Aysha

This friggin thread title **** is aggravating!!!!!!!!
Depending on peopel was suppose to be the title.

Which is something I have done my whole life.
But not completely.
Now with no vehicle and living where I do, you have to have a vehicle.
There arent even taxis out here. Not that I ahve the money anyway.
We dont even have a police department. Its all Sheriff and Toopers.
Anyway. I had asked my cousin a couple days ago if she minded dropping me off at the Fri night meeting then comign to get me. She was like really hesitant. Then achingly said yes.
Well alot went down the night before Thanksgiving. She had a huge Lupus episode where she passes out and had to go to the hospital. All suroounding her loser punk ass b**** of a BF who left her lying on the floor, stepped over her and proceeded to cuss at her.
She had to call for help herself when she came to.
We will just say I took care of him. For now. Something I am not proud of. But it is what it is. And I would do it again. Hes lucky I didnt know about him choking her while I had the chance to get him. Because I would def be in jail right now. Dont knwo how I am not now. Who wants to tell the cops they got their ass beat by a woman? Lucky for me.
So the Dr has her on xanax because she is on the verge of a break down.
So I am not about to ask her to take me anywhere.
My aunt and Uncle are busy doing things and they are the only ones around who could help.
So what do you do when you cant get to these meetings?
I have called the hotline for rides and they said thye cant find anyone to do it.
I am praying I get into this sober house. Not only so I can focus on my recovery. But I really need to get out on my own. The more I think about it. The more I know I need to break away from this toxic codependent relationship me and my gram has. And this is my way out.
She has started with my dad again and they arent talkig again.
But thank goodness he is me after I sent him an email expalining that I didnt give up becasue I didnt get into rehab.
I have 2 appts coming up. I have a ride for the first one but still need to find one to the 2nd one. And thats the sober house interview.
I am sure I will get one. But it is hard when I am use to being able to get myself to places on my own.
I haventbeen out of bed for 2 days. I am depressed again and just feel sick and tired.
Like I dont want to get dressed or even take a shower.
This all sucks.
I know I need to just get up and do it.
But I dont want to right now. It feels like my body wont cooperate.
I feel helpless and stuck and sad and useless.

Sugah

Have you called the AA hotline, too? If you are pretty certain booze does or can take you the same place drugs have, you qualify, and in my experience, AA meetings are more prolific than NA meetings, especially in smaller areas.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Dee74

I have nothing on the AA NA side but I did fix your title Trish.
I think just getting up and doing it is a good plan for today - keep hassling people

D

Aysha

I am having some serious anger issues too.
I dont feel comfortable going to AA. I am not and never have been a drinker.
And especially after reading that one thread asleek posted about the NA guy at AA and the huge arguement that came of it. I dont think so.
I just need to be patient. I cant get to any drugs either so thats a good thing.
My life is on hold again I feel like. I had to cancel my surgery. And all I want to do is eat liek crazy.
I am glued to the freakin pitty pot. I know.
But I do take full responsibility for all of this. If I didnt go that night, none of this would have happened. I would be sitting at my job right now doing nothing and getting paid for it. I cant believe I did this to myself again.

And thx Dee. That really was pushing me over the edge. I know stupid but it was.

christin1225

I'm not familiar with asleek's post (still debating whether or not I want to look for it or if it will just get me ticked off). Anyway, like you, Aysha, I have trouble identifying with having an alcohol issue, even though I drank excessively and irresponsibly during a period of my life. I was young and I was able to put down alcohol without a problem. But, I attend AA because of NA's limited schedule in my area. I'm very open about this at my AA meetings. I attend only open meetings and, as an addict, I most definitely have the desire to stop drinking (the only requirement for AA membership). Everyone should be welcome at an open meeting. I'm grateful for my AA group. My AA friends are as much of a support to me as any of my NA friends are.

I hope that you will reconsider trying AA if you find that this period of time requires more patience than your disease will allow you to have. Even though the drugs may not be around, you could find yourself extremely miserable and feeling as though you're going out of your ever-lovin' mind. It's a place that can make the freakin' pitty potty feel like a first class, all expense paid, seat on the way to your dream vacation spot.

