sodetermined

He went to jail a week ago yesterday. This was after I broke the no contact and agreed to have dinner with him. Dinner turned into an argument that led to him knocking me around, pulling a gun on himself, and holding me at his mom's (she hadn't moved in yet) until 6am. Throughout the night, he told me I wouldn't make it out alive, that he would lock me in a well or basement somewhere so I would know what it feels like to be in jail.

I finally convinced him I wouldn't call the police, and he let me go. He even came home with me...I was willing to do anything he asked at that point. I took a sleeping pill, woke up and called a DV counselor, who convinced me to make a report.

He is looking at aggravated domestic violence and kidnapping charges. He could go to prison, it's not his first time.

I wish I could feel angry with him, but all I feel is extreme sadness, loneliness, and emptiness. I did not realize how bad off I was, even while we were apart for the last few weeks to a month, I didn't realize how even just him calling me was distracting me from ME.

I hate Christmas right now, I hate how I feel. I miss him so much (the good him), and I feel horrible that he is in jail over the holidays. There is $125,000 bond, so I doubt his mom can bail him out this time.

He tried contacting me at work, but I can't accept collect calls (nor can I on my cell phone). It's probably a very good thing. I want to go see him, but I haven't yet, and just for today I'm not. I don't want it to affect the case. Do you think it does affect the case?

ncgirl

So,
I am sorry you are going through this. I am very concerned for your safety. If somehow he is bailed out, will you be notified? Do you have face to face support where you live? If I were there, I would give you a big hug. I am glad he is away right now, so that you have time to think and regroup.

NC Girl

basIam

Hey there, excuse the editing here, but I think it is quite telling:

If you saw this from someone else, I bet your response would be: continuing:
Again from an objective point of view, wouldn't your response to this woman be:Don't you agree this is utter insanity? So now I ask you, what would you suggest for someone who's decisions are harmful to herself?

sodetermined

I have asked to be notified IF he is released...which is highly doubtful even if they do a 10%. My girlfriend said I could stay with her IF I need to.

I do understand how it would seem to someone else. I SHOULD be angry, not sad...but I am sad. I have moments where I am frightened he would come after me once he is out...but the night this happened, he was under the influence of meth, or rather coming down from meth. I don't think he will come to see me, he will have a court ordered PPO.

I have been in therapy for about a month, it just so happened my therapist was on vacation last week, and the week before my car was broken down, so I haven't had a chance to talk to her.

And it's hard...all the verbal/emotional abuse for the last almost 5 years has really done a lot of damage (I wasn't whole to start with), but I'm just now realizing HOW much damage.

basIam

Its not about how it appears to someone else, objectively - HOW DOES IT APPEAR TO YOU?

Play with me here, what would you tell this woman to do?

sodetermined

I would tell her to be strong and stay away, stay no contact....heal herself.

It's like there is no closure. It's hard, it hurts.

basIam

Hmmm, would you not tell her to take out a protective order?
Put bags at two safe locations in case she needs to make a quick getaway?

Do you believe this woman has the power to heal herself? If she did, would she not have "healed" herself at somepoint in the past 5 years?

sodetermined

Well the court will order one. I keep saying to myself he was just trying to scare me, and would never REALLY do anything. At the end of the night, well in the morning when he agreed to let me go, he told me he didn't have the "balls" to kill me.

Not by herself. Yes, she would have.

basIam

I would tell this girl "drop what you are doing and call the magistrate/sheriff and make sure they did!!!"

I'd tell this girl "anyone who thinks they know what a meth addled person is thinking or capable of is just as deluded as the meth head" ???

I would tell this girl "in the throes of a meth high, the meth head has the balls to do anything"

Ahh sanity rears it head!!!

basIam

So now, what ACTIONS would you INSIST this girl to take?

megan09

Please protect yourself; this is deranged and dangerous behaviour! Do not think you are safe from him unless he has been treated for his addiction/mental health. Use the law to get the safety you need. I know how hard it is to 'let go' but it is the kindest thing you can do for yourself and him. You CAN begin to heal yourself; give yourself a lot of space and time. Prayers for you.

Ann

Sodetermined, please contact a women's shelter and talk to someone there, a professional abuse counselor. You are lucky he didn't kill you (and himself), and it's important you make sure this never happens again.

It's not about you appearing "strong" right now, it's about staying safe, and I think speaking to a professional will help you deal with what just happened and also offer you safe alternatives for the future.

