I was so stupid.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
I was so stupid.....
I'm so glad to find to this page and to read all your stories, which I self can relate to and that is so familiar to me, and finnally be able to be sharing my story, which I share probally with all of you!!And after reading this post,(threads), i say to myself, that I thought I was so unique and that 'my case' is so different from anyothers!! and that "my alcoholic" is and was so different and unique, and he wasn't like anyone else. What a big lie. And I was so naive to belive something else, than what it actually was.(the truth).
Anyway, I'm living with my guy who's an sober alcoholic (for the moment), we've been together for almost one year. In the beginning he was the greatest guy I've ever met, did everything for me, aswell as things that I gave up and did for him, he always returned the favour, did nice and cute things for me too, and so on. and ofcourse I fell for it: I fell so hard and deep..madly in love with this wonderful guy. I thought. Not being able to seen that now afterwards it all looks like manipulation to me. and maybe all that wasn't the "true him", because if it was, why did he change?
Anyway, the real problems starts since maybe a month ago. he ended up in rehab for the second time, and his recovery to sobriety started. that's when the real recovery and hard work started....in the relationship.
we hadn't slept for months, In the beginning I thought is all about me(since we had communication problems) and due to him "it was all in my head" and that I should see someone proffessional since I'm depressed , etc. Sure it took so hard on my self esteem not being able to receive the love and closeness from the person I love. And i was able to give, but I didn't receive. He made me belive it was all about me, me, me. before he use to blame everything on me to; it was always about me, never about him.
And I start to belive that there was something wrong with ME, since he doesn't want to sleep with me. I could in the beginning make excuses for myself that "he 's tired, that's how he is, he works a lot etc. etc. he' has serious emotional problems, problems with intimicity and so on"(but why now if it worked so well before and we who use to be so close??)) but that only worked for a while, and then I crashed. Stayed up every night, couldn't sleep woke up in the middle of the night since he never returned the "love" I gave him.. Sure I had a need of intimicity.and our relationship had a lack of it.
Finnally he open himself up. And I realize its not about me.he always made me belive it was about me; something wrong with me, that I WAS mental, I was depressed, I was "an black hole", I had COMMUNICATION problems while I was the only one speaking up for what was wrong.somehow he even made me belive I WAS S I C K,(needing "fixing the head" since the problems was there:not in our relationship,and that everyone things was all about me,never any 'realtionship problems' ore never him who cause any problems).since it was all about me.and i can't belive anymore how i let myself go through all this.Call it manipulation ore whatever, but I'm so glad to realize its not about me anymore.
and its not about him anymore.and its not about me.its about the 'disease' we are living with.
but Living with him is like living with and Mr Jack and Jekyll.a big
an emtional up and down ride, and I always though and was so naive to belive that "my alcoholic" would ave been so different from others, and that my "case" was so unique, but he and they are all exactly the same. and you're naive to belive if you belive anything else. I was too, so blind, for so long..but im glad I've woken up and started MY journey to recovery now, now I see so clearly all the "manipulations " from his side ( calling me "mental" in front of other people so I would nt look "trustworthy" because then if I would ever mention how sick he was, who would listen to me??") and that he always went to the same store, not being able to come with me to another store, just making company if we went to THAT store;and i thought i was because him being lazy ore anything: but it was because it was the only place were they sell "the special brand of liquor") everything is so clear to me now. all the motives and manipulations. and im so glad to realize that and he can't n hopefully wont press me down anymore.
I've started to work on myself now, MY journey to recovery, and going to alanon meetings. and I'm glad i've found a place for me; people who share exactly the same experiences (and I always thought I was unique!!!!!!!!!!).
but I'm still confused about the daily steps and if you are and how are you suppose to work with them on daily basis??
There's still so much that has to 'clear up' in my mind.but im working on it.hopefully we can still find back to eachother and get an healthy and true relationship.althought that there's many scarfs that needs to heal.but i do belive you 'grow ' through true love and we may find our way back to eachother.
because when the "good is there" and things start to work naturally, it all falls in place....and we are like "one".
my journey has just started and maybe I'm still naive to belive that an "abusive relationship" would be an 'healthy/good relationship'.but it can be through change:an abusive relationship CAN change to the better and vice versa.and become an healthy relationship(and an healthy relationship can make u easier to 'break through it' and go two separate ways.in any which way, it makes things a much more easier.whatever u choose to do).but with a lot of work, effort, emotional pain and so on. depends on the PEOPLE involved and if they are willing to change.not easy, but maybe it will work.we'll see.
but now i guess we can work on it, together ore separetly, (he through aa and i through alanon) and maybe we somehow can find peace in our souls.:praying in one way ore another.
no matter what happends: happends. you just have to belive, but without being naive.
//*one experience wiser*
Anyway, I'm living with my guy who's an sober alcoholic (for the moment), we've been together for almost one year. In the beginning he was the greatest guy I've ever met, did everything for me, aswell as things that I gave up and did for him, he always returned the favour, did nice and cute things for me too, and so on. and ofcourse I fell for it: I fell so hard and deep..madly in love with this wonderful guy. I thought. Not being able to seen that now afterwards it all looks like manipulation to me. and maybe all that wasn't the "true him", because if it was, why did he change?
Anyway, the real problems starts since maybe a month ago. he ended up in rehab for the second time, and his recovery to sobriety started. that's when the real recovery and hard work started....in the relationship.
we hadn't slept for months, In the beginning I thought is all about me(since we had communication problems) and due to him "it was all in my head" and that I should see someone proffessional since I'm depressed , etc. Sure it took so hard on my self esteem not being able to receive the love and closeness from the person I love. And i was able to give, but I didn't receive. He made me belive it was all about me, me, me. before he use to blame everything on me to; it was always about me, never about him.