"I cant believe I did this to myself again." :ghug3 (I know that I'd need one of these after saying those words.)

Aysha

I dont think I will ever be comfortable going to one. I tried one time and felt so awkward. And then reading and hearing about oldtimers and what they think of NA people in AA. I am sorta a confrontational kinda person. Something I am working on. I did a huge backslide the other night. But I dont think I am ready for that yet.
I dont get urges or cravings until about the 30 month mark or more. So I am good for a month at least.
By then I will hopefully be in sober living.

BeachAngel

"I cant believe I did this to myself again." :ghug3 (I know that I'd need one of these after saying those words.)[/QUOTE]

And I am sure everyone here has shared those sentiments.

I know you feel like you are at a standstill right now but getting up, taking a shower and taking action will help. I am really hoping this sober house thing works out for you. Hang in there chickie, great things to come for you!

Just keep going and be thankful of all the things you have going for you. From here I can see you are intelligent, caring, helpful, you can read, write, and type, and I have to believe you have a set of eyes and some fingers. Start with being thankful for that and go from there. It is hard to think about what you don't have when you are filling your mind, heart, and soul with all that you do have, and more manifests from that.

I wish you well, take care, and I am glad you are here, helping others and being helped.

Warmly,

BA

thirtybubba

((Trish))

Although alcohol is what brought me to my knees, I have had a much better reception in NA around here... neither group has really asked me about my d.o.c. in a way that I couldn't think of an all-encompassing term to cover it ("serial addict" is my usual)...

Haven't done drugs for years and even though I'd get stuck for a while, I had no problem quitting them in a day... well, one after the other. But I think it's just the AA groups in the area, too top-heavy with long time sobriety and no interest in those with "less than 5 years." Again, just the area I'm sure... I've read much different things on these boards.

My favorite meeting is far away, but AA... about half of everybody there is either a heroin addict or meth addict, and identify as alcoholics. They are much more relaxed and varied--newcomers to people with decades--which is I suppose why I like them. If it helps, be vague until you get to knowing people... you may find others are in your situation, drug addicts who are going to AA in a smaller locale.

Like Christin said, as an addict you definitely have an interest in quitting drinking...


Take care,
TB, praying with you for the rehab thingy...

PS Sorry, I was trying to make it more concise but it's bedtime for TB

Aysha

Me and my gram are not getting along at all. She blames me now for her and my dad not talking. She is mad that I asked him to take me to my interview to sober living. And she is just being a bitch. I dont know wtf her problem is lately. But she is being like that with alot of people. Like mean and attitude. Its like she gets when she is drunk, pops off at the mouth. But she isnt drinking. She has been very forgetful lately. She asked me the other day if 4am was morning or night. She will ask me something and I answer her 2 times even then ask me again like she didnt hear me when I know she did. I am worried. And now I am worried about leaving her alone now.
I know I need to do this for me. But my worst fear is that something will happen when I am not here. I just dont know anymore.
Its like I am stuck here.

gerryP

Hi Aysha,

Try to look at all these issues as "snags" that will get worked out as you navigate around them and you will if you persevere. I like what Dee said, "Keep hasselling people."

I know from my AA days, some meetings had announcements....Maybe you could go to the Secretary table before the meeting and ask that he/she make an announcement about desperately needing a lift to and from your location in order to continue making meetings.and you can put your hand up.

There isn't anything you can do to change the dynamic of your family Aysha, so keep your eye on the target and keep moving forward in your pursuits.

Good luck with everything Aysha.

Dee74

IMO it's not your responsibility - not right now. It's like they say Trish - put the oxygen mask on yourself first or you're no good to anyone else anyway.

D

Liberty47

This may not be construed as positive but I am going to spit it out...I am an alcoholic but I am first and foremost an opiate addict. The NA in my town is CRAP. "Old-timers" hanging all over newcomers, sexual predators and no one cares to do anything about it- (NOT the case in AA around here)- and people running drugs right out in the open during meetings. Perhaps because of this, there are very very few AA meetings where alcohol is talked of exclusively- as far as I'm concerned, if its not a closed AA meeting I have every right to talk about drug recovery- if I am ever questioned I cooly tell whoever it is about the status of NA in this town and tell them that NA here IS NOT a safe place for addicts so where should I go....I know we don't know each other well Aysha, but I've lurked here for years and seen your struggles- I say this with kindness, although it may infuriate you, if you are really willing to go to any lengths this time would checking out ONE AA meeting as an experiment really be the worst thing? You have so many people here who care about you and are devestated when you go out.....

christin1225

I don't know the age of your gram, Aysha, but she could be showing signs of Alzheimers or another neurological process. But, as Dee so eloquently said, "put the oxygen mask on yourself first..." WOW! How true that is!

