Whats wrong with ME?

Old 12-01-2009, 05:46 AM
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Whats wrong with ME?

I have issues. Serious ones. Ones that I have a hard time controlling. No, I am not an alcoholic and I don't use drugs. But I have another addiction....my exah. I guess you would say I am a dry drunk when it comes to him and any crumb he may throw my way I gobble it up and fall off the wagon.

He has been friendlier and nicer lately. Been saying how much he misses us (again) and how he wants us to see what happens with us for a future. Said he ended it with married gf.

What do I do? I fall emotionally...hard. I try really hard at first to stand my ground and not believe him because he has done this so many times before. I know he is into instant gratification. He hates being tied down and needs an ego lift...go have an affair. He misses his family....start spending time with us. Then the cycle repeats.

Thankfully nothing physical has happened but I have really liked the attention. I haven't had a drop of attention in over 1 1/2 years since he left. Its just been baby and I. My memories of the past were still around, but I thought "what if its different this time? What if he really means it?"

Nevermind that he isn't sober. My huge thing with him...besides the cheating. He may be managing it better, but he isn't sober. Is that all of a sudden ok? Wow!

I haven't snooped in a long time. I did this morning and glad I did. There were emails in the past week from married gf begging, pleading, bargaining for him to come back and need her. I felt sorry for her for a split second and then remembered she has a husband and children at home. His responses to her were he needs to take care of his family. He still cared about her, but needs to do this. She didn't take that well. I noticed he always left a crack in the door with things like "right now I need to do this...maybe down the line....I will always care about you..etc". But just 6 hours ago he wrote her telling her he was thinking about her and how shi**y things were but he wanted her to know he loves her.

He hasn't changed...he is still the cake eating awful person he was. Please don't slam me for snooping. In cases like this, it brings me back to reality. I was so stupid and so weak. I always think I am stronger when he isn't paying any attention to me, but then he talks and acts differently and I crumble.

I have an addiction too. But its not a substance. Its exah and the feeling of being loved.
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Old 12-01-2009, 06:44 AM
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Do you think your feelings for him would be different if you had a loving and attentive man in your life? Just curious.
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Old 12-01-2009, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Do you think your feelings for him would be different if you had a loving and attentive man in your life? Just curious.
Good question. I have no idea because it hasn't even come close to happening. Not many men out there interested in a 44 year old woman with a toddler. I have had a few friends try and set me up, but they seem to shy away from the baby situation. Most people my age have kids that are teens and/or leaving the nest. I know it sounds down, but its reality and I need to face that.

Exah on the other hand seems to have no problems finding tons of women.

So maybe I am super sensitive to any attention I may recieve...even if its from exah.
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Old 12-01-2009, 07:12 AM
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Girl I did this for a year and a half. My AH LIVED with his affair partner. I kept him at arms distance, really working on myself for the four months he lived with her, until he wanted to come home. I picked myself up off the kitchen floor over and over again until I finally left. You may not have to do that. Who knows?

Please, please PLEASE be kind to yourself. These are deep emotional issues and habits you're working out. AND you've got a baby! You can do whatever you want. You wanna hang out and get attention from him. You can. You've had enough and dont' want to see what happens next wtih this guy? That's your choice too. You have choices.

You can also, if you so desire, reprogram yourself to be pleasant, but distant. You don't have to discuss anything with him, but if you don't give up one thing you'll be ok no matter what. (Ok you're going to be ok no matter what even if you don't do this one thing, but it sure will help)

Keep doing your life. If you choose to snoop, get right back you YOUR LIFE. Work on releasing the obsession. You'll sort out what that mean.

No matter what, do the self care thing that you need to do as if he weren't around and had never been. Buy new shampoo. Wash the floor. Pluck your eyebrows. Get a job you love. Hang out with the people who love you best. Who really love you best. Do not sever that cord of self love.

You're in a mess for sure. I've been there, and won't judge or harsh on you. Applying the steps should really work too. He's going to do what he does, no doubt about it.

