...so I can sleep at night.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
...so I can sleep at night.
I've been feeling very conflicted over the last couple of days. It's probably partially because I haven't heard from my ex-ahbf. I guess that's usually pretty normal, you know, when you break up with your boyfriend a year ago, and you're "just friends," they're not really tied to you the way they were before; it's never going to be how it 'used to be.' I get all that. I've been thinking about how I've done wrong in this whole deal. Here's some things I'm fighting with in my own mind.
1. It bothers me that I actually tried to converse with him and treat our relationship as if it's "normal." He'd be drunk every night, provoke an argument, and I'd just walk right into it every. single. time. And then I'd take what he'd say to heart, and be crying and upset and feeling like I was going crazy - I knew he was drunk. I knew he'd likely not remember 90% of what he said the next day. Who was it that said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result each time? Bring out the straight jackets folks, because I need a padded room, if that's the case. :P
2. It bothers me that in the last conversation we had, HE told *me* what I'm just now figuring out. He pretty much was willing to cut off our entire relationship and just never speak again, about six months ago. Why? He told me, "We just don't get along, simple as that. We're toxic, I'm toxic." This is infuriating to me. The only reason we argue the way we do, is because he decides to get trashed and act like a d-bag. When he's sober, we don't fight. I remember how things used to be, before the problem became so prevalent. We thought we were perfect for each other. The reason we fought so much is because his drinking made me *crazy*. It brought out the worst in me. All I did was sit around and question *everything*. If he said something sweet, does he really mean it? Is he even going to remember it? If he said something jerky, is he going to remember it? Is this how he really feels? Where are we going, realistically?
3. The last time we spoke was about three weeks ago. He was being a jerk, and was drunk (the drunk part's a nightly occurrence) and just said things that were rude. He basically went off about how he's just of no use to me in any way than a casual friend, and that "I don't need his problems," when I asked him if he still had feelings for me. I just missed him, I guess, and I believe that his feelings for me aren't just dead and gone. I think he was doing me a favour, because he was tired of hurting me over and over and over again, and he knew he wasn't ready to stop.
I guess I sit here and look back on our relationship and a part of me wants to say I'm sorry. Y'know? I'm sorry for not understanding his disease. I'm sorry for making things more difficult for him, when he's already ashamed and embarrassed and have to be reminded of the BS the disease brings every single day, on the emotional toll home front. I'd sit there and argue with him, I'd be upset and make snarky comments, I'd always look at him as the alcoholic, after awhile. I did something really terrible, and when I actually saw him in person (we were long distance) back in July, I got drunk with him. Pretty awesome, eh? I guess in my head, I figured he was going to drink anyway, I was on vacation, and hey, what's it like to be numb all the time? What's the great escape like? I guess a part of me wanted to numb the hurt I was seeing that he was causing himself, us, etc. It just never used to be this way, and I missed him greatly.
I'm not totally bashing myself here; I didn't know enough about the disease and my intentions were good. I just wanted to make him better, or help him realize it. (I know that's not possible now.) I fought with him so much because his disease made me crazy. I was obsessed with is problem because it made him a man I didn't even want to know, I just wanted the man I fell in love with, back, and I wanted to fight for that. I'm cutting myself slack here. But I fear that even on a friendship level, all that drama has just destroyed us, in every sense of the word. Realizing the things I do now, and learning about the disease, hearing people's experiences, talking with you makes me see his issues in a new light, and my own, as well. It's definitely made me see things I need to work on, personally.
I've tossed around the idea of writing him an e-mail and telling him some of these things. Tossing it to his work account, so I know he'd read it when he's sober. What do you think? I'm very much a make amends kind of person, and I hate that every time we talk, he's drunk. I don't want to ... just go by the wayside, like that, I guess. I want honest feelings to be thrown out there, and after I say what I need to say, he can do whatever he wants. I'm not trying to get back together with him or anything like that, I just feel like we've been down this ridiculous road, and we got lost. We had a lot more, on every level, than to just have it be thrown out due to misunderstandings or ignorance, I guess. I don't know if that makes sense. I had decided to keep my distance as long as he chose to drink, I didn't want to talk to him. I don't want that drama in my life. But I feel like there's things *I* need to say, that I've learned, for my own benefit. Has anyone else been there?
