He never really wanted to get to know me
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
He never really wanted to get to know me
He really didn't.
After 4 and a half years he thought I studied "animal behavioural science"
I studied Animal Welfare
He had no idea what my illness was called or what was involved, he just thought I was faking.
He never asked to look at photos of my past, my old photo albums...nothing
He never booked a restaurant that I might like.
I went along (like an idiot) to his restaurants and ate things like rice and potatoes (I'm a vegan....he was all about meat)
This sort of stuff isn't normal is it?
I've never had a relationship with someone who wasn't an addict of sorts, so I don't know what a real relationship is like.
I know I have to change to get someone who would want to know the real me and I'm prepared to put the work in, I suppose I'm just asking if it's possible. I feel so jaded with men and relationships in general.
Hopefully, one day in the future, I may meet someone who really wants to know who I am instead of someone who just wants my money.
After 4 and a half years he thought I studied "animal behavioural science"
I studied Animal Welfare
He had no idea what my illness was called or what was involved, he just thought I was faking.
He never asked to look at photos of my past, my old photo albums...nothing
He never booked a restaurant that I might like.
I went along (like an idiot) to his restaurants and ate things like rice and potatoes (I'm a vegan....he was all about meat)
This sort of stuff isn't normal is it?
I've never had a relationship with someone who wasn't an addict of sorts, so I don't know what a real relationship is like.
I know I have to change to get someone who would want to know the real me and I'm prepared to put the work in, I suppose I'm just asking if it's possible. I feel so jaded with men and relationships in general.
Hopefully, one day in the future, I may meet someone who really wants to know who I am instead of someone who just wants my money.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
I know how you feel. My abf has never put me first. I too eat where he wants to, take interest his hobbies while he shows no interest in mine etc etc etc. The biggest thing is that he has never wanted to get to know my friends or family. After almost 10 years, he has never met a good share of my friends. A while back, I was really proud of myself for keeping on a running routine and when I quit, he didn't even notice. Just the little things that in a normal relationship would be noticed. And isn't it amazing that you don't even notice it? Or notice it and make yourself be "okay" with it?
I agree with Bucyn, that now that you are seeing these things, you will be able to recognize what you want and what you deserve in a partner. Your eyes have been opened and you KNOW what a real relationship consists of. This will make it way more likely that you will have a healthy relationship in the future. Good luck to you in finding the kind of loving relationship you deserve!
I agree with Bucyn, that now that you are seeing these things, you will be able to recognize what you want and what you deserve in a partner. Your eyes have been opened and you KNOW what a real relationship consists of. This will make it way more likely that you will have a healthy relationship in the future. Good luck to you in finding the kind of loving relationship you deserve!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 28
Reading your post made me realize that I to have felt the same way.
I remember coming home one night from work and pulling into my driveway and seeing that he had planted flowers in all of my flower beds. We had again been in the midst of not getting along and seeing that he had done this for me really made me think again how sweet and thoughtful this gesture was.
I called him to thank him and he went on and on about how he had to go to 3 nurseries to get it all done because he knew that purple was my "favorite color"!
Surprise, its not! I remember hanging up and thinking he knows nothing about me. He never asked me questions about me, my past, my interests. All the focus has always been about him.
Just thinking about it now again makes me see how one-sided everything has been. I was living his life not my own! ( Ouch is this a lightbulb moment?)
Funny, we have been no contact for 12 days but I'll give you one more example. I changed my haircolor (dramatic change) and the last times we saw each other, he didn't even notice, never commented! Hell even the gas station guy where I get my gas noticed! Its like living in Bizarro world!
I remember coming home one night from work and pulling into my driveway and seeing that he had planted flowers in all of my flower beds. We had again been in the midst of not getting along and seeing that he had done this for me really made me think again how sweet and thoughtful this gesture was.
I called him to thank him and he went on and on about how he had to go to 3 nurseries to get it all done because he knew that purple was my "favorite color"!
