whyamistaying

I want so desperately for an alcoholic in recovery (or not) to tell me he is almost there.

I am so sad tonight. I can't believe that divorce, being fired then rehired, DUIs, stealing, trespass.... That he still buys beer.

I know I am supposed to stay focused on me and I am chugging along, but I am so incredibly sad that this is it. How can he still buy a 32 oz. after all this? I feel so unloved and sad for the kids.

whereisthisgoin

Alcoholism is so freakin' powerful and it just sucks. I hate that we are all going through it.

My ah is drunk tonight and I heard him heading for the fridge. Oh joy.

whyamistaying

I'm sorry. I have said it before, but I totally and completely underestimated the power of alcohol on my AH (STBx).

I've been doing okay accepting the reality, but today was hard when I saw the 32 oz. I know quantity shouldn't matter, but it does. He is losing everything and I just don't understand why he doesn't care. Even though he's been rehired, they are going to find out sooner or later.

Recovered1

If I may help (I hope), when things get really messed up an alcoholic drinks to forget just how much things are messed up. Anything just to forget, however briefly, how messed up things are. I know this doesn't make sense to a normie. I happen to be in F&F as I am having situations with the alcoholics in my life and I, Too, am an alcoholic. It's not about you AT ALL. Please don't make it about you for your own sake. It is understandable you are sad. I am sorry.

BTW, to answer your question, I don't know. I hope so. I have this condition myself and I cannot even tell you when my bottom will be. I'd like to think it is RIGHT NOW while I am still intact and typing. I just don't know. I am sorry I cannot give you a better answer. Hang in there.

gerryP

(((Whyamistaying))))

He may never hit a bottom......

and if you are waiting, hoping, wishing and praying for it, especially after everything that has happened to him, you are wasting precious time with your children and for yourself.

Recovered1 has explained it magnificently by saying that the more things get messed up, the more they drink to forget how messed things are. By the end of my drinking career, I couldn't bear to deal with the architecture of my own design, so I drank from the moment I woke up in the morning to kill the reality.

I understand that this is a terribly difficult time for you Why, but his behaviour isn't going to make sense to you, because if you burn your hand on the stove once, you probably won't put your hand back on the stove again.

Hugs to you.

TrainWreckAgain

Sadly, this is so very true. My xAGF has yet to hit bottom. If I were to look at the 10 relationships that were most important to her a year ago, she has destroyed all but one of them. She has lost legal custody of both her children, she has no job, no insurance and only survives because she married a man she met in rehab. She is still doing pain killers. But it is all everyone else's fault. According to her, I stole her children, when in reality, CPS was called and they intervened.

I would think that losing all rights to your kids might be a bottom... but nope.

Please focus on yourself and what you need to be healthy yourself. As hard as it is to accept (I know it was for me), that is the only thing you can actually control.

whyamistaying

2 nights ago my 5 year old, after reading books, asked me if the police were going to take away my car. She said if I don't stop at the red light will I still be able to drive? But that the police said Daddy couldn't drive. On and on.

It took me 15 minutes to reassure her that I could drive, police are good, that I wasn't going to lose my car.

My point...as much as I wanted to deny this wasn't affecting her or that she was too young....it was right there in my face.

Tonight he drank and then went to an AA meeting and brought back a 12 pack of beer.

So my mind was going back to my daughter that night and then seeing my husband just going on like business as usual.

I shouldn't have talked to him, but I did. He said one day he will stop but not now. That he doesn't drink as much. I stopped the conversation, it is pointless. I asked him to move out. He won't. I told him that 1/1/09 would be a good date and he started crying.

This is a living nightmare.

addictlover

My abf has been through so much, and as part of this deviance, I have too. I still wonder, will rock bottom ever come? He has had DUIs, he's verbally and physically abused me, he has gotten kicked out of bars, lost friends, and the list goes on.

Since he remains a functioning alcoholic, to me he hasnt hit rock bottom. I dont even think if I were to leave he would flinch--which no big deal right now. He has come to terms once or twice with his problem, but has only quit for short periods of time, and then relapses slowly but surely--each time he tries to make me believe that this time he will be able to control it.

Its just a bunch of downward spirals.

gerryP

Why,

We all process and accept truths at different speeds and I think we must be careful not to take on more than we can handle for a time period, but like everything, there comes a time when we have to take control of a situation in our lives that is spiraling out of control.

