ViciousCycle

Here I sit.....again.....man of my dreams just went to bed,,,,can I go too? No, I am an idiot alkie,,,,,,,,,I hate me.....I feel the need to pound down a couple more beers........I think he knows..........it probably won't be long before this guy is gone too........Asta....if you read this I am sorry.......I let you down.........why can i not handle this?

You know what though you guys? I really don't think I like this anymore.........that is huge for me.........I am almost done............

NewMe11109

VC - I am sorry.

Do you have a sponsor or someone to talk to on the phone? Can you go to a meeting?

What you have been doing in the past isn't working, so it is probably time to try something new -- even if it is uncomfortable.

It sounds to me like you are now recognizing that there is no way that you can do this yourself. So, all that is left is surrender and giving it over to your higher power.

Perhaps this is your bottom.

Aysha

Almost? How bout you are done. Like right now. Put the beer down and go to bed with that man of your dreams. Oh and pour the rest out.

OZboy

..not an idiot...a genuine person me thinx..ozy..:ghug3

Dee74

I'm sorry VC

I think newme's on the money - you need to try some new things - not liking it is not enough....I didn't like it either at the end but I still drank for a couple more years.

but for now - follow Aysha's advice - tip the rest out and go to bed, VC.

D

ViciousCycle

ok.......will do........but its funny.....I feel some strength this time.......I am not enjoying this "round" so to speak.........could this really be the one?

Love you guys,.......did you know when it was the time? Did you know that very moment?

scoob

I knew it was time, but like Dee, kept drinking for awhile. My bottom was July 2008, but I only held onto that sobriety for 3 months.

Trying something new and scary, AA meetings, has helped keep me sober for almost 2 months now. I'll keep going back as long as it works.

Goat

Yeah, I think there's a switch that finally flips in your head. But you have to make it stick

And... you're no more of an idiot than I am... I could pick up a beer and be right back there. It'd take a second. An instant of wavering. Not gonna do it tonight.

-Goat

NewMe11109

Not sure how I knew, but I knew it was time to make a change.

It took me six more months of sobriety after that to accept that I was an alcoholic.

CarolD

A really bright srong woman has this on heer sig line

Mega

Threshold

You're only an idiot if you DON'T make this your last time.

I knew when I sobered up after my last binge, that it was the last time, but the only way it was going to be the last time is if I started doing something different, otherwise, I was just kidding myself, like I had so many times before.

So, I had to decide, and quick, how I could change things...and darn, that was too scary and overwhelming...I didn't know where to begin, but I knew some people who did...I came here, read, and asked questions and found out what others were doing to stay clean, then I chose a method that seemed like it would work for me, and started doing what those people did.

So far I've stayed clean longer than I ever did on my own power.

If I use again, it's by choice. Because they tell me I never have to use again, never have to wake up ashamed and hung over again, and never have to go through withdrawal again. Sounds good to me.

keithj

Could it be that you are powerless over alcohol?

The turning point for me was the shattering of the delusion that I would ever get a handle on it. When I got sober, it started with the new idea that I would not get a handle on it. Previously, I kept thinking I'd get it right this time, that I'd work harder or stay more vigilant, or avoid all the things that set me off. But when I finally got sober, it was with knowledge of the truth. And that truth was that I would never get it right. That there was nothing I could do, I was doomed to keep repeating the same failures over and over.

And I surrendered, did what was suggested, and recovered.

Stereosteveo

Viscious,

I've been right where you are, about 6 times in my first year of AA. I look back at all of the time I spent beating myself up. I want to say for the most part what a waste of time it was. But I think it's part of the process of realization of "powerelessness".

When it really got scary is when I realized I couldn't face life with or without alcohol. That's what it took for me. It took every last drink for me to become "willing" to surrender to the recovery "process". However if I had known what a profound effect the 12-steps would have on me I would have done it much sooner. With the new state of consciousness I now see that the answers were right there in front of me in the Big Book the whole time.

So don't feel stupid or alone. You sound about as strong willed as I am by nature.

Have you ever listened to?:
Joe/Charlie Big Book Adventure?
Bob Darrel "How to Recover from a Spiritual Malady"

My sponsor told me to put my recovery in this order:
1. Joe/Charlie
2. Big Book
3. Meetings

It worked. I haven't had to try to figure out a way to get away with a drink in a few years. In fact the miracle of the steps is that I haven't even had to think about a drink since. All I can tell you is I'm the guy who just could not quit drinking.

Also I really like what KiethJ wrote. You might read that a few times as well.

Don't give up. "Seek the solution with the desperation of a drowning woman".

This thing works. It's promised.

bdiddy5522

Sorry you are going through all of this VC. It is apparent you are not liking your behavior, but are not sure how to stop. What can you do differently this time to stop drinking for good? You know we are all here for you and will do anything we can to help you. I will do anything I can! Check in with the August group.

Have you tried AA? Not saying it is the only way, but it is the only thing that i found that worked for ME. Might be worth a shot. If will power alone was enough, none of us would still be drinking. Think about it.

Hugs VC. Brent

ANEWAUGUST

VC-

You aren't an idiot, at all.

It sounds like you are an alcholic, just like me. We are POWERLESS over the first drink.

We need a recovery plan/program that will help us when that urge comes.

I did it for along time with online support, but, I needed to see people who struggled like I did. I needed to hear their voices, hear their laughter, feel their hugs and get some phone numbers of folks to call if I felt like drinking. I found all of this in the rooms of AA

Come VC...we know you can do this...this can be the last time, the very last time you have to feel this way...

((hugs))

Ananda

Aw...I'm sorry you are strugging

I know for me the not enjoying it part didn't stop me.....nor did "concequences"

What had to change for me is that I had to believe I could be sober. I had to believe it was possible for me just as it is possible for everyone else.

The first step of recognizing my powerlessness is a step I took long long before I got sober.

The second step of believing I could be sober is the step I had to take to become sober.

Talk to other alchoholics and search for the hope (hug)

wicked

the alkie idiot is just a small part of who you are vicious cycle.
not all of who you are, maybe you cant handle alcohol (i cant either) but think of what you could handle without it.
beth

tyler

Yea, I knew "when it was time", but I still didn't stop until I lost my mararige, my house, job, the abality to see my son regularly, had a couple of stints in the mental ward, had to move back in with my parents at age 37, was financially bankrupt (not to mention spiritually) etc. "Knowing it's time" is some progress, but the most important thing you gotta get your brain around is being willing to do something about it. Even then it's still a battle and there will be stumbles, bumps, and bruises along the way. It is a good first step to feel like "it's time" when you've been drinking, but you really gotta feel that way before you pick up that first drink, and put it down. Now that will be progress!

Hope you're feeling better. Take care.

mirage

I'm sorry you're going through this, VC..I know it sucks. You've got such good insight here, I'll just send ya love...

thirtybubba

(((VC)))

Not an idiot. It's that strange form of temporary insanity that makes it seem like a good idea--till you're squarely in the mix and don't like it as much as you thought you would. Been there, oh yeah, I've been there...

Take care and stay safe,
TB