Update - still safe
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Update - still safe
Realized I hadn't written for about a week with an update to my SR Family.
Nothing dramatic happening. I'm still safe, no contact from STBX-AH since he was taken away from the house in handcuffs to spend a night in the clink. Still keeping track of his debit card activities. Nothing dramatic. Side Pockets a lot (bar/restaurant/pool tables from what the web site says), liquor store, Wal-Mart, Walgreens... things like that. Sometimes in my town, sometimes two towns away where I guess he's staying, probably in a hotel. His car's still in the garage, stuff's still at the house. No attempt to come get anything. I meet with my lawyer Friday, which was put off from Monday, then Wednesday since she was out sick.
My Mom and Stepdad have been in town for a short visit. They're traveling from CA to FL and stopped here in the Mid West. It's been fantastic having them here! Made me feel semi-normal again.
I went to an AA meeting today, my first ever, just to check it out and because Mom and stepdad were going. It hurt so much to listen to these good people talk about where they used to be, and how hard it was to get out of it, and be where they are today. They talked about the inability to do anything from getting out of bed, to taking a shower, to being out of work, to failed marriages… all the things that ruined my marriage. It was so painful.
$hit, I wish I could hate him. Wish I had anger to propel me along. What I have is a profound sense of loss, yes for myself, but more for him. Alcoholism has laid waste to his entire self, that brilliant mind, the dear, kind heart, the gentleman, the handsome man. Complete and total waste. I hate to think of him dying drunk, dirty, sick and alone. But that is the only future I see for him. It breaks my heart. And so I pray. God, the One AH is so furiously angry with, is the only One who can perform the miracle that would change that. But AH has to choose that path. And I pray he does. I'm hoping that for him, not for me. Lots of tears writing this.
Oliver, my 3 ˝ month old kitty went to the vet today to take a look at a bloody, infected looking claw that I noticed the day I got home. He ended up staying to have that claw removed and get neutered, poor guy. They think he might have a tumor in the toe and are sending the tissue to a lab to be tested for cancer. Goodness, I hope he's okay! My 16 YO son said; "That's a bad trip to the vet for Oliver." Truer words were never said.
Hugs to all,
Tigger
Nothing dramatic happening. I'm still safe, no contact from STBX-AH since he was taken away from the house in handcuffs to spend a night in the clink. Still keeping track of his debit card activities. Nothing dramatic. Side Pockets a lot (bar/restaurant/pool tables from what the web site says), liquor store, Wal-Mart, Walgreens... things like that. Sometimes in my town, sometimes two towns away where I guess he's staying, probably in a hotel. His car's still in the garage, stuff's still at the house. No attempt to come get anything. I meet with my lawyer Friday, which was put off from Monday, then Wednesday since she was out sick.
My Mom and Stepdad have been in town for a short visit. They're traveling from CA to FL and stopped here in the Mid West. It's been fantastic having them here! Made me feel semi-normal again.
I went to an AA meeting today, my first ever, just to check it out and because Mom and stepdad were going. It hurt so much to listen to these good people talk about where they used to be, and how hard it was to get out of it, and be where they are today. They talked about the inability to do anything from getting out of bed, to taking a shower, to being out of work, to failed marriages… all the things that ruined my marriage. It was so painful.
$hit, I wish I could hate him. Wish I had anger to propel me along. What I have is a profound sense of loss, yes for myself, but more for him. Alcoholism has laid waste to his entire self, that brilliant mind, the dear, kind heart, the gentleman, the handsome man. Complete and total waste. I hate to think of him dying drunk, dirty, sick and alone. But that is the only future I see for him. It breaks my heart. And so I pray. God, the One AH is so furiously angry with, is the only One who can perform the miracle that would change that. But AH has to choose that path. And I pray he does. I'm hoping that for him, not for me. Lots of tears writing this.
Oliver, my 3 ˝ month old kitty went to the vet today to take a look at a bloody, infected looking claw that I noticed the day I got home. He ended up staying to have that claw removed and get neutered, poor guy. They think he might have a tumor in the toe and are sending the tissue to a lab to be tested for cancer. Goodness, I hope he's okay! My 16 YO son said; "That's a bad trip to the vet for Oliver." Truer words were never said.
Hugs to all,
Tigger
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
My heart goes out to you. Sometimes you feel like banging your head against the wall 
when you look at the person you love(d) and wonder "How come they don't see themselves as I do?" As you said "that brilliant mind, the dear, kind heart, the gentleman, the handsome man". My ABF is also all of those things. It just breaks my heart to see that beautiful person turn into such an ugly monster because of alcohol.
P.S. I hope your kitty-cat is okay. I will be praying for both you and Oliver.
when you look at the person you love(d) and wonder "How come they don't see themselves as I do?" As you said "that brilliant mind, the dear, kind heart, the gentleman, the handsome man". My ABF is also all of those things. It just breaks my heart to see that beautiful person turn into such an ugly monster because of alcohol.P.S. I hope your kitty-cat is okay. I will be praying for both you and Oliver.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Tigger, it mostly certainly is a tragedy.
sometimes I have great pity for the wasted potential,
at other times I don't, when I consider those whose lives are lost because they cannot get the medical care they desperately want and need, while the alcoholic has access to free treatment which he/she despises.