1. It bothers me that I actually tried to converse with him and treat our relationship as if it's "normal." He'd be drunk every night, provoke an argument, and I'd just walk right into it every. single. time. And then I'd take what he'd say to heart, and be crying and upset and feeling like I was going crazy - I knew he was drunk. I knew he'd likely not remember 90% of what he said the next day. Who was it that said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again, expecting a different result each time? Bring out the straight jackets folks, because I need a padded room, if that's the case. :P
2. It bothers me that in the last conversation we had, HE told *me* what I'm just now figuring out. He pretty much was willing to cut off our entire relationship and just never speak again, about six months ago. Why? He told me, "We just don't get along, simple as that. We're toxic, I'm toxic." This is infuriating to me. The only reason we argue the way we do, is because he decides to get trashed and act like a d-bag. When he's sober, we don't fight. I remember how things used to be, before the problem became so prevalent. We thought we were perfect for each other. The reason we fought so much is because his drinking made me *crazy*. It brought out the worst in me. All I did was sit around and question *everything*. If he said something sweet, does he really mean it? Is he even going to remember it? If he said something jerky, is he going to remember it? Is this how he really feels? Where are we going, realistically?
3. The last time we spoke was about three weeks ago. He was being a jerk, and was drunk (the drunk part's a nightly occurrence) and just said things that were rude. He basically went off about how he's just of no use to me in any way than a casual friend, and that "I don't need his problems," when I asked him if he still had feelings for me. I just missed him, I guess, and I believe that his feelings for me aren't just dead and gone. I think he was doing me a favour, because he was tired of hurting me over and over and over again, and he knew he wasn't ready to stop.
I guess I sit here and look back on our relationship and a part of me wants to say I'm sorry. Y'know? I'm sorry for not understanding his disease. I'm sorry for making things more difficult for him, when he's already ashamed and embarrassed and have to be reminded of the BS the disease brings every single day, on the emotional toll home front. I'd sit there and argue with him, I'd be upset and make snarky comments, I'd always look at him as the alcoholic, after awhile. I did something really terrible, and when I actually saw him in person (we were long distance) back in July, I got drunk with him. Pretty awesome, eh? I guess in my head, I figured he was going to drink anyway, I was on vacation, and hey, what's it like to be numb all the time? What's the great escape like? I guess a part of me wanted to numb the hurt I was seeing that he was causing himself, us, etc. It just never used to be this way, and I missed him greatly.
I'm not totally bashing myself here; I didn't know enough about the disease and my intentions were good. I just wanted to make him better, or help him realize it. (I know that's not possible now.) I fought with him so much because his disease made me crazy. I was obsessed with is problem because it made him a man I didn't even want to know, I just wanted the man I fell in love with, back, and I wanted to fight for that. I'm cutting myself slack here. But I fear that even on a friendship level, all that drama has just destroyed us, in every sense of the word. Realizing the things I do now, and learning about the disease, hearing people's experiences, talking with you makes me see his issues in a new light, and my own, as well. It's definitely made me see things I need to work on, personally.
I've tossed around the idea of writing him an e-mail and telling him some of these things. Tossing it to his work account, so I know he'd read it when he's sober. What do you think? I'm very much a make amends kind of person, and I hate that every time we talk, he's drunk. I don't want to ... just go by the wayside, like that, I guess. I want honest feelings to be thrown out there, and after I say what I need to say, he can do whatever he wants. I'm not trying to get back together with him or anything like that, I just feel like we've been down this ridiculous road, and we got lost. We had a lot more, on every level, than to just have it be thrown out due to misunderstandings or ignorance, I guess. I don't know if that makes sense. I had decided to keep my distance as long as he chose to drink, I didn't want to talk to him. I don't want that drama in my life. But I feel like there's things *I* need to say, that I've learned, for my own benefit. Has anyone else been there?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 52
While reading your post, I saw myself a few months ago. I think at this point, you really do need to start focusing on YOU. Maybe you have heard this a thousand times...but it is the truth. It was really hard for me to accept a lot of things about my ex, stop blaming people, and think about what I could do for myself. How I can be happy with me. How I can focus on things I love, need, and want. How I can walk away from someone with an addiction, --and as painful as it is to see them throwing their life away-- be at peace and know that I did all I could and now its time for them to work it out for themselves.
I would suggest writing the letter, but not sending it now. I realized at some point there was just nothing left to say. I had said it all, a million times, and it fell on deaf ears. My ex is so lost in his addiction and mental illness now that no one can reach him. I sure have a ton of things I could still say to him, but would it benefit me? Most likely not. I would just result in another blow out argument or more drama than I need in my life.
I'm just throwing some things out there for you to consider. I know its really hard to walk away, let it go, and move on. Its a process. One that I am new at myself, but I find it better to have no contact with my ex than deal with the emotional roller coaster of our relationship.
I would suggest writing the letter, but not sending it now. I realized at some point there was just nothing left to say. I had said it all, a million times, and it fell on deaf ears. My ex is so lost in his addiction and mental illness now that no one can reach him. I sure have a ton of things I could still say to him, but would it benefit me? Most likely not. I would just result in another blow out argument or more drama than I need in my life.
