Really need advice...

Old 12-03-2009, 12:45 PM
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Really need advice...

I was running errands today. The A called. He wanted to know if I drop some bank papers off at the job location that he was at today. I agreed since it is close to my neighborhood.

He was cold and catty last night, and I figured I would just drop this off. No biggie.

I was driving following the GPS to the location, and he called and said he was at a bar/restaurant nearby. I assumed he was there with the whole crew, but it seemed early for lunch.

when I arrived he was normal, chilly, and drinking a beer. He asked if I would mind giving him a ride back to the site, which I agreed to do. We got in the car and he started to cry. He was BAWLING! He said he had had an episode at the job, and was freaking out. He had left the site abruptly and ran 3 mile(!!!) to the bar.

He said he had not had one of these episodes since highschool. he is 31. He said he lost a few minutes, and it sounded to me like he had a severe panic attack. He cried and cried. He kept talking about how if anything happened, that I should assume he needs a psych hospital.He said he has been sleepwalking every night, waking up doing various menial things, like taking out the trash.

I was trying to ask him if he was ready, yet, to get some professional help: see a psych, dual diagnosis doctor? He talked around it, opting, obviously for the more dramatic extreme crazy talk. He pulled a beer out of his six pack, and while crying, pounded it. He said, "I have been trying so hard to get sober, I just don't know if I can do this." he swears this is his first day of having to drink on the job...hmmm.

He said he fears what may happen if he is on a ladder or operating heavy machinery if this happens again.

He asked me to please not act freaked out when we get to the job site...just act like we met for lunch. He cannot lose the job.

He asked if I would answer the phone today in case he really needed help.

That was at 11am.

At 330pm he called me and said, please forget that you saw how weak I was. I am going to keep it together. I know what I have to do.

Should I push for him to get the help? Ignore this? I know he was reaching out in his way... I am lost. My sponsor is not available.
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:50 PM
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Leave him to it.

That would be what I would do. He has unburdened his troubles on you and has said to forget about it, then I would. He heard what you said about help, he knows its there. He can get it himself if he needs it.

Step away and keep your side of the street.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 12-03-2009, 12:50 PM
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If he really wants to reach out, it's not you he needs. There are plenty of resources available to him. Resources designed to help people in his situation and staffed by people who are qualified to help.

If it were me, and he called me, I would give him the numbers of someone who can actually help him. AA, Salvation Army, local hospital, etc. If he doesn't call you, let it go.

L
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Old 12-03-2009, 01:41 PM
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Good grief. Maybe (I have a super suspicious mind you see) he needed a drama moment to make it "okay" to pound beers in the middle of the day??
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Old 12-03-2009, 01:48 PM
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My AH came home from what I suspect was gambling away $1400 borrowed secretly from his mother and a day of skipped work, on the day after our 2 yr wedding anniversary. He was crying and had a dozen beautiful flowers and our favorite bottle of wine.

He was crying as he told me he had driven to this place we'd been together once and contemplated killing himself. He said he wanted to die.

I said he should get some help, surprisingly unmoved by this. He ignored that part and went on about how I made him feel so badly about himself. I just didn't believe he was truly feeling so down if that was all he had to say about it. Within an hour the tears stopped and he was watching tv drinking a beer.

I think he wanted to be comforted.

Other times he brought up sexual abuse by his mother, proudly, telling me that he called her to confront her about it (again, he's done that a few times) because it apparently was really affecting him. I told him he should get help if he wants to work through those issues. He said, I confronted her about it, what do you want me to do?? As if that was enough to work out his issues, mentioning them. I said ok and that's great but that doesn't really solve any problems.

I just think if these men really are in a bad way and really want to get better, they will do more than go running to a spouse, crying, and tell them how awful their life is. They will put down the bottle, and seek out a counselor or some other help. Hopefully this isn't cruel thinking?
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Old 12-03-2009, 01:56 PM
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Being Silent so I can Hear
 
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I just think if these men really are in a bad way and really want to get better, they will do more than go running to a spouse, crying, and tell them how awful their life is. They will put down the bottle, and seek out a counselor or some other help. Hopefully this isn't cruel thinking?
Why in the world would they want to fix the very excuse they use to drink??
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Old 12-03-2009, 04:30 PM
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As hard as it is you need to let it go.... or ask him to call 911 next time...
The following mantra may help

NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM NOT MY PROBLEM
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Old 12-03-2009, 08:44 PM
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Looking back it is amazing to me how many times I RAN to my brothers's aid when they called for help. How MANY heart to hearts we had (drunk, sober but not recovered, hungover) where I would leave feeling drained but somehow hopeful that maybe this was the day they would begin to change. Oh, the tears, and the sad, moving spilling of vulnerabilities and troubles! How many dramatic declarations of intention to quit, intention to get help, intention to change, did I witness?

I really got sucked in time and time again. And again. AND AGAIN!!

Thank heavens AlAnon finally got me to step back and see this for the ludicrous and enabling situation it really was. If my brothers honestly wanted help they would not have been dialing my number.

Eventually I had the courage to hand them the numbers to local AA and say "I sure hope you use this soon!" I think if I hadn't really worked the program of AlAnon I would still be on the hope-and-expectation-followed-by-the-crushing-blow-of miserable-continuation roller coaster!

Giving them that piece of paper with the helpful tel. number on it really was a huge step for me - it released me...and I never have to say it again.

They are adults. They know where/how to get help with alcoholism.

peace-
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