marriage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: portland, oregon
Posts: 59
marriage
Just wondering from those of you who are married to an alcoholic if you could go back in time knowing what you do about your so would you do it again? My abf told me last night that he wants to marry me. Not that it was a proposal or anything but we had always said that we werent going to get married. Marriage is hard enough without adding alcoholism into the mix. Do these relationships ever work?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I have thought about this once or twice in my married life and I would say if I could go back in time knowing what I know now no I wouldn't do it.
I have a few friends that have been faced with alcoholism in their marriages and the ones that are still together it is because their spouse is taking recovery seriously.
I have a few friends that have been faced with alcoholism in their marriages and the ones that are still together it is because their spouse is taking recovery seriously.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Everyone is different but I'd say the odds aren't so great. If I had known that my husband-to-be's drinking was more than just a habit, and had found the resources available with information regarding the disease, I have a feeling I would have looked at things a lot differently.
My AH and I rushed into things for immigration purposes but otherwise I would have had more time to get a good back story and might have been more scrutinous. As it stood, I loved him (still do
) and thought we could make it work--hey, I'm persistent and very easy going, so why not? Well.. it's not working. And it's much more difficult after the tens of thousands of dollars in wedding and honeymoon expenses, on top of the intricacy of our combined financial situation, now that we have been run poor by not-fully-thought-out business decisions on his part and refusal to give up drinking or smoking to keep us out of more debt, and on top of that we have a house together and a dog. None of this is pleasant to have to split up, and it's horribly heart breaking.
I would say if I could go back in time, I probably would have left it as a great relationship and moved on, but they say hindsight is 20-20.
I wouldn't say I regret my decisions because knowing what I knew then I would still make the same choices, and I've learned a lot from them.
If/after a divorce I meet another alcoholic, there is no way I am going to choose him as a husband. I have had enough struggles, life shouldn't be this hard. I choose more fun over pain! Nothing like being lied to and put 2nd or 3rd int he priority list past the addictions. I'm just glad I didn't get kids into the mix yet..
My AH and I rushed into things for immigration purposes but otherwise I would have had more time to get a good back story and might have been more scrutinous. As it stood, I loved him (still do
) and thought we could make it work--hey, I'm persistent and very easy going, so why not? Well.. it's not working. And it's much more difficult after the tens of thousands of dollars in wedding and honeymoon expenses, on top of the intricacy of our combined financial situation, now that we have been run poor by not-fully-thought-out business decisions on his part and refusal to give up drinking or smoking to keep us out of more debt, and on top of that we have a house together and a dog. None of this is pleasant to have to split up, and it's horribly heart breaking.I would say if I could go back in time, I probably would have left it as a great relationship and moved on, but they say hindsight is 20-20.
I wouldn't say I regret my decisions because knowing what I knew then I would still make the same choices, and I've learned a lot from them.
If/after a divorce I meet another alcoholic, there is no way I am going to choose him as a husband. I have had enough struggles, life shouldn't be this hard. I choose more fun over pain! Nothing like being lied to and put 2nd or 3rd int he priority list past the addictions. I'm just glad I didn't get kids into the mix yet..
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
I was never married, but I will say that had I known a year ago what I know now..... I never would have answered the phone the second time he called. I would have unplugged it and changed my number at the sight of the first red flag during the Alcoholic Daytona 500. Yes, hindsight is always 20/20.
But I will say, that had I not gone through this painful experience, I may not be in counseling now, really attacking my own issues.
I've been hit with some pain today, thinking about my XA, angry...etc. But, without him, I may not be able to appreciate that truly wonderful man who is waiting for me in the future. So, at this moment I would like to send out to him a big ol'
and BYE!!
But I will say, that had I not gone through this painful experience, I may not be in counseling now, really attacking my own issues.
I've been hit with some pain today, thinking about my XA, angry...etc. But, without him, I may not be able to appreciate that truly wonderful man who is waiting for me in the future. So, at this moment I would like to send out to him a big ol'
and BYE!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Let me start by saying I am still married to an active alcoholic and struggling with it. I don't think I will stay with him, but I haven't quite thrown in the towel. Click on my name to find my original posts. People were counseling me on whether or not to have kids, but the answers apply to you.
I would say this. The work I am doing - acknowledging reality (he's an alcoholic and I am a codependent) and attempting to grow to a different place (for myself) could have happened before we married. I had the signs/flags from early on but chose not to see them. Although I wouldn't take back the good times, doing it before marriage would have been cleaner (financially, practically, and emotionally). It would have been easier to extract myself, if necessary. It would have (maybe) given myself time to find a mate that I could raise kids with in an healthy way. So, yes. I would like to go back to before marriage and deal with all this. I probably never would have married him. That sounds cruel, but the truth is, I can't change him and he is making himself and me (because I love him so much) very unhappy.
I didn't want to have my fantasy rocked. I didn't want reality. My fantasy was much nicer. So I didn't rock the boat. I didn't address (my needs or his issues). I didn't set boundaries. I let stuff get buried. I lived in my fantasy. I loved him.
