Feeling down and looking for encouragement
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Feeling down and looking for encouragement
I've been reading posts here for a while and decided it was finally time to reach out. I want to say that even reading the posts have helped immensely. I am also currently seeking my own therapy and looking into attending al anon. I have spoken at length with 2 different friends who are daughters of recovered alcoholics. I apologize for the length of the post, but really need to vent and will try to keep it condensed.
My XAbf was so sweet and we seemed to click immediately. I of course didn't realize how much he depended on alcohol at first. He was always so sweet and caring (he seems to be one of those people that always takes care of others and likes to keep things running smoothly). We had wonderful times and he was always very affectionate and loving. He often called me the sunshine of his life and the "best girl ever". He told me stories about his mother and childhood and really opened up to me, which he doesn't do with others very often (His mother took her life when he was a teenager and I don't think he has ever dealt with this. His oldest brother is a severe alcoholic who lives at home with his father. Interestingly enough he speaks about his alcoholic brother with immense anger and disapproval). People who know him said they had never seen him like this with anyone and commented on how they were amazed at how comfortable he was with me and really opened up. (Maybe the fact that he hasn't had a "relationship" in 4 years should have been a red flag rather than making me feel special.)
Eventually, he began putting himself down saying things like he wasn't good enough for me and he couldn't take care of me, take me out to nice dinners or buy me nice things. I then realized that he was drinking more heavily and he slowly began to push me away. It ended when he broke up with me saying he just couldn't give me the relationship that I deserved. (This did seem to happen relatively soon after I mentioned his drinking and questioned it)
It was very hard at first because he has many "friends" who don't seem to notice he has a problem and completely enable him. He works at a golf course and his "golfer buds" often bring in drinks, bottles of booze or he strolls next door and gets alcohol from the bartender that he is good friends with. (He is my brother's best friend and they work together so he enables him by not making a big deal if he occasionally drinks at work and often drinks with him). Towards the end he would often make references to me about how he drank too much and should quit. He said he was damaged. (YES, so do something about it!!!!)
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily. (If he ever cared at all) Most of the stories I read on SR, it seems the A won't let go of the SO (though I guess I should count my blessings that he let me go). The intellectual side of me realizes that it is because alcohol is his love and until he deals with it (if ever) he will never have a real relationship with anyone. Of course I also have moments where I imagine he will meet someone else, quit drinking and live happily ever after. I sometimes question if the whole relationship was a sham and wonder if he ever meant any of it or cared at all. I also learned that after he broke it off with me he began a major binge and was drinking half to 3/4 a bottle of scotch each night on top of any number of beers. It's very clear that he is an alcoholic that for now is able to "function" as he has not hit his bottom yet.
I am working on ME and slowly growing much stronger and to be honest, after reading some of the stories here I feel rather silly about letting my situation affect me so much because I seem to have gotten away rather unscathed. It still doesn't negate the fact that I cared deeply about him and am now struggling with it all.
My XAbf was so sweet and we seemed to click immediately. I of course didn't realize how much he depended on alcohol at first. He was always so sweet and caring (he seems to be one of those people that always takes care of others and likes to keep things running smoothly). We had wonderful times and he was always very affectionate and loving. He often called me the sunshine of his life and the "best girl ever". He told me stories about his mother and childhood and really opened up to me, which he doesn't do with others very often (His mother took her life when he was a teenager and I don't think he has ever dealt with this. His oldest brother is a severe alcoholic who lives at home with his father. Interestingly enough he speaks about his alcoholic brother with immense anger and disapproval). People who know him said they had never seen him like this with anyone and commented on how they were amazed at how comfortable he was with me and really opened up. (Maybe the fact that he hasn't had a "relationship" in 4 years should have been a red flag rather than making me feel special.)
