Please help me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
Please help me
I don't even know where to begin. As with most stories about addicts, this one is very long and complicated. I suppose I will address the immediate issue rather than get into all of the background information.
My sister, who is in her early thirties, has been battling opiate addiction for several years. The problem went from pills to opium tea to heroin. She half-heartedly went to rehab a year ago, but I think it was to a. get people off her back; and b. have others bail her out of debt (make car and phone payments, etc.).
She has been living with my mother for the last year. No one knew the severity of the situation until a few weeks ago. My mother was checking the history on her computer (not my sister's; hers) and came across a website for an escort service. There, plain as day, was my sister, in all stages of disrobement. My mother immediately did a sweep of the room and found needles, over a hundred wax paper envelopes, and a diary.
My mother confronted her, and although she admitted to being a prostitute (I can't even tell you how painful it is for me to say) she completely denies the drug use and is making up all sorts of wild stories. We don't know what to do. How do we help her? How do we help ourselves? I know my sister well and I suspect she is being verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mom.
I fear every time the phone rings, every time I hear I car door shut that someone is going to tell me she's dead. It's eating me alive. How do we begin to handle this?
My sister, who is in her early thirties, has been battling opiate addiction for several years. The problem went from pills to opium tea to heroin. She half-heartedly went to rehab a year ago, but I think it was to a. get people off her back; and b. have others bail her out of debt (make car and phone payments, etc.).
She has been living with my mother for the last year. No one knew the severity of the situation until a few weeks ago. My mother was checking the history on her computer (not my sister's; hers) and came across a website for an escort service. There, plain as day, was my sister, in all stages of disrobement. My mother immediately did a sweep of the room and found needles, over a hundred wax paper envelopes, and a diary.
My mother confronted her, and although she admitted to being a prostitute (I can't even tell you how painful it is for me to say) she completely denies the drug use and is making up all sorts of wild stories. We don't know what to do. How do we help her? How do we help ourselves? I know my sister well and I suspect she is being verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mom.
I fear every time the phone rings, every time I hear I car door shut that someone is going to tell me she's dead. It's eating me alive. How do we begin to handle this?
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi starfish, welcome to sr. sorry to hear about your sister but you have come to a very good place for support, lots of exp, strength and hope. i'm sorry to tell you but there is nothing much you can do to help your sister, she have to want to help herself, you can help yourself though. i think you have made the first step, you are reaching out for help. we highly recommend ala non or nar anon, f2f support groups for family and friends of addicts, keep posting and reading. learn as much as you can about addiction and co dependancy.
it would probably help if you could invite your mom to began attending the meetings with you but if she's not will, there is not much you can do that either.
sorry you are hurting but it can get better for you, one step at a time. do what you can to keep the focus on you, your sister is gonna do what she is gonna do. she probably won't admit her drug use quickly and she probably won't be able to continue to hide it for long. addiction does get progressively worse. i'll keep you guys in my prayers.
it would probably help if you could invite your mom to began attending the meetings with you but if she's not will, there is not much you can do that either.
sorry you are hurting but it can get better for you, one step at a time. do what you can to keep the focus on you, your sister is gonna do what she is gonna do. she probably won't admit her drug use quickly and she probably won't be able to continue to hide it for long. addiction does get progressively worse. i'll keep you guys in my prayers.
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
I'm so sorry you and your family feel they need to "help". unfortunately your sister is the one who needs to feel this.
the addict in my life is my 24yr old son and although he's doing ok (for today) I know the feeling of helplessness.
you came to the right place for support, I don't know whatI would do ifI neverfound SR. people will be along to give support and some good advice from their experiences.
My only advice is to tell your mom to hide her valuables.
good luck and my prayers to you and your mom
the addict in my life is my 24yr old son and although he's doing ok (for today) I know the feeling of helplessness.
you came to the right place for support, I don't know whatI would do ifI neverfound SR. people will be along to give support and some good advice from their experiences.
My only advice is to tell your mom to hide her valuables.
good luck and my prayers to you and your mom
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
There are some " stickies" at the top of this page that are good reading.
