Update: all moved, and A's strange behavior
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
Update: all moved, and A's strange behavior
Well, we are all moved in. Smaller place, but it feels pretty good.
My A did not help to move me and our son at all, and his mother, and brothers, along with my friends and a sister came to help.
He did not even call yesterday, BUT
I had made a post on here over the weekend about how his mother had chastised him for not helping and how he wanted me to call her and tell her I was OK with that. I did not do that.
The night before we moved he called and I answered. I was hesitant that he may just be wanting to stir up drama, but was sort of hopeful that he may want to help.
He started off saying that he was going to buy a new television for son and me for christmas. Ours needs to be smacked every two minutes to keep the picture. I said that would be a nice gift for son, and he went on to say it would be a 47" flat screen/$600!! I said we did not need something that fancy or large, that we would be fine with something more basic, half the price... He insisted. I said, look why not spend half that on a TV, then we can buy Santa stuff for son with the rest. He insisted.
I am nervous about Christmas this year. It is a stressful time even when things are going great. I have always had enough to provide a good, solid, happy experience for my son gift wise--never over the top, just nice.
I said, can we discuss this. I do not have enough money to do it. What can we work out. He said he would just give me a lump sum, I could shop. Thats it. I know he has no idea what to do or to get, he has never been "present" for CHristmas before. He has been there, mind you, but, you know what I mean...
Then he says, " I am thinking that I will take your van, and you and son can get a new car. I will finance it. I will either buy a great, really strong used vehicle for you two, or I will finance a brand new one."
I said that I thought our van was fine, could we discuss it after the move, I had several busy days ahead...
He lost it. How dare I? "I am offering to do something for you. Do you see how you are?" He wanted me to go online and research cars, pricing, mileage, reviews. right then. I reminded him that I was packing to move a three bedroom house into a smaller place in the morning, could we please discuss this later, in a few days.
No way. "I need to do this now. I dont know what the future holds", he said...I asked if he thought he might lose his job? no. I asked if he was in an urgent situation? no.
He said he felt afraid that his fortune with his work would turn on him in any moment, and he needs to do this now, or he may not be able to at a later date.
I feel like he was feeling his version of guilty about not helping in ANY WAY with our relocation. He was desperate to do something big to offset that perception in other people..(mom)
I say his version of guilt, because I do not really think that he feels guilty. I think he really worries about what others think of what he does'nt do.
Another thing he said to me that night, after asking if I was dating (yeah, I have time between packing boxes...), was that he was not interested in burdening some unsuspecting person with his baggage filled life. He was too broken to date, and so he thought he would probably eventually just end up having to pay high end prostitutes for their time to fulfill his needs. I had nothing to say to this.
He continues, with every conversation, to act as if I blew it for our family. That I ruined our chance to have a good life together. He lied, drank, lived on the streets slept around, paid NO money to me, and messed with my head for 5 years while I raised our son. Then he got a job, and has been at it, paying support for 4 months. In the 3rd month, after trying to live together for 2 weeks, he felt that I was too much of a gamble, that my inability to be forgiving was a liability, and that I posed a threat to his positive new life. He left us.
I just told him I could not deal with his stuff right now. and hung up.
My A did not help to move me and our son at all, and his mother, and brothers, along with my friends and a sister came to help.
He did not even call yesterday, BUT
I had made a post on here over the weekend about how his mother had chastised him for not helping and how he wanted me to call her and tell her I was OK with that. I did not do that.
The night before we moved he called and I answered. I was hesitant that he may just be wanting to stir up drama, but was sort of hopeful that he may want to help.
He started off saying that he was going to buy a new television for son and me for christmas. Ours needs to be smacked every two minutes to keep the picture. I said that would be a nice gift for son, and he went on to say it would be a 47" flat screen/$600!! I said we did not need something that fancy or large, that we would be fine with something more basic, half the price... He insisted. I said, look why not spend half that on a TV, then we can buy Santa stuff for son with the rest. He insisted.
I am nervous about Christmas this year. It is a stressful time even when things are going great. I have always had enough to provide a good, solid, happy experience for my son gift wise--never over the top, just nice.
I said, can we discuss this. I do not have enough money to do it. What can we work out. He said he would just give me a lump sum, I could shop. Thats it. I know he has no idea what to do or to get, he has never been "present" for CHristmas before. He has been there, mind you, but, you know what I mean...
Then he says, " I am thinking that I will take your van, and you and son can get a new car. I will finance it. I will either buy a great, really strong used vehicle for you two, or I will finance a brand new one."
I said that I thought our van was fine, could we discuss it after the move, I had several busy days ahead...
He lost it. How dare I? "I am offering to do something for you. Do you see how you are?" He wanted me to go online and research cars, pricing, mileage, reviews. right then. I reminded him that I was packing to move a three bedroom house into a smaller place in the morning, could we please discuss this later, in a few days.
No way. "I need to do this now. I dont know what the future holds", he said...I asked if he thought he might lose his job? no. I asked if he was in an urgent situation? no.
He said he felt afraid that his fortune with his work would turn on him in any moment, and he needs to do this now, or he may not be able to at a later date.
I feel like he was feeling his version of guilty about not helping in ANY WAY with our relocation. He was desperate to do something big to offset that perception in other people..(mom)
I say his version of guilt, because I do not really think that he feels guilty. I think he really worries about what others think of what he does'nt do.
