want2Bfree325

I am a mess. It's been 4 days since I kicked out my Ex for finding out that he is using again. I tried to ignore him and then ended up talking to him via text msgs and he's claiming that he just got his medication upped, he applied for medicaid to get into outpatient rehab, and is starting therapy on Monday. I am starting to break and want to give him another chance but I don't know what to do. Financially, I am screwed too. I have a couple hundred dollars saved, no car, and have no idea how I can support my kids. I tried applying for food stamps until I can get back on my feet but there's a good chance I won't get them considering that I live with my mother right now and they base it on her income too. She's highly in debt and I know she can't support us. She says she can but then I will land up being dependent on her who can be very hard to deal with to say the least. In some sick way, I want to give him a chance and get help for myself. I feel like at least I could try to get a job and a car with him and if it doesn't work then I really learn my lesson and move on at least with a plan of action that doesn't require me to be dependent on everyone else. I am ashamed on many levels to even think of him being in my life after everything that has happened. I also do not want to allow myself to go back into co-dependency mode playing the 'sherlock holmes' thing because that's how I was. I don't know what to do, I thought I was stronger than this and I am scared. Just any advice or just support would be greatly appreciated as I really don't know what to do either way.

Thanks....

laurie6781

Sounds like he is QUACKING to me.

He says this happened. He says he applied for Medicaid. He says he is starting therapy Monday.

Yep. QUACKING. Just because 'he says' doesn't mean a damn thing I M H O.

Stay at your Mom's for now at least 30 days. See what his ACTIONS say.

Why jump right back in and subject your children to more of the same? Give yourself a chance to start working on you. Stay stepped back and watch to see if his ACTIONS match his words.

Recovery is a long road for both of you. Naranon or Al-Anon might be a big help for you, have you checked those meetings out. Try at least 6 different ones to see where you feel the most comfortable. One on one counseling could help also. If you call the City or County Health Department they can give you the names of some therapists that work on a 'sliding scale fee' basis. Also, check with your nearest Domestic Violence Center as even though there may not have been physical abuse there has certainly been mental and emotional abuse and they have counselors that can help you.

Please give yourself space, to work on you and just watch the A FROM AFAR to see what he actually chooses to do and ACTUALLY DOES.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

cessy68

I'm glad you are here looking for support.

I've been where you are, by doing the above... and I go back. ... nothing changes. I know you want it to, but it dosen't.

Listen to the people here who have walked this road, it just dosen't work.

Actions,
NOT words.

I know it's hard, when you so desperately want things to be o.k.


Please keep listening to the members who finally 'got it', so you don't keep going like I did.......

Listening to THEM only makes US crazy.

They are not nearly as concerned about THEMSELVES, as we are concerned about THEM.

And it should be the other way around.

Love,
Cess

outtolunch

Going back and being financially dependent upon him, throwing yourself and your child under the tire of addiction, versus

Staying with your mom who is willing, but you feel can be very hard to deal with....

What's really going on here?

teke

i know its hard and probably not what you were hoping to hear but i agree with the others, i've heard the same things for 21yrs, the back and forth continued for just as long and my ah is still saying the same things even though we are not together again.

making plans sounds like a good idea but do you think you can still do that from your moms? there, at least you may be able to think a little clearer without all that drama that usually comes living with addiction. watch his actions, in time you'll know whether or not he is serious about recovery. try taking it one day at a time.

Carol Star

I'd stay with your Mom since she said she can help. You need to protect your kids. I agree with watch his actions.

want2Bfree325

Thanks to everyone who responded. I am not going backwards. I am just starting to find myself being weak right now and having stupid thoughts like that. I know I am better off without him which is why I posted the dumb things I am thinking and feeling so I get a bit of 'tough love' and hear from those who have been through it that this isn't the right way to go.

rayofsunshine

Hi want2befree. Glad you are here sharing. Keep reading and posting. You may feel weak at first... after all we are beaten down dealing with a front row seat to addiction. We need help to heal too. When you feel weak come here and read... read the sticky posts at the top of the forum too. There's alot of good info there. Addiction is progressive, it gets worse over time if the addict is not in recovery.

I agree with the others, watch his ACTIONS, not his words. They usually tell us what we want to hear at the time to keep us in the game. It's easier for them to continue in their addiction if they have an enabler.. someone to take care of their basic needs, food and a nice warm bed.

Remember the 3 c's of addiction
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CONTROL it
You can't CURE it

For them to find their way to recovery, we have to step out of the way.
You are doing the right thing! Stay strong!

want2Bfree325

I felt I should respond to your comment because it struck the biggest nerve and made me think to STOP and just keep going in the direction I am. It does suck because I am someone else's financial burden. I s/w my mother and she said she will get me a car by Feb. the latest. I am graduating with 2 Associate's and will most likely start either in the summer or fall on my BA in Education but I have been freaking out lately and I keep thinking stupid thoughts of him despite the addiction. I have taken him back before but this time I do mean it. I am going to fight talking to him again and just start looking out for me. Thanks for the rude awakening...

ladyhawk69

I've gotten trapped in the "we'll be better off financially" trap. How better off are you really? I would suggest sitting down and figuring out on a piece of paper (yes, write it down!) and figure out how much money he USES when he is home. I will bet that even though you think he is helping, he is hurting your situation. That might be enough for you to get angry again and stand your ground. I find that tapping into anger once in awhile makes me strong and objective.
Good luck to you hon!

coffeedrinker

Very insightful, outtolunch.


I agree with the advice, but this is a possibility that I see:
He's afraid of losing his family. He may truly WANT to be clean and sober. But, he is only 4 days out. My heart is not as hard as to say that everything they say is a manipulation, but they are CHILDREN sometimes. They say lots of things that aren't easily attainable. No matter which it is, even if he is being very genuine and sincere, you still would need time time time. Both of you do. I say this because for some of us, our hearts soften and we let them come back to us because we believe them and we think that if they really mean what they're saying, it might work this time. But I'm saying, even if they really truly mean it, you still need that time apart.

Stay in the now, don't answer his phone calls/texts, and watch how empowering that is for you.