I'm just throwing some things out there for you to consider. I know its really hard to walk away, let it go, and move on. Its a process. One that I am new at myself, but I find it better to have no contact with my ex than deal with the emotional roller coaster of our relationship.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hi Grrrl, 
Yes, been there, done that, won't do it again.
I have struggled with much of what you are saying in my own life.....analyzing everything, caring so much about someone I forgot completely about myself.
It sounds as if your relationship, and now non relationship with him weighs so heavily on your heart. You're not quite ready to sever your relationship completely; you want to "fix" it....
but have you ever thought to yourself, this is not for you to "fix"?
And I would ask you, if you were to say those things that you want to say, what kind of response do you want back?
Are you REALLY doing it for your own closure, or is there something deeper that you want him to say?
Honestly, I think if you say those things, you are opening yourself up to a world of more pain.
He chose is own path. And it is toxic for himself and anyone that comes in contact with him.
I think it may be healthy to write out what you want to say, then lock it in a box. Journaling and writing is healthy and it can often release pent up feelings. I have done that a lot.
You are still putting so much energy into this person, who isn't very nice to you, the way it sounds. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with when you care about someone so deeply. So ask yourself, why do you feel the need to try to keep communicating with him?? No matter how much 2 people have been through together, how much history they have, when one person starts to disrespect the other, that relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
I went no contact over a month ago because I HAD TO. I fooled myself into thinking that I could be friends with this person I cared for so much, who had been so hurtful to me, lied to me, used me, someone who I told my deepest hurts too, someone I considered my best friend.
I can't be friends with him. One because he doesn't deserve my friendship anymore. And two, because now I have been able to focus on ME, and REALLY start to analyze why I do the things I do, what I want to change, and how to change it.
I have started counseling as well.
You did not make things more difficult for him, he is an adult. His first choice is the bottle, period. Make your first choice YOU. I have spent most of my life fighting for people who seem to be able to take me or leave me. I'm tired of that! You don't deserve this. Friendship, relationships are not one sided, they are created by the equal effort that both people put into it.
I am a make amends kind of person too.....but NOT with people who have treated ME poorly. This is not your amends to make, it is his, when he chooses sobriety and help for his addiction.
I hope I made sense, sometimes I think I can write all over the place!
Sending you massive hugs!
Yes, been there, done that, won't do it again.
I have struggled with much of what you are saying in my own life.....analyzing everything, caring so much about someone I forgot completely about myself.
It sounds as if your relationship, and now non relationship with him weighs so heavily on your heart. You're not quite ready to sever your relationship completely; you want to "fix" it....
but have you ever thought to yourself, this is not for you to "fix"?
And I would ask you, if you were to say those things that you want to say, what kind of response do you want back?
Are you REALLY doing it for your own closure, or is there something deeper that you want him to say?
Honestly, I think if you say those things, you are opening yourself up to a world of more pain.
He chose is own path. And it is toxic for himself and anyone that comes in contact with him.
I think it may be healthy to write out what you want to say, then lock it in a box. Journaling and writing is healthy and it can often release pent up feelings. I have done that a lot.
You are still putting so much energy into this person, who isn't very nice to you, the way it sounds. That is a very hard thing to come to terms with when you care about someone so deeply. So ask yourself, why do you feel the need to try to keep communicating with him?? No matter how much 2 people have been through together, how much history they have, when one person starts to disrespect the other, that relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
I went no contact over a month ago because I HAD TO. I fooled myself into thinking that I could be friends with this person I cared for so much, who had been so hurtful to me, lied to me, used me, someone who I told my deepest hurts too, someone I considered my best friend.
I can't be friends with him. One because he doesn't deserve my friendship anymore. And two, because now I have been able to focus on ME, and REALLY start to analyze why I do the things I do, what I want to change, and how to change it.
I have started counseling as well.
You did not make things more difficult for him, he is an adult. His first choice is the bottle, period. Make your first choice YOU. I have spent most of my life fighting for people who seem to be able to take me or leave me. I'm tired of that! You don't deserve this. Friendship, relationships are not one sided, they are created by the equal effort that both people put into it.
I am a make amends kind of person too.....but NOT with people who have treated ME poorly. This is not your amends to make, it is his, when he chooses sobriety and help for his addiction.
I hope I made sense, sometimes I think I can write all over the place!
Sending you massive hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
Hi Cath,
Thanks for the heads up. I don't really have any illusions that my saying sorry would make him realize "Oh my god, she gets me, lets work it out!" I don't think that at all. I kind of pondered this, because it would be for me. It makes me feel bad that I handled things the way that I did. If I wrote him something and he never wrote back, I don't know that I'd care, as odd as that might sound. I just feel bad, for my part of it, and would have likely acted differently if I would have known what I know now. That kind of thing.
