justagirl78

Hello all. New to the forums. I found it last night was I was researching. Looks like a great resource full of lovely people. Happy to have found it.

My history...

I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic. We’ve been together for just over 1.5 years. At first, I had no clue about his alcholism. I was just getting out of a marriage and was in total party mode. So, spending too many nights at the bar was normal - that’s where we met. I’m not going to lie, I like to drink myself, but it is controlled and is not something that controls me.

Upon meeting, he knocked me off my feet. I couldn’t believe I’d met such a wonderful guy that could make me feel like a woman, that could make me laugh so much and make me feel whole almost instantly. I often wondered if it was a dream. This guy, interested in me? Seriously? He’s the classic brunette, blue-eyed charmer with the looks to boot.

Shortly into the relationship, things seemed off. He was possessive quite fast and I was like WTF? Even though I wasn’t in the most perfect marriage (just not compatible, nothing abusive or anything), we had complete trust for one another and allowed each other the freedom we all need to feel. So, to see this possessiveness threw me off guard.

Then, one day (maybe 1.5 months in), his “uncle” told me he had FASD (Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder). Basically, his maternal mother (he’s adopted) drank throughout her whole pregnancy and likely took drugs. Sadly, the FAS wasn’t found until he was 28 (he’s now 33) and after spending 10 years of being in and out of prison. He somewhat started to get his life together 2 years ago when his parents entered his life again - they pretty much abandoned him once the prison trips took over his life - and many will argue I helped change his life.

Of course, the FAS threw me up a wall. How could this most perfect man be “damaged”. I felt ripped off! From the start of our relationship, he’s be telling me lies. Some will argue, this lies are due to the FAS (they are known for being the best story tellers) but in part, I also think it’s just the con man in him AND a severe case of insecurity. He has to make himself “better” by making up a life he doesn’t have. Make sense?

Anyway, I think I’m digressing... let’s fast forward a bit.

I woke up on day realizing he was an alcoholic. I tried to help but just ended up giving up and later enabling (i.e. he’ll come to the bar with me). I’ve been enabling for months. But I do realize that I’m not at fault for that. He’ll drink whether it’s with me or not. So at the time, I figured better he drink with me than by himself in a bar where he will likely get into trouble. The stories get more elaborate the more he drinks so when he is with me, at least I’m there to steer them back to the truth. I have no issue calling him out on a lie.

Overtime I’m realizing I’m “mothering” him. Cushioning him from his actions. Trust me, he’s created havoc in many peoples lives but I’ve always taken him back and protected him.

And yes, there has been both mental and physical abuse in the relationship. I know I’ll sound like the “dumb chick” when I say it’s not really him, but I truly don’t think it is. He’s just got it in his head it’s acceptable. Now please don’t think it happen religiously, it doesn’t, but I also know once is too much too. Sorry, I’m all over the place I know.

Anyway, let’s move forward some more (our story is long and complicated)....

He’s currently on Day 4 of a binge. He came home from work on Tuesday night completely shittered - couldn’t even take his own clothes off. The next day he doesn’t go to work and “has to go out” and will be back in 1.5 hrs. Doesn’t happen. Hours go back and my flags go up. So, I basically left and have no contact since. Of course, I’ve received the emails, calls blah blah with threats and saying I’ll only calm down once you talk to me. But I won’t. I will no longer allow him to think he will not be held accountable for his actions. Right now, his binge is all my fault as are his current actions. I know this is bull and I’m sticking to no contact until I see him crash and burn. I fully intend on letting him hit rock bottom this time with no help from me.

Until that happens, I won’t conceive taking him back. I’m no longer going to be his excuse for drinking, for poor behaviour etc. I know I should probably let him go, but I’m not ready just yet, I love this man to death. That’s what makes it so hard. But, I also love myself and need to see if I can balance that. We’ll see. Am I nuts?

Things are just so much more complicated due to the FAS. It really is brain damage and while that doesn’t give him a “free pass” if is something he didn’t chose nor to some extent, can control. Am I just making excuses for him? We’ve had a huge fight to get him where he is today and I’m just not ready to give up. I know this post may not seem like he’s a great person, but trust me, from what I’ve heard of him before me, he’s come forward leaps and bounds. Ugh, I feel like I’m making excuses again.

