greatscott

Hey there. New here, and fairly new to the whole addiction/alcoholism thing in general. Hoping for a bit of advice on something.

Quick background. Been dating a girl for 2 years now. She lives with me. She is daughter of a deceased alcoholic- other family members have it as well- definitely in the family. She lost her only sibling about 4 years ago. Then lost her dad a year later. In July of this year she lost her mom leaving her the only surviving member of her family at the age of 24. Tough breaks for sure. She used alcohol/pot/coke and pills to deal (or not deal) with the sister and dad tragedies. When mom died she really went into a tailspin. Got a prescription of Klonopin and along with antidepressants and consuming excessive amounts of alcohol and pot, she began losing her sense of good judgment and started driving to bad parts of town to pick up coke in the middle of the night. She woke up one day and realized the problem was over her head and checked herself into a 30 day rehab program.

She finished the program 2 weeks ago. On her first day out she began using Klonopin and after that she asked me to only give one to her "if she really needed it" b/c she didn't have the ability to control herself from taking them. That lasted a week and then I told her it was not my place to police her drug use. She is prescribed the medicine but she abuses it and doesn't just take it "when she needs it". She's also started drinking again and smoking pot. She never really intended to quit- she just wanted to go to rehab to deal with the grief in her life and now feels she is able to moderate the drinking. She does say that she will never do coke again.

I've come home from work a few days where it was obvious she was "pilled out" as I call it and I don't like being around her when she is like that. I've told her that and generally just eat dinner and go to bed if she's been using, so as to let her know that I don't want to hang out with her when she's like this. And every time I've asked her why she took the pills... if she maybe had a panic attack or something... she replies that she took them "just because." Usually she comes around at the end of the night and admits that she shouldn't have taken the pills, but she continues to take them. I don't even ask anymore but I can tell when she has.

That leads me to a couple of questions. I began going to Al Anon meetings while she was in treatment but I've only been to 4 so I'm still new to the ideas... don't have a sponsor, etc. I love the girl, but I really don't like her when she's using. Am I supposed to just accept this behavior if I really love her and realize it is part of her being an addict? Should I be calling her out on using every time I notice? Should I give her some kind of ultimatum, i.e. if I continue to come home to her all pilled out, she has to move out? I feel for the girl- she's gone through a lot... and I've stuck with her through some bad **** to this point... but I'm losing my patience. It might be easiest to cut ties altogether. We have quite a bit invested but I can't help but think she's already... just 2 weeks out of treatment... heading down the same path that got her there to begin with. Is this inevitably what is going to happen? I want to stick by her and we have a lot invested in one another, but I'm questioning whether my love for her is enough to overcome the part of me that doesn't like the user in her, if that makes sense. Any advice appreciated.

tigger11

Welcome to SR, Greatscott! Your questions will be addressed here on this fantastic website. Be patient as weekends are a bit slow. You'll find hope and healing here. Meanwhile, check out the "stickies" at the top. There's some good stuff there.

greatscott

thanks... been browsing and you're right, there's some good reading here.

hmbld

My first bit of advice is to get out NOW before she sucks you in further and drains every bit of life right out of you. But I know you won't (because I didn't and most of us don't) so I'll try and give you the best advice I can as far as dealing with it now.

First off, you don't have to accept her behavior, but what you do have to accept is that nothing that you do will or say will change her behavior. You will make yourself crazy even trying. When she's all pilled up you need to find an outlet for yourself to get away from it. Even if it's not physically (which I highly recommend) but at least mentally. Find something that will take your mind off of her. I know, easier said than done, but it is do-able.

Keep going to al-anon and keep coming here. There are a lot of folks who have been through what you are going through and can give you some great advice and just be here to listen.

Good luck, I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

Dreamer42long

GreatScott: Welcome! You'll find that this website can be addictive in and of itself. I come here several times a day, each time feeling a little bit better.

It's great that your GF went to rehab but she obviously was not ready to change anything yet. She uses her drugs of choice as her excuse and her coping mechanism. She needs to find other more productive things to replace those destructive behaviors. You cannot eliminate a habit, you have to replace it with something else. In most successful cases that replacement is AA but there are other options out there.

Continue to go to Al-anon. Don't quit doing that even if she does make an about face and get serious about wanting to get help.

