Daughter of a single alcoholic mother
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1
Daughter of a single alcoholic mother
First off, hi, I'm new to these forums and don't know where else to turn.
I am 21 and I live with my mom. I am still in college, trying to get a degree so I can move out eventually. My mom has been a single mom since I was 13, so 8 years. There's other complicated yo-yo relationship stuff with my dad. Well, my grandmother, her mom, died when I was 2 months shy of 14. I tell you all this because I essentially have no where to go to get out of this toxic environment. I live 2000 miles away from any other family except my great grandmother but that is also a toxic environment.
So, my mom had gotten remarried in January. We all moved into a house together except I got the guest house so they had the main house to themselves. Nice set up, it worked for awhile. But as their rushed marriage started to quickly deteriorate, my mom decided that we needed to move out in September, so we did. Got an apartment and I was able to find a job in October after 14 months of searching.
Well, she's always had problems with drinking. When she got remarried, things settled down a bit for awhile. But since we moved out, she's been drinking more and more. She's been going into work hungover and she has acknowledged there is a problem, has told me she wants to change. That was last week. She'd been clean all week until this morning. She works nights and came home, chatted with me for a bit, then went into her room. Her work called her on both phones so I went in to tell her because she was still awake.
She was completely drunk. An argument ensued where she told me a variety of nasty things including how I'm such a useless mooch and she's just waiting for me to get my a** out of the house so she can kill herself. She is also bipolar. She won't seek professional help because she is a nurse and doesn't want to lose her license. I'm afraid to call the police or anything on her either (she got incredibly violent, almost physical towards me), because she will lose her license and then it would be my fault we have no money and are out on the street.
Long story short, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm afraid she is going to try and commit suicide, she has tried before very seriously. I'm also afraid she will never seek help.
I'm sure I've forgotten bits of the story. I'm still pretty upset from the argument and can't think clearly. I hope someone can help. Thanks.
I am 21 and I live with my mom. I am still in college, trying to get a degree so I can move out eventually. My mom has been a single mom since I was 13, so 8 years. There's other complicated yo-yo relationship stuff with my dad. Well, my grandmother, her mom, died when I was 2 months shy of 14. I tell you all this because I essentially have no where to go to get out of this toxic environment. I live 2000 miles away from any other family except my great grandmother but that is also a toxic environment.
So, my mom had gotten remarried in January. We all moved into a house together except I got the guest house so they had the main house to themselves. Nice set up, it worked for awhile. But as their rushed marriage started to quickly deteriorate, my mom decided that we needed to move out in September, so we did. Got an apartment and I was able to find a job in October after 14 months of searching.
Well, she's always had problems with drinking. When she got remarried, things settled down a bit for awhile. But since we moved out, she's been drinking more and more. She's been going into work hungover and she has acknowledged there is a problem, has told me she wants to change. That was last week. She'd been clean all week until this morning. She works nights and came home, chatted with me for a bit, then went into her room. Her work called her on both phones so I went in to tell her because she was still awake.
She was completely drunk. An argument ensued where she told me a variety of nasty things including how I'm such a useless mooch and she's just waiting for me to get my a** out of the house so she can kill herself. She is also bipolar. She won't seek professional help because she is a nurse and doesn't want to lose her license. I'm afraid to call the police or anything on her either (she got incredibly violent, almost physical towards me), because she will lose her license and then it would be my fault we have no money and are out on the street.
Long story short, I'm not sure what to do at this point. I'm afraid she is going to try and commit suicide, she has tried before very seriously. I'm also afraid she will never seek help.
I'm sure I've forgotten bits of the story. I'm still pretty upset from the argument and can't think clearly. I hope someone can help. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Hi Sasakan, and welcome!!! Glad you found this site.
Oh, my goodness. The first I am thinking is can you afford to live with a friend or roommate? If not it might be best not to be there too much when she is drinking. If she is violent she may hurt you next time. That is unacceptable behavior. You need to protect yourself. Arguing with her will not be a lick of use, especially if she is not sober. You also might go to an Alanon meeting in your area where you can get some support and help to know how to handle situations that come up like arguments and physical stuff. You will find lots of great tools and boundary ideas to help you deal and heal with this disease. You can not help your mom if you are trying to fix her. It won't work and she won't get better unless she really wants to. Check the phone book or online for meetings near you.
