kicked out ABF...pregnant and lonley
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: az
Posts: 3
kicked out ABF...pregnant and lonley
hi I am new here. I will just start with I am 8 weeks pregnant and threw out ABF again 4 days ago. He is already sucking me back in with promises of change, which has happened quit a few times before thats how i ended up pregnant when i got back with him 11 weeks ago! He was sober for 19 days then drank again twice and I told him to leave. He is going to an outpatient program, but has no where to stay for any length of time in this area, if he leaves and goes up north I am afriad he will not get the help he needs as he would be staying with a friend who is also an A in a small town. I also have a 15yo daughter who is tired of our fighting and his crap. I own my home and have a great profession as an RN. I just miss him because sober he is very loving and affectionate, however I do not feel like he is secure or depenable and I always feel taken advantage of with my love and money. He just rcently was laid off due to the terrible economy but I felt taken advantage of even when he was working. I feel so strong sometimes yet so week, I'm sure I must be codependant. I love him yet hate his drinking and behavior.. is there any hope? He is 40yo and been an A for most of his life and has no children. I was hoping this would change him as the pregnancy of my daughter 15 years ago changed me dramaticlly. Any advise, part of me wants to let him come back but I hate to see the dissappointment on my daughters face if that happens(again), the other part of me wants to let him go and he can do what he wants...possibly get sober and come back to make a life together or at least be there for his child. Please help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Welocme to SR!
I am sorry for the reasons you are here, but I can assure you that you will find a great deal of support, as well as experience, strength and hope, amongst the members of SR.
It is late and you may not get many replies tonight, but I am sure you will have many new friends by mid-day tomorrow!
I would suggest that you check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum, introduce yourself there....and also read the stickies at the top of that forum.
One thing you will learn is that:
1) You did not cause the alcoholism
2) You cannot control the alcoholism
3) You cannot cure the alcoholism
and
that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it doesn't get better without a strong program of recovery it only worsens.
What do you think would be in your best interest and in the best interest of your daughter and your unborn child? You ARE responsible for your children. You cannot, no matter how hard you try, be responsible for his drinking. If so, if there were enough love to cure it.....why none of us would be here in the family and friends forums!
Please feel at home and post as much as you like.
Others will be along soon, I am glad you found SR!
I am sorry for the reasons you are here, but I can assure you that you will find a great deal of support, as well as experience, strength and hope, amongst the members of SR.
It is late and you may not get many replies tonight, but I am sure you will have many new friends by mid-day tomorrow!
I would suggest that you check out the family and friends of alcoholics forum, introduce yourself there....and also read the stickies at the top of that forum.
One thing you will learn is that:
1) You did not cause the alcoholism
2) You cannot control the alcoholism
3) You cannot cure the alcoholism
and
that alcoholism is a progressive disease, it doesn't get better without a strong program of recovery it only worsens.
What do you think would be in your best interest and in the best interest of your daughter and your unborn child? You ARE responsible for your children. You cannot, no matter how hard you try, be responsible for his drinking. If so, if there were enough love to cure it.....why none of us would be here in the family and friends forums!
Please feel at home and post as much as you like.
Others will be along soon, I am glad you found SR!
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi, just wanted to chime in and welcome you to our family. i'm sorry you have to be here but so glad you found us. you may feel lonely but you are not alone here. i agree with liveweyerd, nothing you can do or say that will make him want help or to stop drinking, he'll have to want it for himself and until he does, its bound to get progressively worse.
i believe there is always hope but it depends on whether or not the alcoholic really wants help, willing to work a plan of recovery and how long you are willing to wait until he gets there. try to focus more on you and your kids. we highly recommend alanon support groups for family and friends, maybe you can check your area and began to attend a few. lots of experience and f2f support, very helpful. you and your family are in my prayers.
i believe there is always hope but it depends on whether or not the alcoholic really wants help, willing to work a plan of recovery and how long you are willing to wait until he gets there. try to focus more on you and your kids. we highly recommend alanon support groups for family and friends, maybe you can check your area and began to attend a few. lots of experience and f2f support, very helpful. you and your family are in my prayers.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome!
Priorities> you and your child.
Nothing outside will ever make him succeed or not, it is an internal process and we do not know when -or if ever- he will become sober and healthy. This is out of your hands...stop carrying that weight.
I congratulate you for keeping this man away from you, and for learning from past experiences. Promises are meaningless without backup actions.
I was feeling blue for an XABF today and I thought "a painful decision does not mean it was not the BEST ONE for ME".
