powerless

Old 12-02-2009, 06:46 AM
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powerless

I really don't feel like explaining the whole story, but I don't know any other way to do it. He is right behind me, sleeping and I hope the typing doesn't wake him....

I'm gonna make this as short as possible, just to avoid him waking up..

My boyfriend has had a really messed up life. His dad is an ex junkie, who suffers from hepatitis and deminta now, and is Mom is an alcoholic. He has 3 younger siblings, that he has had to take care of since he was 12. His dad was in the Navy and his Mom would go out drinking and come home late at night with different men...

He had to be the one to discipline the kids, feed them, bathe them...etc pretty much he took on the role of being both parents, while his dad was out at sea. 12 year old kids don't know how to take care of things, so somehow someone knew what was going on and left an anonymous tip to child services. They came by the house to see what was going on and the house was filfly. They got taken away right then and there...

So to make a long story short...his mom let them go, while his dad fought for custody. By the time he won custody, my bf was already living on his own, but the other children went to go live with him in a run down single wide trailer. (run down because it was missing pieces of the floor and the fridge was broken, there was no shower head...etc)

So meanwhile Cory has no idea what is going on. He is living a pretty normal life for an 18 year old. We meet through a mutual friend fall in love and start living together...

A year goes by and we see Cory's dad downtown with a women. He hadn't seen or heard from his dad in a couple years. We get his address and go over to his house....it was a mess....

So we decide we can't live with our friends and party anymore...we have to take action...remember we are only 18 &19 at the time...we were still kids...

So we try to sustain a normal life for the children...meanwhile Cory is turning into a HUGE alcoholic who can be abusive at times...he's says its the stress..so i believe him...

Fast forward 3 years to the present day....we are living in a bigger home, the oldest kid is doing great in school, but the younger two have a really hard time listening to Cory. Cory's dad lives in the backyard in a camper and he lives off unemployment checks...so Cory has to be the dad...and they don't like that at all..meanwhile im busting my *** cleaning up after them and making sure his dad is going to his doctors appts (there are ALOT) and going to school full time, all at the same moment!

Cory has become an alcoholic. He is definitely verbally abusive and can be physically when things get really bad. Like two nights ago, he was so stressed out because he cant have a normal life. He was forced to be a father at such a young age. His dad is ALWAYS the trigger. He'll come walking in, all ****** up on meds and ask for money (we don't have any) so he gets pissed off at cory...even though WE are the ones taking care of everything!! So he took everything out on me last night. I didn't say a thing, I was just sitting there listening to music and he pours a beer on me. It turns to pushing and shoving, then hair pulling and eventually he bit my face...he went on a drinking binge downtown and slept amongst the homeless....I went to my mom's house for the 100 millionth time. My dad is done with me, and my mom is about there. They don't believe in me anymore...they don't understand why I keep coming back...

I came back this morning. He was asleep and the youngest boy was getting ready for school. He looked up at me and asked me if I was leaving. I said I wasn't sure and then he asked me not too...i seriously broke down...i have been these children's mother for 4 years!! Cory has been the father...I dont know how to leave...if i left, the bills wouldnt get paid, theyd be living in trash...i know this for a fact...it's happened before..

Now I dont know what to tell my mom...i don't want her pissed off at me, but i dont think i'm ready to leave him...what do i tell her...it's happened so much

We are still so young and I feel like I'm wasting my youth away taking care of this family, and my bf is treating me this way. I've left before, but he reeled me back in...it's so hard to leave...because I feel like he has a legitimate reason to drink and be angry

I'm so confused and I don't know what to do....
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Old 12-02-2009, 07:23 AM
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Hi mlewis! Sounds like you have a lot on your hands right now. I was drawn in to your story because a lot of the beginning of it sounded a lot like my abf's life growing up. I know how easy it is to "understand" why they are the way they are based on how they grew up. But, I also know now that it's not okay for it to affect my life in such a negative fashion. It's NOT OKAY that he is abusing you. You DO NOT have to stay in this situation and in my opinion, you SHOULD NOT stay in this situation. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders trying to make everything right. Trying to be the good "mom" and protect your bf and his siblings, but it's not your responsibility.

I think if I were you, I would place a call to social services. These children need to be protected and need stability. I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. Also, if you can get yourself to alanon meetings and/or maybe to a counselor for support, that would be a step in the right direction.