Sorry for the ramble. I know this post is all over the place and likely full of grammer/spelling errors.

yukonm

Hi justagirl,
I am glad that you found us. Please take time to read the different posts and spend some time reading the information at the top of this forum. There's tons of stuff here. I am sure that someone will chime in soon, keep posting. You will be in my thoughts.

Pelican

Welcome to the family!

Pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home!

You will find lots of information and support here for yourself.

You do seem all over the place with your thoughts. You know unacceptable behavior is unacceptable BUT (big buttttt), you justify the unacceptable behavior every time. That leads to a state of confusion.

In most of our situations, we love(d) our alcoholics. They had a warm, loving side. I kept hoping my A would come back to the warm, loving guy IF ONLY.......(insert magical thinking on my part).....when infact, my reality was this was as good as it gets. Until I was willing to accept reality as truth and understand that:

I did not cause my A to become addicted
I could not control my A
I could not cure my A

I remained confused about my relationship. The reality (minus the excuses) was not how I wanted to spend my one precious life. I have to live and let live. For myself, I choose not to try to rescue another adult whom is capable of taking care of themself.

isurvived

Welcome.

I'll be frank, perhaps painfully honest. You ARE making excuses for him. Tons of them. So what if he has FAS - should be all the more determined to stay away from alcohol for that reason.

The drinking, along with the verbal and physical abuse does not make for much of a future filled with happiness, does it? Is that what you want?

These people seem to fill certain needs we have, they fill those cracks that we long for, and need. We are usually pretty good caretakers, warm, soft, forgiving and loving people. Perhaps that is why they gravitate towards us too.

Life is complicated, and life with an alcoholic is life on a merry-go-round you can't stop.

Point is: Is this what you want out of YOUR life? You have the power to make that choice.

Problem is: These choices are black and white. The emotions attached are all very colorful.

I'm sure you'll find good advice, and many many testimonials from those of us "who've been there".

sclarke64448

Hey Justagirl I'm glad you found this forum. You will meet many wonderful people on here who will share their experience with you and in time you will find it will give you strength to carry on. You are absolutely right to go no contact! Do NOT go back on that! I kept going back to my xabf and taking him back. Worst thing I ever did - repeatedly!

With regards to your quote above, earlier this year my xabf was in prison for six weeks. He had been on the run (for stupid things like non payment of fines, not showing up in court, etc, nothing serious) for two years. He is a daily drinker. The letters I have over that six weeks, and the one time I went to see him, I thought 'This is the real him'.

But the one thing SR members told me, and they are right and have been since proven right, is that was never him. That was him in a false scenario. He was taken away from the alcohol and couldn't access it. The real him is the him who spends all his money in the pub within two days of getting paid his dole money, the real him is the him who never wants to work (he only ever worked for a few weeks for a friend in the three years I was with him and that ended because of a row - which he probably deliberately engineered so he wouldn't have to work any more!' The real him is the him who told his housemate he couldn't be bothered with his own children. The real him is the him who sponges off people and uses them until some other poor victim comes along. He is alcohol and alcohol is him. Prison just gave me a glimpse of the person he could be if he wanted to, not the person he is.

I would have still carried on in my deluded way, had SR members not have taught me that!

Good luck!

justagirl78

Thanks everyone for your words. I appreciate the kindness and honesty.

I know I am making excuses for him. But how do you let go of that hope things can change? I'm a fighter by nature and I'm not ready to say I lost this fight. But perhaps the only person I'm fighting is myself.

So confused.

smacked

It isn't your fight to win, hun. You don't have to stay in an abusive relationship to show that you have 'hope'. Hope away! From a distance that protects you physically, mentally, and emotionally. It doesn't seem as though he is interested in recovery, or sobriety.. but maybe one day he will be. You don't have to take that ride with him..

If he's coming home from work drunk, and going back out.. is he driving after drinking? Call the cops, maybe you could save someone's life.

If your best friend/sister/daughter came to you and told you that she was being mentally and physically abused by an alcoholic who has spent most of his adult life thus far in prison.. that has no plans for recovery or treatment.. what would you tell her?

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR! I have one little favor to ask of you. I am sitting here with trifocals on and still had to squint hard to read your posts. Any chance you could use just a wee bit larger font for those of us with less than perfect vision?

My EXAH was abusive, and I can only say I was lucky to make it out alive. I made all the excuses I could for him, and then some.