Eventually, he began putting himself down saying things like he wasn't good enough for me and he couldn't take care of me, take me out to nice dinners or buy me nice things. I then realized that he was drinking more heavily and he slowly began to push me away. It ended when he broke up with me saying he just couldn't give me the relationship that I deserved. (This did seem to happen relatively soon after I mentioned his drinking and questioned it)
It was very hard at first because he has many "friends" who don't seem to notice he has a problem and completely enable him. He works at a golf course and his "golfer buds" often bring in drinks, bottles of booze or he strolls next door and gets alcohol from the bartender that he is good friends with. (He is my brother's best friend and they work together so he enables him by not making a big deal if he occasionally drinks at work and often drinks with him). Towards the end he would often make references to me about how he drank too much and should quit. He said he was damaged. (YES, so do something about it!!!!)
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily. (If he ever cared at all) Most of the stories I read on SR, it seems the A won't let go of the SO (though I guess I should count my blessings that he let me go). The intellectual side of me realizes that it is because alcohol is his love and until he deals with it (if ever) he will never have a real relationship with anyone. Of course I also have moments where I imagine he will meet someone else, quit drinking and live happily ever after. I sometimes question if the whole relationship was a sham and wonder if he ever meant any of it or cared at all. I also learned that after he broke it off with me he began a major binge and was drinking half to 3/4 a bottle of scotch each night on top of any number of beers. It's very clear that he is an alcoholic that for now is able to "function" as he has not hit his bottom yet.
I am working on ME and slowly growing much stronger and to be honest, after reading some of the stories here I feel rather silly about letting my situation affect me so much because I seem to have gotten away rather unscathed. It still doesn't negate the fact that I cared deeply about him and am now struggling with it all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Hi there, Struggling13, and welcome to SoberRecovery! Congratulations on your 1st Post!
Most of your story could be mine. The wonderful start, the loving times, the gradual realization that alcohol is more important than we are to our loved one, and the leaving, wondering, and doubting afterward. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this, Struggling! I've so been there, and I so understand how painful it all is.
Great that you're working you YOU. I hope that will include Al-Anon, lots of time on SR, and a counselor. Keep posting, it really helps, and the feedback is fantastic.
HUGS (((Struggling13)))
Most of your story could be mine. The wonderful start, the loving times, the gradual realization that alcohol is more important than we are to our loved one, and the leaving, wondering, and doubting afterward. I'm so sorry you've had to deal with all this, Struggling! I've so been there, and I so understand how painful it all is.
Great that you're working you YOU. I hope that will include Al-Anon, lots of time on SR, and a counselor. Keep posting, it really helps, and the feedback is fantastic.
HUGS (((Struggling13)))
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery Family!
Thank you for taking the time to register and introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support here.
It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily.
I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling down about yourself. You did not cause the alcoholism, you could not control the alcoholism and you would not be able to cure the alcoholism. When alcohol is the priority in a relationship, it is not a normal relationship. Therefore, we don't get normal responses and solutions from the relationship.
Welcome to our world of recovery from another person's alcoholism. We understand what you are going through, so you are not alone.
Post and read as much as needed. :ghug3
Thank you for taking the time to register and introduce yourself. You will find lots of information and support here.
It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily.
I'm sorry you are hurting and feeling down about yourself. You did not cause the alcoholism, you could not control the alcoholism and you would not be able to cure the alcoholism. When alcohol is the priority in a relationship, it is not a normal relationship. Therefore, we don't get normal responses and solutions from the relationship.
Welcome to our world of recovery from another person's alcoholism. We understand what you are going through, so you are not alone.
Post and read as much as needed. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
Hi Struggling...
Welcome!! I could have written a lot of what you wrote as well. I share many of the same feelings and heard MANY of the same things from my XA .."I'm damaged, you can do better.."etc.
I also feel the same in reading many other stories here where the A isn't able to let go of the SO. Well, mine let go of me just fine. Turns out his ex wife was the one he couldn't let go of. That was an incredibly self-esteem crushing pill to swallow, let me tell you!