Another thing he said to me that night, after asking if I was dating (yeah, I have time between packing boxes...), was that he was not interested in burdening some unsuspecting person with his baggage filled life. He was too broken to date, and so he thought he would probably eventually just end up having to pay high end prostitutes for their time to fulfill his needs. I had nothing to say to this.
He continues, with every conversation, to act as if I blew it for our family. That I ruined our chance to have a good life together. He lied, drank, lived on the streets slept around, paid NO money to me, and messed with my head for 5 years while I raised our son. Then he got a job, and has been at it, paying support for 4 months. In the 3rd month, after trying to live together for 2 weeks, he felt that I was too much of a gamble, that my inability to be forgiving was a liability, and that I posed a threat to his positive new life. He left us.
I just told him I could not deal with his stuff right now. and hung up.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Wow, I think you handled him swimmingly. Nice.
As for his comment regarding hiring prostitutes...:wtf2 My XAH made a similar comment about how he had had several "firm" offers from coworkers to sleep with him, but that he'd generously turned them down (for me, I think!). It sounds like your H is just playing the "look what you've lost" card...
As for his comment regarding hiring prostitutes...:wtf2 My XAH made a similar comment about how he had had several "firm" offers from coworkers to sleep with him, but that he'd generously turned them down (for me, I think!). It sounds like your H is just playing the "look what you've lost" card...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
He lied, drank, lived on the streets slept around, paid NO money to me, and messed with my head for 5 years while I raised our son. Then he got a job, and has been at it, paying support for 4 months. In the 3rd month, after trying to live together for 2 weeks, he felt that I was too much of a gamble, that my inability to be forgiving was a liability, and that I posed a threat to his positive new life.
And it's all YOUR fault!
He left us.
Best Christmas gift ever!
I hope you are settled in your new place soon! Are you overwhelmed or have you been able to unpack? Must be hard to go from bigger to smaller....
Blessings on your new place - may it be filled with serenity, warmth, and love!
b.
And it's all YOUR fault!
He left us.
Best Christmas gift ever!
I hope you are settled in your new place soon! Are you overwhelmed or have you been able to unpack? Must be hard to go from bigger to smaller....
Blessings on your new place - may it be filled with serenity, warmth, and love!
b.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I know the feeling of going from big to small to smallest on the living situation, but I still have those I love and still don't have the alcoholic quackity quack to suffer with anymore. That will never be worth enduring for a bigger place..never.
Congrats on your move. You are on your own time, these days. Go at your own pace. What's more important is your health and peace and the same for your son.
I think you are right on track with his pangs of guilt or what passes for guilt for him. He seems very eager to work some sort of big favor for you two. I agree that steering clear of that stuff is the best plan. I've heard all that quacking about buying me the moon and such, and we all learn, that even if such offerings are made, there are always strings attached. The TV gets taken back when money gets tight. The car note gets forgotten and collectors come calling.
You're doing so well! Hang in there!
Alice
Congrats on your move. You are on your own time, these days. Go at your own pace. What's more important is your health and peace and the same for your son.
I think you are right on track with his pangs of guilt or what passes for guilt for him. He seems very eager to work some sort of big favor for you two. I agree that steering clear of that stuff is the best plan. I've heard all that quacking about buying me the moon and such, and we all learn, that even if such offerings are made, there are always strings attached. The TV gets taken back when money gets tight. The car note gets forgotten and collectors come calling.
You're doing so well! Hang in there!
Alice
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
*cough....ahem...testing 1,2,3*....
"Do Re ME...oh, hey that sounds good! ME ME ME ME ME!
Me!"
Funny how it's always all about them, if they're not brewing artificial drama, they're busy cooking up fake indignation.
"Do Re ME...oh, hey that sounds good! ME ME ME ME ME!
Me!"
Funny how it's always all about them, if they're not brewing artificial drama, they're busy cooking up fake indignation.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
When you whack the tv pretend it's him....I moved from a "paided for "house in the mts. on a lake with him, to a $600. a month basement apt. without him , and I love it.....hear the silence....no drama.....or crazies ,or chaos......Peace on Earth.....Fa la la la la la la la la.......NO quacking!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
promises, promises, promises.
gee, they are so good at saying these things. i actually think they believe it.
mine would say things like "i'm going to send the kids £60 next week" and i'd say "why not just send them £5 today? they would be delighted to receive even a note from you. and £5 is a fortune to a 6 year old!"
but he refused, saying he'd send £60. and then he'd get £60. and he'd drink it. and then we'd go back to "i'm going to send money to the kids" and i'd say "how about we buy some chocolates today and post them?"
it always had to be some big thing that cost a lot of money, when all you really need is a hand. plus, i bet you would spend that virtual $600 on something other than a flat screen tv, wouldn't you?
they really don't listen at all. that's because it's not about us or what we need (the van is fine) it's about them and their guilt.
gee, they are so good at saying these things. i actually think they believe it.
mine would say things like "i'm going to send the kids £60 next week" and i'd say "why not just send them £5 today? they would be delighted to receive even a note from you. and £5 is a fortune to a 6 year old!"
but he refused, saying he'd send £60. and then he'd get £60. and he'd drink it. and then we'd go back to "i'm going to send money to the kids" and i'd say "how about we buy some chocolates today and post them?"
it always had to be some big thing that cost a lot of money, when all you really need is a hand. plus, i bet you would spend that virtual $600 on something other than a flat screen tv, wouldn't you?
they really don't listen at all. that's because it's not about us or what we need (the van is fine) it's about them and their guilt.
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