Surprise, its not! I remember hanging up and thinking he knows nothing about me. He never asked me questions about me, my past, my interests. All the focus has always been about him.
Just thinking about it now again makes me see how one-sided everything has been. I was living his life not my own! ( Ouch is this a lightbulb moment?)
Funny, we have been no contact for 12 days but I'll give you one more example. I changed my haircolor (dramatic change) and the last times we saw each other, he didn't even notice, never commented! Hell even the gas station guy where I get my gas noticed! Its like living in Bizarro world!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I feel the same way.. I think the only time my AH has asked much about my past was to gather ammunition for future warfare. I could never get him to tell me too much about his past relationships but he seemed to know just enough about mine to pick on me for it and use it as an excuse to claim I was running around on him, damaged goods, etc..
For anniversaries and birthdays he always did a great show with cleaning the house and decorating the dining room with flowers, presents, and a beautiful dinner. However, most of the presents were things like to show off something he got me (jewelry, im thinking he thought of them more as 'proof' to the world that my husband was a doting loving man, if i wore it. if i didn't wear it he'd get annoyed) or they were things he could enjoy too (games, an espresso machine was one of my big christmas presents, i swore he used it more than me too), etc. The dinners he cooked were always delicious but he enjoyed them at least as much as I did, etc. So the thought was kind of there, but I always felt like the end result was to show me how wonderful he was without having to sacrifice much. He'd spend money on presents for me that we didn't have (I was the only one working at the time) and then go on about how he bought me this or that or how I'm worth it. I would have preferred he pick up some gigs or labor work to make $50 and then get me a little present with that, or make me a nice card.
But it was more for show I guess, it's what kept me hooked.
For anniversaries and birthdays he always did a great show with cleaning the house and decorating the dining room with flowers, presents, and a beautiful dinner. However, most of the presents were things like to show off something he got me (jewelry, im thinking he thought of them more as 'proof' to the world that my husband was a doting loving man, if i wore it. if i didn't wear it he'd get annoyed) or they were things he could enjoy too (games, an espresso machine was one of my big christmas presents, i swore he used it more than me too), etc. The dinners he cooked were always delicious but he enjoyed them at least as much as I did, etc. So the thought was kind of there, but I always felt like the end result was to show me how wonderful he was without having to sacrifice much. He'd spend money on presents for me that we didn't have (I was the only one working at the time) and then go on about how he bought me this or that or how I'm worth it. I would have preferred he pick up some gigs or labor work to make $50 and then get me a little present with that, or make me a nice card.
But it was more for show I guess, it's what kept me hooked.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Last summer, when I was truly grieving, I spent a lot of time feeling unloved and wondering if anyone would every love me.
do you have role models in your life? folks with enviable and close relationships? I do and it helped pull me out of that funk. I saw what my other women friends had chosen and realized I too had that choice.
Now a days I am conscious of and work towards really loving myself. Getting to know myself outside of the context of a relationship. I started last summer, at least I knew it was critical if I ever wanted to heal. Be happy with yourself, love yourself first, all those sorts of bumper sticker theories that I know are true but didn't know how to enact in my life.
Now I view my life as one I am thrilled to fix, make better, get to know. All the work I put into that failed marriage, I now try to put that amount of energy into my own damn self.
At the conference a few weeks ago, this guy was all over me. My women friends were impressed by his: status in the movement, money he makes, and charisma. I noticed how much he drank.
I learned at that time that I don't have to just take the first man that throws himself at me. Yes, it's nice, but I have a loooon list of criteria that has to be met.
What's on your list?
You could be on a great adventure!
do you have role models in your life? folks with enviable and close relationships? I do and it helped pull me out of that funk. I saw what my other women friends had chosen and realized I too had that choice.
Now a days I am conscious of and work towards really loving myself. Getting to know myself outside of the context of a relationship. I started last summer, at least I knew it was critical if I ever wanted to heal. Be happy with yourself, love yourself first, all those sorts of bumper sticker theories that I know are true but didn't know how to enact in my life.
