I'm sitting in his ashtray

Old 12-01-2009, 01:17 AM
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I'm sitting in his ashtray

So,
I got away to think about things. Left my AH at home. Spent 2 weeks away. He canceled on Thanksgiving, so that gave me an extra week.
He is away on a trip, so I'm in the house alone for another week.
I got my head much straighter. Figured out a lot of my feelings. Worked on self-defining/differentiating. (a work in progress, needless to say...)

I can't control/fix/change him. I deserve a relationship where my partner is real, not trying to be what I want by hiding or lying. All I can do is make choices for myself. I won't have kids in a relationship where my partner can't be real and I don't trust. My trust can only be built by time and his openness, which he has the right to freely give or withhold, as he chooses. I have the right to declare the relationship a no go if I do not get my needs met.

But I come home to our bedroom smelling like an ashtray and I am mad all over again. I know its foolish to be mad because he gets to do whatever he wants. Just because I said I was not interested in dating a smoker a way back when doesn't mean anything. Nor that he swore he was done - that doesn't mean anything either. I just predict if I say ANYTHING he'll deny. And I'm sure he didn't smoke in here, but his skin carried it in. His hair. His clothes. I don't want to set him up to lie, but I already made it clear that is a personal dealbreaker.

I have been working on boundaries. I spent a long time worrying that my boundaries were unreasonable. I have decided that I can have any boundary I please, reasonable or not. I just have to be willing to deal with the consequences of it if it is unreasonable to him. And smoking is a no go for me - especially if it is going to leave my room smelling like YUCK!

I'm not surprised. He said he'd stop drinking for me (red flag! red flag!), so its back to the smoking (which he also said he'd quit for me - as well as that worked). (not my problem. didn't cause it. can't control it. AHHH! okay okay.)

so, I guess I am glad I have one more week to cool off. I am so easily triggered! So easily angered. I jump to him him him so fast. I need more time to figure out me.

Hugs to all of you. Happy belated Thanksgiving. I missed you.
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:44 AM
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One word: Febreeze!

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:49 AM
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I'd add: change the locks on the door
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Old 12-01-2009, 08:48 AM
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Been wondering how you were doing...hate to hear about the smoking. Blah. Hope your break was enjoyable, however.
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:20 AM
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yah. it was nice to be with friends. I went to some alanons. I got some advice from a woman who has done an inpatient codependent rehab (how cool is that?) then attended outpatient support group meetings. She said trying to rehab myself in this tiny town with no meetings and no friends is nigh impossible. <sigh>

To add insult to injury, my car died on the way home from vacation. It is in the shop in town (I was close to home when it happened), but with no money and an ancient car...I could be more isolated if it can't be fixed on the cheap. No money for a new car payment. We'll see how that goes.

So, we got these little bottles of flavored rum on our recent vacation...a few of those are missing. So if I wanted clear evidence he's not done drinking, I have it. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. I was still hoping he would magically change (even though I knew it was bunk). And yet I still have a voice that whispers, "You don't really know; it may not be that bad..." Those old habits are hard to break, huh??

It's so serious. His addictions. I am reeling from how real and serious this all is. How its not a dress rehearsal. How I can't fix it by talking it over. How harsh it is to stand up for yourself.

I have been working on feelings.

I'm furious at him for being an alcoholic and mad at myself for not seeing it before.
I'm furious at myself for not paying attention earlier!
I'm furious at him for making the bedroom smell like YUCK.
I'm furious at him for not acknowledging.
I'm furious at him for denying.
I'm furious at him for taking away the goodness with all of this junk.
I'm pissed that expressing my anger to him will change nothing and might exacerbate things! I'm angry he's not sorry.
I'm angry he says there is no problem.
I'm sad its not going to be a fairytale.
I'm sad I can't help or fix him.
I'm sad to let go of any of it.
I'm disappointed at his behavior.
I'm frightened of the future. Of hurting his feelings. Of losing. Of change. Of the work to extract myself if I choose to.
I'm angry at my own no kids choice because its a sucky consequence. I'm mad that even if I were to leave I might not get the life I dreamed of. That I am in the unknown. That I can't control any of it.
I'm angry that I have spent these years with him just to have him blow it like this.
I'm hurt that he can't be real with me.
I'm hurt that he would push me away.
I'm hurt that he isn't honest.
I'm disappointed that he could lie like that - that he's not so perfect.
I'm annoyed that he has been mad AT ME these last weeks - for not communicating with him, for hurting him. For not calling HIM on MY birthday! What a load of crap.
I'm mad that he's messing with my great life I had with him. Dang it!!
I'm mad at him for taking away the love of my life (fantasy) and replacing it with this discomfort.
I'm sad for him to do this to himself and me.
I'm happy I am connecting with my feelings.
I'm happy I am learning who I am and what I want - minimum standards.
I'm happy I am growing and am brave.
I'm happy I am being real.
I'm still surprised my life is where it is.
I'm uncomfortable when looking at my own junk, but happy I am doing it.
I hate this.
I don't want this husband. I want the one I thought I had. (I'd even take the one that admits there is a problem, but I don't get that one either.)
It's so hard to take life AS IS.
I appreciate the growth of this.
Ugh.
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Old 12-01-2009, 10:38 AM
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That is a great list! Kudos to you for putting it all down on paper (sort of) and getting it out of your head and your heart so you can move on!
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:01 AM
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Sorry if y'all smoke. I don't mean to offend. It's just not for me.
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Old 12-01-2009, 11:14 AM
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Originally Posted by wifeofadrinker View Post
Sorry if y'all smoke. I don't mean to offend. It's just not for me.