For months I tried to be patient (taking into account his other issues too) thinking patience was all he needed..... he never made an effort to spend time with me, but somehow still kept me on quite a hook, VERY manipulative.
Imagine how hurt I felt when BAM, all of a sudden I realize that he's NOT as isolated as he likes to make himself seem....moving his ex from out of state, in with him and taking her all over the state...posting happy pics up.
Girl...he would even blow off lunch with me!
Only in the no contact and distance have I finally been able to start to come to terms with how HORRIBLY he treated me. And how horribly I LET HIM treat me. All in the name of "love".
It is an incredibly painful journey....and he forced me to hit my emotional rock bottom. I have been in counseling and really trying to focus on ME and ask myself WHY would I EVER miss someone who treated me so poorly???
Don't get me wrong, I still cry ..a lot. Today's my birthday, and there of course is a part of me that wished he would send a text (just so I could ignore it.....because I like to think i'm turning 16.lol ...in reality 34). But of course.....nada, zippo.
And it's just a reminder that I do not want to be with such an uncaring, selfish man.
I can relate 100% to the loss you feel. That's one of the reasons I love SR so much....it is a reminder that I am not alone, and a reminder that we ALL deserve so much better.
BIG HUGS!
Welcome!! I could have written a lot of what you wrote as well. I share many of the same feelings and heard MANY of the same things from my XA .."I'm damaged, you can do better.."etc.
I also feel the same in reading many other stories here where the A isn't able to let go of the SO. Well, mine let go of me just fine. Turns out his ex wife was the one he couldn't let go of. That was an incredibly self-esteem crushing pill to swallow, let me tell you!
For months I tried to be patient (taking into account his other issues too) thinking patience was all he needed..... he never made an effort to spend time with me, but somehow still kept me on quite a hook, VERY manipulative.
Imagine how hurt I felt when BAM, all of a sudden I realize that he's NOT as isolated as he likes to make himself seem....moving his ex from out of state, in with him and taking her all over the state...posting happy pics up.
Girl...he would even blow off lunch with me!
Only in the no contact and distance have I finally been able to start to come to terms with how HORRIBLY he treated me. And how horribly I LET HIM treat me. All in the name of "love".
It is an incredibly painful journey....and he forced me to hit my emotional rock bottom. I have been in counseling and really trying to focus on ME and ask myself WHY would I EVER miss someone who treated me so poorly???
Don't get me wrong, I still cry ..a lot. Today's my birthday, and there of course is a part of me that wished he would send a text (just so I could ignore it.....because I like to think i'm turning 16.lol ...in reality 34). But of course.....nada, zippo.
And it's just a reminder that I do not want to be with such an uncaring, selfish man.
I can relate 100% to the loss you feel. That's one of the reasons I love SR so much....it is a reminder that I am not alone, and a reminder that we ALL deserve so much better.
BIG HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Struggling,
I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend who was addicted to smoking pot all the time. It got to the point where his idea of a good night was smoking and sitting on the couch all night. Of course, as you noticed, our situations aren't as severe as some of the other ones on here... I'm sure someone else would love to switch places with us... we haven't been physically abused, neglected, publicly embarassed, or even worse. But we all hurt the same in realizing that the ones we love are beyond help, realizing that there is nothing we can do to "fix" them.
The "I don't deserve you" comments are a big red flag. He has some serious issues that are fueling is alcoholism, and until he addresses those issues and works on a recovery, there is nothing anyone can do for him. Even if he stopped drinking, he would still be the same person, until he gets down to the heart of the matter and faces his demons.
Sure there is the chance that he may find someone else and be happy ever after. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It took me months to decide to finally call it quits with my ex, I worried about how he would take it, if I was making the right decision...
"just think of how happy we would be, we could be, if only he stopped smoking, and started working hard at work..."
"we fit so well together, he thinks I'm so great, he needs me to take care of him..."