Do these relationships work out? Of course, some do...not without much work, responsibility-taking, heartache and setbacks. Most don't. That doesn't matter, really.
What matters is RIGHT NOW where are YOU in life and where is HE? You have said he is verbally abusive. Is that okay for ANYONE to behave that way? Is he acknowledging the issues? Is he acting responsibly? Is he getting help? Is he committed to change? Is he consistently working the steps/attending meetings/attending rehab/attending therapy/etc? Are his ACTIONS in alignment with his words?
And where are you? First off, you're on this discussion board. Red flag? Are you getting your needs met? Have you identified what your needs are? What you deserve? Have you created your own list of minimum qualifications (like a job description)? Are you going to Alanon/therapy/reading the suggested reading/etc? Are you working on your own stuff? Are you living in reality and not fantasy about who he is and what your life is? Would you tell a good girlfriend to marry an alcoholic? Especially AS HE IS RIGHT NOW. Good AND bad. Not the fantasy who he was/could be.
As others have counseled me - alcoholism is progressive. How he is now is, by all chances, the best he will be. He will get meaner, less responsible, less present, more abusive, drink more, lie and hide more, etc. etc. Are you ready for that?
Even if he were in recovery, it is a long, hard road. There is no nice, easy ending to alcoholism.
If you decide your minimum qualifications include honesty, respect, self-care in your partner, etc. and he doesn't currently have them, you can step away from the relationship now much easier than if you were married. You can do that and allow that he MAY change and you could go back at that time. That gives YOU the ability to take care of yourself.
Live in the right now. His behavior right now. Your feelings of pity for him don't help you or him. He has to be responsible for his actions. You don't need to be responsible for his actions. You also don't need to suffer because of them. Why did you leave him the first time? Can you make a list of reasons to remember?
Just my two cents. We'll be here sending hugs to you, whatever choice you make.
Good luck!
I would say this. The work I am doing - acknowledging reality (he's an alcoholic and I am a codependent) and attempting to grow to a different place (for myself) could have happened before we married. I had the signs/flags from early on but chose not to see them. Although I wouldn't take back the good times, doing it before marriage would have been cleaner (financially, practically, and emotionally). It would have been easier to extract myself, if necessary. It would have (maybe) given myself time to find a mate that I could raise kids with in an healthy way. So, yes. I would like to go back to before marriage and deal with all this. I probably never would have married him. That sounds cruel, but the truth is, I can't change him and he is making himself and me (because I love him so much) very unhappy.
I didn't want to have my fantasy rocked. I didn't want reality. My fantasy was much nicer. So I didn't rock the boat. I didn't address (my needs or his issues). I didn't set boundaries. I let stuff get buried. I lived in my fantasy. I loved him.
Do these relationships work out? Of course, some do...not without much work, responsibility-taking, heartache and setbacks. Most don't. That doesn't matter, really.
What matters is RIGHT NOW where are YOU in life and where is HE? You have said he is verbally abusive. Is that okay for ANYONE to behave that way? Is he acknowledging the issues? Is he acting responsibly? Is he getting help? Is he committed to change? Is he consistently working the steps/attending meetings/attending rehab/attending therapy/etc? Are his ACTIONS in alignment with his words?
And where are you? First off, you're on this discussion board. Red flag? Are you getting your needs met? Have you identified what your needs are? What you deserve? Have you created your own list of minimum qualifications (like a job description)? Are you going to Alanon/therapy/reading the suggested reading/etc? Are you working on your own stuff? Are you living in reality and not fantasy about who he is and what your life is? Would you tell a good girlfriend to marry an alcoholic? Especially AS HE IS RIGHT NOW. Good AND bad. Not the fantasy who he was/could be.
As others have counseled me - alcoholism is progressive. How he is now is, by all chances, the best he will be. He will get meaner, less responsible, less present, more abusive, drink more, lie and hide more, etc. etc. Are you ready for that?
Even if he were in recovery, it is a long, hard road. There is no nice, easy ending to alcoholism.
If you decide your minimum qualifications include honesty, respect, self-care in your partner, etc. and he doesn't currently have them, you can step away from the relationship now much easier than if you were married. You can do that and allow that he MAY change and you could go back at that time. That gives YOU the ability to take care of yourself.
Live in the right now. His behavior right now. Your feelings of pity for him don't help you or him. He has to be responsible for his actions. You don't need to be responsible for his actions. You also don't need to suffer because of them. Why did you leave him the first time? Can you make a list of reasons to remember?
Just my two cents. We'll be here sending hugs to you, whatever choice you make.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I would not have married him. This life has been very one sided, and most alcoholics are very selfish people.
I feel like I had to give up on alot of my hopes, dreams and aspirations because he simply could not deal with the idea that I might be successful. He tried very hard to always keep me at his level, and when he could not he tried to turn other people against me - his parents, our children, anyone who would listen to his quacking.
The good thing that came out of our marriage is four beautiful children, who I would not trade for anything in this world. I know that growing up in this house was not easy for them, but they are for the most part very well adjusted.
