Dreamer42long

I stayed away from ABF for 4 weeks. I felt great at first, but then more and more depressed (crying, crying) every day because I missed him terribly. I called his mom one day just to chat about things. (She’s the ONLY one that I can talk to about him. No one in my family knows about his drinking as do none of my friends. His mom is my only confidant.) Anyway, she said that he’s been very “good” (meaning sober) and has been working hard and suggested that I call him. Well against my better judgment I did (mistake 1). He was sober, glad I called and asked if we could get together that weekend. Again, against my judgment, I said ‘yes.’ (mistake 2) Well we got together last Sunday just for some takeout and a movie at his place. He was his normal, sweet, kind self. I was so relieved that he had not been drinking. When I left his house that I night I asked him if he had T-giving plans and he said no. I invited him to my sister’s house and he said he’d like to go. He called me Monday and Tuesday, both times sober and I was relieved. He invited my daughter and me to his house on Wed for pizza and a movie and I figured that would be great because then I knew he wouldn’t cancel at the last minute on me on T-giving (because of drinking). Well low and behold, he calls me at 3pm on Wednesday asking me “Where are you?” and I said I was about to leave work. He said (in an agitatedly drunk voice), “Well I’m going to stay in tonight so I don’t want you guys to come over, but I’ll still go with you to your sister’s tomorrow.” I was devastated and I said, “No that won’t work for me.” He said, “I really want to go with you.” But I again said, “No, that’s not gonna work.” He said, “Well OK.” Then hung up. Now comes the really bad part. I stopped at his house on my way home from work. (mistake 3). When I walked in I was calm and just wanted to talk (big mistake, I know). He immediately started accusing me of cheating, screaming at me, telling me that he KNOWS I’m lying. So I lost it. (mistakes 4, 5, 6, 7…..) That’s when the arguing, screaming, throwing things started. We were both screaming at each other so much, my mouth went dry and I started choking. I drank some water and kept at it….and at it….and at it. I BEGGED him to go down to the liquor store, buy 2 bottles of vodka and just put me out of my misery. “Please!” I begged him. “Please just get it over with!” I was crying, screaming, throwing fists in the air and the finale came when I took the small 3 ft Christmas tree he put up and I sent it flying across the room. I could hear the ornaments breaking as it sailed across the floor. I left and completely broke down in my car. When I came home I then made the ULTIMATE mistake of calling him to tell him that I didn’t want him to kill himself. He continued screaming at me over the phone telling me that he’s sick and tired of me "...pressing your G*# D@#$ thumb on my neck, trying to control me all the time!!" and hung up. (I'll give him that.)

Why do I allow myself to get this way? I know this is the EXACT reason I should stay away from him when he’s drunk. I know that his drinking brings out the worst in him, but it also brings out the worst in me! I have never in my life, been this way. EVER. I’ve been married twice before (neither one an addict) and have never so much as raised my voice, but there’s just something about my ABF that sends me over the edge. Knowing how I get around him truly makes me afraid of what I may be capable of. I need to see a doctor, but in the meantime, this forum is my only connection to keeping my sanity.

Carol Star

My therapist never stopped me from interacting with my xah. She said there was something I hadn't learned yet. I overreacted because that was the norm in the house I grew up in. In alanon I learned not to talk to him when he was using. I was addicted to the drama. I never learned to cope. Growing up you yelled,threw things, got hit, and sometimes I would do a fight or sometimes I would do the flight. We divorced and now I am in alanon and coda meetings. He still uses. We love each other but I can not live like that.

Kittyboo

Oh Dreamer, i'm sorry for how you are feeling.

Sometimes its so easy to just let our emotions get the best of us. I've had that happen too...more than I would like to admit.

I completely lost it a couple of times towards the end of my friendship with my A. I was emotional, irrational, and really let my insecurity shine through. Of course, I look like the "crazy" one and he comes of clean as a whistle.
But we only react to the situations we are faced with. I reacted because I FINALLY knew mine was lying, and it rushed out of me. He of course denied it.....but he's a liar, and that's all I know.

I think when you're hoping something won't happen, but when you expect it too, that can often cause the most emotional reactions. We are holding it all inside, but knowing, just knowing that we are going to be disappointed...then when we are, it's I TOLD YOU SO!