Now I view my life as one I am thrilled to fix, make better, get to know. All the work I put into that failed marriage, I now try to put that amount of energy into my own damn self.
At the conference a few weeks ago, this guy was all over me. My women friends were impressed by his: status in the movement, money he makes, and charisma. I noticed how much he drank.
I learned at that time that I don't have to just take the first man that throws himself at me. Yes, it's nice, but I have a loooon list of criteria that has to be met.
What's on your list?
You could be on a great adventure!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Yes, I have a great friend / roommate from college who has been married 2 years now. They dated for 4 before that. Their relationship is great, from what I can tell. they seem very trusting of eachother, they plan to do and do a lot of great interesting fun things together, celebrate soem of their own traditions together, and plan time to sit down and talk about their goals and future and how to get there.
They have separate finances and joint savings and are both responsible with their spending even though they sometimes disagree strongly on what the other is buying, they aren't in bad shape because they are both generally very thrifty and responsible.
They both work out separately and together, and have good relationships with their friends and go out and have fun a lot. They take time with their family as well. But in general I can just see a lot of love and support there, without any kind of dependency or neediness. I see people who would never say something awful to each other.
THEN sometimes I wonder, well this is what I see.. Other people thought I had a great relationship when really everything was falling apart around me. So, I could be wrong... but what I hear and what she tells me and how they act seems strong and fantastic and that's what *I* want.
Hopefully one day I'll choose that too! I think I have always picked guys who were self absorbed so I could get sucked into their lives, or guys who I thought needed 'help' in one department or another, charity case style. I need a relationship taht's about each of us, not just one of us.
They have separate finances and joint savings and are both responsible with their spending even though they sometimes disagree strongly on what the other is buying, they aren't in bad shape because they are both generally very thrifty and responsible.
They both work out separately and together, and have good relationships with their friends and go out and have fun a lot. They take time with their family as well. But in general I can just see a lot of love and support there, without any kind of dependency or neediness. I see people who would never say something awful to each other.
THEN sometimes I wonder, well this is what I see.. Other people thought I had a great relationship when really everything was falling apart around me. So, I could be wrong... but what I hear and what she tells me and how they act seems strong and fantastic and that's what *I* want.
Hopefully one day I'll choose that too! I think I have always picked guys who were self absorbed so I could get sucked into their lives, or guys who I thought needed 'help' in one department or another, charity case style. I need a relationship taht's about each of us, not just one of us.
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Mmmm, I can relate.... You know what though? At the end of the day this whole thing isnt about him, what he thinks, does etc. Its how you feel about yourself.
I found when I was down and lacking confidence, anything would be OK. After working on myself for a year or so (I did a human communication course, it was fantastic) I realized that my life depended on me, not someone else making me feel happy. I worked hard on achieving the things I thought I wanted at the time, (as hard as it was) but each day I started liking myself a bit more and after some time the best fella came into my life. I wasnt even looking, and I didnt even think he was my type. He was and still is after 15years.
I hope things work out for you.
I found when I was down and lacking confidence, anything would be OK. After working on myself for a year or so (I did a human communication course, it was fantastic) I realized that my life depended on me, not someone else making me feel happy. I worked hard on achieving the things I thought I wanted at the time, (as hard as it was) but each day I started liking myself a bit more and after some time the best fella came into my life. I wasnt even looking, and I didnt even think he was my type. He was and still is after 15years.
I hope things work out for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Norma what a great thread.
When my marriage ended I also wanted to know why I picked such a bad partner. I have good taste in girlfriends...why were my romantic choices so lame!!??
I needed the help of a therapist, and that weekly work to get to the bottom of it. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted! I found a very cheap place that offered a sliding scale for payment - i think I was paying $15 a session, at a time when $15/week was a small fortune for me. But it was money well spent.