Thanks for the heads up. I don't really have any illusions that my saying sorry would make him realize "Oh my god, she gets me, lets work it out!" I don't think that at all. I kind of pondered this, because it would be for me. It makes me feel bad that I handled things the way that I did. If I wrote him something and he never wrote back, I don't know that I'd care, as odd as that might sound. I just feel bad, for my part of it, and would have likely acted differently if I would have known what I know now. That kind of thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 52
I know what you mean grrl. I know it is really hard to sever ties. I think Kittyboo put it well in her post. I hope that you can figure out what would be best for you. Everyone has to do things in their own way and own time. Just remember to put you first. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. I have done those same things...drank with my ex, tried to help him, work with him, work around the addiction, got into huge fights with him, argued with him when he was drunk etc etc. I had to stop beating myself up over these things because they can not be changed now. I just try to think about what I can do differently within myself and in my next relationship. Thanks for sharing!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Oh my goodness....I got to the line where you said you were bawlling...and I thought OH NO!!! I didn't mean to do that...
But then got to the good tears. Phew!
Sweets, I definitely understand how you feel SO MUCH! Be strong. We are all A LOT stronger than we even know, test that theory, you'll see.
But then got to the good tears. Phew!
Sweets, I definitely understand how you feel SO MUCH! Be strong. We are all A LOT stronger than we even know, test that theory, you'll see.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
1 You are not alone on those feelings, my XABF did exactly the same thing. Exactly.
2 I get the feeling too. After a year I am just starting to feel I am really moving on. As I work with him I know he moved on like, 2 weeks afterwards? then he got someone else. I know how much that feeling hurts.
But it is not fair to compare you with anyone. They are cheating you know? they got the drink. Imagine if you got a magic potion that automatically made you forget, made you believe YOU ARE RIGHT and everybody else is wrong. That made you feel you are this Little Goddess... you are here on this Earth with your human heart, he is lost in his own madness. You live in reality.
One day you will be grateful you are on this end and not the other one.
3 He already said what you need to know in his actions.. I know that is painful... but if he is still drinking there you got it. Alcohol is still winning. There is nothing you can do about it.
Tossing it to his work account, so I know he'd read it when he's sober.
Recently I was told my ex uses to come to work STILL DRUNK AT 9AM. Alcohol is the only thing. There is no guarantee he will be sober in any moment or context.
Also.. I DID send that email when I was there and my pain was so fresh.
I told him everything. How hurt I was, how could he, blah blah. Later on I asked to see him. I wanted to tell him not to contact me again. And I also wanted to hurt him.
He said "you shouldn't have sent that email".
By then I was realizing everything they say in this forum is true. And I replied "no.. I shouldn't have."
Acknowledgements? no. Responsibility? LOL! no. He just said "sorry" in such an insulting way, as if in that senseless word said without even looking at me in the eye would mend everything. WELL at least it mended it for him / I went out of his way after that. So he got rid of the scolding boring girlfriend.
Er, sorry. Angry today.... back on track...
I advise you to write it all and burn it, or trash the paper. It is not worth it. You won't find a sincere apology. You won't find a normal ex boyfriend acknowledging the good and the bad, trying to learn. You won't find "I do cherish the good times and yes I did feel something for you, and yes now it hurts for me like hell just as you". Nope. You just find more pain. Pain and denial. That is addiction.
I ignored everyone who told me this while I was there.... I hope you are smarter than me. The healing apology you are striving for is not needed for you to feel well again.
The love and care and acknowledgement of your relation and your thoughts and your feelings.... in reality NEED to come from yourself... and when you get that strength again you don't need anyone else to do it for you.. and you won't feel bad if they don't.
Even if it hurts, you can use all his harming words and acts and non acts to your advantage. Why is it sick and twisted and nothing like it was before? because he in reality has problems with alcohol and this is who he really is. He can't hide who he is from you anymore. You are not fooled anymore by his smile. You know how it is like to be with him drunk. You know his anger. You know his confusion. You know better now... you need to stay away. For you.
This is the best he got.. this is his emotional level... no honesty or learning from loss.... and this is why you are better off away. Far far away. He is choosing not to change now. Ok. His life. But you, you CAN change... there are so many gifts awaiting you... you can't stop for him...
I get my moments even after a year, but I compare myself with this time last year and at least I am not crying 24x7 now. Trust your process as Melody Beattie says.
It gets better. Slow but steady!! and easy does it... you are not alone dear grrl77.
2 I get the feeling too. After a year I am just starting to feel I am really moving on. As I work with him I know he moved on like, 2 weeks afterwards? then he got someone else. I know how much that feeling hurts.