Bringing a child to the world should be a wonderful time, you do not need his drama, confusion, madness and hurt now. Or ever. Me too, I fell for the tears and promises, and next time I felt worse and worse. I suffered a lot trying to "make him see", I nagged, I talked, I resented, I shouted, I ignored him, I opened my heart in tears, I got angry well...
One year later, XABF comes drunk to work. At 9 AM he is STILL drunk. He still denies he has a problem. Losing me had no effect. In fact he got someone else, someone to abuse alcohol with and someone to abuse afterwards, right away. And in my good moments I am grateful he got some other distraction so he could leave me alone to heal from the incredible harm and confusion.
There is much joy to be had. We cannot wait for them to wake up and see the light. We cannot absorb THEIR pain. IT is not ours. Never was. Not our problem. Never was.
HUGS!! you are not alone, I am sure there are many people that want to see you happy including us in SR!
Priorities> you and your child.
Nothing outside will ever make him succeed or not, it is an internal process and we do not know when -or if ever- he will become sober and healthy. This is out of your hands...stop carrying that weight.
I congratulate you for keeping this man away from you, and for learning from past experiences. Promises are meaningless without backup actions.
I was feeling blue for an XABF today and I thought "a painful decision does not mean it was not the BEST ONE for ME".
Bringing a child to the world should be a wonderful time, you do not need his drama, confusion, madness and hurt now. Or ever. Me too, I fell for the tears and promises, and next time I felt worse and worse. I suffered a lot trying to "make him see", I nagged, I talked, I resented, I shouted, I ignored him, I opened my heart in tears, I got angry well...
One year later, XABF comes drunk to work. At 9 AM he is STILL drunk. He still denies he has a problem. Losing me had no effect. In fact he got someone else, someone to abuse alcohol with and someone to abuse afterwards, right away. And in my good moments I am grateful he got some other distraction so he could leave me alone to heal from the incredible harm and confusion.
There is much joy to be had. We cannot wait for them to wake up and see the light. We cannot absorb THEIR pain. IT is not ours. Never was. Not our problem. Never was.
HUGS!! you are not alone, I am sure there are many people that want to see you happy including us in SR!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
I'm sorry that you are hurting and miss your partner. You are taking healthy steps to protect yourself, daughter and unborn child from the chaos of alcoholism.
I finally reached my bottom in living with an active alcoholic. I wanted a healthy relationship and I wanted a stable, loving environment for my children. I did not want my children to mimic my relationship later in life with their relationships. I needed to be strong and set an example of taking care of myself and protecting my children. SR, Alanon, and self-help books have guided me on my journey.
SR is a wonderful source of support and information. There are some permanent posts at the top of this forum, referred to as sticky posts. They contain some of our stories and our experiences. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I'm sorry that you are hurting and miss your partner. You are taking healthy steps to protect yourself, daughter and unborn child from the chaos of alcoholism.
I finally reached my bottom in living with an active alcoholic. I wanted a healthy relationship and I wanted a stable, loving environment for my children. I did not want my children to mimic my relationship later in life with their relationships. I needed to be strong and set an example of taking care of myself and protecting my children. SR, Alanon, and self-help books have guided me on my journey.
SR is a wonderful source of support and information. There are some permanent posts at the top of this forum, referred to as sticky posts. They contain some of our stories and our experiences. Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Welcome! You will find that the people here are so wonderful. I couldn't have made it this far without them. Keep posting...
There is a sticky up top with my name on it. Read it. It was from when I was pregnant with our daughter. I also had older kids and was hoping that this pregnancy would turn him around. Sadly, it didnt and I had to make choices for my other kids and this baby. I kicked my exah out when baby was 4 months old. As you can see from my recent posts I am still an emotional basketcase and still do love my exah, but he is not here drinking and popping pills on a daily basis. He has his own life and so do I. I have kept my baby (now 20 months old) away from the chaos and will not let her around him that way.
You already took the first step in coming here. Your daughter and this baby are the number one priority.
Hang in there!
There is a sticky up top with my name on it. Read it. It was from when I was pregnant with our daughter. I also had older kids and was hoping that this pregnancy would turn him around. Sadly, it didnt and I had to make choices for my other kids and this baby. I kicked my exah out when baby was 4 months old. As you can see from my recent posts I am still an emotional basketcase and still do love my exah, but he is not here drinking and popping pills on a daily basis. He has his own life and so do I. I have kept my baby (now 20 months old) away from the chaos and will not let her around him that way.
You already took the first step in coming here. Your daughter and this baby are the number one priority.
Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi there and welcome to SR! Honestly, one of the best places on earth to find support and good friends.
I'm sorry you're going through this mess while preggo, but at the same time, congrats on your pregnancy!