I feel like I had to give up on alot of my hopes, dreams and aspirations because he simply could not deal with the idea that I might be successful. He tried very hard to always keep me at his level, and when he could not he tried to turn other people against me - his parents, our children, anyone who would listen to his quacking.
The good thing that came out of our marriage is four beautiful children, who I would not trade for anything in this world. I know that growing up in this house was not easy for them, but they are for the most part very well adjusted.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
I wouldn't have married him; there have been so many unhealthy behaviors because of his hiding drinking (and my thinking he is working with me on these unhealthy behaviors while not knowing the drinking was blocking any potential for growth). Yuck...it's not a pretty picture...the going nowhere part.
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Windy City Burbs
Posts: 101
Add me to the no votes. I would have changed a lot of things, if I had a crystal ball to see into my future. I struggle with being too weak to leave in 24 years. 20 years active, 4 years in recovery....we have come along way with still so far to go. One day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Mine controlled his drinking for the first couple of years. But... it is progressive. The consequences started happening;DUI's,lost job,he added other substances pills,pot,methodone....personality changes,lies,verbal abuse,blackouts,legal stuff....a nightmare....I learned bondaries and struggled to get my self-esteem back,integrity back,own bank acct. By the Grace of God. It took years but I left. I was codependent. I was addicted to him.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
XABF and I were together 10+ years. We always talked about getting married. He even proposed once (totally wasted, how romantic). I always avoided committing to it.
He kept asking me what I was waiting for, and I always gave one fool excuse or another.
When I finally came to terms with his addiction and my codepedence, I wondered if my fear of committment all those years had more to do with my heart knowing how unhappy I was before my head caught up with reality.
Marriage won't cure a bad relationship, but I'm sure some would argue it makes it a heck of alot harder to leave one.
Alice
He kept asking me what I was waiting for, and I always gave one fool excuse or another.
When I finally came to terms with his addiction and my codepedence, I wondered if my fear of committment all those years had more to do with my heart knowing how unhappy I was before my head caught up with reality.
Marriage won't cure a bad relationship, but I'm sure some would argue it makes it a heck of alot harder to leave one.
Alice
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker 
I didn't want to have my fantasy rocked. I didn't want reality. My fantasy was much nicer. So I didn't rock the boat. I didn't address (my needs or his issues). I didn't set boundaries. I let stuff get buried. I lived in my fantasy. I loved him.
As others have counseled me - alcoholism is progressive. How he is now is, by all chances, the best he will be. He will get meaner, less responsible, less present, more abusive, drink more, lie and hide more, etc. etc. Are you ready for that?
As others have counseled me - alcoholism is progressive. How he is now is, by all chances, the best he will be. He will get meaner, less responsible, less present, more abusive, drink more, lie and hide more, etc. etc. Are you ready for that?
Your post really hit home for me, especially the 2 passages above. My ABF also proposed once (totally wasted also). I'm sure he doesn't even remember it. One thing we have talked about during his periods of sobriety was moving in together. But since he has resisted getting help of any kind, and since I have an 8 year old (not his) whom I refuse to expose to his disease, that idea is now a 'no-go' for me and I have told him so.This is a great thread!
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Absolutely, in a heartbeat, yes, I'd do it again. There's a lot of things I would have handled differently (and would be able to do because I'd have a better idea of what I was doing). The struggle for me was that the help came too late to save our relationship.
My (step) dad is an A. My mom has gone through hell in the last twenty years because of his addiction and her own codependency. But despite it all she is the strongest person I'll ever know. I'd give anything to have her strength and courage.
My (step) dad is an A. My mom has gone through hell in the last twenty years because of his addiction and her own codependency. But despite it all she is the strongest person I'll ever know. I'd give anything to have her strength and courage.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
not married but lived together.
and the answer is no.
there is no way i would choose to put myself through all the lies, betrayal, heartache, violence, lack of cooperation, disrespect, stinky mess, selfish sex, car accidents, theft, threats, sickness, jealousy, financial ruin, bad mouthing, spreading lies, police at the door, windows smashed, tantrums, depression, suicide threats that ended up occurring.
not what i'm looking for in a husband!
and the answer is no.
there is no way i would choose to put myself through all the lies, betrayal, heartache, violence, lack of cooperation, disrespect, stinky mess, selfish sex, car accidents, theft, threats, sickness, jealousy, financial ruin, bad mouthing, spreading lies, police at the door, windows smashed, tantrums, depression, suicide threats that ended up occurring.
not what i'm looking for in a husband!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Originally Posted by mentallyexh
I love my children - the highlight of my marriage - and wouldn't change that.....but I WOULD NEVER DO THIS AGAIN if I knew what I knew now.
Originally Posted by tiredspouse
I love my kids - but apart from my kids, I wish I had never married him. never, never, never. I wish I had left years ago. but I am thankful for what I have today (in divorce process)
Originally Posted by husbandofacoa
Would I do it again? HELL NO!
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