But it is not fair to compare you with anyone. They are cheating you know? they got the drink. Imagine if you got a magic potion that automatically made you forget, made you believe YOU ARE RIGHT and everybody else is wrong. That made you feel you are this Little Goddess... you are here on this Earth with your human heart, he is lost in his own madness. You live in reality.
One day you will be grateful you are on this end and not the other one.
3 He already said what you need to know in his actions.. I know that is painful... but if he is still drinking there you got it. Alcohol is still winning. There is nothing you can do about it.
Tossing it to his work account, so I know he'd read it when he's sober.
Recently I was told my ex uses to come to work STILL DRUNK AT 9AM. Alcohol is the only thing. There is no guarantee he will be sober in any moment or context.
Also.. I DID send that email when I was there and my pain was so fresh.
I told him everything. How hurt I was, how could he, blah blah. Later on I asked to see him. I wanted to tell him not to contact me again. And I also wanted to hurt him.
He said "you shouldn't have sent that email".
By then I was realizing everything they say in this forum is true. And I replied "no.. I shouldn't have."
Acknowledgements? no. Responsibility? LOL! no. He just said "sorry" in such an insulting way, as if in that senseless word said without even looking at me in the eye would mend everything. WELL at least it mended it for him / I went out of his way after that. So he got rid of the scolding boring girlfriend.
Er, sorry. Angry today.... back on track...
I advise you to write it all and burn it, or trash the paper. It is not worth it. You won't find a sincere apology. You won't find a normal ex boyfriend acknowledging the good and the bad, trying to learn. You won't find "I do cherish the good times and yes I did feel something for you, and yes now it hurts for me like hell just as you". Nope. You just find more pain. Pain and denial. That is addiction.
I ignored everyone who told me this while I was there.... I hope you are smarter than me. The healing apology you are striving for is not needed for you to feel well again.
The love and care and acknowledgement of your relation and your thoughts and your feelings.... in reality NEED to come from yourself... and when you get that strength again you don't need anyone else to do it for you.. and you won't feel bad if they don't.
Even if it hurts, you can use all his harming words and acts and non acts to your advantage. Why is it sick and twisted and nothing like it was before? because he in reality has problems with alcohol and this is who he really is. He can't hide who he is from you anymore. You are not fooled anymore by his smile. You know how it is like to be with him drunk. You know his anger. You know his confusion. You know better now... you need to stay away. For you.
This is the best he got.. this is his emotional level... no honesty or learning from loss.... and this is why you are better off away. Far far away. He is choosing not to change now. Ok. His life. But you, you CAN change... there are so many gifts awaiting you... you can't stop for him...
I get my moments even after a year, but I compare myself with this time last year and at least I am not crying 24x7 now. Trust your process as Melody Beattie says.
It gets better. Slow but steady!! and easy does it... you are not alone dear grrl77.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Yeah, my experience was similar to yours... and consequently I'm now divorced.
I did go back and apologize for my part in the end of our marriage, and I'm glad. But, I had this conversation with him a year after the papers were signed, and about four years after he moved out. I'm glad I waited all that time too, because that was how long it took my emotions to settle down enough for me to be able to discuss the situation without getting angry or humiliating myself, or without it hurting too much.
Funny, I was thinking about that this afternoon-- if either of us were to die unexpectedly (and his mother just did) I would regret it terribly if I hadn't apologized.
On emailing at work-- remember, if he's got a corporate account, that email can be read by more people than just the recipient. You may not want the feelings of you inner heart to be visible to the IT department of his company.
I did go back and apologize for my part in the end of our marriage, and I'm glad. But, I had this conversation with him a year after the papers were signed, and about four years after he moved out. I'm glad I waited all that time too, because that was how long it took my emotions to settle down enough for me to be able to discuss the situation without getting angry or humiliating myself, or without it hurting too much.
Funny, I was thinking about that this afternoon-- if either of us were to die unexpectedly (and his mother just did) I would regret it terribly if I hadn't apologized.
On emailing at work-- remember, if he's got a corporate account, that email can be read by more people than just the recipient. You may not want the feelings of you inner heart to be visible to the IT department of his company.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
I think if I were to actually send him a message, it wouldn't be hateful or angry. It's not even really about him, or what we were. It's more about me realizing that I made mistakes, too. I made a lot of our problems about him, and rightly so, I think, in some ways. I mean, had he not had this problem, we would have probably been married by now, who knows. I feel jilted out of a shot at a great relationship. What sucks is I know that one day, he wants a wife, kids, a family. He's admitted as much. But he also knows - and thank God - that he's in no position to be in anything remotely serious with anyone. I think being with me, made him realize that. Anyway.