Of course, my diseased thinking would try to convince me that I would be a bad person if I were to "put the mask on me first". That's why it's important to seek out wise advice before deciding what the right thing is. Reading this thread, I believe that wise counsel has been given here.

I think that it speaks volumes to your character that you feel a sense of responsibility for your gram. But, here's where it gets tricky... How best can you live out that responsibility? Doing it yourself is not always the best answer to that question. I know that your present turmoil is making you feel as though you don't know what to do anymore. But, you do know, Aysha. It's just that it can easily get lost in all the fear. So, I put it in bold for you. :ghug3

Aysha

I know and thanks.
I have made a huge hot mess of my life all over again in one night. It has been a mess for years. Its hard when you finally relize just how screwed up it really is. And even more when you see that everything isnt going to be ok and it cant just be shrugged off anymore. These issues need to be addressed and in the right way. I cant pretend like its going to be all better just because I think that was the last time. It isnt the last time if I dont get help. It never will be until I do.
I think it gets really stessful for everyone around this time of year. My gram and my dad are stressing me out, putting me in the middle of their BS. My cousin, I cant even go there anymore. I am taking on other peoples drama and I need to just stay out of it and focus on myself. Its hard when you want to be there for everyone, but I cant even hardly deal with myself right now. I feel like I am going to lose it.
My anger is escalating and its all too much now.
I just need to hold on until I get to that dang interview. Lord help me keep my cool.

Rusty Zipper

trish no trish, your stressing yourself out, by allowing them to let it get to you...

thats the stuff good recovery teaches us to handle,

and i might add, a Power Greater then self...

i pray you find some long term program somehow...

xxooxxoo

Rusty Zipper

oh, and cancel the subscription to the Drama Daily

it will save you a lot!

Aysha

LOL..That made me smile. I wish it was that easy. It just keeps getting worse and worse. I dont even want to get into what I woke up to this morning. I have completely had it. For once it isnt my BS causing all this. I am trying to run for the hills as fast as I can.

vegibean

Trish, I am so close to where you are at today, different matter, same thoughts.

My new mantra for now "Change a thought, move a muscle" and I FORCE myself to do what I have to do. I will give myself a minute to do some sulking and then I have to get my @ss up and get moving. I feel like hitting something, I totally relate. Last night on the way home from work I screamed as loud as I could until my head hurt. Just to get out the frustration.

I know it will get better. Two years ago I felt the same way and I fought through all the crap, I was at the bottom and climbed to the top. My goal is to do that all over again. It's for MY greater good!! I f-ing deserve it!!!

What adds to it is other people in my life have ATTEMPTED to suck more life out of me asking for "help". I am able to say no. Enough is enough and I feel ya today Girl.

Get it out, keep venting, my support is always here for ya.

Aysha

I am just not even talking to anyone anymore or going near anyone unless I have to. Its hard when my whole family has put up with me all these years and sacrificed so much for me and I fall apart at the drop of a hat when they are going through it.
It is just really bad timing right now. I am very unstable mentally, emotionally and getting to be physically.
I am not on the right meds and going tgrough that "Do I really need them anyway" thinking.
I got up today and did landry, got my MP3 on so I dont have to hear anything or anyone. LOL
Cleaned up some stuff. And now I am about to go through some stuff that I may need when and if I move to sober living.
MP3 is my best friend today. I am just tuning everything out. Brilliant!

endzoner

Trish hugs , tho Ive never been on meds and that , but i do read alot around here , and they do take time.. i know you want things to happen now and such but fact is it does take a lil time for your body to adjust to things .. so keep the Mp3 jamming and let the meds work for you .. ~ huggles Endzy~