"what if it is supposed to be me and him and I'm screwing it up by not working hard enough..."
"Once such and such happens, he'll be different, everything will be different"
I finally called to talk to him, try and sit down to talk, and he didn't want to. He said he knew what I was going to say, and wanted to just do it over the phone. How much did that hurt! But it also, on the bright side, convinced me that I made the right decision.
I've been there, and had those doubts... you aren't alone! The threads on here are excellent support, and alanon has helped alot for me too. I'll be thinking of you!
I recently ended a relationship with my boyfriend who was addicted to smoking pot all the time. It got to the point where his idea of a good night was smoking and sitting on the couch all night. Of course, as you noticed, our situations aren't as severe as some of the other ones on here... I'm sure someone else would love to switch places with us... we haven't been physically abused, neglected, publicly embarassed, or even worse. But we all hurt the same in realizing that the ones we love are beyond help, realizing that there is nothing we can do to "fix" them.
The "I don't deserve you" comments are a big red flag. He has some serious issues that are fueling is alcoholism, and until he addresses those issues and works on a recovery, there is nothing anyone can do for him. Even if he stopped drinking, he would still be the same person, until he gets down to the heart of the matter and faces his demons.
Sure there is the chance that he may find someone else and be happy ever after. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. It took me months to decide to finally call it quits with my ex, I worried about how he would take it, if I was making the right decision...
"just think of how happy we would be, we could be, if only he stopped smoking, and started working hard at work..."
"we fit so well together, he thinks I'm so great, he needs me to take care of him..."
"what if it is supposed to be me and him and I'm screwing it up by not working hard enough..."
"Once such and such happens, he'll be different, everything will be different"
I finally called to talk to him, try and sit down to talk, and he didn't want to. He said he knew what I was going to say, and wanted to just do it over the phone. How much did that hurt! But it also, on the bright side, convinced me that I made the right decision.
I've been there, and had those doubts... you aren't alone! The threads on here are excellent support, and alanon has helped alot for me too. I'll be thinking of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
Thank you so much for the warm welcomes and hugs! It amazes me how much they help. I guess it's hard because he never treated me "badly" except for the fact that some of his sweet talk was probably when he was drunk, so it was probably not authentic. He is so busy trying to take care of everyone else, that I never saw an "ugly" side to him. I think that makes it even harder for me not to feel sick that he can't see how much he is worth, but that's not my place.
Happy Birthday Kittyboo, i hope it's the wonderful day you deserve
Happy Birthday Kittyboo, i hope it's the wonderful day you deserve
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 5
I also want to say that I have really benefitted from the reading suggestions that have been offered. I read "Codependent No More" and have just started reading "Under the influence". Reading this helps me understand and feel more "normal". Thank you again SR members for helping me get by 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by struggling13 
My XAbf was so sweet and we seemed to click immediately. We had wonderful times and he was always very affectionate and loving. He often called me the sunshine of his life and the "best girl ever". People who know him said they had never seen him like this with anyone and commented on how they were amazed at how comfortable he was with me and really opened up. (Maybe the fact that he hasn't had a "relationship" in 4 years should have been a red flag rather than making me feel special.)
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily. (If he ever cared at all)
I'm having a hard time dealing with this. It has completely crushed my self esteem b/c I can't help but wonder how someone could care so much about me and then push me away so easily. (If he ever cared at all)
For four years, I have said to myself and to him, I don't know how much more I can take this. I have promised myself SOOOO many times during his binges, that "This is it!" I'm going to tell him I'm out of the picture until he gets help. But then when he comes down from his binge and he's sober, I take one look at those baby blues and it's all over. I try to talk to him, he says what he thinks I want to hear ("I'm done, I'm going to stop.") but that only lasts until his next binge, which could be 2 months later, or 1 week later.