God bless....
Oh, my goodness. The first I am thinking is can you afford to live with a friend or roommate? If not it might be best not to be there too much when she is drinking. If she is violent she may hurt you next time. That is unacceptable behavior. You need to protect yourself. Arguing with her will not be a lick of use, especially if she is not sober. You also might go to an Alanon meeting in your area where you can get some support and help to know how to handle situations that come up like arguments and physical stuff. You will find lots of great tools and boundary ideas to help you deal and heal with this disease. You can not help your mom if you are trying to fix her. It won't work and she won't get better unless she really wants to. Check the phone book or online for meetings near you.
God bless....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello there sasakan, and welcome to this corner of recovery 
My mother was also alcoholic, and I ran away from home to get away from the insanity. I went to college too, but I lived in the dormitories. Living with my parents was _not_ in my best interests.
I'm sorry your mom is so verbally abusive to you, and trying to blame things on you is just horrible. If she _does_ try to commit suicide I think you would be totally justified in calling the paramedics. It's better to loose her license than to loose her life.
As far as suggestions I have several. First off, visit out other forum "next door".
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There is a _ton_ of information there on how to deal with the alcoholics in your life.
Next, pick up your phone book and look up "Al-anon". They have real life meetings where they share their experience in managing their own lives while living with an alcoholic. The meetings I go to have a lot of people like you and me; folks whose parents are alcoholics. They also have the _best_ books and pamphlets on the subject.
That should get you started. And please feel free to post any questions you have. Dealing with an alcoholic can be totally crazy making. We all know because we've all been there, done that
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
My mother was also alcoholic, and I ran away from home to get away from the insanity. I went to college too, but I lived in the dormitories. Living with my parents was _not_ in my best interests.
I'm sorry your mom is so verbally abusive to you, and trying to blame things on you is just horrible. If she _does_ try to commit suicide I think you would be totally justified in calling the paramedics. It's better to loose her license than to loose her life.
As far as suggestions I have several. First off, visit out other forum "next door".
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
There is a _ton_ of information there on how to deal with the alcoholics in your life.
Next, pick up your phone book and look up "Al-anon". They have real life meetings where they share their experience in managing their own lives while living with an alcoholic. The meetings I go to have a lot of people like you and me; folks whose parents are alcoholics. They also have the _best_ books and pamphlets on the subject.
That should get you started. And please feel free to post any questions you have. Dealing with an alcoholic can be totally crazy making. We all know because we've all been there, done that
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I like the getting out and living with a roomate idea. I know it is hard for you to concentrate on school like this. Is there a women's shelter in your area? I think if you share in an Alanon meeting you will get lots of suggestions. This is totally not fair to you. She is headed for some serious consequences that are her choice. Being a nurse she knows what she needs to do. I hope you can leave.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by DesertEyes 
It's better to loose her license than to loose her life.
Sorry, I'm not buying that one -- it's just an excuse for not being ready to give up booze.
T
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
I'm afraid to call the police or anything on her either (she got incredibly violent, almost physical towards me), because she will lose her license and then it would be my fault
In most states it is a crime if you believe someone is going to kill themselves and you don't report it to authorities.
Let's see the logic here:
Your mom is bipolar, gets depressed, drinks and is violent.
You call the cops because you're concerned about both your welfare and hers.
Who started this? A leads to B, B leads to C, so it's W's fault? Nope. Get that out of your head.
Let's say you do call the cops, let's say she does lose her license: who did the drinking? Not you. Who doesn't take medications for a serious mental disorder? Not you. Who became violent? Not you. Who lost her license as a result of these decisions? Not you. Who protected your mother from herself when she was unable to? You.
See? Losing the license is not your fault. Neither is her drinking. You're not pouring it down her throat. You didn't cause her bipolar disorder. In no way is this your fault. (I'm not even going to go into the moral quagmire of "should an unmedicated bipolar person be practicing nursing" thing)
We're here for you. I hope you can find a way to take care of yourself, your mom seems to be the one getting all the attention right now, and if you don't take care of you, life will only become more difficult.
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