I guess I feel bad because a lot of times during our relationship, I made it all about his issues. Nevermind mine, I was perfect! I wasn't the drinker, pshh! Y'know? And I feel bad for that. But I need to really get to busting arse on myself, before I decide to write any letter. I don't feel I'm really ready to write that sort of letter.
Did you guys' boyfriends/husbands/whoever ever wonder why you stopped talking to them? I just have a feeling that in a month or so, he'll reach out to me, and I'll ignore, because he'll be drunk. And eventually it'll get to a point where he'll call like four or five times, wanting to know if I'm avoiding him. I guess maybe that's when I'll reach out to him during the day, when I know he's not drinking, perhaps, and just lay it all out. You know, one of those, "If you're choosing to drink, I can't have you in my life, because when you drink, you turn into a monster. you've said so yourself. I can't do it anymore. My door's open if you get sober, I miss the guy I used to know, because I never see him anymore. But until then, I hope you find your way." kind of deals.
Bleh.
I guess I feel bad because a lot of times during our relationship, I made it all about his issues. Nevermind mine, I was perfect! I wasn't the drinker, pshh! Y'know? And I feel bad for that. But I need to really get to busting arse on myself, before I decide to write any letter. I don't feel I'm really ready to write that sort of letter.
Did you guys' boyfriends/husbands/whoever ever wonder why you stopped talking to them? I just have a feeling that in a month or so, he'll reach out to me, and I'll ignore, because he'll be drunk. And eventually it'll get to a point where he'll call like four or five times, wanting to know if I'm avoiding him. I guess maybe that's when I'll reach out to him during the day, when I know he's not drinking, perhaps, and just lay it all out. You know, one of those, "If you're choosing to drink, I can't have you in my life, because when you drink, you turn into a monster. you've said so yourself. I can't do it anymore. My door's open if you get sober, I miss the guy I used to know, because I never see him anymore. But until then, I hope you find your way." kind of deals.
Bleh.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 56
it gets easier
Right on TC!
There is no healing apology, nor do you need one. The only person I expect an apology from anymore is ME, because I'm the one who allowed me to tolerate such BS over and over again.
Chin up, grrrl! keep moving forward for yourself!
There is no healing apology, nor do you need one. The only person I expect an apology from anymore is ME, because I'm the one who allowed me to tolerate such BS over and over again.
Chin up, grrrl! keep moving forward for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
That's the other thing about hearing an apology. When someone offers one, you want it to be sincere..... chances are, an apology from him would not even come close to being sincere.
Many here will share in the fact that somehow ALL of the problems of the addicts are their fault. Oh wait....no THAT'S what the addict says!
Addicts generally find it impossible to admit to their own faults, or what they did that helped lead to the decline of a relationship...UNLESS it somehow benefits them.
I'm only speaking from my experience.
Let me tell you.....for 8 months I heard nothing except what an evil, horrible manipulative person my A's ex wife was. But you know what, as soon as he realized he she was coming back to him, then all of a sudden he took ALL the blame. Atleast that is what he told ME. He had to justify going back to her after all of the horrible things he said about her.
It was a HORRIBLE time for me, sometimes still is, it is still fresh. And you know what I did, I sent him an email, telling him how important he was to me, how I miss his friendship SO much. It went ignored, which triggered in me sending an email then blasting him for all of the pain he caused and how all of his actions were so contradictory..... then he blocked me on facebook....then he unblocked me.
I then made the choice to remove him completely. I blocked him, and haven't unblocked him since. I do not need reminders. I have gotten a couple of blocked calls (one I know was him....I don't understand the point of that).
My point is, after I spoke my mind, and he KNEW I was right.....what did he do? He went and blasted me to a couple of his friends.... hmmm, sounds familiar to what he did to his ex.
ANYTHING to make them look like they haven't done anything wrong.
Maybe you could have done things differently in your relationship, I know I could have, but you don't owe him an apology......atleast not right now.
I have completely stopped looking for an apology....because I wouldn't believe it anyway. And I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I was the best person I could be with him. I REALLY CARED. And it doesn't matter anymore if he acknowledges that....what matters is that I know that. I will be the luckiest person in the world when I meet someone who cares about me as much as I cared about him. And it is his loss now.
You are such a good person, and I can tell you have so much love to give someone.... first give some love to yourself and go look in the mirror and say "Oh to the No! I will NOT be making an effort for anyone who does not make an equal effort for me, and will not invite uninvited pain into my life!"
What is something else you can focus on, something good, besides communicating with him? Something that you are looking forward to?
Many here will share in the fact that somehow ALL of the problems of the addicts are their fault. Oh wait....no THAT'S what the addict says!
Addicts generally find it impossible to admit to their own faults, or what they did that helped lead to the decline of a relationship...UNLESS it somehow benefits them.
I'm only speaking from my experience.