It's funny that I would always be the one who wanted to break up with him, but when he broke up with me, I was devastated! You'd think I see the blessing in disguise. I could not imagine ever that he would simply come over my house one day while I wasn't home, get all his stuff, then call me and say, "I can't your crap anymore." (HEY THAT'S MY LINE!!) He stole my thunder and it made me crazy. Why would HE leave ME? He's told me so many times how much he loves me, that "we fit so well together", that there's no place else on earth he'd rather be than lying next to me. Do I believe him? I sure as heck want to because that's how I feel about him.
My ABF's family has also said those things to me that your friends have said to you. "I've never seen him this happy. He looks so healthy when you guys are together."
My spirit is also shaken and I miss him terribly. But I'm trying very hard to keep my distance. One of the consolations is that he said to me when we broke up is that he has to be by himself in order to stop. He thinks that my being around and bugging him all the time is hindering his ability to quit. Well, if that's the case, then I will give him as much space as he needs! I always said to him and myself that I would give him up if it meant that he would stop drinking forever. So now I guess I have to put my money where my mouth is.
Stay strong, keep posting...We're all here for you.
7Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 52
Thanks for sharing!
Like a lot of others said, this too could be my story...it is very similar in a lot of ways. I know its hard to focus on yourself sometimes but just take it a day at a time and it really does get better. I think it is hard when your A tells you they know they have a problem and then get really down and then decide to end it bc in some way you feel as if you should be ending it, not your A. Well, that is how I felt anyway! But I look at almost as if he did me a favor because I was in a place where I wasn't going to give it up because I was being stubborn and codependent.
<-- me!
just remind yourself everyday that you are a great person and deserve a healthy, functional relationship. I talk to myself a lot about this! It brings me back to reality. Or I talk to one of my best friends and they remind me of all the reasons why my relationship was not healthy and what I need to do to focus on me.
Keep reading and posting! It helps me out all the time!
Like a lot of others said, this too could be my story...it is very similar in a lot of ways. I know its hard to focus on yourself sometimes but just take it a day at a time and it really does get better. I think it is hard when your A tells you they know they have a problem and then get really down and then decide to end it bc in some way you feel as if you should be ending it, not your A. Well, that is how I felt anyway! But I look at almost as if he did me a favor because I was in a place where I wasn't going to give it up because I was being stubborn and codependent.
<-- me! just remind yourself everyday that you are a great person and deserve a healthy, functional relationship. I talk to myself a lot about this! It brings me back to reality. Or I talk to one of my best friends and they remind me of all the reasons why my relationship was not healthy and what I need to do to focus on me.
Keep reading and posting! It helps me out all the time!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
My exABF told me a few weeks into our relationship, as he held up a bottle, that "beer is my best therapy". Should've run, but didn't.
I know you're reeling, because you probably believe that people are good. I do, too, but alcoholic is a drug that tends to change people, for the worse.
My pastor preached on substance abuse tonight...he's been clean for nearly 25years (got sober in prison) and he said something that really "got to me".
He knows what my ex and I have been through, and since he struggled with addiction himself, he is so "genuine" and non-judgemental...that's why I like my church.
He said..."How many of you know any stories beginning with 'When I (or he, she, they) was drunk' that ended in something positive?"
It was so true...most of my ex's..."when I was drunk" stories ended with "I was arrested, spent $50,000 in restitution, totalled the truck, got her pregnant" and so on.
I blamed myself for not loving him enough, not praying enough, not doing enough, but, hey...I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
All people have good in them...none of us is doomed. We also have free will to make choices...our exes chose the booze, over us.
Addicts of any kind hurt the ones closest to them the most...his family even thought I should be "honored" that I was getting all "the crap" from him...yay! He trusts her, she's not a party girl, we like her, she can fix him, whooo!
Not a recipe for a healthy relationship at all.
Stay strong, and all are right...this is the BEST resource I've found in dealing with MY pain, and I'm a behavior therapist, lol!
Hugs and love to you
I know you're reeling, because you probably believe that people are good. I do, too, but alcoholic is a drug that tends to change people, for the worse.