It's been almost 2 months since I last "lost it"....i've gone no contact. And there is a little bit of pain everyday. But I can't change what's been done and said. And inside, I know I had every right to express my feelings, though maybe in a different way. I wish that when I realized everything I could have just called him, said good luck and I don't want you in my life anymore. But that's not how it happened.
Any way it happened, he's not in my life anymore. And though there is pain about that, that is what is truly best for me.

Don't be too hard on yourself for how you reacted. It's done. And you take it from this point, and start to learn to manage your emotions. Try not to put yourself in situations where you know it is likely to interrupt your peace.
Sometimes, I still think....MAYBE I should unblock him now from facebook...i'm getting better. I don't want to be with him. But you know, the pain is really still there, and within seconds i'm like why would I do that to myself!? I have maintained no contact for this long, I will not start over!
And one day, the regret will pass.....and it will be a lesson and a distant memory.

And if being around someone tends to bring out the worst in you, and not the best, then it's probably time to go no contact, and balance your thoughts out.

BIG HUGS- and really, don't be hard on yourself. Take this lesson and apply it to the future.

kittykitty

Hi Dreamer,

I'm so sorry you are in this position, and I pray that you have the strength to determine what is best for you and your health, well being, and sanity. Do you really think that a doctor is what you need? If no one else has brought this out in you, this anger, this side of you that you don't like, maybe you need to re-evaluate the relationship, and determine whether it is a safe place for you to be. And more importantly a safe place for your _Child_ to be. When things get violent, (throwing things, destroying possessions) it's only a matter of time until they get worse, especially when someone is intoxicated.

If you are really that frightened of who you turn into when you are with him, then why do you stay with him? If someone brings out the worst in me, I try to stay as far away from them as possible, especially since I am so early in my recovery. Alanon has helped me alot, to realize my roles in enabling, the result of my attitudes and reactions towards the alcoholic, and coming to terms with the fact that I am powerless to affect them in any way. I turned into a horrible person when I tried to influence or "deal with" my AF (and my Substance abusing boyfriend, who I am no longer with)... controlling, manipulative, depressed, angry. Now I know I need to worry about myself, and I now go out of my way to steer clear of the problem people in my life until I get a better handle on my reactions and attitudes. I still love and support my AF, but from a safe distance with my needs and feelings coming first.

I hope this helps a bit, and I hope you find the answers that you seek.

Dreamer42long

to the 2 Kitty's: By doctor I mean a therapist to talk to to get to the bottom of why I react this way. I don't come from a violent family, and have never had violence in my life (luckily). It only rears its ugly head when he drinks.

When he's sober, we are both calm, loving and blissful. Completely opposite of how we interact when he's drunk. Simply put, his drinking makes me crazy, and I know it's because I feel a total loss of control. That's what I need to work on...getting rid of the codie in me.

Kittyboo

so are you saying that you want to find a way to stay with him and be able to accept his drinking?

If his drinking is an area of contention, I don't know if that can be done. Though there are many who dettach with love. I'm no expert at that though.

Why do you want to settle for having to deal with something that makes you so uncomfortable?
Forgive me if I misinterpret.

Carol Star

Trying to find love from an addict is like looking for bread in the hardware store.. They don't love themselves. They love the drug. I was jealous of his beer. I used to call it "Miss Lite"......Natural Light.

LovetoLaugh

Hi Dreamer,

I'm sorry your feeling so bad about what happened but I can relate to every word you've written. I am new here but in a similar situation with an XABF.

I have been disgusted with myself more times than I care to admit about my behavior in this relationship. I have yelled and shouted incredibly hurtful, vile things in response to some of his nonsense always wondering when I became this type of person.

We just always seemed to get under each others skin in such a negative way, although his interpretation was that because we always came back to each other after treating each other so badly that "there must be something really there"!

I have had absolutely no contact for 9 days (he has not attempted to reach out to me either). I mention this because it should have been longer than that but in a moment of weakness last Tuesday after having no contact we had a great conversation that he initiated and I really felt heard. It involved him wanting to come over and do something for me. I told him that i wouldn't see him if he was drinking and I didn't want him near my home if he couldn't show complete respect to me. He agreed and said that he's ashamed of his behavior and he would have to "Live with that for the rest of his life". Blah, Blah!