I feel for you...you are in the right place...keep coming back...it really helps...

greatscott

Thanks for the reply. I've accepted that what I say will not change her behavior. I learned that the hard way with some events leading up to her treatment. I want to give her a chance to prove that she's not going to head down that same road, but I haven't seen anything that leads me to believe it's not going to happen. I was so close to breaking it off just before rehab and honestly that's the only reason I didn't. But I don't know if too much damage has been done... or if I'm just looking for problems when there really aren't any... or if I'm accurately predicting what is inevitably going to happen in the future. Have I really given this a chance- am I making a decision like this too soon? This is the stuff I'm asking myself right now. It really wouldn't be hard for me to break things off, I'd just need to man up and do it. And if I do, do I tell her I'm doing it b/c I'm afraid of what might happen in the future due to the behavior I'm seeing now? Do I not get into it? I guess those are questions for me to answer but any feedback is still appreciated.

intheknow

Great Scott, I had to do this just recently...and ended a 23 year relationship. You will know when the time is right to make a decision to move on with your life. It is like there is a switch inside of you, and at that point that the switch flips things are never the same.

I tried to have an open mind after rehab, but saw too many red flags from RAH to see the future.

husbandofacoa

Welcome greatscott. For some of us it takes years for us to accept the fact that the one we love is nothing like what we fantasize them to be. We think that we are helping them by "taking care of them" when in reality we are enabling their bad behavior. Addicts and sometimes people who grow up in families like your girl friend's, use us and play with our heads.

As hmbld stated, you probably won't take this advice; however:

The best thing that you can do for both her and for yourself is get out and let her bottom out on her own. It is the only thing that will make an addict wake up. She may not wake up even then. She certainly won't wake up as long as she has you to take care of her.

If you really care, this is truly what is best. Keep in mind that being homeless or going to jail is not the worst thing that can happen to her and that it may take these to make her want to change. She has to reach bottom to want to change.

Most of us don't take this advice. Most of us wait until our lives are completely ruined by these people before we realize that we are not helping them we are only destroying ourselves.

I know that this sounds extremely harsh. However, read through the posts on this website and go to those alanon meetings. You will see that all of these addicts behave in similar ways as do those of us who think we are helping. Your girlfriend is no different and you are no different.

Good luck.

kittykitty

Great Scott,

I whole heartedly agree with everyone's responses here, with the common thread being "get out while you still can". She is not only headed down that road again, she has already merged into the fast lane on the highway and set the cruise control. You are the same way I was... "did I give them enough of a chance? Is this something I just need to learn to love about them, and put up with?"

No.

She didn't even give her sobriety a chance... not for one second. All you can do is tell her how you feel, about her using. Asking her to stop for your sake (even asking her to stop for her sake) is not going to do either of you any good, other than opening the doors to resentment and anger. She has to be a big girl and make her own decisions, and if she chooses the drugs and booze, then you have to respect her wishes.


Good luck with whatever you decide, we are always here to support and love you! Keep going to Alanon, and coming here for support and guidance. I haven't been in my "recovery" long, but this and alanon is my lifeline, can't go a day without it. But it does get easier.

greatscott

Thanks to everyone for the replies. They sound pretty consistent with one another and reinforce what I think I've known deep down inside for a while now- that things just aren't going to work out with the two of us. The whole weekend was awkward because I'm having all of these feelings and now it's affecting how I act towards her. I'm keeping some things bottled up not really knowing how to discuss them with her. She detects that something is wrong and is asking me if I still love her, stuff like that. Of course I do but I'm having a hard time showing it when this other stuff is bothering me. We're going to dinner tonight and I've told her I want to discuss what's been on my mind and have already hinted at what it is. I'm just going to say "These things bother me. I'm concerned for you and for our relationship. I won't sit around and wait for things to get as ugly as they did prior to treatment. It's up to you how you choose to react to my concerns. I'm not going to tell you what to do- I can only tell you what is bothering me, how it makes me feel, and what I will do if this continues." That's about all I know to say at this point. I certainly don't want things to get ugly between us. If she continues to use like this then I hope she'll understand me walking away and that the two of us can leave one another on friendly terms. Thanks again for the advice so far.

Pelican

Welcome to the family Scott!

Your evening out and discussion sounds like a good place to start. Put your feelings on the table and let her know your boundaries. That is how we handle our feelings in a normal relationship. Your relationship involves an addict. Most of the normal responses of a relationship, don't happen when there is addiction in the relationship. I would get the "what do you want me to do?" and the pleading eye look after I shared my feelings and limitations. Have you got that one yet?

I learned at SR to play the tape forward. Tonight you share your feelings and limitations. If your gf isn't pilled up, how does she react to boundaries and having her issues brought to light? Her past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.

In my relationship with my AXH, he would ask what I wanted him to do, then he would say he would do just that, and I would believe him. Within, 21 days we would be back to the same old, same old. I didn't have a plan for what I would do if he went back to the same old, same old and the cycle would continue. It took years for me to end the cycle and leave. I am suggesting that you play the tape _all_ the way forward and have your plan of action set.