My pastor preached on substance abuse tonight...he's been clean for nearly 25years (got sober in prison) and he said something that really "got to me".
He knows what my ex and I have been through, and since he struggled with addiction himself, he is so "genuine" and non-judgemental...that's why I like my church.
He said..."How many of you know any stories beginning with 'When I (or he, she, they) was drunk' that ended in something positive?"
It was so true...most of my ex's..."when I was drunk" stories ended with "I was arrested, spent $50,000 in restitution, totalled the truck, got her pregnant" and so on.
I blamed myself for not loving him enough, not praying enough, not doing enough, but, hey...I AM NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM.
All people have good in them...none of us is doomed. We also have free will to make choices...our exes chose the booze, over us.
Addicts of any kind hurt the ones closest to them the most...his family even thought I should be "honored" that I was getting all "the crap" from him...yay! He trusts her, she's not a party girl, we like her, she can fix him, whooo!
Not a recipe for a healthy relationship at all.
Stay strong, and all are right...this is the BEST resource I've found in dealing with MY pain, and I'm a behavior therapist, lol!
Hugs and love to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Funny how it's everyone's story, isn't it? Same here. Easygoing, kind, charming, would do anything for a friend. He and our social circle drank and socialized for years. When everyone else moved on, he didn't and started causing problems. He felt the same - that he didn't have respect of those around him especially work, felt like a failure, I was better off without him. Wasn't a mean drunk, really just turned on himself mostly. And strangely enough I always felt he was very intelligent and capable, so seeing him that way made me feel like he was pretty pathetic to wallow the way he did. Made me lose respect. He never realized that he never earned respect etc because he didn't respect himself. Vicious circle.
It is amazing at how they will throw away everything in order to drink. Our love wasn't enough, nor was the birth of our daughter. Heartbreaking really. But that's what alcoholism does; it's not really personal, they're thinking really becomes distorted and the addiction propels their actions and saturates their every thought. He had the best of intentions to moderate etc, but it all went out the window after the first.
My AH has found sobriety at the moment after I asked him to leave, and we are still together and trying to recover. It doesn't work out like that for all, and it may change in future. Go to Al Anon. It will help you regain your life, your self esteem.
It is amazing at how they will throw away everything in order to drink. Our love wasn't enough, nor was the birth of our daughter. Heartbreaking really. But that's what alcoholism does; it's not really personal, they're thinking really becomes distorted and the addiction propels their actions and saturates their every thought. He had the best of intentions to moderate etc, but it all went out the window after the first.
My AH has found sobriety at the moment after I asked him to leave, and we are still together and trying to recover. It doesn't work out like that for all, and it may change in future. Go to Al Anon. It will help you regain your life, your self esteem.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Thanks everyone. We are not crazy and we are not alone. Alcoholics are charming. I miss the guy he could have been. I miss the times he could be sweet. But the darn disease is progressive. It can only be arrested. Alcohol is a solvent. It takes everything away. He would not embrace recovery. I was crazier than he was. I tried for years. I heard here......let go or be dragged!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 161
Thanks for the thread. It really helps me today to see I'm not the only one. It's been 7 months, and I still cry a lot and think of him all the time. I've been especially low this week (the additional holiday blues are kicking in which doesn't help). Today is his birthday and I saw some postings on my FB page (including one from his current enablers) that he's having his standard yearly "celebration of the anniversary of my 21st birthday" keggar tonight at his house (he gets a free keg from the local bar because he's such a good customer! How many people can say that?). Seeing it yesterday made me so depressed I just stayed in my pj's all day and cried. 
Last year we were in Mexico together and that's where I realized I was in love with him. We had such an awesome time. I thought we'd be going back there this year. It's saddens me that I'm now not invited and on the outside while someone new has my place there. It still hurts, and I'm still waiting for it to get better. I'll be emotionally better after the holidays. On top of this, my best friend called me yesterday to tell me she is getting a divorce. Not totally shocked, but she was always my rock, and it's hard to see her having such a hard time now.
