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Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
New here...
Hello Everyone,
I found this site yesterday and probably at a time when I most need it. For the past 2 and a half years I have been in a relationship with someone who has an addiction problem to heroin. When we first met he told me on our second date that he was a recovering addict and that he was clean. I had never known anyone really who had used the stuff beyond neighbors my grandmother used to have who you could tell were on drugs just looking at them. I thought he must not have a problem because he wasn't like them and looked like a normal guy, had a job, and seemed with it. Our relationship moved really fast and we moved in together after dating only three months. He was great with my daughter, fun to be with, and just seemed like the most sincere and wonderful man I had ever met. About several months into our relationship things had started going wrong. Money was not adding up, the bills were piling, he was claiming to be working late all of the time but never had the money to show for it, he crashed our car (that I was dumb enough to co-sign for) and I could tell that something was wrong. I have anxiety to begin with but at this point I had what I guess could be called a nervous breakdown. I couldn't function and even left my appartment because being there was just so unsettling. I didn't know what was going on and I just landed up staying at my mother's and just lying in bed all day. It was horrible. I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety but it quickly became about him. She had said that everything I was telling her was red flags and after one meeting I went to my mothers (I was going back and forth from her house and my own) where the car he had crashed was parked and just went through it. I found in under the mat in the trunk where the spare tire is needles, spoons, and a letter from court explaining that he had been arrested a few months earlier for buying heroin (he had had me come bail him out and said that it was from an old warrant from when he 'used' to use). First, I left him and then I went back. I had my daughter stay with my mom and I watched him go through withdrawals which, were terrifying to say the least. Finally, he went and stayed at his mother's house and I guess got fully better and then met with a doctor and got on Suboxone (my therapist had recommended this for him). At this point things were great, I had my great guy back and I really believed that this was it. We had found a means to an end and could be a happy family again. However, last October I checked his cell phone after going to a painting class with my mom and he had been sending loads of texts to his old dealer. I confronted him and he said that the guy never called back (though he also told me they do this so you are desperate when they finally do answer the phone) and that it was just a dumb mistake. The following month, I became pregnant and things just started going a little bad to the point that I thought something may be wrong but wasn't sure. He had stolen money from me once (money I was saving for all of us to do something fun or for an emergency) and just throughout the pregnancy we would fight and a lot of times he would start fights and just take off. He also began shoplifting a lot and despite my pleas for him not to do so he kept doing it and finally got arrested last August. It looks like he's going to get off of that though...In September, I started having suspicions again and went through the car and found methadone. He said that I was giving him a hard time always (which was me having going nuts thinking something was wrong) and that is why he did it. Again his behavior was up and down, some days he was great and others he was a total jerk. At the beginning of this month, he crashed another car and his mother offered to pick him up but he said 'no' and that he'll take a train to get closer (he was only like an hour away from her) and disappeared until about 9pm. He said he got lost and ended up in the city. He had her wire him money to get home and so he could go to his parole officer in NJ to pay them too. He has had marks on his hands, I found $900.00 hidden in a shoe the other day (I took it and hid it on him) which he claims was for Christmas presents, hasn't been showing up to work, and finally what made it very clear was yesterday when I found bruises on his forearms. We went out to dinner and I just basically forced him to tell me. He was like "If I admit it you're going to leave me..and you're going to tell my mom" (He works for his familys company and his mother gives him money all of the time knowing full well about his addiction problem...)It killed me that his first thought was that he might not get money for his drugs over me leaving. I told him that I could no longer be with him because if I stayed any longer that I would only be enabling him to keep doing it and that it was not a good environment for the kids. He tried to say that he'll just up his dosage of Suboxone and all of this crap but I know it doesn't matter. It's killing me because no one else understands how I am feeling right now. My mother (whom I am staying with) thinks that after everything I shouldn't be so upset. I wish it were that easy but I feel like I am addicted to him and I am scared out of my mind that I will make the unwise choice and take him back once he does start calling because I know he will. I plan on getting myself back into therapy to help myself get through this and also to figure out my role in this as a co-dependent so that I do not keep making the same mistakes again. It's just very tough because I am so lonely, I have no car and am basically stuck here 24/7 until I get a car which could be at least 2 months. I am scared that during this time I may fall weak and that I will make the mistake. I love him or I guess I love the idea of him. The man that I used to know, the one I fell in love with, the man I am not sure even existed. I am almost done with the semester and will have my Associates degrees which, I am happy about but I can't must the energy to finish my work. I know I have to do it but my thoughts are just of him and what's going to happen. I keep trying to tell myself that it's no longer my problem but God, this just happened last night. I don't know if I should tell his mother what is going on because in all honesty, she'll just try to control him. He's 27 years old and she tries to control him to stop him but doesn't realize that he can't change unless he wants to (something I am also learning) and that no amount of control will keep him from using. I also feel that if he really wants to get clean, he will fess up himself and that I shouldnt be the one doing his dirty work by exposing him for what he is. I don't know what to think or do, I just feel very alone and just crushed. Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read all of this, I know it was long but I just needed to get this off my chest especially to a support group who does truly understand what I am going through.