The important question is what are you going to do? How are you going to shape your life and your childs life. Just dont' get sucked into the vortex of being obsessed with him again, because he's already got that covered.

Hugs!
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Old 12-01-2009, 07:16 AM
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A toddler, at my age. Let me go rest a bit and I'll get back to you

LOL.

It'll happen, just hang in there. You don't need the dregs some alcoholically insane man occasionally hands out, you deserve more and so does that baby.
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Old 12-01-2009, 07:22 AM
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Oh and this:
Not many men out there interested in a 44 year old woman with a toddler.
is just self limiting talk. You are beautiful and strong and any man would be lucky to be a part of your life. Say it....
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Old 12-01-2009, 08:11 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Oh and this:


is just self limiting talk. You are beautiful and strong and any man would be lucky to be a part of your life. Say it....
I have been saying it, but have had quite a few men not like the situation before anything even starts so it does wear on you. Most people look at me like I am crazy, almost with pity. Like my life is over now. Sad really. She is a wonderful baby and I am so blessed. My personal life may not happen and that does make me really sad, but I wouldn't trade her for the world.
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Old 12-01-2009, 08:57 AM
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Do you attend Al-Anon?

Just as the alcoholic needs to have a program of recovery that provides a daily reprieve from the disease, the loved one/spouse/co-dependent needs a program of recovery that reinforces the positive choices they have made in their lives.

It also helps keep us in the present, deal with the past, and move forward to the future.

You deserve someone who will love you and be the partner you deserve in your life. He is out there...and will appear, when it is time, and you are ready.

Peace.
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:10 AM
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I have been saying it, but have had quite a few men not like the situation before anything even starts so it does wear on you. Most people look at me like I am crazy, almost with pity. Like my life is over now.
Hmmm. Well I say you wear mini-skirts and big hats and laugh as much as possible. Love your life, love who you are and people will be flocking to you, asking you how they can get to that same place.

I know what I"m talking about. I: gave birth to all my kids at home, didn't circumcise any of my three boys, work for cops who want to legalize and regulate all illegal drugs, teach my kids that Columbus was a murdering criminal and publish articles about white collar crime and corruption. People do more than look at me like I am crazy. They tell me I am. I get hate mail. HATE MAIL.

But I own who I am and believe in what I do.

And I bet you can too. The world, and your life, is so much bigger than these issues with your A and his little tart. You can have a full, exciting, wonderful life without him or with him.

You have a child who is just learning about the world. My kids are 24, 11 and 8 and if I had the ability to go back in time, I would throw every moment of every day into loving, nurturing and teaching them in every way that they are loved. Especially when they're little like that. Before you know it, they're gone.

The hand prints get higher and higher on the wall until they disappear completely.

end of lecture..
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:17 AM
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I just had to send exah a text that I have been dreading sending. He hasn't paid his child support for November. I waited and was patient hoping he didn't blow it off. Guess he did. The other day he told me he had to pay his other daughters cel phone bills and orthodontics bill. If he can do that he can pay child support for this child.

My text said "Hi. When can you get me the cs for November? Thanks."

I am sure the backlash will happen. Makes me sick to my stomach.

This lack of payment may also be the reason he has been so nice lately. Time to get my backbone back!
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:20 AM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Hmmm. Well I say you wear mini-skirts and big hats and laugh as much as possible. Love your life, love who you are and people will be flocking to you, asking you how they can get to that same place.

I know what I"m talking about. I: gave birth to all my kids at home, didn't circumcise any of my three boys, work for cops who want to legalize and regulate all illegal drugs, teach my kids that Columbus was a murdering criminal and publish articles about white collar crime and corruption. People do more than look at me like I am crazy. They tell me I am. I get hate mail. HATE MAIL.

But I own who I am and believe in what I do.