Cucumber2Pickle

by giving her the pills when you think she needs them you are enabling her addiction. You are making things a LITTLE easier for her bc now she has one less thing to do. Hand her the pills. If she takes them she does - but you holding on to them wont change her addiction. If she relapses its her fault and not yours. I would go to a al anon meeting if I were you - you will learn things like how to support her without enabling her - and how to know when its time to leave.

Romey4

sounds like you know what you need to do Scott. A lot of us wish we could have had that foresight and fortitude when we realized the seriousness of the problem. getting sucked into someone elses addiction is a terrible thing, and you have the power to avoid it!

good luck!

TakingCharge999

Wow, you sound like you already decided. Remember you are not the only person who can help her.

You can offer the phone # of a good therapist.
You can suggest she resorts to her religious or spiritual activities.
You can recommend the book: The Grief Club by Melody Beattie. Excellent book on coping with all kind of loss and changes.
You can wish her well.

That's all. I feel for the woman, and I hope she finds peace after so many striking events. This however does not excuse bad treatment towards anyone else.

Hugs!

OtherHalf7

Welcome Great Scott! We ladies have met a rare male counterpart! You are in a good place, and, as my therapist put it this morning I, as "a natural hero" (silly, but fitting), want to save everyone, but our loved ones have to save themselves; we can't spend our whole lives babysitting, kicking in doors, and rescuing them. I agree with the posters...offer suggestions, love her, but remember it's her choice to make, and not yours.

Hugs to you

greatscott

Thanks again for all the great replies. I guess I should be hitting that thanks button but whatever. I appreciate all the replies.

Just to clarify- cucumber, I'm not giving her pills anymore. In fact I never was. She asked me to hold her pill bottle for her and only give her one when she really needed it b/c she couldn't control herself from taking them. Once I had the bottle she never asked me for them. But I didn't feel right about that whole setup and gave her the bottle back. Told her it was her responsibility to control her drug use- not mine. And I have been going to Al Anon and will continue to go even if she is out of the picture. The best thing I have done in years was step into the first Al Anon meeting- really opened my eyes to some things.

So the talk with her last night felt rather unproductive and without any resolve. Yes, pelican, she gave me the "what do you want me to do?" comment. She kept asking me "How do I know what is going to make you upset when it comes to my alcohol/pot use? What are the limitations?" and I really don't know how to answer that. I don't feel it's my place to tell her she can't drink or smoke... and I have no idea what amount or frequency will make me upset or fearful of something worse. Am I wrong about that? If she can do it and keep control, more power to her, but past actions tell me that while maybe she is fine with a glass of wine now, it will at some point lead to ugly incidents. I dunno. She also bragged about how her pill bottle was out and she had no more. I know damn well though that she has a refill- saw it sitting in the bathroom drawer. I didn't totally call her out on it b/c I didn't want her thinking I was snooping through her drawers... which I wasn't... just needed a damn q-tip. And when I half way called her out on it "Really? Your pill bottle is empty? You didn't refill it?" she quickly backed down and deflected the conversation elsewhere.

I'm trying not to react too swiftly and give her somewhat of a chance here but it seems like what Pelican said is the same for me... what she says sounds good for a week and then 3-4 weeks later it's back to the same old. She lives with me and has very little income right now. I hate to kick her out at this time of year and there's really not much damage that can be done so I'll probably let it ride through the holidays. I know you're all probably thinking "Sucker" or whatever and that's fine- you're probably right. I did at least last night tell her she needed to be thinking about herself in terms of taking care of herself financially- she's crazy to depend on me. I'm doing fine financially but I could get killed in a car wreck tomorrow and she'd be wondering what she was going to do to take care of herself. She suggested moving out last night and I told her I thought it might be a good idea so that she could at least feel a little more self sufficient.

Glad I found this site- great advice all the way around and even if it's nothing more than venting my frustrations it makes me feel better... and definitely not so alone in my problems. Thanks again to you all.

coffeedrinker

greatscott,

you are right in that you can't "tell her", an adult, what she can or cannot do. BUT
you CAN say what YOU are willing to be around, accept, put up with. it's called setting boundaries and you will hear about that more here and at al-anon. for instance, you can say "if you ask me for money, i will say no" "if you are intoxicated, i will leave the house" "if you try to engage me in a fight, i will not participate" or whatever boundaries YOU set that you don't want her to cross. actually it sounds as if you are already starting to do this with her - what you will and will not accept. now you just need follow-through.

something i read that is interesting: you said you were ready to break things off but did not because she was going to rehab. but she really didn't rehabilitate, did she?
so now you are staying because.......?

in case i sound cold, believe me i understand. like everyone else posting here. i wish you the best - you are a fast learner