As a mama of a 16 month old, just recently separated from an alcoholic man, I can sympathize with you. I spent my pregnancy wishing that the promises he made would be fulfilled. Heck, I spent the years PRIOR to my pregnancy wishing he'd keep his promises. I would wring my hands every time a beer can was cracked open, or every time I saw the receipts from the liquor store. He promised up and down he's "reduce" his drinking and quit smoking, for the sake of our daughter. Guess what, he was outside taking a puff after my daughter was born. And he's still drinking to this day.
As liveweyerd said about addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
It's sad to say, but your man loves the booze more than he loves you or his unborn child. If he wants to recover, he'll do it himself, for himself. You have no control whatsoever over that. You're not that powerful.
Similarly, you can't *make* him get involved and be present for his child. That's HIS choice. I'm learning this lesson right now, and it sucks the big one, but there it is. My daughter's father didn't lift a finger to care for her for over a year, and I spent that year getting more and more frustrated that he truly wasn't the father I'd imagined him to be. I felt disappointed for myself AND for my daughter, who deserves a involved, loving and SOBER dad. I almost wish I had left sooner, so I could have spared myself some angry tears, but I wasn't ready to leave yet and my HP had a lesson to teach me. So it all happened in good time and for a good reason.
This is JMHO, but I'd say now is the time to turn the focus away from him, what he's doing, what he's drinking, what he's promising, and focus on yourself, your daughter and that wonderful unborn life growing inside you! What do you want for them? What do you want for yourself? You all deserve to be happy, healthy and treated with the utmost love and respect.
Also, if you "feel" as though you're being taken advantage of, trust that. Trust your gut instinct. I didn't, so many times, and I tried to reason my way out of feeling jipped, abused, taken advantage of, and it never got me anywhere.
Keep posting. Keep reading. I'm glad you found us!
I'm sorry you're going through this mess while preggo, but at the same time, congrats on your pregnancy!
As a mama of a 16 month old, just recently separated from an alcoholic man, I can sympathize with you. I spent my pregnancy wishing that the promises he made would be fulfilled. Heck, I spent the years PRIOR to my pregnancy wishing he'd keep his promises. I would wring my hands every time a beer can was cracked open, or every time I saw the receipts from the liquor store. He promised up and down he's "reduce" his drinking and quit smoking, for the sake of our daughter. Guess what, he was outside taking a puff after my daughter was born. And he's still drinking to this day.
As liveweyerd said about addiction:
You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
It's sad to say, but your man loves the booze more than he loves you or his unborn child. If he wants to recover, he'll do it himself, for himself. You have no control whatsoever over that. You're not that powerful.
Similarly, you can't *make* him get involved and be present for his child. That's HIS choice. I'm learning this lesson right now, and it sucks the big one, but there it is. My daughter's father didn't lift a finger to care for her for over a year, and I spent that year getting more and more frustrated that he truly wasn't the father I'd imagined him to be. I felt disappointed for myself AND for my daughter, who deserves a involved, loving and SOBER dad. I almost wish I had left sooner, so I could have spared myself some angry tears, but I wasn't ready to leave yet and my HP had a lesson to teach me. So it all happened in good time and for a good reason.
This is JMHO, but I'd say now is the time to turn the focus away from him, what he's doing, what he's drinking, what he's promising, and focus on yourself, your daughter and that wonderful unborn life growing inside you! What do you want for them? What do you want for yourself? You all deserve to be happy, healthy and treated with the utmost love and respect.
Also, if you "feel" as though you're being taken advantage of, trust that. Trust your gut instinct. I didn't, so many times, and I tried to reason my way out of feeling jipped, abused, taken advantage of, and it never got me anywhere.
Keep posting. Keep reading. I'm glad you found us!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I had the same kinds of hope for my husband.. I didn't realize he was an A, just thought he drank a lot... but I figured that when we moved to the country togehter, when we bought a house, when we both got regular jobs, when we got married, when we had kids, etc.. he would drink less, etc.
However none of these things matter to an A, they are all empty promises if they do indeed promise at all. Most of these were hopes in my head.
These are all things that a non-alcoholic may decide to give up a party life style for.. but it's an addiction, they don't just stop because responsibility comes along, or if they do, I guess it is rare.
The first day I went to al-anon I met a girl a little older than myself who was going to both AA and Al-Anon meetings, she was sober and working a program. She told me that her Alcoholism landed her in a mental institution for 2 weeks. She said, "what do you think the first thing was that I did when I got out?" I didn't know. "Drink. It wasn't my rock bottom, I continued to drink for 2 more years after that. Then just one day I decided I couldn't do it anymore, and on that day I decided to get sober and stay sober. But for everyone it's different."
