My First Time Here

Old 12-03-2009, 01:47 PM
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My First Time Here



I'm not addicted to anything but chocolate. It's my boyfriend.

This is what i posted in another general forum and they were mean to me and basically said im wet and pathetic for staying with him, and that he's I did post this on another forum and all i got was leave the idiot and he's scum, which i don't find helpful at all, everyone has their problems to overcome in life and if everyone said to hell with them then where would the world be?

He has done a lot to me, through the drink he says thats why he didnt care and think of me. But im not throwing away 3 years what i feel for him just like that.

So i think that as this is a forum about this that you all might know how im feeling and not be mean to me.


My BF has a drink problem, has for over 10 years. Also has had probs with depression and he gets stressed really easy. As i do too but thats a whole other thread

He has admitted this to me this year ( though we both knew it before) We have been together for over 3 years now.

He has done a lot of bad things to me emotionally in the past and coz of the alcohol, his feelings are numbed out, whereas i feel everything and more.

I feel he's got a wall up with me. He had to build that with his last relationship, she was really bad to him. We don't talk about feelings and thing. He never hardly ever asks how I'm doing feeling. When I'm upset he cant deal with it and either gets mad and walks away or turns over and goes to sleep. Though i know this is what its like with a alcoholic dependant person.

He drinks everyday, BUT he has cut it down, which is amazing i think, he used to drink so much he wouldn't have been dead in another 10 years or before (I've seen all this with my uncle years ago and cant watch let alone live loving a person that puts the bottle before me)


He used to drink anything, bottles of wine, vodka was a big love sometimes a whole bottle, port anything really. Anything that would make him forget and not feel things and not think about things. Now he has stopped the wine and the vodka - which I'm so proud of him for i know how hard it is. He has had a few slips where he's hid a bottle of wine and vodka from me, but i always know when he's had something other than beer. And coz of the past i wont take secrets and lies anymore, but i know a alcoholic finds that really hard not to do.

I want to be happy with him. He wants to be happy. I know he's not and I'm not while we're living like this.


Any ideas or your experiences would be really helpful, and i will let him read this too.

Thank you!


:praying
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Old 12-03-2009, 02:42 PM
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Welcome to the forum MerMaid. It is not easy to reach out for support and I'm glad you have. There is a lot of wisdom out there and a lot of advice, but also some hard times ahead. Being in an alcoholic's life leaves its print on us to, and taking a look at how that has impacted on ourselves can be liberating but also quite daunting.

When I first came here I had been with my then boyfriend for 5 years; he too had had a drink problem long before I met him, which I believe became more evident and escalated after we moved in together some 3 years into our relationship.

I had some really tough days and some big realisations with the support and home truths from some rather wonderful people on this site at that time, (you can see my early posts by clicking on my name).

I eventually ended my relationship which I began to realise was abusive; my ex became increasingly hostile toward me and became physically violent, pushing and shoving at first, but worse later on.

Everyone's story is different but strangely similar. Alcoholics tend to show common charactertraits and behaviours as a result of their addiction. Some stay some go, some find their A (alcoholic) dumps them! It is a personal journey for each.

You say...

Originally Posted by MerMaid81 View Post
...He has done a lot of bad things to me emotionally in the past and coz of the alcohol, his feelings are numbed out, whereas i feel everything and more.
and also...

Originally Posted by MerMaid81 View Post
...He had to build that (wall) with his last relationship, she was really bad to him...
My ex boyfriend also had bad stories about his ex. He told me so many negative things about her and what she had done to him, that I felt loathing toward her and pity for him.

I believed him utterly that when I found out that she had told his sister that he was physically abusive toward her, I didn't believe it and thought she was trying to cause trouble and was vindictive.

It was only as time went by that I found she was right about him. The sweet charming, loving man I thought he was became that abuser to me. She had tried to warn us all, his family and me but we were all so caught up in his charm and pain that we did not question him.

This may not be the case with your ex, I understand that, but my experience has taught me that if there is a bad history with an ex, best to seek her out, despite how you may feel toward her and get her side of things.

The only other thing I would say is that posting here is for you. It may not be beneficial to share this board with your partner. Think of this page as a support group for you. You may wish to come here as time goes on to share things that have happened with us and talk about that. What you want to share may not go down well with your partner and it is important that you feel you can share whatever you need to.

I've seen a few people who have had to change their account here or even leave completely because their A had read their posts and there had been some ugly consequences at home for her.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 12-03-2009, 02:55 PM
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Thank you for your reply!