Hang in there and don't forget to take care of your self!
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:17 AM
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There is a member that posts in Friends and Families of Substance Abusers and one of the things she always says in her replies is "What would you tell a friend to do if they came to you with your story?"

Really, step out of it and think of it as one of your friends coming to you saying her bf is verbally and physically abusive to her, the father of the bf is relying of her to take care of him, all the while she is trying to be a Mom to the bf's siblings. Would it sound like a situation that could work? For anyone involved? Would you seriously tell a friend to stay in that situation and keep trying? I don't think so . . .

Of course the younger siblings are going to want you to stay - their life is so messed up and you are the only one attempting to make it "normal". But it doesn't sound like you have a snowballs chance in he!! of pulling it off - not with the father and bf working against you. Are there any other family or friends that the younger siblings could go stay with. I see on tv all the time of families that have taken in their kids friends and these kids go on to become mature, responsible individuals.

You are the only person that can take care of you. Are you ready to start doing that?

Yes, your bf had a tough life, but as long as he has you around to sympathize with him, take care of him (and his family) and pick up the pieces of his broken life, he doesn't have to do anything different. Just like my son - as long as I'm enabling him he doesn't have to change - but if I'm willing to step out of the way and let him be responsible for his life, he either spirals down into addiction or decides to take charge of his life and seek recovery. I can't make him, I can't do it for him and it isn't my fault.

Sorry this is so long
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Old 12-02-2009, 08:32 AM
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Thanks so much for the advice!

Unfortunately the kids have no other place to go. No grandparents, aunts, uncles....

I feel like it's not fair that the reason Cory and I have to break up is because his parents couldn't keep it together. He is my best friend in the whole world, and I just want to see him truly happy, without a bottle in his hand...

He's afraid to see his siblings get taken away, and he loves his dad so much...he feels like he dad's life got screwed up because of his mom so he feels sorry for him..He can't see reality, the fact that his dad is using him.....he's neglecting all of his children...and cory cant see that...

Ugh it's so hard...I want to be with Cory, but I don't want him to be stressed about this situation...even if we move out I feel like he would still sit there and worry (and drink) just the same if not more....
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:27 AM
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...even if we move out I feel like he would still sit there and worry (and drink) just the same if not more....

Very good observation and right on the nose. he absolutely will continue to drink because he is an alcoholic and that's what alcoholics do. All the alcoholics in my life - they drink whether there are stressors in their life or whether they just won the lottery. Doesn't matter. They drink because that's what alcoholics do. And if/when they stop for good it is a big deal and they have to work hard at recovery and it really changes them.

I feel like it's not fair that the reason Cory and I have to break up is because his parents couldn't keep it together.

I would not blame Cory's parents for Cory's choices. If you do then there is no hope for him and you may continue to fantasize about a "different" Cory - who hasn't lived the life this Cory has....does that make sense? You have to accept him just as he is today 100%. He is choosing to behave the way he is. He is choosing to drink instad of change. Also, don't you "have to break up" because he is a violent alcoholic? No one should treat you the way you are being treated. There's no love, decency, honor, respect or joy in the way you are being treated. You have a choice not to tolerate it.

The past is gone. You are free in THIS moment.

Get the focus off all the insanity around you and back on you. Your mental and physical health is at risk here.

peace-
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Old 12-02-2009, 11:36 AM
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You are being terribly abused. The children are not in a good environment.

No matter what happens you have got to protect and stabilize yourself for your self and for the kids.

You sound like you have the instincts to do the right thing. No matter what, though, you can be of no help to anybody if you go under with Cory.

Get yourself to a safe place,Take care of you. Read up on alcoholism, and abuse, and codependency.. THEN, when you are stronger, and clearer you can get some help to make a plan for how to proceed to get the kids into a better environment.
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Old 01-25-2010, 09:33 AM
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Cory and I got our checks back from school. It's over $2,000 and we want to move. Well I want to move really bad, but he is having doubts. He tells me it will help him quit drinking, since he won't be stressed about his brothers and sisters. He is just afraid to leave them alone, even though they are complete assholes to him. He is only 22 and the kids range from 12-17 and they DO NOT want to listen to anyone. His dad or his mom don't do anything to raise them....