Ha! Well, I totally smoke outside and I think that you are justified in thinking stinking up your bedroom is a pretty hostile act. This smoker says: gross!

You're doing really great with all of this, btw. I'm impressed!
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Old 12-01-2009, 01:02 PM
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Your list is awesome.

I hope you realize you have come such a long way from your original post. You are making great strides.

It isn't easy and it does suck but there is happiness out there and you/we/I just got to keep working your/our/my way toward it. THAT you/we/I do have control over.
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Old 12-01-2009, 01:16 PM
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Suck suck and double suck.
It sure doesn't FEEL like I am striding anywhere.
It is really ridiculous to have such a problem accepting reality. It's just reality. Why can't I just TAKE it??
I feel so strongly that if I accept reality as is, then I am condoning it!! Like I have power over the universe - not! Like I am doing right by denying reality if its bad. Badness can't exist. (I know. Bad is a judgement. But it sure FEELS bad!!)
This is so. This is so. This is so.
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Old 12-01-2009, 01:32 PM
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wife-- you sound like you are doing some good thinking.

I am coming to realize too that I feel like with the right dose of love/guidance/care/support anyone and everyone is inherently good and will be a wonderful person.

I don't know where the **** I got this idea, but it really stinks because it means that I keep involving myself with people who aren't necessarily all bad but aren't necessarily good enough for me, or give me what I need or deserve in the relationship. In AH's case, I guess I just kept thinking, well we'll get out of this situation and then he'll be different. He would affirm those thoughts, so I guess we both played a hand.

It's hard for me to accept reality that no matter what he looks like, what he says, or what I want to believe, he has done some awful things to me. Whether or not it's completely his fault based on things he's been through is not a matter for me to take into full account. I too and many others have been through things that affect us to this day. The issue would be accountability. At least with that there's hope for change, but when they deny deny deny and lie lie lie, they aren't able to take responsibility and aren't interested in changing.

I guess this is where acceptance comes in, and where I am now. My AH decided to walk around our house smoking an entire cigarette just to make me angry (I'm a nonsmoker and HATE the smell myself, he always promised he'd quit.. at age 25, when we got a new apartment, next year, when we moved countries, when the stress of a new job was done, when he turns 30, when kids are on the way, etc..) And I had to open all windows and air out the place. It's just petty. He said I was provoking, and all I was doing was leaving my phone on record so he'd stop fighting with/insulting/provoking me and let me watch tv in peace.

Whether or not our A's are "bad" isn't really something that concerns me.. I still feel like AH has good parts.. but he also has parts that aren't acceptable to me in my life, and it's giving up on the good stuff and the dreams and hopes that hurts the most. Though he's really crossed some deal breakers, and in order to maintain respect for myself I have to keep moving on. Good luck to you too!
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Old 12-01-2009, 01:43 PM
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I know its foolish to be mad because he gets to do whatever he wants.

I read this in your opening post and thought "Damn, he gets to do as he pleases, but what does she get?"

You know he can't control you either, he can't cure you, and he didn't cause your reactions to his addictions. You are free to leave without explanation or justification. You are free to kick him out on his butt without either as well. You can do what you like because you don't like what you've ended up with. Oh sure, there are logistics involved like who's house it is, who makes the income, or who's on the lease. That's all symantics. You can end this if you choose. He is choosing to smoke and drink and you hate both sooo... Want to do something about it? Want a life without this crap?

...and how convenient that he funks up the house and leaves it for you to live in while he's gone for a week. Oh, you'll be cooled off by the time he comes home. He's probably hoping for that.

Send him back like cold soup at a deli. This is obviously not working for you.

Alice
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Old 12-01-2009, 01:53 PM
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"I know its foolish to be mad because he gets to do whatever he wants."

No he doesnt - he is being controlled by his addictions. You are free of those
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Old 12-01-2009, 02:35 PM
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aww shucks. You all are great.

All the mad and sad aside, the love for him is still there. I don't want to send him back to the deli, but the soup is cold right now.
I may be in denial-landia, but I am going to give MYSELF a some time and observe myself and his behavior.
Remember, I have my 10 day meditation coming up in Dec, so we will only see each other one day before Christmas. No biggie.
In January, I will use my time with him to do more self evaluation and observation and make some back up plans, just in case.
I feel kinda lucky, in a twisted way, to be jobless and having my buttons pushed like this and be able to read and journal and meditate and talk to y'all and grow.
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Old 12-01-2009, 04:41 PM
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Lordy, I wouldn't trade my mess for my AH's any day. Never.

Addiction is hell.
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