Let me tell you.....for 8 months I heard nothing except what an evil, horrible manipulative person my A's ex wife was. But you know what, as soon as he realized he she was coming back to him, then all of a sudden he took ALL the blame. Atleast that is what he told ME. He had to justify going back to her after all of the horrible things he said about her.
It was a HORRIBLE time for me, sometimes still is, it is still fresh. And you know what I did, I sent him an email, telling him how important he was to me, how I miss his friendship SO much. It went ignored, which triggered in me sending an email then blasting him for all of the pain he caused and how all of his actions were so contradictory..... then he blocked me on facebook....then he unblocked me.
I then made the choice to remove him completely. I blocked him, and haven't unblocked him since. I do not need reminders. I have gotten a couple of blocked calls (one I know was him....I don't understand the point of that).
My point is, after I spoke my mind, and he KNEW I was right.....what did he do? He went and blasted me to a couple of his friends.... hmmm, sounds familiar to what he did to his ex.
ANYTHING to make them look like they haven't done anything wrong.
Maybe you could have done things differently in your relationship, I know I could have, but you don't owe him an apology......atleast not right now.
I have completely stopped looking for an apology....because I wouldn't believe it anyway. And I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I was the best person I could be with him. I REALLY CARED. And it doesn't matter anymore if he acknowledges that....what matters is that I know that. I will be the luckiest person in the world when I meet someone who cares about me as much as I cared about him. And it is his loss now.
You are such a good person, and I can tell you have so much love to give someone.... first give some love to yourself and go look in the mirror and say "Oh to the No! I will NOT be making an effort for anyone who does not make an equal effort for me, and will not invite uninvited pain into my life!"
What is something else you can focus on, something good, besides communicating with him? Something that you are looking forward to?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"If you're choosing to drink, I can't have you in my life, because when you drink, you turn into a monster. you've said so yourself. I can't do it anymore. My door's open if you get sober, I miss the guy I used to know, because I never see him anymore. But until then, I hope you find your way." kind of deals.
Just as he is very clear with his actions, you were clear too.
If you are no longer with him, YOU HAVE ALREADY TOLD HIM THIS. By every day you DON'T look for him, you are sending this exact message. Because if you talk to him, you drag him down, too. He needs to feel a loss is a loss and pain caused to someone else is not a game or reversible. Afterwards if you hear he has been clean and sober for a few years I believe you can say "hey, glad you are getting better" but NOW? from what you say... nothing has changed. Nothing. Dead end.
Write all this and burn the papers, it is very healing I promise.
Just as he is very clear with his actions, you were clear too.
If you are no longer with him, YOU HAVE ALREADY TOLD HIM THIS. By every day you DON'T look for him, you are sending this exact message. Because if you talk to him, you drag him down, too. He needs to feel a loss is a loss and pain caused to someone else is not a game or reversible. Afterwards if you hear he has been clean and sober for a few years I believe you can say "hey, glad you are getting better" but NOW? from what you say... nothing has changed. Nothing. Dead end.
Write all this and burn the papers, it is very healing I promise.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Why do we always assume that the sweet, loving guy we fell in love with is the real person? How do we know that? What if the mean, aggressive drunk is the real person? What if that sweet, loving guy we fell in love with was just an act? A false persona that they finally couldn't keep up anymore? Just something to consider......
L
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
Why do we always assume that the sweet, loving guy we fell in love with is the real person? How do we know that? What if the mean, aggressive drunk is the real person? What if that sweet, loving guy we fell in love with was just an act? A false persona that they finally couldn't keep up anymore? Just something to consider......
L
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 85
I guess I didn't expect anything from him, apology-wise. It was mainly just for me. Closure, maybe, I don't know. I know that for my part, I did some wrong. Sure, he did, too, but it's not really about me hearing an apology. He knows he did wrong. I guess it's more just for me acknowledging that I had my share of BS, too. If he never responds, eh. No matter. I just have regret that in our relationship, I did a lot of finger pointing. I guess all that's water under the bridge, and realistically, I know he'd probably just shrug his shoulders and say, "Eh, that was in the past, no worries."