It IS insanity. But I am far from being so saintly that I should judge,
and so, I choose to continue to love some of those people from my life, but also keep a long and safe distance.
I am responsible for seeing to my health-care as much as they are, and since
those "they" in my life jeapordize my health and well-being, then I cannot maintain an attachment.
I have read a number of threads over the last few days.
It struck me today how different my lifestyle is now, and how unimaginable it is to those still caught up in putting out fires and crises.
There is never any yelling going on in our home.
The only shouts heard within these walls are those of happiness and joy.
Name calling is endearments and funnies.
No power and control, censorship etc dynamics being played out and served.
We are together because we are enhanced by each other and bring and share more pleasure together than singly.
sometimes I have great pity for the wasted potential,
at other times I don't, when I consider those whose lives are lost because they cannot get the medical care they desperately want and need, while the alcoholic has access to free treatment which he/she despises.
It IS insanity. But I am far from being so saintly that I should judge,
and so, I choose to continue to love some of those people from my life, but also keep a long and safe distance.
I am responsible for seeing to my health-care as much as they are, and since
those "they" in my life jeapordize my health and well-being, then I cannot maintain an attachment.
I have read a number of threads over the last few days.
It struck me today how different my lifestyle is now, and how unimaginable it is to those still caught up in putting out fires and crises.
There is never any yelling going on in our home.
The only shouts heard within these walls are those of happiness and joy.
Name calling is endearments and funnies.
No power and control, censorship etc dynamics being played out and served.
We are together because we are enhanced by each other and bring and share more pleasure together than singly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oh Live, thank you SO much for that. I needed tonight to remember that there IS a bright future out there somewhere for me. I hope lots of people read what you have written here and find hope and encouragement in your words as I have. Love you, lady!
Thanks to you too, Dreamer. Odd to love a monster, isn't it?
Thanks to you too, Dreamer. Odd to love a monster, isn't it?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
Glad things are a little brighter...I know what you mean about wishing you could hate. I should, but that's not the type of person I am. My ex bought two untraceable cell phones, but kept the old one, but changed providers. A friend spoke to him...he's obviously hitting a paranoid/manic stage, and is still drinking with the meds, and you know what I'm thinking..."is he really gonna do it this time?"
I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it is not my job to rescue him. I've always been a "helper", carrying home strays, worked as a counselor, a teacher, advise friends, charity...I like doing nice things...care too much.
But, it wears me down, thinking too much, caring about everyone, trying to change the world.
She had me take a "love" quiz...no joke...I'm agape...highest form of love.
But, she said that doesn't mean I have to "martyr" myself, either.
It's ok that you love him, just like I love mine. I just write down all the times his behavior has hurt me, forgive him in my heart, then remember that forgiveness is divine, but to NEVER forget the hurt, so I don't call and get sucked in the downward spiral again.
I know it is so hard for you, but it will pass...remember, pray for strength, not patience.
Love-OH
I talked to my therapist about it, and she said it is not my job to rescue him. I've always been a "helper", carrying home strays, worked as a counselor, a teacher, advise friends, charity...I like doing nice things...care too much.
But, it wears me down, thinking too much, caring about everyone, trying to change the world.
She had me take a "love" quiz...no joke...I'm agape...highest form of love.
But, she said that doesn't mean I have to "martyr" myself, either.
It's ok that you love him, just like I love mine. I just write down all the times his behavior has hurt me, forgive him in my heart, then remember that forgiveness is divine, but to NEVER forget the hurt, so I don't call and get sucked in the downward spiral again.
I know it is so hard for you, but it will pass...remember, pray for strength, not patience.
Love-OH
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
We are roaring with laughter and he checked...and he is NOT sitting on the phone.
Just the.....McNutts! LOL
You are too funny.
(follks, that isn't as bad as it sounds...it is a play on the family name! LOL)
Just the.....McNutts! LOL
You are too funny.
(follks, that isn't as bad as it sounds...it is a play on the family name! LOL)
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oliver the kitten came out of surgery just fine, sans a toe and his man parts. Apparently the girls at the vets office fell in love with him and are carrying him around all over the place. He comes home tomorrow, if I can pry him from their loving arms.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Oliver, the 9 toed eunuch came home today. He's as young and energetic as ever.
Oliver's mommy has a sore throat. Good thing it's Friday. I don't have any sick days left this year since I had back surgery several months ago.
Signed the divorce petition today. It should go to his lawyer Monday. Not sure what happens after that. Apparently my attorney and his have offices practically next door to each other. Mine says his is a wuss. Good! I've asked the lawyers to talk about whether he'll give me the keys to his car so I can get it out of my garage, and drop it off at one of the atty's parking lots.
