djet13

Been on a few forums before (none on this subject) and looked around for a similar topic before posting. I found a few on the same subject, as I know I'm not even close to being the only one dealing with these issues, but none on the same one. Here goes:

So this all started about 2 years ago. When me and my dad would go off to choir (we sang together at our church) we would come home to my mom acting flat out drunk. We both monitored her drinking for a few weeks, but she became very adept at hiding it, enough so that my dad begin to think that it must be something else besides alcohol. She went to a therapist, who diagnosed her as having panic attacks, as she has a pretty stressful job (or she has quite a bad habit of making it into one.) So we got some medicine that was supposed to treat panic attacks, but it never seemed to work. She would stagger around, sound drunk and generally act drunk. I bought that she was only having panic attacks for a few weeks, but I would still catch her every few nights sneaking drinks (mainly of wine, but sometimes from liquor.) After a while she began having these "episodes" (the therapist said she wasn't having panic attacks, but dissociative episodes) around other people, who did blamed it on alcohol. This caused quite a bit of strife between my parents and them, so to prove that it wasn't alcohol, we took all the alcohol from the house for 2 weeks. She didn't have many "episodes" but when she did it was cause she had either drunk it at her job (I caught her doing this once) or she snuck it into the house. My dad didn't seem to see this, however, and used it as evidence that she was just having episodes. Over 2 years it remained close the same, with every few months my dad, her therapist or doctor finding a new reason for her behavior. The current theory is that she has a potassium deficiency, causing her to act so strange.

Now, every time a new explanation comes out for her behavior, I might think it could be possible for a few days, but then I catch her again sneaking it behind our backs. So the question I have is what do it do? My father's definitely not a stupid person (he has a freaking PhD), so I constantly wonder if I could be wrong, but it seems fairly obvious that she has a problem. I mean she walks like a drunk, smells like one and talks like one on the nights that she has episodes, attacks, deficiencies... The good thing is that I've got some good friend my age that I can talk to these about, but they tend to take more of my dad's side in that it's not alcohol, cause there are some inconsistencies. E.g., she doesn't ever seem to have hangovers, besides a little extra grogginess.

Any ideas?

PS: Sorry for making you read the massive wall of text... oh well.

basIam

what medications is she taking?

djet13

Hmmm... she's taken many over the months. Clonazepam, potassium supplements.

I know she is taking some diuretics for her blood pressure. I think there's one more... not coming to mind at the moment though. I can find out though.

bookwyrm

I'm so glad you found this forum - you will find a lot of support and wisdom here. Have you dropped in on the children of alcoholics forum too? Adult Children of Addicted/Alcoholic Parents - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information Have a read through the sticky posts at the top of both forums. There is a huge amount of information there that will be relevant to you.

It is a horrible situation you are in - have you heard of the three C's:
You didn't Cause it
You can't Control it and
You can't Cure it.

As hard as it sounds, there is really nothing you can do to stop your mum from drinking. What you can do is try and talk about it - with your dad, a counsellor or even by going to AlAnon/AlAteen meetings.

Stick around and keep posting. We are all here for you!

Found

A curious concept to judge a hangover from the outside

Latte

I would suggest Al-Anon too. Talking to others has really helped me. I grew up with an alcoholic father.

Bernadette

djet13--
Denial is a key symptom of alcoholism and a key manifestation of the illness in an alcoholic family. When I was akid and dared to suggest to my mom that dad was an alcoholic she slapped me right across the face! As if I was insulting him instead of just telling the truth and asking a question!

Sneaking drinks is also classic alcoholic behavior.

But the label doesn't matter. You know the truth - you've caught her sneaking alcohol and her behavior and your dad's denial is causing you some strife - so it's a problem no matter what anyone calls it!


I agree with others - check out AlAnon or Alateen here's alink for greater Birmingham:
Al-Anon Better Health and Addiction Recovery

It's so good you are seeking help at a young age - I really didn;t reach out until my twenties and once I did it was a painful but rewarding process of unraveling all the damage this strange family dynamic had created in me!

Good luck-
peace-
b

steve11694

I have a friend that slowly and unintentionally ended up at the point of drinking almost 1 bottle of wine every night. When a work assignment interrupted his drinking he had a panic attack. Alcohol is a sedative and not having it could cause anxiety. some self medicate with alcohol for anxiety, stress, etc, then end up in a vicious cycle becoming dependent.

djet13

I appreciate the responses. I'm not really feeling, luckily, that I'm to blame and or that what she's done is my fault. I looked up the meetings for Al-Anon, but I don't know if I would be wise in going to them. This would seem to throw dirt in my dad's face, as he is pretty set in the fact that she's not an alcoholic. It's not that I'm afraid he would get angry, in fact I don't think he ever would as he's a pretty open/incredible father. However, I do think he might feel like I am abandoning him, or taking the easy road out. I've heard from a lot of people that I should talk to him about how I feel about my mother's behavior, but whenever she's drunk he has to take care of her and when she's not it feels wrong to interrupt one of the few times of peace.

I've also been wondering about how she never seems to have hangovers... she drinks an incredible amount of water during the day... would this prevent her from having a hangover?

Lotus2009

I agree with the above posts.

If she smells of alcohol and you've seen her sneaking it, then what other proof do you need.

As far as hangovers go - like Found said it's hard to judge a hangover from the outside. My AH is very good at pretending he is ok... he can't really hide his drinking, because once he starts he can't stop and ends up getting completely hammered (and that he just can't hide). But I was always curious why he would seem fine the next morning. I know when I had too much to drink, I would just be a mess the following day, I would complain, stay in bed, yell at people who would be loud etc. So for the longest time I was wondering why he didn't seem to get hangovers. Now I know he does - he either starts drinking again before the hangover can really settle in (to "cure" it), or he will just keep it to himself and put on a smile and pretend everything is fine (i.e. the few times when I do hear him throw up, he ends up coming out of the bathroom and just carries on with his day as if nothing happened). Every now and then - after a long binge - he gets to the point where I can tell that he is having a baaad hangover, but unless he feels really, really bad he can hide his misery pretty well.

husbandofacoa

You cannot keep an alcoholic from getting alcohol. Period. If they want it they will somehow manage.

These people lie to themselves and they lie to us. The situation is really quite simple. She had generated this complicated facade to try to cover her tracks. If she walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, she's a duck.

Dreamer42long

Your father is in denial as surely as you mother, and you can no sooner control your father's behavior and his beliefs about your mother than you can control you mother's behavior.

I urge you to go to Al-anon because these meetings will help you to understand that you are powerless to change your mother drinking and your father's beliefs. You will get the support and understanding you need from Al-anon and I believe that it will help in understanding BOTH your parents.

Good Luck!

BuffaloGal

About your father-- unfortunately, intelligence and education don't help if someone is not ready or able to acknowledge that something is wrong. My former husband's father was raised in an alcoholic family, and he does not believe that his own son has a drinking problem. This is a man who's a college professor and a published author. He was in alanon for some time... and he still can't see it. This kind of group self deception is what the fine folks in alanon are getting at when they call alcoholism a "family disease."

Talking to your father is a good idea. Hiding how you feel and what you believe isn't a good path to get started down. However, you and your dad may not see eye to eye here no matter how much you talk. Your father is not disrespecting you by not agreeing with you-- and you can find help without abandoning him. Acknowledging a problem and trying to find help isn't an easy way out (and hoping that the problem doesn't exist isn't one either).

I'm from your part of the world-- I've never been to alanon in B'ham, but I have some friends there who have benefited from alanon and alateen-- and it's made a huge difference in their lives.

Be well