I'm sure you can find a lot more stories on the other forums here. But I did find it a shocker to hear that all my hoping, worrying, controlling, forgiving, saintly behavior was likely never going to be enough to get my AH to change.
I think that's the first step for us, is admitting we are powerless over the alcohol and the alcoholic.
However none of these things matter to an A, they are all empty promises if they do indeed promise at all. Most of these were hopes in my head.
These are all things that a non-alcoholic may decide to give up a party life style for.. but it's an addiction, they don't just stop because responsibility comes along, or if they do, I guess it is rare.
The first day I went to al-anon I met a girl a little older than myself who was going to both AA and Al-Anon meetings, she was sober and working a program. She told me that her Alcoholism landed her in a mental institution for 2 weeks. She said, "what do you think the first thing was that I did when I got out?" I didn't know. "Drink. It wasn't my rock bottom, I continued to drink for 2 more years after that. Then just one day I decided I couldn't do it anymore, and on that day I decided to get sober and stay sober. But for everyone it's different."
I'm sure you can find a lot more stories on the other forums here. But I did find it a shocker to hear that all my hoping, worrying, controlling, forgiving, saintly behavior was likely never going to be enough to get my AH to change.
I think that's the first step for us, is admitting we are powerless over the alcohol and the alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: az
Posts: 3
Thanks to everyone so far... I find myself making remarks like o he is not that bad and but he really says we wants to change so he can be there for this child. He really does like children alot. I am afraid that he will fight for this child in the end while still being an A. he is going to a program which is mon, wed, fri, but when i kicked him out and he left on saturday he drank till monday! I went to the er that saturday due to some bleeding they told me there was no heartbeat, they offered a d&c but i refused unable to accept it, went to the dr on monday ad he says he thinks it is still viable...says can be hard to detect the heart so early and with me being overweight. I go back next monday but in some ways I wish I would have had that d&c then i wouldn't even have to deal with him. I had lunch with him yesterday he is making promises again and i told him the only reason I even came to see him is because of baby. He has court today for dui, at least he is not running from that. I told him I cannot make a desicion of wether or not to let him come back untill i know wether the baby inside of me is ddead or alive. God he was so good for those 19 days, lol 19 days, he said he was feeling better more clear in the head. 19 days what a joke...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Birmingham, AL
Posts: 15
Right there with you
I'm new here too, in a very similar situation. Only with me, the baby's been born, and is two months old. AH promised all during the pregnancy that he would change. Guess what I found in his suitcase when we were in the hospital after I gave birth? A bottle of whiskry. His never followed through... But in his mind he did. He went from a bottle of wine and a twelve pack a night to a bottle of wine and a six pack... He actually USED this to support his argument that he'd changed. I don't know much, and I'm still living with AH, but I do know this: anything they promise while your pregnant is a lie. You thik it's a big enough deal to shake them up, but it's not. And it SUCKS to ralize that after the birth, cause then it's gonna be that much harder to leave him.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
The stress cannot be good for you or your daughter. She could possibly use Alateen to talk with her peers who have also been effected. I would establish some boundaries for you r BF.....90 in 90...meetings? Yep if you have the $ and the house he may be using you. Hard reality. I felt used in my situation. My gut just felt it. I couldn't do it anymore. Good luck. There is help here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I also have a 15yo daughter who is tired of our fighting and his crap
I bet she is.
Keep making the best decisions for you and your daughter! You know this - you are an RN! Alcoholism is progressive.
I just miss him because sober he is very loving and affectionate, I love him yet hate his drinking and behavior.. is there any hope? I was hoping this would change him as the pregnancy of my daughter 15 years ago changed me dramaticlly.
Hope is not a plan. And we all love our alcoholics and they are so much more lovable and kind when they are sober - but that's not the reality! It's a package deal. There aren't 2 people in there! Just one active alcoholic. And until he decides he needs to change there will be nothing but further alcoholic-roller-coaster misery in store.
I have watched my alcoholic brothers go through many relationships - with some really solid and wonderful women - but the outcome is always the same - misery and break-up. Some of these women were quick to get out and save their sanity and their bank accoiunts - others really hung in there, or kept coming back - thinking this time it would be different - only to really end up damaging themselves and losing years of their precious life to this insanity.
I hate to see the dissappointment on my daughters face if that happens(again)
Boy, that'd be a strong deterent for me....
You sound like a successful smart woman....stay strong and take your time figuring things out ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) it really is tough stuff - but you're not alone, collectively here on SR I'd say people have seen everything!
peace-
b
I bet she is.
Keep making the best decisions for you and your daughter! You know this - you are an RN! Alcoholism is progressive.