You might also consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. You can get a used copy for about $2.00 at Amazon. Read it and then wrap it and give it to your mom, for Christmas. This book has restored sanity for many people who care.
You might also consider picking up a copy of Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. You can get a used copy for about $2.00 at Amazon. Read it and then wrap it and give it to your mom, for Christmas. This book has restored sanity for many people who care.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm really sorry to hear of all that you and your family have been through with your sister. Perhaps it would help to sit down (without your sister) and decide what boundaries you need to put in place regarding what you will or will not accept and the consequences.
For me, prostitution and drug use under my roof is a drop-dead deal breaker. Something along the lines of "pack your things and be out by the end of the day".
Huge hugs and prayers to you, your mother, AND your sister. HG
For me, prostitution and drug use under my roof is a drop-dead deal breaker. Something along the lines of "pack your things and be out by the end of the day".
Huge hugs and prayers to you, your mother, AND your sister. HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
Thank you for the kind words and advice. I guess I'm fortunate enough not to have gone through this before so I don't know how to handle it.
Hydrogirl, how or why she is still living under my mother's roof is beyond me. I'm trying really hard not to be judgmental; I understand my mom thinks she's safer under her roof. But knowing the terrible things she's doing, and right under her nose, is going to tear my mom apart. I sometimes think my mom hald believes my sister's lies because she can't bear to face the truth herself, even though it's blowing smoke right into her face.
We could both stand to read Codependant No More. Thank you for the recommendation. It brings me a little peace knowing there are others who understand. I wish I didn't have to find this group, but I'm glad I did.
Hydrogirl, how or why she is still living under my mother's roof is beyond me. I'm trying really hard not to be judgmental; I understand my mom thinks she's safer under her roof. But knowing the terrible things she's doing, and right under her nose, is going to tear my mom apart. I sometimes think my mom hald believes my sister's lies because she can't bear to face the truth herself, even though it's blowing smoke right into her face.
We could both stand to read Codependant No More. Thank you for the recommendation. It brings me a little peace knowing there are others who understand. I wish I didn't have to find this group, but I'm glad I did.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Originally Posted by starfish78 
I sometimes think my mom hald believes my sister's lies because she can't bear to face the truth herself, even though it's blowing smoke right into her face.
We don't WANT to see the truth. We live in denial because it's easier.
Keep reading and posting. Learn all you can about addiction. Go to meetings if you can and invite mom along. You will both get stronger, and have face to face support. Then you will be able to make wise decisions regarding your sister.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Starfish78, Welcome to SR!! I'm sorry to hear of your sister. There is much support and so much to learn so please stay. And read, read, read, and learn.
I hear your fear, in fact I had the same fear for so long. Longer than needed. The last time my AH relapsed (while living at home) was 3 yrs ago. He just disappeared for a few days and I feared and feared that call that he was dead for the next 3 yrs. Well 3 years later and he's not dead. I prayed God would take that fear away from me, because it was killing me more than anything. I had to let go and let God until my fear was gone.
Find everything that you can read on detaching with love, and get out of her way or you will be dragged through much pain.
:codiepolice
Huggs,
NH7
I fear every time the phone rings, every time I hear I car door shut that someone is going to tell me she's dead.
Find everything that you can read on detaching with love, and get out of her way or you will be dragged through much pain.
:codiepoliceHuggs,
NH7
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
hello starfish,
the more you can stay uninvolved, the better. i went through months of checking out stories, putting clues together and "busting" my abf, because i couldn't bear not knowing the truth. the fact was, it did no good for him and no good for me - my nerves were shot.
it is true that your mother is in some kind of denial. she will either come to the painful truth (meaning truly understanding what is going on) or she will not. it is, for now, her coping mechanism.
the more you surround yourself with supportive, educated folks, the better for both you and your mom.
the more you can stay uninvolved, the better. i went through months of checking out stories, putting clues together and "busting" my abf, because i couldn't bear not knowing the truth. the fact was, it did no good for him and no good for me - my nerves were shot.
it is true that your mother is in some kind of denial. she will either come to the painful truth (meaning truly understanding what is going on) or she will not. it is, for now, her coping mechanism.
the more you surround yourself with supportive, educated folks, the better for both you and your mom.
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