FindingPeace1

I just got back from the annual family board game extravaganza called Thanksgiving and today I had a thought.

My nephew used to try to change the rules of the game mid-game. The adults would never buy it, but his little sister would. Remember that feeling that you were getting a bum deal and if only you could change the rules? But the rules of the game are the rules in black and white. So my nephew could quit or suck it up. For me it starts (even now) with the thought, "I wish..." (this or that were different).

Well, with my husband, I have been playing the game of Relationship with Me.

Remember the Get Out of Jail Free card in Monopoly? Someone could give it to you and TA-DA! You were released with no penalties? I realized today that every time he does something I don't like - lies, is mean, sarcastic, says something outrageous...(as a coping mechanism) I automatically an mostly unconsciously have given him a He Didn't Mean That card. I seem to have an endless supply! Then he goes along his merry way and I am left thinking, "I wish..."

Then I realized, this is MY game! This is one game I DO get to change the rules or set the rules. What if my game didn't have any He Didn't Mean That cards? What if I chose not to give them out? Or I was very very judicious about when I did? And he would (or would not - who really knows anyway?) mean whatever he said and have to deal with the consequences (which is me observing and saying, "Wow. I don't like that at all. That's crummy and immature and hurtful. What am I going to do about that?")
How cool is that?

Are my rules in black and white? Do I even have any rules? I'm not sure...
What about a rule that says: Honesty is required or the game stops.
Or: Openness is required or the game stops.
Or: Mature responsibility for error is required with sincere apology, attempt at growth, and no repeat offenses or the game stops.
Or: Self or other abuse by any player is not allowed or the game stops.

Just another way of looking at deal breakers. It's just an analogy I can grok.

Meanwhile he has is own rules for the game of Relationship with Him. His rules include drinking, sneaking, lying, occasional snottiness, sarcasm, etc. - all permitted.
I can't change his rules. They are in black and white. I just get to suck it up or stop playing.

Food for thought.

Hugs.

FindingPeace1

You know, I have gained SO MUCH from you all. SO MUCH. And every time I comment on someone else, I think about what I have learned. It is so much easier to comment on YOUR junk than MINE! But then you comment on mine...and we help each other round and round and each time it sinks in just a bit more.
In fact, I can hear (the collective you) your voice sometimes in my head talking myself down.
Thanks.

naive

i don't like playing games with cheaters cause they cheat. it's not a fair game.

i'd rather play with people who are out to enjoy themselves, have a laugh, pass an evening together.

when i play with cheaters, once i know they are cheating, it's no fun anymore for me. i find myself guarded, suspicious and calculating, which feels uncomfortable to me but is a reasonable defense, considering the circumstances i am playing under.

i'd rather not play the game at all, really.

mine knocked the door again. i thought "what could he possibly say to me that would make any difference?" and i knew there was absolutely nothing he could say. he could say he was going to rehab, quicking drinking, going to AA, whatever.

but i'm done playing with him, cause it's no fun.

game over.

FindingPeace1

(((naive)))
early in the relationship I caught him cheating at a game of cards.
Aww! But I stepped over that one, too!

HanahGoodness

Wow! You sound like me! I found my husband smoking cigars on the patio at night after I'd gone to bed with 6 years of marriage under our belt. He only told me because I found him. Then I finally figured out why he was always out to lunch at night when he came home. He only told me when I found out why...that 5th of vodka on the way home from work will do that to you. He can't do it to me anymore though....anyone who cheats at cards, hides a cigar from his wife, and drinks on the way home from work thinking no one will know...is only cheating himself. You go girl, you are the one with the rules now. I am too!

addictlover

Wow interesting. I have been dealing with this myself. LAtely my abf has fallen off the bandwagon, and is disguising his drinking as best as he can. He will be in the garage having more than he will lead on, hide the recycling, and come in later trying to act like he had just been working on the car.

When he comes inside, he tries to hide his breath, his behavior and what not. And if I say something, I am the bad guy. What a train wrek!

NYC_Chick

Thanks for the post. I love how you put the pieces together. Waking up is a huge bummer, but freeing in many ways because now you know you have choices. You may stay and you may go, but you can make that choice. Hugs!

Dreamer42long

Addictlover: They think they're so smart, don't they? But the more they hide it, the more evident it becomes. I don't know why they even bother really. And yes, you're right.....we are ALWAYS the bad guys because we "notice".

Another poster earlier said this: "I needed him to stop drinking, and he needed me to stop noticing his drinking."

My ABF prefers to drink alone, so it's either the basement or the garage for him!