Anyhow do you think he will stop if we move? He's so young I feel like if we move to a sweet college town, he'll meet new friends that have something intellectual to say. I feel like it would be better for him, but his attitude towards it makes it hard for me too. I don't want it to be my fault if it doesn't work out.....

Anyhow what should I do? Should we leave? Should we stay? Confused....
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Old 01-25-2010, 09:59 AM
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Anyhow do you think he will stop if we move?

Moving to a new town and getting new friends does not repair a broken childhood and therefore will not resolve the issues that drive him to drink in the first place. So to answer your question....no.

he'll meet new friends that have something intellectual to say

Has anything you've said up this point made a difference? What do you think these new folks will say to change him?

I don't want it to be my fault if it doesn't work out.....

I never wanted it to be my fault either, but regardless of who made the decision to move, my XABF made it my fault anyway. He drank because he could not process his emotions in a healthy way. He drank because he didn't want to be responsible for himself. Both of these reasons led him to blame me to avoid accepting reality. It may be difference for you. This is just my experience.

If you love him, you'll let him go and let him get better on his own. If you love your children, you'll get them to safety. If you love yourself, you'll stop putting him first.

Alice
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:16 AM
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They totally not my children, although I've been taking on the mother role for the past 5 years and my boyfriend has taken on the role of father when his family got taken away from his parents....

They aren't his responsibility...he's so young, he's only 22...can't he change?

Everyday it's a quart of hard liquor and a 12 pack, even though we have no money for food...

He says this will change if he moves, because he wont be a 22 year old trying to raise kids that are almost his age. They are getting into bad things as well and it is causing him to drink even more...

I feel like getting out of this will help him quit drinking, but I'm SO afraid to move, even though I HATE living here!
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:25 AM
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Mlewis904,

I was mentally composing some answers to your questions, when I saw that ItsmeAlice, had already said what needed to be said.

If you love him, you'll let him go and let him get better on his own. If you love your children, you'll get them to safety. If you love yourself, you'll stop putting him first.

You asked:
Anyhow what should I do? Should we leave? Should we stay? Confused....
Yes, you are confused about where you end and Cory begins. Please focus on you.
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Old 01-25-2010, 10:44 AM
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Well said, Alice.

Mlewis, you are not powerless, you CAN make your life so much better.

I also thought I loved an ex alcoholic bf, when he drank he started insulting me and making me cry horribly.... I thought it was the drink, that his mom died from a bad stomach disease, that his sister had the same disease and he had spent a night in the hospital with her, that he was away in a new city... excuses that I believed.

You cant control his drinking
Nothing external will change his drinking
Alcoholics are experts in empty promises
You cant cure him
You didnt cause his problem
You couldnt have prevented it
You are just in charge of YOURSELF.

There is NO excuse for abuse and disrespect.. NO excuse.. people go through tough stuff, and none of that gives you the right to stomp over another human.. I hope you can go to a counselor... none of what you are living is your responsibility or problem at all.

No context will make an abuser stop being an abuser... he has already hit you.. what comes next? when will it be enough for you? there are posters here that have physical limitations and pain due to their ex partners.. and it hurts a lot to witness that. You are still alive and healthy and deserve a joyful life.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:28 AM
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Originally Posted by Mlewis904 View Post
They totally not my children, although I've been taking on the mother role for the past 5 years and my boyfriend has taken on the role of father when his family got taken away from his parents....
You have been in a mother role, and Cory has been in a father role, who is actually parenting these children? Surely, there was some paperwork involved when his family was taken from his parents? Legal guardianship? Something like this?

They aren't his responsibility...he's so young, he's only 22...can't he change?
Okay, if the children are not his responsibility, then whose responsibility are they? Of course, he can change, I changed, I stopped drinking after 20 years, so anyone can change. He has to want to change.

Everyday it's a quart of hard liquor and a 12 pack, even though we have no money for food...
This amount of alcohol is a big problem MLewis, and if he his buying alcohol instead of food, it makes it a bigger problem.