Keep asking these important and searching questions Norma...you're on the road to recovery!
peace-
b
When my marriage ended I also wanted to know why I picked such a bad partner. I have good taste in girlfriends...why were my romantic choices so lame!!??
I needed the help of a therapist, and that weekly work to get to the bottom of it. I didn't even know who I was or what I wanted! I found a very cheap place that offered a sliding scale for payment - i think I was paying $15 a session, at a time when $15/week was a small fortune for me. But it was money well spent.
Keep asking these important and searching questions Norma...you're on the road to recovery!
peace-
b
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 49
Norma, I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I eventually noticed that my exboyfriend rarely asked me questions about myself, or my thoughts.. and when he would, I was awestruck - it was so ususual. What I have learned is that I never want to be with a man who does not ask the 'little questions'. I want someone who is interested in what halloween costumes I wore as a kid, what my favourite type of plant or rock is, who asks for clarifications on my stupid stories about what I saw on the way to the bank, etc. A lack of that really makes me wonder how much he actually cared...
Which makes me wonder why I was okay with it.
For the last year, I have been working on my self esteem, my social anxiety, and have been taking better care of myself and working on areas in my life that I require improvement. It is a lengthy process, but it is working and I can honestly say I am enjoying my new outlook on life and I am much more excited about things and view the world with less fear.
I think you're asking the big questions and are admiting some very painful and honest truths about yourself and above all else honesty is the most important and useful factor towards contentment. keep going! you should be proud of yourself
Which makes me wonder why I was okay with it.
For the last year, I have been working on my self esteem, my social anxiety, and have been taking better care of myself and working on areas in my life that I require improvement. It is a lengthy process, but it is working and I can honestly say I am enjoying my new outlook on life and I am much more excited about things and view the world with less fear.
I think you're asking the big questions and are admiting some very painful and honest truths about yourself and above all else honesty is the most important and useful factor towards contentment. keep going! you should be proud of yourself
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Thank you so much ladies. I love reading your replies, it really gives me strength.
Justjo - It is all about me and my self esteem. I never, ever had a relationship until I was 27 years old and those 27 years I was soooo independent and so amazingly free and I knew myself so well. I think I went into this relationship with a "oh well, never tried it before...lets give it a go" attitude and the situation kind of caught me out and I had no idea how to deal with it.
I just really want to know that relationships can be more than this you know? That there are men that do want to know about their partners, about their favourite songs and about how they'd spend their saturdays when they were 15 years old.
Justjo - It is all about me and my self esteem. I never, ever had a relationship until I was 27 years old and those 27 years I was soooo independent and so amazingly free and I knew myself so well. I think I went into this relationship with a "oh well, never tried it before...lets give it a go" attitude and the situation kind of caught me out and I had no idea how to deal with it.
I just really want to know that relationships can be more than this you know? That there are men that do want to know about their partners, about their favourite songs and about how they'd spend their saturdays when they were 15 years old.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
This post smacked me square between the eyes. I don't think he really ever did know me, and if you look at the photo albums of our life together, I am rarely in the photos. (I am the one taking the photos.) And that's when it occurred to me that I am rarely in his mothers photo albums, as somehow in group photos I am simply cut off somehow in the photo.
Simply amazing how 24 years of a life can be spent with someone, and you realize at the very end of the day that you have touched everypart of them, gotten to know everything about them - or so you thought, and yet you remain so alone.
I am not sure how all of this happened without my noticing, but I do know that the next person I meet will know everything about me and love me for everything I am - boring, trivial, mundane or otherwise. It is all these things that make me the beautiful person I am.
Make a promise to yourself, Norma, that you will never sell yourself short again. You are a beautiful person, and you have a lot to offer. Anyone who doesn't see that is just a fool, and not worthy of your time.
Simply amazing how 24 years of a life can be spent with someone, and you realize at the very end of the day that you have touched everypart of them, gotten to know everything about them - or so you thought, and yet you remain so alone.
