Kindeyes

Ok. I am confessing to my codie behavior #42.

I am currently in week 3 of "no contact" with my AS. However......(here's the codie behavior part).....as a co-signer on his checking account (brace yourselves.....naaaaaaw......you know what I'm going to say).....I can look at his account to make sure he is still alive (or at least that is my excuse for looking at his account).

Somebody slap me.

I need to hide it so that it doesn't show up when I look at my account list, huh?

outtolunch

It's natural for a mother to want to know if her child is alive.

Perhaps a better question to ask yourself is why am I am cosigner on his checking account?

teke

it wouldn't know what i would be trying to slap you for. i don't think you need it. its your son and on top of that, you co signed. its good that his account is not attached to yours. you want to at least know he's alive, huh? well, any mother would want to know that i think. try not to worry too much, he's probably ok.

knowing my ah had id, i learned to remind myself when i felt that way, that if he was sober, he'd find a way to let me know, if he was somewhere hurt, he/someone would find a way to get me the message, if he was in jail, he'd find away to get me a message and if he was dead, someone else would find a way to get me a message. that told me that when i didn't hear from him, he was probably ok, maybe still not done yet, so i learned to say a little prayer of protection and go on to with my day/night. i'm praying for you and for your son, hope he finds his way soon.

JMFburns

(((Kindeyes)))

So similar to what I just mentioned in my post, that I was checking the balance of my son's EBT (cash assistance) card. Mine was detective work . . . trying to see how/where/what he was spending his money on.

Hide the account so it doesn't automatically pop up and keep that focus on you. You're doing a good job.

I like what teke said - if something goes wrong, we'd find out so we can just let it go in the meantime.

rahsue

slap you? sister you're gonna want to hit me with a hockey stick!!!
I co signed for my sons car, he lost his job and guess what I'm doing? (I refuse to admit it in writing lol)

we do what we need to do for us. some might say it's wrong but if we need to do then we do.

ElegantlyWasted

Carrot instead of a whip? Treat instead of a shock collar? Catching more bees w honey? I agree! Positive reinforcement is best. Nothing wrong with making sure someone you love is alive. My line of thinking is... Does he know you check, and is that something you guys have mutually agreed to? If not, maybe figure out a good way to periodically check in on him without seeming to be hypocritical that doesn't enable? Just my take... For the record my parents helped me financially after I bottomed out and I gave them consent to monitor my bank account. They did a great job of not enabeling. It also helped get me over the hump early on knowing that every thing I bought would be scrutinized. I finally realized that going on a parentally subsidized bender would be found out, and that I could possibly be disowned. The initial possible negative consequences were
much more powereful for me than any skid row bottom. I was in no shape to hold a job and also did not relish the thought of pushing my cats around in a shopping cart. Now in month 5 and having done considerable work on myself, most of my own bs that I bought into is gone and I actually care about people again. Apologies if I rambled, hope my experience gives you some insight into your situation.

Kindeyes

The confession gets worse......

The reason that I am a co-signer on his checking account is that he changed bank accounts a few years ago (at my suggestion.....ugh) and couldn't qualify for an overdraft protection to go with it (which he had on the other account at another bank). I should have left well enough alone but no.....I co-signed for the overdraft protection and as a result, I had to be on the account too. So I'm checking........ and right now........ that overdraft is maxed out (so in essence...I owe the bank that money).

This codie is pretty good at getting herself into pickles with the A in her life.

I am slowly but surely extracting myself and this is the last financial entanglement I have with my AS.

Talking (writing) about it is helping me realize what I need to do.

JMFburns

Kindeyes,

You know what you bottom is and when you reach it you're ready to entangle yourself from your son and let him handle his own affairs.

I've hit my bottom, bounced back up and sunk to a lower bottom many times than I care to admit. I do believe that my climbing back up makes me stronger each time and helps me to learn to take care of me. It is sinking in that my son is responsible for his own life, that I DO NOT want to continue on the codependent, enabling path and that I will be able to extract my self from his roller coaster. It takes constant work of my part, help and pray to my HP and support from loving, caring friends in recovery.

I'm here supporting you and praying for you.
Joan

ElegantlyWasted

JMF and Kind, comming from the opposite side of the equation it seems that we can all pick our own bottoms. I've come to realize that focusing on that bottom help me continue to improve and get better. It's amazing how similiar the issues are for both the addict and enabeler. Thanks for your posts, it helps keep me focused on why my last bottom will hopefully be my last. I've found so far in month 5 that I am far from perfect, and I hate it. I get solace, encouragement and strength from focusing on the fact that I am a work in progress and always will be (in a good way) and that I have acheived real insight into where I am and where I want to go. As best I can figure out it really is about the journey; we are all perfect in our imperfections annnd by realizing that we can acheive a sort of freedom to really enjoy ourselves and those we love.

Ann

I can't even nudge you with the bunny slippers because I did the same thing. We set up my son's account to need two signatures, his and mine. This was HIS idea so he wouldn't just go take money when he had the urge to use. I thought it was a splendid idea...until...he faked a deposit for $1000, putting in an empty envelope and then went inside and cashed a check signed by him with my name forged for $500...which was fraud, and an easily caught fraud at that.

I had to personally visit the bank and sign an affidavit that my signature had been forged and that I was no part of what he had done. I also closed the account (and had to pay the now overdraft to close it).

Lesson learned.

The more we detach, the less trouble WE get into.

Hugs