Getting together with two girl friends that I used to go to church with, we're having dinner tomorrow night. Oh the JOY of not having an AH control my every move!
Oliver's mommy has a sore throat. Good thing it's Friday. I don't have any sick days left this year since I had back surgery several months ago.
Signed the divorce petition today. It should go to his lawyer Monday. Not sure what happens after that. Apparently my attorney and his have offices practically next door to each other. Mine says his is a wuss. Good! I've asked the lawyers to talk about whether he'll give me the keys to his car so I can get it out of my garage, and drop it off at one of the atty's parking lots.
Getting together with two girl friends that I used to go to church with, we're having dinner tomorrow night. Oh the JOY of not having an AH control my every move!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Getting impatient. Keep hearing that divorces take can take months. I'm ready for this to be done and over. Hoping that the divorce and the hopeful (based on the judges decision) permanent order of protection encourage him to move on and out of the state that AH constantly reminded me he didn't want to live in ("I hate Missouri, only reason I'm here is because of you.")
Oliver (NTE - nine toed eunuch) is much more cuddly since he's been de-manned. Un-manned? Got his little man-things chopped off? Lorena Bobbett-ed? Oh wait, that was a different appendage. Tee hee. I'm having altogether too much fun with this at poor Oliver's expense. Tough being a male in my house right now, even if he is a cat. I ought to have a sign on my front door - NO BOYS ALLOWED!
Oliver (NTE - nine toed eunuch) is much more cuddly since he's been de-manned. Un-manned? Got his little man-things chopped off? Lorena Bobbett-ed? Oh wait, that was a different appendage. Tee hee. I'm having altogether too much fun with this at poor Oliver's expense. Tough being a male in my house right now, even if he is a cat. I ought to have a sign on my front door - NO BOYS ALLOWED!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I wouldn't go that far Tigger, I'd just say you've gotten yourself a proper "man of the house" now.
I'm sure Oliver is still the same macho macho mouser that he always was. He just sings a little higher than the rest of the choir (as my grandpa used to say). Hehe.
As for the divorce...good things come to those who wait, right?
Alice
I'm sure Oliver is still the same macho macho mouser that he always was. He just sings a little higher than the rest of the choir (as my grandpa used to say). Hehe.
As for the divorce...good things come to those who wait, right?
Alice
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
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GGggrrrrr - AH (living in a hotel somewhere with an Order of Protection to stay away from me) must have bought a computer since when they took him off in handcuffs he had NOTHING. He has FaceBook contacted an old and dear friend of mine half way across the country to try and say bad things about me to her. What a jerk, weasel, schmuck (the last two compliments of my sister)!
You guys said he'd try to get to me somehow. I shoulda known it would be via computer. Grrrr!
Very cool thing happened today - the dear, dear lady who grooms my dogs once every 6 weeks called me today to tell me that the next couple of grooming sessions are free. FREE! Because I can't afford them, and had called to cancel a pre-made appointment. I had cancelled the previous one when I was staying in the DV shelter, and told her htat.
THEN she quietly mentioned we had something in common. Oh my what? Domestic violence! Apparently her husband is not a drug or alcohol user/abuser. But she wants to come to an Al-Anon meeting with me Saturday. I suggested she seek DV counseling for herself and her daughter. Although I'm willing to be there for her, I am by no means qualified to help her. I also said that if she helps me muck out the two spare rooms, she and her daughter have a place in my home anytime for any length of time. Poor thing is isolated from friends and family. Huh... we know that story, don't we?
So... that's my story for today. Never a dull moment!
You guys said he'd try to get to me somehow. I shoulda known it would be via computer. Grrrr!
Very cool thing happened today - the dear, dear lady who grooms my dogs once every 6 weeks called me today to tell me that the next couple of grooming sessions are free. FREE! Because I can't afford them, and had called to cancel a pre-made appointment. I had cancelled the previous one when I was staying in the DV shelter, and told her htat.
THEN she quietly mentioned we had something in common. Oh my what? Domestic violence! Apparently her husband is not a drug or alcohol user/abuser. But she wants to come to an Al-Anon meeting with me Saturday. I suggested she seek DV counseling for herself and her daughter. Although I'm willing to be there for her, I am by no means qualified to help her. I also said that if she helps me muck out the two spare rooms, she and her daughter have a place in my home anytime for any length of time. Poor thing is isolated from friends and family. Huh... we know that story, don't we?
So... that's my story for today. Never a dull moment!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I definitely think finding someone like your groomer who offers some help and then taking the opportunity to offer help to them is exactly what they mean when they talk about giving back in the 12 Steps.
Came at just the right time, I think. Just when AH was trying to poke his narly finger through the cage he has put himself into thinking someone out in the real world wanted to hear from him, you receive a beautiful dose of love.
Keep reaching out and others will do the same.
Much love,
Alice
Came at just the right time, I think. Just when AH was trying to poke his narly finger through the cage he has put himself into thinking someone out in the real world wanted to hear from him, you receive a beautiful dose of love.
Keep reaching out and others will do the same.
Much love,
Alice
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