He came on Wednesday and saw that I had hired somebody to do a small job on my house and went nuts. It was something that he felt he should have done for me. It immediatey turned into a screaming match on both ends, his reaction was completely over the top but rather than walk away I contributed my own craziness to it. It just left me feeling sick inside!

Our whole dynamic is like this sick dance that we both participate in. The fights, the yelling, me leaving then calling for Round 2. After this last time I went no contact again.

I agree with Kittyboo, don't be to hard on yourself. Its done and can't be taken back. Be gentle with yourself and accept that you are not dealing with a rational person that you can have a rational conversation with and you have intense emotions that are triggered by his behavior. Maybe someday it won't affect you that way but its not today!

Although there have been days when its been painful I realize that this "no contact" is really for the best. It lets you have some clarity and do your own soul searching. You did 4 weeks (to me thats incredibly impressive), You can start again. I truly understand the anger and disappointment you feel again wish I didn't (lol).

I think it was Maya Angelou who said "When I knew better, I did better!" Somehow that helps me when I slip back into crazy, each day I know as much as it hurts I'm learning to know better.

I know its no consolation to you but your post helped me go one more day with no contact (feeling a little sad about Thanksgiving yesterday) so thank you!!! Relax tonight and take care of you!!!! Sending you a big hug!!!!

Dreamer42long

Kittyboo: No no. I'm not saying that I want to stay with him and accept his drinking. I know that there can be no future with him as long as he does drink and refuses to get help. Even if he got help tomorrow, I'm not sure what our future would hold. My ABF is a binge drinker. He can go several months without touching a drop. Then something will trigger an episode and he'll drink heavily for a week straight and make himself really sick. Then he'll stop again, swear it off and go another month or two sober.

What I mean is that during those sober times, our relationship is great. We don't fight, we are both calm and he is very attentive and loving (almost like he's trying to make up for the drinking.)

That is why this is so hard.

Dreamer42long

Carol Star: I agree with you. I question now whether or not he did love me. That was one of the things I told him during my rampage. ("You don't love me, you never loved me because you hate yourself!!!! You just used me as your soft landing place to come between binges!!") I call his alcohol his wife and I'm the proverbial mistress. He keeps telling me that he's going to leave his 'wife', that he knows she's bad for him and doesn't enjoy her anymore. And yet, he's still with his wife (booze).

Buffalo66

Its hard when you come down to the level they are at. And when you have been working so hard on your self, and staying clear.

When I fall into it w/ my A, I always feel so angry at him, but more at me. I know he baits me, and he will try anything to make me feel like his house is not on fire and it is OK to step back inside.

Mine called tonight, asking me what our son needed in terms of clothing, what he should be looking for from Santa for the boy,

and here is the bait,"what do you want? Nothing for the house, or for you and son, just something for you. You deserve something nice"....

I want to believe in this, and I want him to be thinking in this way, but he will be drunk tonight. I did not take the bait. I said I do not want any gifts. I know I will get burned.

I am sorry. go easy on yourself. Wanting someone to be healthy so much that you overlook the past is not a bad trait. It is just one that compromised you a little this time.

Its not lost ground, just more information to learn from.

Cath

Hang in there Dreamer. The whole time I was reading your post, I felt like I was nearly reliving my experience with my exAB. I too am not normally someone who yells or acts violent or "loses it." But w/him, I did. constantly. Its like you are so on edge all the time that you just lose it when they slip back into their addiction. You are mad at them, mad at yourself for giving them another chance, mad that this is even really happening. I gave my ex another chance, and he was good for a month or so, ironically his mom also was one of my only confidants and was the one who told me to talk to him! I feel stupid for putting myself through all the crap, but finally I started cutting ties with his family and opening up to my friends and family. Find someone to confide in...They won't judge you if they are truly your friend. I have never felt so relieved as when I told my closest friends what was going on. There is always al-anon which is something I have been thinking about.

Linkmeister

I lost it last week when my now exABF called me in yet another drunken rampage to let loose on me for what I call the gripe du jour - this time, it was me going to Al-Anon and the fact that my mother is coming to visit me for Christmas. We went round in circles arguing and as much as I tried to disengage, yup, he pushed the magic buttons and this time, I totally and completely went around the bend yelling and screaming at him till finally, I hung up and unplugged the phone. I was furious more at myself for going off like that, for letting myself once again, to get sucked into that vortex of self destructive behaviour.