Going to instead focus on friends today and go meet one in particular that had her last chemo treatment today. I need to focus on what I have and not what I don't.
Thanks for the post though. It make me feel not so alone...
Last year we were in Mexico together and that's where I realized I was in love with him. We had such an awesome time. I thought we'd be going back there this year. It's saddens me that I'm now not invited and on the outside while someone new has my place there. It still hurts, and I'm still waiting for it to get better. I'll be emotionally better after the holidays. On top of this, my best friend called me yesterday to tell me she is getting a divorce. Not totally shocked, but she was always my rock, and it's hard to see her having such a hard time now.Going to instead focus on friends today and go meet one in particular that had her last chemo treatment today. I need to focus on what I have and not what I don't.
Thanks for the post though. It make me feel not so alone...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 19
I feel with you...
Well, I could relate to everything you've gone throw: done that, been there, left-heartbroken by my guy so many times that I wouldnt belive its possible, so I really feel with you
But, on the other hand, I couldn't ave said it better myself as someone said. No matter what, You, We, Me DESERVE so MUCH BETTER!!/MORE!!
even if it hurts so much to let go..and God I don't know how many times I did (let go), got heartbroken(was pushed away from him by him) and still didn't let go(staying, always coming back,never leaving.).
We got so 'easily' stuck on the 'good times' that we forget the bad times.
that story could 've been written by me, my (x?)bf was exactly the same, in the beginning he was the best guy I ever met, did so many sweet things, shared everything with me(feelings, thoughts, emotions, opionions, about his pass and current lifesit.)that I could possibly not meet anyoen who would speak as openly as he did about his life.
I don't know how many times he tried to 'push me away', break up with me, throw me out from the apt. and so on.... but I never gave up and I always thought 'its somekind of defense mechanism' ore that he just wants to protect me from him so I didn't ave to deal with it(his drinking problem)ore that he thinks 'he isn't good enough'.. But I never gave up, I stayed(manage to stay) and now afterwards when he's sober he finnally said 'he 's so glad that I never left' and that 'he's so happy that I stayed, because he do enjoy being with me' and so on. But Sure, I got frustrated sometimes, that 'didn't I mean more to him than that? that he would throw me out so easily, even if there wasn't a problem and everything was going well. ore that he would throw me out' so easily, after being together X amounts of time(months), and that I WHO had EVEN travelled and moved from another country just to be with him.. (big RED NO flag from my side!!)and that he could 'break up' with me so easily, even when things was going well and there's wasn't a problem.just for no reasons.
he might be the 'best person' you met, but if he was, why did he change? and why didn't he stay that way, like he was when u first met eachother??
he may be the 'best person' you meet , a loyal companion, the best friend of yours......
but still,he's an alcoholic and there's one part of the brain ore the behaviour one never understands.....
although, whatever u go through, u deserve so much better than the 'mood swings' and so on......
I still compare my A(x?)bf with my other ex-s and sure I can say 'he was the best person I met', even if he did so much good,
there's still some patterns of the behaviour one never might understand. and even if he gave so much of himself back then,
why didn't it last?
it's so easily to get stuck with 'what was good', during that short and intensive period of time.. as one says 'you always remember the good times'
and we try to get stuck on that, so we forget the 'bad times', and what wasn't so so good....
and we may go through any kind of 'bad' ore 'less good' behaviour, and still only remember 'the good' times.......
so I start to ask myself/analyze myself instead, whats WRONG with me? WHAT went wrong, that I was dragged to an A. in the first place?
he ore she may be the best person in life, ore who we meet, but being attracted to someone with a drinking problem, is like asking for troubble,
so WHY am I looking for this 'troubble'? WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO this person in the first place?and what could he possible offer, than that someone without a drinking problem couldn't?
as one said.......and as my (x?)bf use to say... "That I am/was even crazier being with him(choosing suck a companion).than he was."