I found this site yesterday and probably at a time when I most need it. For the past 2 and a half years I have been in a relationship with someone who has an addiction problem to heroin. When we first met he told me on our second date that he was a recovering addict and that he was clean. I had never known anyone really who had used the stuff beyond neighbors my grandmother used to have who you could tell were on drugs just looking at them. I thought he must not have a problem because he wasn't like them and looked like a normal guy, had a job, and seemed with it. Our relationship moved really fast and we moved in together after dating only three months. He was great with my daughter, fun to be with, and just seemed like the most sincere and wonderful man I had ever met. About several months into our relationship things had started going wrong. Money was not adding up, the bills were piling, he was claiming to be working late all of the time but never had the money to show for it, he crashed our car (that I was dumb enough to co-sign for) and I could tell that something was wrong. I have anxiety to begin with but at this point I had what I guess could be called a nervous breakdown. I couldn't function and even left my appartment because being there was just so unsettling. I didn't know what was going on and I just landed up staying at my mother's and just lying in bed all day. It was horrible. I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety but it quickly became about him. She had said that everything I was telling her was red flags and after one meeting I went to my mothers (I was going back and forth from her house and my own) where the car he had crashed was parked and just went through it. I found in under the mat in the trunk where the spare tire is needles, spoons, and a letter from court explaining that he had been arrested a few months earlier for buying heroin (he had had me come bail him out and said that it was from an old warrant from when he 'used' to use). First, I left him and then I went back. I had my daughter stay with my mom and I watched him go through withdrawals which, were terrifying to say the least. Finally, he went and stayed at his mother's house and I guess got fully better and then met with a doctor and got on Suboxone (my therapist had recommended this for him). At this point things were great, I had my great guy back and I really believed that this was it. We had found a means to an end and could be a happy family again. However, last October I checked his cell phone after going to a painting class with my mom and he had been sending loads of texts to his old dealer. I confronted him and he said that the guy never called back (though he also told me they do this so you are desperate when they finally do answer the phone) and that it was just a dumb mistake. The following month, I became pregnant and things just started going a little bad to the point that I thought something may be wrong but wasn't sure. He had stolen money from me once (money I was saving for all of us to do something fun or for an emergency) and just throughout the pregnancy we would fight and a lot of times he would start fights and just take off. He also began shoplifting a lot and despite my pleas for him not to do so he kept doing it and finally got arrested last August. It looks like he's going to get off of that though...In September, I started having suspicions again and went through the car and found methadone. He said that I was giving him a hard time always (which was me having going nuts thinking something was wrong) and that is why he did it. Again his behavior was up and down, some days he was great and others he was a total jerk. At the beginning of this month, he crashed another car and his mother offered to pick him up but he said 'no' and that he'll take a train to get closer (he was only like an hour away from her) and disappeared until about 9pm. He said he got lost and ended up in the city. He had her wire him money to get home and so he could go to his parole officer in NJ to pay them too. He has had marks on his hands, I found $900.00 hidden in a shoe the other day (I took it and hid it on him) which he claims was for Christmas presents, hasn't been showing up to work, and finally what made it very clear was yesterday when I found bruises on his forearms. We went out to dinner and I just basically forced him to tell me. He was like "If I admit it you're going to leave me..and you're going to tell my mom" (He works for his familys company and his mother gives him money all of the time knowing full well about his addiction problem...)It killed me that his first thought was that he might not get money for his drugs over me leaving. I told him that I could no longer be with him because if I stayed any longer that I would only be enabling him to keep doing it and that it was not a good environment for the kids. He tried to say that he'll just up his dosage of Suboxone and all of this crap but I know it doesn't matter. It's killing me because no one else understands how I am feeling right now. My mother (whom I am staying with) thinks that after everything I shouldn't be so upset. I wish it were that easy but I feel like I am addicted to him and I am scared out of my mind that I will make the unwise choice and take him back once he does start calling because I know he will. I plan on getting myself back into therapy to help myself get through this and also to figure out my role in this as a co-dependent so that I do not keep making the same mistakes again. It's just very tough because I am so lonely, I have no car and am basically stuck here 24/7 until I get a car which could be at least 2 months. I am scared that during this time I may fall weak and that I will make the mistake. I love him or I guess I love the idea of him. The man that I used to know, the one I fell in love with, the man I am not sure even existed. I am almost done with the semester and will have my Associates degrees which, I am happy about but I can't must the energy to finish my work. I know I have to do it but my thoughts are just of him and what's going to happen. I keep trying to tell myself that it's no longer my problem but God, this just happened last night. I don't know if I should tell his mother what is going on because in all honesty, she'll just try to control him. He's 27 years old and she tries to control him to stop him but doesn't realize that he can't change unless he wants to (something I am also learning) and that no amount of control will keep him from using. I also feel that if he really wants to get clean, he will fess up himself and that I shouldnt be the one doing his dirty work by exposing him for what he is. I don't know what to think or do, I just feel very alone and just crushed. Thanks to anyone who actually took the time to read all of this, I know it was long but I just needed to get this off my chest especially to a support group who does truly understand what I am going through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hi honey, I'm sorry you are so lonley, scared, frustratd etc. right now.