That's exactly how I felt and feel and it all just came out of me till I felt like it couldn't stop. I guess some part of my brain told me to put that distance between us-to unplug that phone, to block his email, just to feel safe, to stand back and get some clarity on everything. He had 3 months sobriety and while things were going pretty well, I saw the signs of relapse coming and again, hoping against hope, that he could get through it - and the disappointment that he did relapse brought all of this anger to the surface the night I went over the edge.

It seems that this is the common thread of our relationships with alcoholics and I am just starting to come to terms with the fact that I was a willing dance partner ready for a whole dance marathon.

Silly me-I talked to exABF today - he called "to see how I was." NO doubt, he has had a rough time since he stopped drinking but from the sounds of things, hasn't hit bottom yet-somehow managed to keep his job and is very remorseful for what has happened, wondering if I still love him. He wants to meet my mom, to be a part of Christmas, basically for us to live together again because he hates where he is living now and to start all over again.

He started unburdening himself to me and after a few minutes, all I said to him was that as hard as it was for him to tell me what he was telling me, I'm not the one to be telling all of it to-that's what AA and counseling is there for. I was accused of never loving him, of being cold, calculating and non-compassionate. "he would have stood by me if it were me in this situation-he would have never left my side, not for one minute."

It's hard to accept the fact that you are not dealing with a rational person and that unfounded accusations hurled at us tend to set off our triggers. Slowly, very slowly I'm coming to terms with that and the only way to do that is to step back and go no contact.

The alcoholics in our life want that rapt audience, that enabler, that "soft landing place" where they feel safe to continue their addiction. When we fail to provide those things, that's when they lash out at us because we are no longer willing to be a part of their world.

Dreamer-when all of this happened to me, I went to my AL-Anon meetings and have bookmarked SR. So many stories and words of wisdom have helped me keep my balance, my perspective. Today, especially was bad, talking to him for the first time in a week and yes, I could have wavered, given in and put my dancing shoes back on. I didn't and when I hung up the phone after hearing once again how I didn't love him, I knew nothing had changed and nothing will ever change.

Hugs coming your way.......

Dreamer42long

Thank you Linkmeister and everyone else who responded. I guess we really are all in the same boat. I was very unsure about posting the above rant about losing control because I was ashamed and embarrassed about what I had done, but it was comforting to know that there are many others who have been there.

Although none of us are proud of what has happened, it certainly is "food for thought", hopefully nourishing us to make a wiser choice the next time.

transformyself

Well that sounds about right to me. When I'm not detached from AH, we create and live in madness. And I"m surprised and feel bad about myself. Blame, blame, blame. Blame myself, blame him, blame his drinking, blame our parents.

For me, the only thing that works is detachment. Focusing on MY OWN DAMN LIFE. Every second. This does two things; it makes my life fulfilling, scary, exciting, interesting and just plain bigger than all that madness.

Then, I don't want AH anymore. I want to see what I can be, who I can be and what I can do without the drama and bs anymore. But first, I have to detach, then it gets easier.

There have been plenty of times that I go back to my AH--and by that I mean in my thoughts cause that's always where it starts.

Your description of the crying crying is where it starts for me. By then I have to take drastic measures or I'll end up where you were. I usually go to Bikram yoga a few days in a row, or take some anti anxiety meds to cap off the hysteria, shaking and obsessive thinking. PMS is a real challenge too.

Once I get the obsessive thinking and sadness under control, then back to my life I go. It's hard work, but my goodness am I happier than ever before. I spent 14 years with AH and now it's finally time to live my life for myself.

Actually, I think this obsessive relationship was a way for me to avoid trying really hard at my own life. I think I was afraid.

Now, I dont' fear anything else as much as I fear wasting another breath on that insanity.

You'll find the right balance. If I can do this, anyone can.

Dreamer42long

Transform: Your post was so inspirational to me. It sounds like you have a good formula for keeping your "madness" in check. That is truly where I hope to be someday. I need to work on those "drastic measures" I actually belong to 2 gyms (one by my house, another by where I work) and I haven't gone to either one for about a month. I think it's time I start going back, since I LOVE working out. I get angry at myself for allowing this drama to paralyze me...I don't eat, I don't work out, I'm not productive at work....ICK!!