I don't think the mean drunk was the real guy, because I spent a lot of time with him, sober. There were moments that I know to be true; the look he gave me, the week we spent in the woods with no booze, the way he held my hand, I dunno. I realize it all sounds mushy and romantic, but I just *know*. The man that I fell in love with was really sweet and funny. Kinda shy. Smart, for sure. He's got a lot of issues, and I could sit here and take stabs as to why he drinks, but that's for him to figure out. I know that I can't fix him. When he drinks, though, it's like... fake courage. This aloof, egotistical elitist ***** comes out - and that's just not who he is. Realistically, he's a scared dude who buries himself in booze, because it's the only way he can get himself pumped up enough to feel halfway worthy of anyone's attention. I look at his family - parents and brother are scientists, biochemists, they have a million letters after their last name. Nicest people in the world, it seems. But I know he feels very inferior to them - he went to one of the best engineering schools, and got kicked out. Smoked too much pot, and drank too much, would be my guess. He's got a great job now, but not much else. Not very many friends, no family that live nearby, he pushes everyone that comes close to him away. I'd say self-loathing on his part, is probably very mild a term. I just wish that he could see what I see, underneath it all. I'm really not trying to glorify him in any way here, it's just... I spent time with him, minus these problems. He tried staying sober when we were together a few times, but failed. I think he wanted to try to hold it together, for my sake, because I know deep down, he wants a regular relationship with a great girl, he wants to get married one day. We've sat down and had sober convos about what he's freaked out of, when it comes to stopping. He knows he needs to quit, he's said as much. He says he's scared to death, doesn't know how to live without the drink. He's afraid people won't like him. What if he's boring? I think that's his biggest fear - he's going to be ordinary.
Anyway, it's just my two cents on his situation, and I guess that's why it's been real hard for me. By the way, he just IM'd me, and I closed the window. Go me. Kinda funny, I haven't heard from him in weeks, I go ranting about him here, and guess who reaches out.
I don't think the mean drunk was the real guy, because I spent a lot of time with him, sober. There were moments that I know to be true; the look he gave me, the week we spent in the woods with no booze, the way he held my hand, I dunno. I realize it all sounds mushy and romantic, but I just *know*. The man that I fell in love with was really sweet and funny. Kinda shy. Smart, for sure. He's got a lot of issues, and I could sit here and take stabs as to why he drinks, but that's for him to figure out. I know that I can't fix him. When he drinks, though, it's like... fake courage. This aloof, egotistical elitist ***** comes out - and that's just not who he is. Realistically, he's a scared dude who buries himself in booze, because it's the only way he can get himself pumped up enough to feel halfway worthy of anyone's attention. I look at his family - parents and brother are scientists, biochemists, they have a million letters after their last name. Nicest people in the world, it seems. But I know he feels very inferior to them - he went to one of the best engineering schools, and got kicked out. Smoked too much pot, and drank too much, would be my guess. He's got a great job now, but not much else. Not very many friends, no family that live nearby, he pushes everyone that comes close to him away. I'd say self-loathing on his part, is probably very mild a term. I just wish that he could see what I see, underneath it all. I'm really not trying to glorify him in any way here, it's just... I spent time with him, minus these problems. He tried staying sober when we were together a few times, but failed. I think he wanted to try to hold it together, for my sake, because I know deep down, he wants a regular relationship with a great girl, he wants to get married one day. We've sat down and had sober convos about what he's freaked out of, when it comes to stopping. He knows he needs to quit, he's said as much. He says he's scared to death, doesn't know how to live without the drink. He's afraid people won't like him. What if he's boring? I think that's his biggest fear - he's going to be ordinary.
Anyway, it's just my two cents on his situation, and I guess that's why it's been real hard for me. By the way, he just IM'd me, and I closed the window. Go me. Kinda funny, I haven't heard from him in weeks, I go ranting about him here, and guess who reaches out.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Originally Posted by grrl77
Did you guys' boyfriends/husbands/whoever ever wonder why you stopped talking to them?
Whenver he would call, he was combative and argumentative. Told him that I wouldn't talk to him when he was like that. It would be the same old same old - the gripe du jour I called it - the list of things grew longer with each binge and the level of anger grew as I no longer would give him the audience he craved.
I just have a feeling that in a month or so, he'll reach out to me, and I'll ignore, because he'll be drunk.
And eventually it'll get to a point where he'll call like four or five times, wanting to know if I'm avoiding him.
I guess maybe that's when I'll reach out to him during the day, when I know he's not drinking, perhaps, and just lay it all out. You know, one of those, "If you're choosing to drink, I can't have you in my life, because when you drink, you turn into a monster. you've said so yourself. I can't do it anymore. My door's open if you get sober, I miss the guy I used to know, because I never see him anymore. But until then, I hope you find your way." kind of deals.
After his last relapse or should I say the relapse that never ends, I broke it off with my exABF and every time I get the temptation to give in, to lift the phone, send the email, drop by his place, I think of what he put me through-what I let him put me through. The mere thought of seeing him intoxicated-the smell of alcohol, the pawing, the pleading - That usually pulls me out of any notion that we can ever be friends or lovers again. Then, I call an Al-Anon friend, come to SR and soon my level of sanity returns to normal.
Mine made the choice to keep on drinking, I made the choice to move on from the insanity and chaos and while it's been hard on me to start the process of moving on, staying with him was too toxic for me.
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