I just miss him because sober he is very loving and affectionate, I love him yet hate his drinking and behavior.. is there any hope? I was hoping this would change him as the pregnancy of my daughter 15 years ago changed me dramaticlly.
Hope is not a plan. And we all love our alcoholics and they are so much more lovable and kind when they are sober - but that's not the reality! It's a package deal. There aren't 2 people in there! Just one active alcoholic. And until he decides he needs to change there will be nothing but further alcoholic-roller-coaster misery in store.
I have watched my alcoholic brothers go through many relationships - with some really solid and wonderful women - but the outcome is always the same - misery and break-up. Some of these women were quick to get out and save their sanity and their bank accoiunts - others really hung in there, or kept coming back - thinking this time it would be different - only to really end up damaging themselves and losing years of their precious life to this insanity.
I hate to see the dissappointment on my daughters face if that happens(again)
Boy, that'd be a strong deterent for me....
You sound like a successful smart woman....stay strong and take your time figuring things out ((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) it really is tough stuff - but you're not alone, collectively here on SR I'd say people have seen everything!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Just another quick post from the Classic Reading section about the "potential" of alcoholics, which is in the same vein as loving the alcoholic when he is sober:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Do you love your BF for who he is NOW (drinking, fighting, broken promises and all), because that's the only person he's willing to be...
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html
Do you love your BF for who he is NOW (drinking, fighting, broken promises and all), because that's the only person he's willing to be...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Wannabhippy,
Welcome, and we're happy you're here with us. The support and wise words here are irreplaceable in my recovery from the effects of alcoholism, and I'm sure you will find more than a few people on here that have been exactly where you are. Hugs to you and your family.
I'm going to address this from a different perspective: the perspective of your daughter and unborn child. The effects of being raised by an alcoholic are huge. And I can't think of a single effect that is a positive one. So I 'm gonna tell you about me a little bit. I wish I knew about Alateen and Alanon when I was younger, I could have started my recovery a long time ago, and perhaps I would have a successful relationship and a family of my own by now. But it's never too late to start self improvement.
My obsession with perfection, my constant need to make others happy, my inability to accept anything other than the absolute best 24/7 from myself and everyone around me (which is always leading to constant disappointment) are all side effects from being raised by an alcoholic; these are all results of how I handled the dysfunction and pressures of having him as a parent. The codependancy and low self esteem (despite the strong exterior) have hindered me for twenty something years, affecting everything from my career to my love life. I have alot of work to do on myself to reverse these habits, these thought processes, to change the way I view myself, others, and life around me in general.
If there is any way you can protect your children from being raised by an alcoholic, as well as protect yourself from the pressures of being in a relationship with one, I highly recommend it. If he was in some sort of program, and really taking his recovery seriously, that would be a completely different story. But it doesn't seem like he has any intention of keeping alcohol out of his life. He has made his choice, so it's time to make yours. As far as him recovering on his own and coming back to you, if it is meant to be, it's meant to be.
I hope this gives you a different perspective on your situation. Sending lots of hugs your way :ghug3
Welcome, and we're happy you're here with us. The support and wise words here are irreplaceable in my recovery from the effects of alcoholism, and I'm sure you will find more than a few people on here that have been exactly where you are. Hugs to you and your family.
I'm going to address this from a different perspective: the perspective of your daughter and unborn child. The effects of being raised by an alcoholic are huge. And I can't think of a single effect that is a positive one. So I 'm gonna tell you about me a little bit. I wish I knew about Alateen and Alanon when I was younger, I could have started my recovery a long time ago, and perhaps I would have a successful relationship and a family of my own by now. But it's never too late to start self improvement.
My obsession with perfection, my constant need to make others happy, my inability to accept anything other than the absolute best 24/7 from myself and everyone around me (which is always leading to constant disappointment) are all side effects from being raised by an alcoholic; these are all results of how I handled the dysfunction and pressures of having him as a parent. The codependancy and low self esteem (despite the strong exterior) have hindered me for twenty something years, affecting everything from my career to my love life. I have alot of work to do on myself to reverse these habits, these thought processes, to change the way I view myself, others, and life around me in general.
If there is any way you can protect your children from being raised by an alcoholic, as well as protect yourself from the pressures of being in a relationship with one, I highly recommend it. If he was in some sort of program, and really taking his recovery seriously, that would be a completely different story. But it doesn't seem like he has any intention of keeping alcohol out of his life. He has made his choice, so it's time to make yours. As far as him recovering on his own and coming back to you, if it is meant to be, it's meant to be.
I hope this gives you a different perspective on your situation. Sending lots of hugs your way :ghug3
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