I am not sure how all of this happened without my noticing, but I do know that the next person I meet will know everything about me and love me for everything I am - boring, trivial, mundane or otherwise. It is all these things that make me the beautiful person I am.
Make a promise to yourself, Norma, that you will never sell yourself short again. You are a beautiful person, and you have a lot to offer. Anyone who doesn't see that is just a fool, and not worthy of your time.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 1
Hi everyone! This is my first post...I was browsing the web today looking for some sites for spouses/mates of alcoholics. I came to this forum and this specific thread really hit a chord with me and I decided to make an account so I could post a reply.
My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic and currently a few months into his sobriety. After four years of dating, my boyfriend could not tell you 2 of my 3 siblings' names.
If you had a gun to my boyfriend's head and asked him what my birthday is, he'd be a goner.
Once, when I was getting ready to fly to Ohio for Christmas, my boyfriend asked me what I was going to do with my parents over the vacation. Very sweet that he actually asked me something about myself, but heartbreaking at the same time because he and I had had 3 conversations up to that point about how my dad died when I was 18 (I'm 26). The first conversation taking place when we first met and we bonded about HOW EACH OF US HAD A PARENT WHO HAD DIED (his mom passed away from cancer a few years ago).
Pretty sad when the person you spend the most time with doesn't remember something so important and life changing to you.
Since he went sober I thought he would somehow become more aware and make more of an effort, but I actually think he is a selfish person first and an alcoholic second. Maybe that is a little harsh because he is still in the early stages of sobriety and going to AA and dealing with that, but COME ON- how many years do we need to go to Starbucks before you remember that I always get a cinnamon dulce latte?? It just irritates the **** out of me.
It's hard realizing you know everything about your mate but he knows ZERO about you...I don't know why I've stuck it out with someone who clearly has not made the effort to be as supportive to me and this relationship as I've been to him. Maybe just not really caring/noticing at first, then just being passive and making excuses for him as time went on. I am just taking MY recovery day by day and am trying to figure out if I see my bf in my future. So I just wanted to say that I can relate and I look forward to posting more in the future!
Oh and on a side note- I want to start going to Al-Anon in my area, but am kinda scared to go alone. Have any of you gone by yourself? If so, could you just send me a private message? Thanks!
My boyfriend of four years is an alcoholic and currently a few months into his sobriety. After four years of dating, my boyfriend could not tell you 2 of my 3 siblings' names.
If you had a gun to my boyfriend's head and asked him what my birthday is, he'd be a goner.
Once, when I was getting ready to fly to Ohio for Christmas, my boyfriend asked me what I was going to do with my parents over the vacation. Very sweet that he actually asked me something about myself, but heartbreaking at the same time because he and I had had 3 conversations up to that point about how my dad died when I was 18 (I'm 26). The first conversation taking place when we first met and we bonded about HOW EACH OF US HAD A PARENT WHO HAD DIED (his mom passed away from cancer a few years ago).
Pretty sad when the person you spend the most time with doesn't remember something so important and life changing to you.
Since he went sober I thought he would somehow become more aware and make more of an effort, but I actually think he is a selfish person first and an alcoholic second. Maybe that is a little harsh because he is still in the early stages of sobriety and going to AA and dealing with that, but COME ON- how many years do we need to go to Starbucks before you remember that I always get a cinnamon dulce latte?? It just irritates the **** out of me.
It's hard realizing you know everything about your mate but he knows ZERO about you...I don't know why I've stuck it out with someone who clearly has not made the effort to be as supportive to me and this relationship as I've been to him. Maybe just not really caring/noticing at first, then just being passive and making excuses for him as time went on. I am just taking MY recovery day by day and am trying to figure out if I see my bf in my future. So I just wanted to say that I can relate and I look forward to posting more in the future!
Oh and on a side note- I want to start going to Al-Anon in my area, but am kinda scared to go alone. Have any of you gone by yourself? If so, could you just send me a private message? Thanks!
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