And I bet you can too. The world, and your life, is so much bigger than these issues with your A and his little tart. You can have a full, exciting, wonderful life without him or with him.

You have a child who is just learning about the world. My kids are 24, 11 and 8 and if I had the ability to go back in time, I would throw every moment of every day into loving, nurturing and teaching them in every way that they are loved. Especially when they're little like that. Before you know it, they're gone.

The hand prints get higher and higher on the wall until they disappear completely.

end of lecture..
You are right. I also have 3 other kids (20, 18, 16) that need a healthy mom. They can pick it up really fast when mom is down.
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:23 AM
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Sorry you are having a hard time. My dh is nicer then ever too and is constantly telling me I am throwing away my kids and he can't believe I don't want to spend family time?? Well, we had 11 years to create family time and you were in the basement passed out or out with your buddies drinking. I am spending family time the same way I always have - with my kids. Sorry if you suddenly want to be included now that we are 2 steps away from divorce!

I have zero desire for a relationship right now so I'm not thinking about it but don't worry - I'm 40yo with 2 toddlers and two grade schoolers so you aren't the only one in that boat!
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Old 12-01-2009, 09:24 AM
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The best thing I ever did for myself was counseling. I didn't want to. I hated the idea that I couldn't do it by myself. I hated the idea that I needed help. I'm so glad I swallowed my pride and reached out. My life has been completely different (better) since I did.

L
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:14 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
The best thing I ever did for myself was counseling. I didn't want to. I hated the idea that I couldn't do it by myself. I hated the idea that I needed help. I'm so glad I swallowed my pride and reached out. My life has been completely different (better) since I did.

L
Oh I wish I could do counseling. I loved it when I could go before.

I just can't afford it. I am already living nearly in the red, I don't have good insurance and won't cover it.
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:36 AM
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Do you have EAP at work? That's how I got counseling in the beginning. What about Alanon?

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Old 12-01-2009, 10:40 AM
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Another thought, there are many religious based counseling places that will do it on a sliding fee scale, and the counseling is not all about religion.

My daughter goes, and it is based on her income - which is not alot!!!
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:43 AM
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Call your county Health Department and ask them for referrals to "Sliding Fee Counseling Services". Once you check them out and do the paperwork you may end up paying nothing or practically nothing.

One thing that I learned from my own counseling was that no matter what it was I thought I 'needed', loving attention, kind words, whatever, that I better take a REAL CLOSE LOOK at the price I was going to pay for it. Somehow, when I started to do that, I didn't 'need' so much the 'attention' etc from the toxic people in my life.

Do they have 'story hour' at your local library and is your little one old enough for you to take her? Great way to meet some new folks and expand your 'adult' relationships in general.

With anyone in my life who has been 'toxic' to me in the past I always compare their current behavior to their previous behaviors to see what they are 'attempting' to do now, and guess what, one more time it is usually MANIPULATION to make them MORE COMFORTABLE. That kind of attention I do not need or want today.

Keep posting, we are here for you and we are walking with you in spirit.

Love and hugs,
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:09 AM
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Are these guys not interested because of your daughter or is it they can feel you are not over your XAH? Seems you are still allowing him to manipulate you even after all this time. Your heart has not healed. Do not let him back in your life. Get counselling and learn to love you. You are so much more and the perfect man will see that. Love thy self, be true.
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:12 AM
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You are right. I also have 3 other kids (20, 18, 16)
Whoa! You're amazing! You rock!
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Trying2BeMe View Post
Are these guys not interested because of your daughter or is it they can feel you are not over your XAH? Seems you are still allowing him to manipulate you even after all this time. Your heart has not healed. Do not let him back in your life. Get counselling and learn to love you. You are so much more and the perfect man will see that. Love thy self, be true.

From what I understand the usual line is they already have gone down the small child road and their kids are almost grown and gone if not gone already. They don't want to take on another child or have a woman that is so tied down with one. Plus the fact that I will have her 24/7 unless exah gets it together. No free time.
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