He says this will change if he moves, because he wont be a 22 year old trying to raise kids that are almost his age. They are getting into bad things as well and it is causing him to drink even more...
He says he will change his drinking habits if he moves? A quart and a 12 pack will be hard to change, and a move usually doesn't change anything. I moved nearly 20 times in my life, never changed my drinking habits. How could he possibly be trying to raise kids he is not responsible for if he drinks so much? What is he doing NOW to change what is happening NOW?
More importantly, what is happening to YOU NOW? What about today, and tomorrow for you?


I feel like getting out of this will help him quit drinking, but I'm SO afraid to move, even though I HATE living here!

You are afraid to move, but hate living there? What is the best thing for MLewis to do? If you move and bring Cory with you, why do you feel it will help him quit drinking? Does he want to quit drinking? Do either one of you see it as a serious problem?
Please look into AlAnon for yourself MLewis. I think you need help.
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:56 AM
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"he's so young, he's only 22...can't he change?"...

Yes, I agree with Wicked. Of course he can change. Everyone has the power to change their situations IF THEY CHOOSE TO. No relocation, no outside influences are going to MAKE Cory change if he does not do the work INSIDE to make those changes.

Even so, are you willing to spend the next 10, 20, 30, 40 years going through emotional and physical abuse on the POSSIBILITY that he MAY change???

Everyone has said amazing things here. I hope that you can really focus on what YOU need to change for YOU and not what he needs to change for him.

HUGS and BE WELL.
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Old 01-26-2010, 08:59 AM
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Thank you guys soo much for the advice!

I know people say you can't change an alcoholic, but I figured that if we moved it might work..I was just wondering if it worked for anyone else..

The kids are his dad's responsibility, but his dad had dementia and needs more help than Cory. I love Cory so much and I hate to see him stressed out like this...

Not only does he have to worry about his younger siblings, he has to worry about his dad who is sick, and his mom who is STILL an alcoholic and calls the house every time her husband beats her! It's CRAZINESS!

How can a mother do this to her children! Cory remembers being 11 years old and coming home (after drinking and smoking w/ friends, because he mom was at the bar while his dad was in the NAVY) and seeing his infant brother laying in his dirty dipper with no adult to be found. He has been so overprotective of his family...even though they all use him and treat him like ****!

He has so much potential! He is VERY smart, a genius of music....it's just so sad...he is my best friend in the whole world...but he does hurt me...

Ugh I wish circumstances were different...i can't believe the person that created him is the person that ultimately killed him...if his mother acted like a normal person none of this would have happened....
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:09 AM
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Hi Mlewis...

I just wanted to chime in to let you know that moving didn't change a thing for me and my former alcoholic husband. We thought we could "run away" from our problems, but they just followed us where we moved. The problems weren't in a geographical location, they were within us, within him and within me.

Begging, pleading, reasoning, trying to understand, screaming, raging, bargaining...nothing worked to change my alcoholic. I finally realized that I DID NOT HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE HIM. Only he has that power.

Now about his potential...please read this thread:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

My former husband also had "great potential". He was an amazing photographer and digital illustrator, and when I met him, he was wholeheartedly devoted to his son. And yet, he chose to let that go, wallow in his self-pity and his alcohol.

Yes, Cory MAY become a great x, y, and z someday, if he works at it and wants it bad enough. But right now, today, this very minute, he is the man who physically and verbally abuses you, bottle in hand. Is THIS the man you love?

Please know that there is no excuse for the way he treats you. It doesn't matter what was done to him and how unfair and horrible his life is, was or will be. He CHOOSES to drink. He CHOOSES to mistreat you. You are not there with a gun up his nose, forcing him to do these things.

There comes a point when we have to stop making excuses for all the people in the world who, because they had a bad childhood, CHOOSE to perpetuate the toxicity and abuse onto others.

Keep posting. We're here.
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Old 01-26-2010, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Mlewis904 View Post
Ugh I wish circumstances were different...i can't believe the person that created him is the person that ultimately killed him...if his mother acted like a normal person none of this would have happened....
This is called "magical thinking". I do it all the time I WISH things were different. I wish that my former husband was more balanced, healthier, had gotten an education, was less prejudiced, that his family was normal, etc etc. But that's not reality.

Living in the "what if" is not only useless, it can also lead us towards delusional and dangerous action. You can organize your entire life based on "what if", only to be horribly disappointed and hurt when things don't happen how you expected.

Living in "what is", as hard as it may be, is the only way I've found to find peace within myself.
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