My name is Cess, and I can tell you, that although I'm still working through stuff myself-- I do understand what you wrote.
I also suffer from anxiety/panic disorder. THIS alone can make you feel 'stuck'. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't have that underlying problem, if I would find it easier to get un-stuck when it comes to the addict in my life.... after all , panic/anxiety surrounds control issues.
All I can say is to keep reading, writing, posting.
I too, am in college, and I know what it feels like, to not want to do your school work, because your tapped out mentally. What I have done to combat that feeling, is to tell myself, that I will rise higher than him/his addiction..... if he wants to go sprialing downwards, I CAN'T/WON'T go down with him..... save ME.
You are correct, you can't help him. It sounds like he's not done enough... all you can do is bow out gracefully. Finding needles in cars etc.... no money.... crashing a car you signed for, and now have no transportation........ look at these hard. They give you ample validation for taking care of yourself and the kids.
I KNOW its hard not to listen to his words. I know you want him to mean it, and to be the recovered guy that has a 'good' side that you want around again. BUT the words are just that... words. WATCH actions. Watch his level of responsiblity. When he is done with his addiction, he will know and you will know also.
Until he really hits his 'bottom' as they say, he will make his life different.
Until you have hit YOUR bottom, by the consequences of living a life with an addict... you will make YOUR life different.....
Hugs, and prayers,
Love,
Cess
My name is Cess, and I can tell you, that although I'm still working through stuff myself-- I do understand what you wrote.
I also suffer from anxiety/panic disorder. THIS alone can make you feel 'stuck'. Sometimes I wonder if I didn't have that underlying problem, if I would find it easier to get un-stuck when it comes to the addict in my life.... after all , panic/anxiety surrounds control issues.
All I can say is to keep reading, writing, posting.
I too, am in college, and I know what it feels like, to not want to do your school work, because your tapped out mentally. What I have done to combat that feeling, is to tell myself, that I will rise higher than him/his addiction..... if he wants to go sprialing downwards, I CAN'T/WON'T go down with him..... save ME.
You are correct, you can't help him. It sounds like he's not done enough... all you can do is bow out gracefully. Finding needles in cars etc.... no money.... crashing a car you signed for, and now have no transportation........ look at these hard. They give you ample validation for taking care of yourself and the kids.
I KNOW its hard not to listen to his words. I know you want him to mean it, and to be the recovered guy that has a 'good' side that you want around again. BUT the words are just that... words. WATCH actions. Watch his level of responsiblity. When he is done with his addiction, he will know and you will know also.
Until he really hits his 'bottom' as they say, he will make his life different.
Until you have hit YOUR bottom, by the consequences of living a life with an addict... you will make YOUR life different.....
Hugs, and prayers,
Love,
Cess
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, welcome to sr. sorry you are having to go through all of this but i'm glad you found us. seems to me you have been doing your homework and is really off to a good start. you are here, seeing a therapist and you've moved to your moms, you are protecting yourself and your kids.
try not to take his behavior personal. his behavior is typical for an addict. no matter what his excuse is for using, please know that this really has nothing to do with you, what you do or say/don't do or say. he's using simply because he chooses to and like you said, he wont stop until he's ready. you are not to blame at all for his actions. usually they will try to put the blame on anyone who would except it but that only takes the focus off them.
alanan and naranon are good f2f support groups for family and friends. maybe you could check your area and began to attend as many meetings as possible. keep posting and reading, learn all you can about addiction and co dependancy. there is a lot of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum page.
the addict in my life is my husband and i've tried to talk to my mil about ah's addiction but that didn't turn out very well for me. i think maybe in time his mom will eventually know anyway. addiction can only stay hidden for so long. without help, his addiction will get progressively worse. try to focus more on you. do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied, do something fun or something you've wanted to do but haven't yet. all that obsessing can really take a toll on you. it does get easier as time goes on, i promise. you and yours are in my prayers.
try not to take his behavior personal. his behavior is typical for an addict. no matter what his excuse is for using, please know that this really has nothing to do with you, what you do or say/don't do or say. he's using simply because he chooses to and like you said, he wont stop until he's ready. you are not to blame at all for his actions. usually they will try to put the blame on anyone who would except it but that only takes the focus off them.
