outonalimb

I'm so happy with the way things are in my life right now. I am. So why am I afraid to admit it here at SR...to myself...to anyone, really?

My exah has been clean for a long time now. I don't know how long. Well, I think I have to qualify this statement. He's off the heroin. Thank God. I never, ever, ever really believed it could happen. He is, however, on suboxone...has been for about 2 years now...but he takes the medicine as prescribed. He's healthy. He's happy. His priorities are in order. He's committed to his job, our son, and me. He demonstrates his commitment every single day. He's always where he says he will be. He does what he says he will do. He carries his share of the load and even mine sometimes.

He shows his love for me every single day...in big ways...and in little gestures. I can honestly say my exah is the man I fell in love with 12 years ago.

I'm happy. I am so happy. I am so grateful. My heart overflows.

Yet, even though I see this miracle in my life (in HIS life, really) every single day, I want to doubt it. Its almost as if I don't want to acknowledge the miracle because things could change. I know things could change. But I also know that no matter what happens, I'm going to be okay. I have learned to leave the addiction battle where it belongs...in my exah's hands...and I have learned that I will be okay no matter what so I don't live in fear. Fear isn't what keeps me from acknowledging this miracle. Its something else but I don't know what.

I realize that I just pop in here at SR from time to time and that many of you don't know my story but my story is pretty much the same as yours. My life and my struggles were/are the same as yours. My exah picked up a horrible heroin addiction four years into our marriage and three years after our son was born and my life plummeted to depths I never could have imagined.

Yep, I can honestly say I've been to hell and back.

My focus now is to learn to appreciate the miracle that has happened and to learn to live in the moment. This is a tough one for me. I think its because I feel like if I embrace the miracle, I will also have to let down my guard. But keeping my guard up has grown very tiring.

A miracle has happened in my life and I'm still looking to borrow trouble. I want to change this. Do you think this will come in time? Or has the whole experience left me incapable of ever really taking things in my life at face value? I wonder...I really do.

After alot of thought...I think my first step is to declare that I am happy to anyone who will listen. I will begin today and every day with a prayer of thanks and I will ask my HP to take the burdens (but not the lessons) of the past from my shoulders and heart.

With so much pain and turmoil on this board, I hestitated to come here and actually post that I am happy but that's not right. I guess I'd just like people to know that your life can get better and improve no matter what the addict might do. Before my exah got clean, I learned to be happy on my own. I left my exah to do whatever he wanted to do and I slowly learned how to stand on my own and not let his decisions effect me. And it wasn't until I got to this point that I found true peace and happiness. In my case, my exah happened to get clean but I truly believe that I would have been able to maintain my happiness either way.

I don't know if this makes alot of sense but I just want to say that I'm grateful for this miracle in my life and i'm grateful to everyone here who has helped me and continues to help me in this journey.

Miracles DO happen. Don't lose hope.

Suspicious

(((((Outonalimb))))))

I am very happy for you.

Ann

Thank you so much for sharing this here. I remember when I went to my first meeting, it was people like you who gave me hope. I saw people who, like you, had been to hell and back, and who were happy, truly happy...and I wanted what they had.

I will always be grateful that they were willing to share with me, what worked for them and they promised that I could have it too, free for the taking. Just needed a little work and a lot of faith.

Limb, you have always been an inspiration to me and I am happy that you are happy today. I too can honestly say that I am very happy and that my life is good...and like you, I tend to look over my shoulder when I say it.

Life will not be beautiful every single day, for you or for me or for anyone. Life will hand us our share of obstacles and pain...but today you and I have the tools to handle whatever comes our way. Good days may not last forever, but neither do bad days, and today we know that we will survive and we will thrive because recovery has taught us how.

Yes, Limb, it's okay to be happy and it's okay to share that we are. Sharing our light is what helps others find their way out of the darkness.

Love you for sharing your light with me.

incitingsilence

I think it all just takes time…
I had to keep being real honest with myself, and even at times stay real diligent and look at what I felt and make sure it wasn’t contingent of where “he” was.

I stay very far away from tomorrow and enjoy the day but it wasn’t so easy in the beginning.

There is so much that happens, and we attach to the hope of the sub at times, and then the hope of them omg clean, then omg still clean and the oh wow look at them back into life, living it….but with that wait for the other shoe to drop playing as the hope is, and I find that almost keeps us trapped in some codie craziness.

I really do believe that all that always on guard takes from the day. For me I do not want to live in that and I can not….To much of the past in control of today. And I really do see it that way, that it is something of the past controlling today, but then it is hard isn’t it not to be driven by the yesterdays….

I have no attachment to the pain of my husband addiction, I stopped taking it personal, stopped taking on others perceptions and how his addiction reflected on me, I stopped making his addiction mine, which was what I needed to do as I had my own issues to work on.

But only you know if/where the scars of yesterday are driving today, where fear might be as well…that keeps you from just embracing each day…

I had to get to where I knew I would survive, no matter happen, whether he left, whether I had to leave, whether he died, whether he got clean or not…

And I don’t find anything emotional being gone, there is still life and all the flip sides of good and bad days but what is noticeably absent is the obsession, the irrational….

Enjoy it all...

teke

YEAH!!!!!!!!! i'm so happy to hear this good news. so much hope here, thanks for sharing.

outonalimb

Inciting...
you said it so beautifully.
thank you.
this is what its all about.
holding onto the lessons of the past but letting go of the pain and fear.

outtolunch

I am grateful for the opportunity to have read your inspiring words.
Thank you for sharing this with us.

bigsister1982

Hi,

I know this is an old thread but I wanted to comment because outonalimb put into words exactly how I feel.

I haven't posted in a long time. I stopped talking to/about my brother and basically lived my own life. I didn't ask about him and didn't visit him when I visited my parents. It was a great feeling but yeah, I was still afraid to be happy and let my life be good. I rationalized it by thinking that if I kept myself unhappy then it wouldn't hurt so much when something went wrong.

As of right now, staying "hands off" has really helped me. I have a great relationship with my husband, and my immediate family is now secondary to my husband, instead of me running to them and worrying about them all the time. I think the rest of my family did this with my brother too. Basically, if he wanted to reach out he could, but everyone was going to live their lives independent of whether he was doing well.

Fortunately, things are going well for my brother - he's in a methadone/counselling program and has returned to college, funded by the government. But am I still afraid to be happy? Absolutely. As much as I am trying to stay out of my brother's life, there's no way that I can be totally insulated from it, or whatever else life brings.

I'm just not at the point where I can say that I am happy. You are so lucky that day is here for you... I'm so afraid that I will jinx everything and something bad (not necessarily connected to my brother) will happen. Congrats to you, you are definitely what I am working towards!