But, on the other hand, I couldn't ave said it better myself as someone said. No matter what, You, We, Me DESERVE so MUCH BETTER!!/MORE!!
even if it hurts so much to let go..and God I don't know how many times I did (let go), got heartbroken(was pushed away from him by him) and still didn't let go(staying, always coming back,never leaving.).
We got so 'easily' stuck on the 'good times' that we forget the bad times.
that story could 've been written by me, my (x?)bf was exactly the same, in the beginning he was the best guy I ever met, did so many sweet things, shared everything with me(feelings, thoughts, emotions, opionions, about his pass and current lifesit.)that I could possibly not meet anyoen who would speak as openly as he did about his life.
I don't know how many times he tried to 'push me away', break up with me, throw me out from the apt. and so on.... but I never gave up and I always thought 'its somekind of defense mechanism' ore that he just wants to protect me from him so I didn't ave to deal with it(his drinking problem)ore that he thinks 'he isn't good enough'.. But I never gave up, I stayed(manage to stay) and now afterwards when he's sober he finnally said 'he 's so glad that I never left' and that 'he's so happy that I stayed, because he do enjoy being with me' and so on. But Sure, I got frustrated sometimes, that 'didn't I mean more to him than that? that he would throw me out so easily, even if there wasn't a problem and everything was going well. ore that he would throw me out' so easily, after being together X amounts of time(months), and that I WHO had EVEN travelled and moved from another country just to be with him.. (big RED NO flag from my side!!)and that he could 'break up' with me so easily, even when things was going well and there's wasn't a problem.just for no reasons.
he might be the 'best person' you met, but if he was, why did he change? and why didn't he stay that way, like he was when u first met eachother??
he may be the 'best person' you meet , a loyal companion, the best friend of yours......
but still,he's an alcoholic and there's one part of the brain ore the behaviour one never understands.....
although, whatever u go through, u deserve so much better than the 'mood swings' and so on......
I still compare my A(x?)bf with my other ex-s and sure I can say 'he was the best person I met', even if he did so much good,
there's still some patterns of the behaviour one never might understand. and even if he gave so much of himself back then,
why didn't it last?
it's so easily to get stuck with 'what was good', during that short and intensive period of time.. as one says 'you always remember the good times'
and we try to get stuck on that, so we forget the 'bad times', and what wasn't so so good....
and we may go through any kind of 'bad' ore 'less good' behaviour, and still only remember 'the good' times.......
so I start to ask myself/analyze myself instead, whats WRONG with me? WHAT went wrong, that I was dragged to an A. in the first place?
he ore she may be the best person in life, ore who we meet, but being attracted to someone with a drinking problem, is like asking for troubble,
so WHY am I looking for this 'troubble'? WHY AM I ATTRACTED TO this person in the first place?and what could he possible offer, than that someone without a drinking problem couldn't?
as one said.......and as my (x?)bf use to say... "That I am/was even crazier being with him(choosing suck a companion).than he was."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Humboldt TN
Posts: 114
I know the feeling all too well; I spoke the AXBF's mom last night, and though I am glad that he is starting to realize what he lost and misses me, I still haven't called him. Of course, she and I muse over hiring an interventionist, but, with Christmas upon us and both of us working and trying to lead normal lives, we agreed last night it's best to let HIM get his head straight...we are both physically and mentally exhausted, and agreed that detaching was the best thing to do, and though we both love him so much, we can't keep letting him "rule us".
Prayers and thoughts to you all
Prayers and thoughts to you all
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Thanks everyone. We are not crazy and we are not alone. Alcoholics are charming. I miss the guy he could have been. I miss the times he could be sweet. But the darn disease is progressive. It can only be arrested. Alcohol is a solvent. It takes everything away. He would not embrace recovery. I was crazier than he was. I tried for years. I heard here......let go or be dragged!
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