You are in a very dangerous situation, please reach out to professional help.

Hugs

Freedom1990

I still remember vividly the night my EXAH had been up for God knows how many days and he went into one of his rages. He picked up the iron bar off of a set of dumbbells and began smashing the kitchen cabinets. He was an animal.

I just stood there in the middle of the living room watching, thinking I was probably going to be next, that I should be scared, and yet I felt nothing, absolutely nothing.

Addiction is a progressive disease, and I have not one ounce of doubt in my mind that he is very capable of killing you.

outtolunch

I keep saying to myself he was just trying to scare me, and would never REALLY do anything.
[/QUOTE]


Someone tweaked on Meth is capable of anything, if not this time, well maybe next time.

What's in this, for you?

CarolD

I so hope you will take this time .....
while he is in jail....and you are safe.....
to hook into your local doemestic violence center

I too feel professional advice is the way to deal
with any physically abusive situation....

Prayers coming your way...

teke

i pray that you think seriously about the above advice. i honestly regret not listening to the advice of my family, friends and physicians yrs ago,. after my first exp. with a drug induced attack by my ah. i thought the same thing as you and he said some of the same things, made some of the same excuses too. today, i'm still declared disabled as a result of my not taking heed to the advice given and ignoring warning signs.

as his addiction worsens, so will the physical attacks. please take care of you and stay safe.

Carol Star

A friend told me if my self -esteem was better I would see he was bad for me. Stockholm Syndrome was me. I look back now and SEE. I was addicted to the drama too. I needed to run away from him as if he were the drug I was addicted to.

sodetermined

Wow. That's sort of how I felt afterwards.

During, I was terrified, and so sad, I just sobbed. When he told me he was gonna kill me, I told him to do it, told him I think about doing it myself daily but don't have the guts. Told him anything was better than living the way I am.

CatsPajamas

SoDetermined,

Living in an abusive relationship is so scary and isolating. One of the hardest things for me was to admit that our life wasn't as pretty as I had been pretending and that it wasnt as wonderful as I had told people it was. I'm a college educated woman from a good family and I had previously never experienced anything like it. I was ashamed, scared, mad and I really truly didn't know how to get myself out of what I had gotten myself in to. It took me a long time to tell anyone what was going on in our house. Some people already knew, much to my surprise. A few well meaning friends said "Wow, why don't you just leave?" Today I know for sure if you haven't been there, you don't know what that means. I was truly paralyzed in my ability to make a decision, let alone a BIG decision like leaving. My reality was so incredibly twisted. I didn't know what was true and what wasn't. I never knew what to expect. When my ex was on a good spell, our life was really good. Each time I would tell myself that it was going to be different and if I made some changes then he wouldn't get so angry, and we would just have that good life. But when the mood swings hit ~ and they always did, unpredictable in their duration and frequency ~ it was like living in a parallel universe. Sometimes I felt disconnected, like I was on the outside looking in at all the craziness... like it wasn't really happening to me.

I knew I needed to make choices and decisions but I didn't know how to start. I finally went to a counselor, and she suggested Al Anon. I went to some meetings, where I learned about taking care of myself and setting some boundaries. It was all baby steps for me, as I didn't want to rock the boat or cause any more friction which would increase the abusive behaviors. I had seen my ex beat someone up, and although he told me he would never hurt me, I was always afraid he could do that to me. His words alone could strip me to the bone and leave me in a huddled sobbing heap on the floor. He didn't need to raise a hand to me in order to hurt me.

Counseling helped, Al Anon helped. The most important thing I did was to realize that I mattered, and I had to take care of myself. My best advice is to ignore those people who don't know what they are talking about and talk to a counselor or someone at a shelter, or perhaps a domestic violence hotline. Most of us in that situation aren't able to "just leave" or we would have already done so. It takes some planning, some healing and some growth. At least it did for me.

Feel free to PM me or email me anytime. I've been thru much of what you describe, including a 5 hour S.W.A.T. team incident that fortunately ended without tragedy.

Your life can get better. And I promise there is light and life on the other side if you're willing to take a bunch of baby steps to get there.

With love and understanding,
Cats

Forum Mod

sodetermined

This is so true for me, too. The words were far worse to me. And the physical was so few and far between, and the verbal/emotional almost never left.

I will take the time to send you a pm soon.