alanan and naranon are good f2f support groups for family and friends. maybe you could check your area and began to attend as many meetings as possible. keep posting and reading, learn all you can about addiction and co dependancy. there is a lot of good info in the stickies at the top of the forum page.
the addict in my life is my husband and i've tried to talk to my mil about ah's addiction but that didn't turn out very well for me. i think maybe in time his mom will eventually know anyway. addiction can only stay hidden for so long. without help, his addiction will get progressively worse. try to focus more on you. do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied, do something fun or something you've wanted to do but haven't yet. all that obsessing can really take a toll on you. it does get easier as time goes on, i promise. you and yours are in my prayers.
Last edited by teke; 12-02-2009 at 06:40 AM.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Good Morning and welcome to our SR family
I hate that you have been affected by the disease of addiction but I am glad you found us so that you can find the help and support for YOU.
I agree with the suggestions of the help in the Al-Anon or Nar-Anon programs - these have been wonderful programs for me - Actually they have saved my life and sanity.
With them, SR, my recovery family and the love of the God of my understanding I have learned to live Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the chaos surrounding my life.
It has also given me the strength, courage and wisdom to make healthier choices for my life.
I pray that you will continue your path so that you will find those same things within you - You deserve that same serenity!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
I hate that you have been affected by the disease of addiction but I am glad you found us so that you can find the help and support for YOU.
I agree with the suggestions of the help in the Al-Anon or Nar-Anon programs - these have been wonderful programs for me - Actually they have saved my life and sanity.
With them, SR, my recovery family and the love of the God of my understanding I have learned to live Happy, Joyous and Free regardless of the chaos surrounding my life.
It has also given me the strength, courage and wisdom to make healthier choices for my life.
I pray that you will continue your path so that you will find those same things within you - You deserve that same serenity!
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: NY
Posts: 76
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments. This is so ridiculously hard for me to deal with. I keep running so many crazy thoughts in my head like 'maybe he'll get better and we can be together' and just thinking about what is going on with him right now if he's ok, did he tell his family? is he getting help? I even thought to myself 'why hasn't he tried to talk to me' though I told him not and though I know that is probably the worst thing that could happen at this moment of such vulnerability and pain. I am 26 and was married young to my high school sweetheart who lied to me constantly and who cheated. I thought that my next relationship could never be worse than the abuse that I dealt with when I was with him and now it's like 'whoa' I did it again. I found myself someone who lied to me, has devastated me emotionally, and who "cheated" on me with drugs. I am not in therapy yet but I will be as soon as I get some insurance related problems taken care of. I am happy that I found this site because it is almost shocking to see others going through similar situations and emotions that I am now. What is most inspiring is that there are so many of you staying strong, sticking to your guns, and trying your best not to let their addictions get the best of you. Thank you again for everything. Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I will get past this, I just gotta be strong.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
it really helped me to practice changing every thought of him, sometimes i had to do it one minute at a time, into a positive one that had nothing to do with my ah or his addiction. i had to detach from my ah after 21yrs of his addiction and my addiction to him, i believe i was literally going insane. i know its hard and its painful, but one day at a time, you will get to a better place. keep the focus on you and try to find a f2f alanon meeting if you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by want2Bfree325 
I love him or I guess I love the idea of him.
I used to consider myself the anti co-dependent, until I learned that my daughter was addicted to heroin. That event unleashed a mom determined to beat addiction, fix her daughter...control her daughter and her choices. And it did not work. From my own experience, it was substantially easier to blame my co-dependency on my daughter than take responsibility for it.
It sounds like your guy is on a run and will not stop until he is forced to do so and likely do some prison time, convicted of a felony.
Only thing any of us control is ourselves. Focus on getting that degree so that you are in a better position to support yourself and children. Going back to therapy is also a good move, on your part.
Parenthood is not a cure for addiction. Exposing him is useless. He is controlled by a demon. Accept this situation as it is and keep your focus on yourself.
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie is a terrific book. You can get a copy at your local library or a used copy for about $2.50, at Amazon.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
(((hugs)))
You are in the right place and will find a lot of support here. I'm glad that you are making choices based on what is right for your child. You can't go wrong if you continue to put their best interests ahead of everything else.
I know it is hard and it is lonely. But you are doing the right thing and if you are patient, and have faith, you will start to heal from this experience.
Just have patience. This will pass.
You are in the right place and will find a lot of support here. I'm glad that you are making choices based on what is right for your child. You can't go wrong if you continue to put their best interests ahead of everything else.
I know it is hard and it is lonely. But you are doing the right thing and if you are patient, and have faith, you will start to heal from this experience.
Just have patience. This will pass.
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