I re read everything that you said a couple of times and im glad that you seem to be doing better now.

My BF and his ex, well it wasnt just his word that i took everything for, we have a mutual friend and she knows all too well what this woman's like, in fact she's at it again with her new BF.

But anyways, he's never violent towards me at all, never would - and i know that people would say dumb girl she's be back saying different - but really he isnt like that, when he was drunk he was just silly and happy and then tired, even at the point of most stress and everything i've never felt physical threat from him. What i said about what he's done to me in the past, was well one of things he used to go on chat rooms and chat to other women stuff like that, only on the chat rooms though, which has now stopped - and i would know if it hadnt - im like columbo now haha.

If i was in anyway scared of him i'd go, i've seen a friend in a abusive relationship in the past and i know im soft at times, but i aint that soft!

I'm not afraid of him seeing what im putting on here on this thread, yeah if i keep coming on here and i have sometimes might have a good moan about how low im feeling about whatever then i might not want him to see it, just coz its not going to be of any good to him to see that. He needs to heal and things.

I just know he doesn't want to feel like this forever, i dont want him to and i dont want to either.

We have plans for getting a house together, dogs, more pets and a family in the future. But i know the family will wait till this is sorted out.

It was hard to post here esp after what i have got said to me on the other forums i posted on about this.

Have a nice night :0)
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:04 PM
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Has your partner gotten involved in AA at all if he wants recovery? I don't know if you have heard of it, but there is also Al-anon meetings all around for families and friends of alcoholics.

I forgot to mention before, but there are some 'stickies' at the top of this forum, permanent posts for reference which have some great material in them. I hope you give them a read.

Also I never meant to imply that your A was abusive to you, just merely sharing some of my story. Every A is different just like all the posters here have different stories too.

I found it helped in the early days to keep the focus on me; I found that my time was mostly spent thinking about my relationship, my A's drinking checking up on him etc, that I lost touch with myself!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:05 PM
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You can't help him with his problems, period. He needs a professional for his "issues" and other alcoholics for his alcoholism.

Just like he can't help YOU with your issues.
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Old 12-03-2009, 03:32 PM
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Thank you! And i just thought i'd put in about the abuse as i know some do get abusive, i didnt think that you were implying anything Lilyflower x x

I might be a little touchy as i've had horrible comments all night on the other forums i posted on.

He and i have heard of AA and i have been on their site. I think that one to one therapy might be best though, if he wants it. He's not the type to want to talk in front of even two people let alone more.

I will tell him but not show him that i have been on here later on, see what he says and thinks.

And yeah Still Waters i have heard that thousands of times. I know it. But thanks anyways. I know - as i said already - that you cant make anyone change, i have told him this, and im not trying to come on here and solve his probs, i just wanted to talk etc.

He gets in from from at 2am and will prob have one beer then bed, then get up have about 6 coffees and then a beer before work, at weekend it might be 3-4 beers each day. That is a hell of a come down from what he was drinking and i am proud of him for that anyway. Though i know that just lowering the alcohol intake isnt going to cut it if you're still needing it to live and escape.

oh the joys of life.
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Old 12-04-2009, 02:23 AM
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Mermaid, WELCOME!

Have you read through all the sticky posts at the top of the forum? There is a wealth of information there that I found really useful when I first came to SR. Some of it made me cry, but it was an eye opening experience.

I'd also like to recommend two books to you that I found invaluable - Co Dependant No More by Melody Beattie and Under the Influence.

I was with my STBXAH for 18 years. I didn't just 'throw away' those 18 years. I left for a better life for me. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Unless your ABF gets help, it will only get worse. My STBXAH used to 'moderate' his drinking for a few weeks, but then it would gradually increase till he exceeded the level he was at before he cut back. At some point you have to take a step back and look at how you are living. I was completely unaware of how I had been enabling my STBXAH's drinking over the years. Coming here, reading up on alcoholism and getting into one on one counselling all helped me see things from a different perspective.

Can you accept him for who he is right now, warts and all? There is a classic sticky post that might help you: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html.

I hope you stick around and keep posting!
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Old 12-04-2009, 03:10 AM
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Hiya bookwyrm, i will look up those books thanks. Was a good post to wake up to.

And thank you for that post, it was interesting. And very true, if you can't accept the person you're with then you gotta think that they might never change. I know.

I do accept him how he is, have done for years, he does make me happy. To be honest i don't know if its a depression prob with him or what, i know he does like a beer or two, and did used to use alcohol to forget the past, but he doesnt touch the harder stuff no more, i would know.

