NEOMARXIST

I am still sober and gratefull to be sober. I am not going back to my old life and I am going to keep sober one day at a time. I know I will feel great to make it through the xmas/new year period sober and I ain't gonna lose 5 months of sobriety by thinking myself back to that life that I left behind.

My mind has been racing over this weekend and I was mentally struggling horrifically yesterday. My mind was a mish mash of justifying/fighting against allowing drink/drugs back into my life again. My thinking was completely and utterly insane and i was back out there locked up in a hotel room drinking myself to oblivion again. To be quite honest it has scared the hell out of me to the point of feeling very anxious as it is frightening how quickly the old thoughts creep back in.

The AA meeting was intense tonight and I was feeling very edgy and worried about things but I feel like an event which unfolded there has basically saved me and my sobriety. I am so gratefull for this individual who just by looking at me could sense something wasn't right with me and took me outside and gave me his number and reassured me that i will be OK and it's normal for an alcoholic to have periods of intense struggle within his mind. I know I will take this as a blessing and use this to further my resolve at sticking with sobriety and I know that it is the right thing to do and that the only place I am ending up if I pick a drink up is in the gutter.

I am back determined to stick to the sober path and I may have a potential sponsor but I am going to stick to the principles of the serenity prayer and let thing be and so how it rolls. When i think about how I was justifying drinking again it petrifies me but I am gaining strength through each struggle i successfully come through. That was my hardest struggle of the past 5 months and without AA I would be undoubtably set to go back to my old ways. That is not to say that AA is perfect by any means, there are some indiduals who are particularly depressing and off-putting but if you can try to see past that and remember how you will feel coming off a binge then I would rather that than going back there.

Thanks for letting me share. I was tempted to abandon SR last night but that would be stupid as it is a great resource and it is undoubtably true that 9 times out of 10 when people stop logging in or attending AA meetings they are deliberately setting themselves up, whether subconsciously or deliberately, for a relapse.

Thanks for letting me share.

peace and love "Neomarxist"

FBL

Neo, thanks for sharing! Keep up the good fight.

Anna

I'm glad you're here, Neo!

Lionne

Hey Neo,
I'm glad to hear you made it and didn't drink. It really is a process with ups and downs, even after several months, sometimes less than perfect, but in the end, even at the trying times better than what would await us if we decided to drink again. So good job, it's great to hear that you have fresh resolve to continue along the road

Horselover

I'm glad your back too Neo and I am sorry if my comment was insensitive. I feel it was that. I do remember feeling the emotions you have been going through. I guess its hard for me to revisit it and for that very reason I should. Peace right back at you and don't ever leave SR because you haven't heard what you might need because the very next post could be spot on. I know I was way off. Hugs - Sarah

sfgirl

I think around 5 months I had two weeks of crazy thinking too that just came out of nowhere. It didn't make any sense. I thought I was out of the woods. I didn't get it. But you just have to do what you are doing. One day at a time. And remember it is just your mind going crazy and after awhile it will go back to serene. It just may take a few days— but unlike how it sometimes feels you won't be feeling crappy forever.

Goat

Just as the great people on SR try to help you, you help the great people on SR... And me It would be quite a loss not only to you, but to all of us, if you abandoned us.

I'm very happy you decided to stay

-Goat

Hevyn

Neo, I'm so relieved to see you back. I was afraid you'd go away & isolate.
Horselover, you and others were only trying to make a point - that it wouldn't be worth it to go back into hell. You said it with love & concern.

It's so very hard to be young & have to come to this conclusion about drinking & partying. I know I'd never have been smart enough to see the light at your age. I paid a huge price for not acknowledging my problem & dealing with it. I allowed alcohol to suck the life out of me, thinking I was making things better & easier. You never have to go down that sad & lonely road, Neo. Thanks for letting us know what's up with you.

Ninsuna

Neo, I'm soo glad you're sticking around. I read your post yesterday and I could relate to how you felt, I have felt the same way, but I couldn't think of a response that I thought would be helpful. I'm so glad someone came along who could be of assistance to you. Be well.

NewMe11109

Great post Neo --

What you are going through is exactly what I went through at 6 months. Now, after 10 months, those feelings are mostly gone and I feel good.

Don't give up that 5 months. Give it some more time.

I think your higher power was at work tonight.

Dee74

I'm glad you're still here, mate

D

vegibean

Thank you as always for your share NEO.

Stereosteveo

Thanks for sharing. I know exactly what you went through and are going through. I had the same thoughts almost daily for my first year. I relapsed 6 times.

Check this out:
p. 30
"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

Obession: Uncontrolled Thought.
Compulsion: Uncontrolled Action.

These thoughts are uncrontrollable. That's why the word "powerless" is in step 1. And the term "sanity" is in step 2.

If we could control our thinking we wouldn't think about drinking right?

After almost dying repeatedly while going to three meetings a day, I finally became willing to try the process:

p.25
There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. (The process refers to the 12-steps of course. Specifically 4/5/9 in the above sentence)

The gift I have recieved from the 12-steps is this:
I haven't had an overwhelming obession of the mind to go drink myself silly since my first time through them.
In fact I haven't even thought of drinking.
Like Step 2 promises the insanity was removed.

Best Wishes