.
Eventually it was just another one of those heavy lessons that made me know
I had to live my best life and never take anything for granted.
I think it's hard sometimes to keep finding and seeing the good out there, but
there is more good than bad.
I have been online every day defending him against the haters. The ones that feel an addict's life is not a loss. There is just so much hate out there. I figure it's OK to fight Brett's fight right now. But it is consuming me.
I also know how hateful people can be on the net.
There are so many kids/teens/people out there who would love your time and energy.
For me it was really helpful to volunteer at shelters and teens homeless places.
I've done that many times, so has my Mom in our worst times, it is one of the most healing things that I've ever done. Just a thought.
Just kind of rambling, I can somewhat relate and remember the pain everyone I knew was in over something so senseless.
Lots of love to you.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
You are right Done. I don't know why I feel compelled to even read some of the stuff, let alone respond. Maybe even using it to punish myself a little. I know, even before you say it, I don't deserve punishment, I can't really explain, but it makes me feel like I'm protecting him from any more pain. Like somehow that could still save him.
Now his girlfriend has asked if she can stay with my daughter. She no longer has a place to live with the baby. But she is an addict too and I feel horrible because I don't think it's safe for my daughter and grandbaby to be in the same house with her. What if she leaves a pill out or drops something and Jordan gets ahold of it. I have to tell her no. I know she is going to claim she is clean, but I just can't take that chance. And it makes me feel horrible. If drugs were not an issue, I would take her in, I would do everything I could for her, but they are an issue. I feel like I'm turning away Bretts son, like I'm letting him down somehow.
Letting go and stepping out of HP's way is very hard to do right now, but I promise to try my very best to do just that. Just have to gather up those tools that I dropped.
Thank you guys for listening. I know you understand and that gives me comfort.
Now his girlfriend has asked if she can stay with my daughter. She no longer has a place to live with the baby. But she is an addict too and I feel horrible because I don't think it's safe for my daughter and grandbaby to be in the same house with her. What if she leaves a pill out or drops something and Jordan gets ahold of it. I have to tell her no. I know she is going to claim she is clean, but I just can't take that chance. And it makes me feel horrible. If drugs were not an issue, I would take her in, I would do everything I could for her, but they are an issue. I feel like I'm turning away Bretts son, like I'm letting him down somehow.
Letting go and stepping out of HP's way is very hard to do right now, but I promise to try my very best to do just that. Just have to gather up those tools that I dropped.
Thank you guys for listening. I know you understand and that gives me comfort.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Laguna Niguel
Posts: 135
I understand Brett and feel sad and hurt for you.I'm a father,brother a friend to others but I'm a addict and could Not stop useing drugs until I took the first step and I'm still not safe,God save us all
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Frankly, I was angry when I had to accept that I could not help my son, I was angry at addiction and how it robbed us of those we love and sucked the life right out of them.
What helped me get past the anger was to work with those who offered help, to donate to the Salvation Army and other places that offered an alternative, and to pray and ask God to watch over each addict who struggled.
I remember at one of my worst moments, reading the saying "It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness". I needed to curse for a while, needed to get it all out....and then I was able to begin lighting candles.
Keeping you in my prayers, and all who loved Brett. Lighting a candle in his memory today.
Hugs
What helped me get past the anger was to work with those who offered help, to donate to the Salvation Army and other places that offered an alternative, and to pray and ask God to watch over each addict who struggled.
I remember at one of my worst moments, reading the saying "It's better to light a candle than to curse the darkness". I needed to curse for a while, needed to get it all out....and then I was able to begin lighting candles.
Keeping you in my prayers, and all who loved Brett. Lighting a candle in his memory today.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by frankly 
Now his girlfriend has asked if she can stay with my daughter.....I have to tell her no. I know she is going to claim she is clean, but I just can't take that chance. And it makes me feel horrible. If drugs were not an issue, I would take her in, I would do everything I could for her, but they are an issue. I feel like I'm turning away Bretts son, like I'm letting him down somehow.
I think that when you tell the gf "no" you will say it in the heartfelt way you did there. The stakes are too high. (Perhaps she will choose to get clean and sober now)
Also, you know that you are on a different track right now. For awhile. It's called grief. You are grieving; it's ok.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