I do think that counselling would help us both, not together though i know. But is the doctors the only place that you can get free counselling help from.

Last night he came in and had a coffee, then nothing for a bit then just had one beer before bed. And in the past few days he's had a lot of stress at work, so he could have easily have come home and raided my parents alcohol cupboard but he never touches that.

I'm just so confused at the moment. The main things in our relationship are not his few beers drinking for me. Its the fact he wont talk to me, finds it hard to as i know some people do. The lack of desire to have intimacy with me, i know when someone is feeling depressed that can lower or make that nothing. I know that if you're not happy inside with yourself then you can't make someone else happy. He has to heal those past hurts before he can focus on us i know. Affection, he's not a really touchy feely person and to be honest im not with anyone but him, he does try though and i love him so much.
I'm not being a sap here before anyone comes along and calls me deluded, im more than aware what real life is, what alcohol can do, my uncle died of it and i saw what he was like all the time. And if i thought for one minute - as i have told him - that he was going that way, of being a drunk that didnt care about anything then i'd leave, and he knows i mean it too, im not about to put up with that. But he's not drunk any of the time, he just seems very down.

Just so confused right now.
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Old 12-04-2009, 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by MerMaid81 View Post
...I do accept him how he is, have done for years, he does make me happy...
Just putting the thought out there for you MerMaid, but if this statement is a whole truth then what brought you to this site? My partner showing a lack of interest in intimacy with me would be upsetting, so would his continuing depression.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 12-06-2009, 07:34 PM
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that does sound odd what i said doesnt it :-/
I am just really confused right now, don't even know if im on the right forum.
I mean he has had a problem with alcohol, and has had one or two slips, where he's had some vodka, but when i think of how much he was drinking just last christmas, god he's come a hell of way, only 2 beers the other night.
He's never drunk anymore. And to be honest its not really the drinking a few beers that bothers me. Its the knowing he's not happy fully, i dont know if its his past he hasnt fully got over, if he's got a bit of depression, if its the alcohol, i dont know what it is, but i can sense he's not fully happy, he still has his walls up and he just doesnt have a sex drive, he's a bit shy and un confident as well.

He's off work this week and i've told him how im feeling, he listened and always thinks im saying he doesnt do anything right (his last GF messed him up a lot)

just dont know what it is.
thank you all for all your replies by the way! x
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Old 12-07-2009, 01:26 AM
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MerMaid, your last post is all about him - how you want him to act, what you think is wrong with him etc. You're not happy cos you don't think he's happy - your 'spidey sense' is tingling and you know how he feels despite his words and actions!. You really need to take the focus off him and put it back on you. You cannot rely on someone else for your happiness.

Trust him - he's a grown up who can make his own choices. I've struggled with depression most of my adult life. Just like alcoholism, no one else can make me better, the three C's work here too! I have to change how I think myself. I can get help from counsellors and other professionals (anti depressants saved my life) but I'm the one who has to work on it alone. If he is unhappy, then he has to work out for himself what will make him happy. You worrying at him and trying to 'make' him happy won't help. My STBXAH used to pester me like this - not that I'm saying you're pestering him, I'm just getting flashbacks! He eventually tried to control what I thought and felt, undermining my self confidence and ability to work through it on my own. You cannot control him. You cannot change him. The only person you can change and control is YOU!

I really do recommend you read Co-dependant No More. I think you will be surprised at just how much of it you will relate to!
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Old 12-07-2009, 07:03 AM
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I'm just going through a very confusing time right now, have down days a lot myself. When me and him have been talking i have told him that no one can do anything for him, i wouldnt try, i just try to understand more what the problem is with him exactly as i know what my problems are and admit them as well haha!

Is that the book by Melody Beattie? Just looked it up on Amazon, might get it for christmas. I have so many self help books that this place is overflowing with them! guess one more wouldnt hurt!

I'm a very deep thinker too and i know sometimes that isnt that good for your sanity, over thinking things can be a real pain!

But i do agree with all that you're saying, sorry if i brought up what you had in the past, but its good you're doing ok! I can be the one to take control sometimes as if i dont around here nothing will ever get done, and thats not just with my BF. I shall try to chill out more (easier said than done) and i do spend a lot of my time thinking about how i can make him happy and him smile, even if that means not doing things for myself.

Maybe coming on this forum has taught me something.

Hope you're having a great day all!

Last edited by MerMaid81; 12-07-2009 at 07:05 AM. Reason: Bad spelling due to frozen fingers from the cold outside!
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