And I start to belive that there was something wrong with ME, since he doesn't want to sleep with me. I could in the beginning make excuses for myself that "he 's tired, that's how he is, he works a lot etc. etc. he' has serious emotional problems, problems with intimicity and so on"(but why now if it worked so well before and we who use to be so close??)) but that only worked for a while, and then I crashed. Stayed up every night, couldn't sleep woke up in the middle of the night since he never returned the "love" I gave him.. Sure I had a need of intimicity.and our relationship had a lack of it.
Finnally he open himself up. And I realize its not about me.he always made me belive it was about me; something wrong with me, that I WAS mental, I was depressed, I was "an black hole", I had COMMUNICATION problems while I was the only one speaking up for what was wrong.somehow he even made me belive I WAS S I C K,(needing "fixing the head" since the problems was there:not in our relationship,and that everyone things was all about me,never any 'realtionship problems' ore never him who cause any problems).since it was all about me.and i can't belive anymore how i let myself go through all this.Call it manipulation ore whatever, but I'm so glad to realize its not about me anymore.
and its not about him anymore.and its not about me.its about the 'disease' we are living with.
but Living with him is like living with and Mr Jack and Jekyll.a big
an emtional up and down ride, and I always though and was so naive to belive that "my alcoholic" would ave been so different from others, and that my "case" was so unique, but he and they are all exactly the same. and you're naive to belive if you belive anything else. I was too, so blind, for so long..but im glad I've woken up and started MY journey to recovery now, now I see so clearly all the "manipulations " from his side ( calling me "mental" in front of other people so I would nt look "trustworthy" because then if I would ever mention how sick he was, who would listen to me??") and that he always went to the same store, not being able to come with me to another store, just making company if we went to THAT store;and i thought i was because him being lazy ore anything: but it was because it was the only place were they sell "the special brand of liquor") everything is so clear to me now. all the motives and manipulations. and im so glad to realize that and he can't n hopefully wont press me down anymore.
I've started to work on myself now, MY journey to recovery, and going to alanon meetings. and I'm glad i've found a place for me; people who share exactly the same experiences (and I always thought I was unique!!!!!!!!!!).
but I'm still confused about the daily steps and if you are and how are you suppose to work with them on daily basis??
There's still so much that has to 'clear up' in my mind.but im working on it.hopefully we can still find back to eachother and get an healthy and true relationship.althought that there's many scarfs that needs to heal.but i do belive you 'grow ' through true love and we may find our way back to eachother.
because when the "good is there" and things start to work naturally, it all falls in place....and we are like "one".
my journey has just started and maybe I'm still naive to belive that an "abusive relationship" would be an 'healthy/good relationship'.but it can be through change:an abusive relationship CAN change to the better and vice versa.and become an healthy relationship(and an healthy relationship can make u easier to 'break through it' and go two separate ways.in any which way, it makes things a much more easier.whatever u choose to do).but with a lot of work, effort, emotional pain and so on. depends on the PEOPLE involved and if they are willing to change.not easy, but maybe it will work.we'll see.
but now i guess we can work on it, together ore separetly, (he through aa and i through alanon) and maybe we somehow can find peace in our souls.:praying in one way ore another.
no matter what happends: happends. you just have to belive, but without being naive.
//*one experience wiser*
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Alanon is a wonderful resource for face to face support. SR is a wonderful resource for information and wisdom.
You had a question about the steps and Alanon. There are 12 steps and each individual works them at their own pace. It is helpful to ask someone with more experience in your group to sponsor you and assist you as you work the steps. Some people in my group like to read the first three steps every day. It helps them keep perspective as they prepare for another day.
At the top of this forum, there are some permanent threads called sticky posts. One is about working the 12 steps, one is Classic Reading, and others and I recommend you take a look around up there and you will learn a alcoholism and living with an addict.
Make yourself at home and read and post as often as needed.
Thank you for sharing your story with us. Alanon is a wonderful resource for face to face support. SR is a wonderful resource for information and wisdom.
You had a question about the steps and Alanon. There are 12 steps and each individual works them at their own pace. It is helpful to ask someone with more experience in your group to sponsor you and assist you as you work the steps. Some people in my group like to read the first three steps every day. It helps them keep perspective as they prepare for another day.
At the top of this forum, there are some permanent threads called sticky posts. One is about working the 12 steps, one is Classic Reading, and others and I recommend you take a look around up there and you will learn a alcoholism and living with an addict.
Make yourself at home and read and post as often as needed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi there and welcome to SR!
I'm so glad you found this place and its wonderful people! The support I have received from the people here is without a doubt what helped me find my way towards some kind of recovery.
Just wanted to say that I too felt like my XAH was unique; I suspected he was a special kind of crazy, what with all the stories he told me, but nope, turns out he's not that unique at all! It was such a relief to know that there's even a name for the kind of psychosis he suffers from, and it was also a relief to give myself permission to want to leave him and save myself from his madness.
Keep reading and posting all you want!
I'm so glad you found this place and its wonderful people! The support I have received from the people here is without a doubt what helped me find my way towards some kind of recovery.
Just wanted to say that I too felt like my XAH was unique; I suspected he was a special kind of crazy, what with all the stories he told me, but nope, turns out he's not that unique at all! It was such a relief to know that there's even a name for the kind of psychosis he suffers from, and it was also a relief to give myself permission to want to leave him and save myself from his madness.
Keep reading and posting all you want!
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