transformyself

As predicted, a week of living with, trying to work with and dealing with my AH while also trying to take care of the kids, pack, deal with a sick child, my own illness and working--all while supposedly packing up to vacate our foreclosed former marital home is really wearing on me.

I was fine until yesterday, when AH took the futon mattress he slept with OW on for four months during his affair last summer out of the garage and leaned it up against the house. Every time I went out side I felt like I was being punched in the stomach. When we first tried reconciling, he wanted to use it in the house and I had to EXPLAIN to him how it made me feel. What a selfish jerk.

Yeah, so lots of triggers and I'm exhausted and he's raging at me again and I feel like I did before I moved out except I did move out and at times come back here to my house to move stuff and work and post and check in on you folks here but other wise I feel myself moving into crazy agian.

I actually was looking for the gasoline can to burn that mattress in the yard when he came home.

Oh. She's angry.

So, forget all that detached with kindness crap I was spouting on Monday. A week in the house with AH killed that. Now I"m just working on biting my tongue and not saying horrible things to him. Oh, and also fighting the urge to cry and ask him why he doesnt' want to work on our marriage.

WTF???????

I DON'T WANT TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE.
Why do I shift into this role?

Who cares? The quicker I get out of there the better. I"m going to pick up the truck right now. My stuff isn't all packed yet, but he can use it to load up his stuff while I finish packing.

I really hate him right now.

Pelican

My anger resurfaced when the house was forclosed. The closer the date came the stronger it grew. There is no room for any fantasy of reconcilliation and happily ever after when the family home is auctioned off. All the broken promises were brought back into my thoughts. All the "this time will be different" hopes were resurrected.

Lots of anger at him.

Then it switched back to me. I was angry at myself again for holding onto a thread of fantasy. I was angry for believing the promises. I was angry for giving one more chance when there were already too many chances. But this time when I turned my anger back towards myself, I was kinder to myself and quicker with my own forgiveness. I have learned to take better care of myself.

Transform, you are still transforming. Being aware of what you are feeling is healthy.

Hang in there, this too will pass.

transformyself

Pelican you are so wise. And kind. And forgiving.
Thank you.

dothi

It's force of habit. How long have you danced this song and dance in your brain before you got to the point you're at now? It's the worst of the crazy-making - where the older parts of your brain are still reinforcing the very crazy-making thinking that you're trying to escape!

You are doing very well in catching yourself and not letting those old mental habits draw you back in. As Pelican said, the frustration is part of the process, but it too will pass. Hang in there!

wanting

Transform, I got sucked in over Thanksgiving. Blegh. But, it has strengthened my resolve to continue on in no contact. It's too easy to get sucked in. He comes up with new maneuvers that I can't possibly anticipate! I was prepared for him to be a jerk, but I wasn't prepared for him to start sobbing and apologizing! So, I handled it in a way that the old me would have handled it. Bad, bad, bad. No contact is my only hope.

Startingover2

Im sorry you are triggering. I have yet to go over to exah's house with baby because of OW and every other single woman he has slept with there. Yuck. Makes me sick. I get anxiety when I drive past his road.

If you can get your stuff packed and get the heck outta there! Get back to your calm place.

BuffaloGal

Transform, hugs-- and at least, you don't have to live with that rage anymore. You're leaving. And it will pass-- which is a good thing, rage is a miserable thing to feel. I totally sympathize with you about the gasoline. A grenade launcher would have worked nicely too.

SO2-- It used to bother me too... and then, how sweet it was, the first time my boyfriend went over to my ex husband's girlfriend's house (where my ex now lives) to pick up my daughter. My ex husband hid upstairs and let his girlfriend deal with my boyfriend.

HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

I feel a lot less of that anxiety now.

transformyself

Hello my dear wonderful SR family.

Just got back, exhausted from packing, sorting through years of stuff and moving. I"m too tired to think right now which is good but I will have to go back tomorrow to move more of the big stuff.

Buffalogal I want a boyfriend too! A big, hunky, sexy, smart, funny boyfriend that adores me. Where is he?

Startingover2

Me too!!! Maybe we should ask that for Christmas!

pray4joy

That is what I thought I was getting with the AH...LOL
He was all that and more "...what a waste of a perfectly good white boy!" (from the movie MANNEQUIN)

I would really be nice to feel cared for warm and not so scared.

ItsmeAlice

Back when I was in the throws of separated from XABF and thought I was going to go insane and homicidal if I had to spend one more day with him, a wise person on here inspired me by reminding me that we can endure damn near anything for the short term if we know that peace and serenity lie on the other side.

As tired as I got packing and moving a 14' truck with little help and mostly drunken resistance on the part of my XABF, as emotionally beaten, as physically broken, and as spiritually tested as I got during those last days, I kept reminding myself that I can endure damn near anything if I just focus on the finish line and keep plugging.

Do everything you can to take care of yourself. Eat as well as you can. Sleep as best you can. Nurse your aches and pains as best you can.

I agree with the previous replies, this will pass. You will get to the end of this trial and your heart and your soul will heal again.

You can endure it. You are that strong. You deserve what lies on the other side.

Hang in there!!!

Alice

Buffalo66

I am pulling for you.

transformyself

Pray
I am pretty ok with being alone, embracing it fully actually. Last summer when we were first seperated I was desperate and lonely, but I like living alone now. It would be nice to have an adoring boyfriend though. It'll happen.