I suggest you look into Alanon meetings in your area. There you will find face-to-face support among others who understand. Please, please consider contacting a domestic violence center and inquire about some counseling for yourself. I only wish I had known about such resources back when I was with my EXAH. Two excellent books to read are "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, and "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood. They were both real eye openers for me.

Again, welcome to SR, and know you are among friends who care.

Dreamer42long

Welcome Justagirl!

You sound just like me when I first discovered this forum. I didn't want to give up on him, I wanted to believe that there was that ONE thing that I would say to him that would be the magic bullet so to speak and he would say, "OMG, you're right! I'm going to get help right now!!" It's so so hard to accept that there is no magic bullet, only THEIR decision to commit to active recovery.

My ABF's mother was an alcoholic when she was younger. She raised 8 kids with a husband who's job required him to travel and be away for years at a time, so basically he was not around that much. She used alcohol to cope. Her brother (my ABF's uncle) was also an alcoholic who ended up dying of the disease. My ABF uses the excuse that it's in his family, it's "in my blood". You'd think he'd know that he just had to work harder to avoid being an alcoholic (like all his siblings who are not), but he takes the easy way out. Your ABF who has FASD is just using that as his excuse to take the easy way out.

Like all the others above me say, pull up a chair and a keyboard and stay as long as you like! This forum is truly healthy medicine for all of us. We need each other ...

justagirl78

Thanks again everyone. I'm taking in all that you are saying and trying to process it. I'm surrounded by people that know J very well (his family) and am safe/protected.

We are just hoping he can get him off his binge without hurting anyone (no he doesn't drive) and we can get him into rehab (of his own decision, I know forcing him there is pointless).

As this point, I have broken the pattern by having no contact. Sure, this is prolonging the binge but I'm sticking to my guns. Whether we'll still be together is all up for debate and a question I know I don't have the answer to just yet. Mind is too fuzzy.

BrandiSue

My XABH was also adopted and always felt one of his parents was an alcoholic. He used this excuse for pretty much ever.

You remind me of me when I was making excuses for him. I had a really good friend set me straight and sent me this: I later found it posted on this site. Read it. It's something that I actually keep in my wallet.

My name is ---- and I am an alcoholic. This is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behaviour. You can not make me treat you any better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about is my needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to me. Something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth because it is impossible for someone who is an active alcoholic. I wouldn't be drinking if I loved myself. Since I don't, I can not love you. My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my alcohol that I could be considered a sociopath. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat and steal from you. My behaviour will not change and can not change until I make a decision to stop drinking and follow it up with a plan of action. And until I make that decision I will continue to hurt you over and over again.
Stop being surprised. I am an alcoholic and this is what alcoholics do.

justagirl78

I really have to stretch my imagination to believe he doesn't love me. Despite what he's done. The reason I find it hard is there are obviously many recovering alcoholics out there living their lives successfully. Do only those on the road to recovery deserve help? Deserve love? Deserve the benefit of the doubt that they can love in return? I just wonder if it can be this black and white. So, he hasn't loved me for the last 1.5 years? I do not believe that. I've seen him at his best, worst, crying like a baby for help. This is where I keep stumbling when I read these responses.

And I'm not rejecting the responses. Just trying to understand.

BrandiSue

I felt the same way you felt. I knew he loved me. I just knew he did. I still sometimes believe that he does. Yet he drinks even on his death bed. I hate it.

I could have written your post a few months ago....every word of it.

Dreamer42long

I agree with BrandiSue. I really believe that my ABF loves me.

We were together 4 years when we got out of high school. We were each others "first love". 24 years later, we reunited and have spent the last 4 years together. Only this time, I found out 6 months into the relationship that he's an alcoholic (I guess he never grew out of the party mentality like all the rest of us did when we grew up). My point is that when we got back together, he told me that he never stopped loving me (as I never stopped loving him either). We vowed this time to get it right, but alas, I found out the hard way that I was competing with his other true love, alcohol. But I do believe that he loves me. He just doesn't know how to deal with a human relationship.

Maybe that's dumb and naive, but I think there are degrees of emotion. I don't believe it's all black and white. My BIL is 25 years sober and my sister and he have an excellent relationship.