I also think it's very true for me also that the obsessive relationship was a way for me also to avoid working on my own life.

Thank you so much!

transformyself

You are welcome!

I bet after a week of going to the gym you'll be laughing instead of wasting time angry with yourself. Love yourself Sister! Be kind and forgive yourself, that's a great place to start.

BuffaloGal

Be gentle with yourself-- detachment is hard, and snapping is easy. I know I'm about twenty times more detached than I was when my ex and I split, and I still fall into fighting with him two years after the papers were signed. A phone conversation I made last week to call him out on breaking our child care agreement degenerated into a shouting match on who was the worst parent (Apparently he's heard that I drop our child off with a babysitter so I can go... *gasp* STUDY. The horror. No doubt CPS should be notified. I countered that at least I did not argue with my SO about my tequila consumption in front of our child, and that ended any further discussion of parental misbehavior). I was more angry with myself afterward than with him.

I do have to talk to him about our child, but the benefits of detachment and no emotional contact are enormous and I reap them every day. If I slip occasionally, that doesn't erase all the other times I don't.

Don't beat yourself up! I was never this way before my alcoholic former husband either-- and I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home. At least we have the advantage of already understanding exactly how not-normal the alcoholic's actions are, and ours too. What sends me over the edge is not his drinking... it's the absolute conviction with which he spouts off the most incredible bs. The temptation to try to shove his face in it is irresistible, I'm still practicing walking away. Intellectually I understand that part of him believes all this tripe, and I can't reach the part that doesn't because he buries it so deeply, but it's still maddening.

Dreamer42long

You are SO RIGHT! It's that friggin' conviction that does me in! Instead of walking away, which I know I should, I end up yelling back at him, "What the F is wrong with you?!? Where do you get this stuff??!!" I keep telling him that his brain is poisoned, but it does no good.

Of course, I know I'm wasting my breath. This is all a learning experience for me.

(sigh)

grrl77

Man, I hear you guys. I haven't talked to my ex abf for hrm. Three weeks now? He hasn't reached out to me, which is probably for the best, but I know it's coming soon enough.

We, too, do a dance, except he kind of knows what's going on with his alcoholism. Almost like he's researched it. It goes something like this:

We'll talk. We'll have a great conversation. It gets me to thinking about why I loved him in the first place, and then my brain starts cranking. I think, "Man, I miss him so much, " and then I start thinking about "Well, how can I ease him into getting help? What can I say that would just impact him? Blow his mind, and will make him see the light?" Orrrrr...

We end up having a conversation, and he's a jackass, which is often the case. When he drinks, he turns into this egotistical elitist jerk and takes every opportunity to prove you wrong, or tell you why the way you think is wrong. But then that generally turns into me getting really angry, and - without thinking about it - I wind up in a huge argument with him, trying to rationalize with him like you would someone sober, things get said, I get sad, upset, I cry, I yell - and then in his drunkenness, it's like he's telling me what *I* should do - the last time we talked, it was, "I'm the drunk you should be running away from, yet you refuse." He called *me* codependent. And while he might be right? It pisses me off more than anything that the guy that's drunk every single night - who's actions provoke me to even act like this - is telling me what's going on. And all I can think of is, "Welp. We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for your choice to drink."

Y'know? Bah. It's like a big game. A big dance that never stops and won't ever stop until he gets sober. Who knows when or if that will ever be. Coming to this site and taking it day by day (i.e., if he's going to drink today, then we're not going to talk today kind of mentality) has really helped me. I don't know what I'm going to do about the long term. I guess that's something I sort of fight with. I found this great book I know he'd love. Was going to send it to him for Christmas. There's a part of me that's like, "Bah, why bother? He's not going to get me anything. He doesn't even remember my birthday, heh." the other part of me, is.. Well. Just a nice person. I know he'd like it. That's just how I'm wired.

I'd like to think that's not an addicted to the drama thing happening there, because I wouldn't really care if he still didn't talk to me even after that. It's just something I know he'd enjoy. Not sure what to do about it, really. Haven't made up my mind. Part of me wants to just say eff it.