So I say this with compassion....I know you that you filed for divorce and he is still drinking and living with you. What has changed since you filed for divorce? Have you begun the process of settling the financial dissolution of the marriage with a lawyer or mediator? What is going to happen when the divorce is final in 6 months? Will he still be living with you and drinking. Isn't the normal course of action once someone files for divorce and is serious about going through with it...working out financial distribution, custody and child support arrangements so that the courts can enforce them?

As painfully difficult this is for you and as you have discovered, for your daughter also...he *is* drinking. One way you could get things moving faster is to call his probation officer. They are his consequences, not yours. You tell him he has to move out and he cries. So? he has to go does he not? As you say yourself Hun, this is a living nightmare, but you are allowing it. He doesn't have any reason to leave.

Cyber Hugs

Carol Star

It is so SAD. It is in God's hands. I have been divorced for two years. I didn't want to but using was more important to him than anything. I was afraid to be financially involved with him. My XAH has lost everything. He had a $60,000 a yr job,insurance,two great kids who now have very little to do with him,lost his licence for 10yrs. went to jail 6months....his job offered him treatment twice and he left after 3 days both times. He lost his nice F150 and has been living off that $ for a yr. and the $ has now run out. He lost all inheritance,savings,investments. He now has to sell his lakefront house for just about nothing for $ he will slowly drink away. INSANE. SAD. His tears stopped working. He tried to hook me with guilt. That stopped working. I have come to accept he may die. I had to let go. I had to divorce a man I loved dearly. I have gained back the 25lbs. I lost during the divorce. I have a new recovery family. I live in a basement apt. which is comfortable. I love SR and Alanon. I read everything I can on codependency. I live in the solution now. I miss the man he had the potential to be. It is SAD.

MissFixit

not everyone hits a bottom.

whyamistaying

I've taken steps, but not giant ones. I've been dealing with the financial aspect. I separated funds. I put bills in my name for the house. I opened a new CC for me. I called cable and internet (and am canceling cable) as soon as I buy rabbit ears.

Monday will be 30 days after I filed. He has not responded so I will enter a default then. But after that, that's where I didn't have a plan.

I had a plan about filing, what to do with the financials, but after that I hadn't planed on what would be next. I filed that he would have monitored visitation. So I could envision what it would be like when he was gone and am preparing for the financials/budget with just my paycheck..but nothing more.

gerryP

What you have done sounds like a lot Why. Good for you.

and isn't it so difficult to forge ahead putting things in order when you are mourning a loss? You have a life ahead W. Don't lose sight of that....

Bernadette

I just don't understand why he doesn't care.

It may not be that he doesn't care.

You are trying to apply rational judgements on the behavior of an alcoholic.

He drinks because he is an alcoholic. Period. So whether he cares or not he will drink. Whether the sun rises tomorrow or not he will drink. Whether he loses his job, you, family everything - he will drink.

It's not that he doesn't "care." He cannot care - he is an active alcoholic. And he doesn't sound like he is done with that yet....

Good to hear you're getting things in order so you can take care of yourself & kids. It is hard to accept the abyss that is alcoholism and how it can so warp another person's mind...but that's what it does --

peace-
b

NewChapter

Thanks so much for this thread! I've been away for a little while...AH announced in August he is divorcing me. Last week, his law partners discovered that he has been having an affair with his partner's secretary. He had denied it to all of them, but they found proof. They fired her, and told him they are dissolving the partnership 12/31 and he is out. So no job, the kids now know the truth about their dad, know his trashing me was all lies. Is this bottom? NO. He blames me, says I told the partners (I didn't), is now whining to me that he soon won't have a paycheck. I told him this is called the "C" word. It starts with "C" and ends with "onsequences". He isn't familiar with them because I've been such a great codependent.

So as much as I hoped this might be the bottom, not even close.

Thanks for your sharing and support.

steve11694

Why did they "fire her"?

steve11694

We never know what "bottom" is. Sometimes our perception of devastating events mean nothing to an alcoholic. Sometimes an event that we perceive as being minor is what motivates them to recovery.

NewChapter

Steve: Why did they fire her? Good question. I didn't hear what they told her in the meeting, but she was on thin ice anyway as the "office agitator", usually by email, and was a "less than modest" dresser who refused to cover up after being told to repeatedly.

All I know is that I enjoy my job a lot more!

Thanks for your response re reaching bottom. I hadn't considered that what feels major to me may not be major to him, and vice versa. I appreciate the insight.

transformyself

So your husband hooked up with the office floozy. Mine did too and it's taken him over a year and half and the loss of his marriage to see what she is for what she is. His self esteem is in the toilet.

Hope you end the nightmare soon. You're going to be ok, better than ok, I say.