DesertEyes

Hello there justagirl, and pleased to "meet" you

Slow down. Take a deep breath. _nobody_ has said he doesn't love you. nobody. The issue you have to look at is what _else_ does he love in addition to you? Look at his actions, and not his words, that is the best way to know what he loves.

easy does it. This is _not_ about love. Not at all. It's about a chemcial addiction. A _medical_ disease.

I'm taking a guess here, so tell me if I'm wrong. I think you somehow expect your love to cure his medical disease. If that is the case, then you simply have a lack of information about the _disease_ of alcoholism.

Let me give you an example. I have a heart condition. There is no cure for it, it's progressive, and if I don't get run over by a truck it will eventually kill me. My doctors have told me I can _never_ fly an airplane. Not ever. No discussion.

Suppose I get into an airplane anyway. Suppose I decide the doctors are wrong, throw out my medicines, quit going to my therapy, and get in an airplane and fly away. Suppose I have a heart attack in that airplane and crash it, killing several people on the ground.

Suppose I _still_ ignore my doctors, get in an airplane _again_ , fly away and kill even more people when I crash.

Does that behavior mean I don't love my kids? Don't love my g/f? No, it has nothing to do with love. Does that behavior mean I love flying _more_ than I love being responsible? Yes, it does. It means I am irresponsible, undependable and a danger to others.

Can my g/f love me enough to stop me from flying? Nope. I am not suffering from a disease caused by lack of love. I am suffering from a disease caused by excess of ego. Somebody needs to lock me up and not ever let me close to an airplane again. And maybe if I demonstrate the appropriate behavior they just might think about letting me out of jail someday.

It's _not_ about love, justagirl. It's about a medical disease fueled by ego.

Take a little time to read the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. Read about "detachment with love", and "boundaries". There _is_ a lot of things you can do in order to help him get sober, but they're not whad you'd normally think to do. That's why it takes forums like this one, and meetings of al-anon to help us figure out the _right_ things to do, instead of the normal things to do.

Mike

Dreamer42long

Could someone please tell me how to get to these "stickies"? I've heard them mentioned many times, and I thought they were the yellow rectangular links at the top with the days of the week on them, but everytime I got there, it says that their is nothing posted there.

??

Freedom1990

When you first come to the Friends & Family of Alcoholics board, look at the first 8 or so topics at the top of the board. Those are permanent and very informative threads called stickies.

Pelican

Hi again, I'm Pelican and I'm a recovering alcoholic. I am also a recovering codependent and recovering from a marriage of 14 years to an active alcoholic.

The only people that could help me with my addiction to alcohol were: myself, other recovering alcoholics, professional therapists trained in addiction, and medical personnel trained in addiction. I first needed to wrap my head around the fact that my body, mind and soul were addicted to alcohol. Then I had to learn new behaviors to keep from picking up each day. Then after I got a little sobriety under my belt I had to start learning new coping skills to handle life on life's terms.

During the process, it was nice to have support from friends and family as they were encouraging. But the only people that truly understood what I was going through were other alcoholics with more sobriety than me. I needed someone who understood and wouldn't buy into my BS if I tried to sell some crap instead of owning up to my own responsibilities. That's one of the ways this forum helped me!

That's how we can help you. We understand what it feels like to love someone who is addicted to alcohol. We understand what it feels like to want to help someone get better. We understand what it feels like to want to help someone more than we are helping ourselves (codependency). That is why Alanon meetings and this forum will guide you in looking out for yourself first. Picture this: when you take a trip via airplane the pre-flight safety tips from the attendants. The flight attendant will instruct you in the event of emergency to put your oxygen mask on first before assisting others with their oxygen masks. We can't help others until we take care of ourselves first!

With alcoholism, we need to learn to respect, love and honor ourselves with healthy boundaries and detachment when necessary.

You are currently doing something healthy (and difficult) by going no contact with an active alcoholic. Good on you!

Keep on keeping on!

DesertEyes

Look here



Mike

onlyliveonce

I believe my EXAH loved me in his own little sick way but the problem was he didn't love himself. I don't believe he was capable of giving me the love I deserved. I didn't want to love him to death because you can do that so for today I have detached with love and divorced him also I still pray for him everyday but it's all out of my control. I do what's best for ME and SON and things will be ok cause we will be ok. It' a hard road to tow, we were married for 18 yrs. but I learned valuable lessons along the way that will help me in the future make better choices of a mate. It will all happen when it's meant to happen.