And Alice I so needed to hear your words tonight. You're so sweet and comforting. Thank you. I am feeling stronger-but exhausted. We've had a few fights and he always ends up saying why does it have to be like this? As if he's also baffled about the status of our madness. He even said today that we should get into counceling. What?? Why??

so, the kids are exhausted too and I still have to move some boxes to get the car into the garage and find their clothes and lunchboxes, but am SOOOO happy to be back in my house.

OH, and we'll be working on getting all of my stuff out for the next week I"m sure. But I will NOT be staying there with Sir Drinksalot. Aw hells no..

Thank you everyone!!!

ItsmeAlice

But I will NOT be staying there with Sir Drinksalot

See honey, you are down but you are nowhere near out!

I love action films. I'm okay for a good romantic comedy, but noisy, running, shooting, exploding, impossible stuff with sarcastic one-liners is all me. I think one of my favorite things about them is that no matter how battered and beaten or underdog and desperate the story's hero is, he or she always manages some snarky humor before pulling themselves back up and chasing down the bad guys.

You my friend have an inner action hero, I just know it. As wore out as you are and as foggy as his lost-in-translation conversation may have made you, you still have a little snark in you. I like it!

Give yourself a pat on the back for being more for yourself and your children this weekend than you ever thought you could be, get some rest, and keep taking care of you. Let him rot.

Alice

GiveLove

You ARE my inner action hero, transform. My own parents wouldn't have done a fraction of the things you're going through to better your kids' lives and yours. I know it is exhausting from your perspective, but it is downright amazing from mine.

Hugs, darlin'

transformyself

Oh guys I'm so overwhelmed by your kindness, support and good words. I can't beleive how kind you are to me after I raged at you all. I feel undeserving. I am on another crying jag. I just came from yoga, where my body shut down and my shoulder was screaming so I laid down and cried for half of the class. I haven't been to yoga in weeks and it will take a few more of going 3-4 times a week to be sane again.

My house is full of boxes and stuff and we're not even done yet. The garage is full of crap.

The worst part is the laundry room. You see, I have about 40 boxes stacked up in the laundry room that I have moved (rather my AH has moved and resented it every time) from place to place. many since I left my parents house in 1984. I'm a storyteller for a reason. I keep things. I have thrown out: my sisters prom dress, my dads honorable discharge from the navy. **** that no one else wanted so I said I would keep it. I gave away 7 boxes of clothes my kids have all grown out of. I hated every minute but know it's necessary. I sorted toys that have been thrown into boxes for years.

I even found a grocery list written on the back of a reciept from 1996! What is wrong with me?

I have gone through every thing-and every room except for this last bastion of my kept belongings. I'm not just leaving AH but leaving behind my history. My life told in the story of broken boxes and garbage. I am so tired and behind on my work and afraid that AH doesn't love me and hating his ex girlfriend and right back to where I was when I moved out and afraid I will never write the memoir and never be what I want when I grow up.

I yelled at my kids last night. I was so tired. I can't believe I did that to them. I'm afraid I"m just a monster, just like my father. Just like my mother I disowned 20 years ago after the birth of my first child. It didn't matter that I don't speak to them- the anger and poisen and pain they raged at me went into me like little thorns and they fester and wait and come out when I'm not guarding them, when I'm not careful.

I don't feel like an inner action hero, I don't know why you guys say that to me, I just feel like I ruined my life. Ruined my childrens lives. I"m trying to remember but truly I feel like this cycle of madness wont' stop then because -speaking of action heroes-I am Ripley from the Alien series and this monster, this horrific, screaming, human eating, acid for blood monster waits for me no mattter what. It's in the basement. Where it's always been. Maybe I should go down there and face it myself. Let it embed an egg laying queen in my chest and be done with me.

But I come here and see these wonderful things you've written and it just makes me cry more. I have to go pick up the kids now but I just want to run. Run away from the mother who still holds a strangling grip on me after 20 years, my failed marriages and myself.

thank you though. It really means a lot to me that you think these things about me. I wish my husband did. Or my parents for thta matter.

ItsmeAlice

If you could be all the things to your children that your parents never were to you, would you?
If you could be all the things to a spouse that your spouse never was to you, would you?

If you answered yes to these questions than you are already worthy of the compliments bestowed upon you.

You see, you want more for your children than you were given. You want to give more of yourself than what you've been given, and because you want these things and don't believe settling for crumbs as a child or scraps as a spouse, you CAN and you WILL achieve them.

No one got anywhere doing any damn thing they didn't first aspire to do, transform.

You aspire to have a life of love, happiness, kisses, and squabbles, teases, and hugs, healthy debates, and long heartfelt talks with relationships that feed your soul not feed upon it...AND YOU WILL HAVE IT!!

Ripley's is one tough cookie. Yeah, she had an alien get her in Alien3, but she came back anyway for Alien4 and kicked some serious butt in that one, too. Can't get a good girl down, right?

Alice

transformyself

There is an Alien 4? Are you serious? Why don't I know about that? Why didn't anyone tell me?

ItsmeAlice

Yeah, that's right. I can't believe it myself. That's not including the Alien Vs. Predator series. Oooh, that's another can of action packed worms.

I believe the official title of Alien4 is Alien: Ressurrection. Fitting seeing as how she dies at the end of Alien3. Maybe you're right in that the madness doesn't really stop, it just gets new plotlines.

- sorry if I spoiled that ending there. It came out in 1992. I hope noone is still waiting to see it. HEHE.

Alice

transformyself

Alice this changes everything. I guess I just didn't know about the fourth one, but if she's reborn and kicks the monsters ass, there might still be hope for me!

Seriously. Thank you for the love. It's carrying me right now.