When They Ask For Help
hypercube
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 306
When They Ask For Help
My ex and I have been friends since high school. During the course of our relationship there have been periods when we have been together as a couple and times when we've related to each other as best friends. We broke up recently after getting back together after a five year period as friends. We both have stuff we need to work on, and I am in no position to have a relationship and neither is he.
I am currently working on my own sobriety.
My ex has Borderline Personality Disorder and is an active alcoholic. His alcoholism is getting worse and he is at risk of losing his job. He's a young man (33) who is drinking himself to death. Yesterday he asked me for help. He has an appointment with a doctor who specialises in alcoholism and substance abuse and he is considering rehab, intensive outpatient, if available. For my own health and recovery I need to maintain my boundaries, but I don't want to turn my back on my friend. He is isolated and unwell.
The possibility of getting back together when we are both healthier cannot be his reason for recovery -- as he has stated -- I don't think it's a strong enough foundation for sobriety, but at the same time he desperately needs help.
Can any of you please share your experience and insight?
I am currently working on my own sobriety.
My ex has Borderline Personality Disorder and is an active alcoholic. His alcoholism is getting worse and he is at risk of losing his job. He's a young man (33) who is drinking himself to death. Yesterday he asked me for help. He has an appointment with a doctor who specialises in alcoholism and substance abuse and he is considering rehab, intensive outpatient, if available. For my own health and recovery I need to maintain my boundaries, but I don't want to turn my back on my friend. He is isolated and unwell.
The possibility of getting back together when we are both healthier cannot be his reason for recovery -- as he has stated -- I don't think it's a strong enough foundation for sobriety, but at the same time he desperately needs help.
Can any of you please share your experience and insight?
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
If you are not willing to help see if his parents will.
When my adult son needed inpatient rehab, his mind was so pickled he could not
figure out insurance benefits, employee benefits (which by law you are entitled to for addiction) costs, choosing rehab, etc.
If I hadn't stepped up he would not have been treated.
Do what you can even if that is to help him see who else he can turn to for the support
he requires.
When my adult son needed inpatient rehab, his mind was so pickled he could not
figure out insurance benefits, employee benefits (which by law you are entitled to for addiction) costs, choosing rehab, etc.
If I hadn't stepped up he would not have been treated.
Do what you can even if that is to help him see who else he can turn to for the support
he requires.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Yesterday he asked me for help. He has an appointment with a doctor who specialises in alcoholism and substance abuse and he is considering rehab, intensive outpatient, if available
My thoughts are to keep taking good care of yourself and working on your own recovery and let him work on his. If this brings you closer in the future, great. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be.
Good luck to both of you.
Hugs
hypercube
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 306
Thank you all for your replies and insight, I appreciate it.
Spiritual Seeker: your suggestion about helping him access further support is a good one. I sent him the contact details of a local rehabilitation centre yesterday and he will talk about it with his doctor this week. He does not want to involve his parents until he is out of crisis.
Ann: he is very isolated. I think he is confused about the type of support he needs and where the boundary is. He wants emotional support, and while I am prepared to offer the support of a close friend, I cannot offer the emotional support of a girlfriend.
Bucyn: I appreciate your perspective, however BPD isn't a hopeless condition, it can be managed. Research suggests that Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is the best treatment modality. There's also some evidence that BPD improves with age, possibly because people learn to manage their attachment issues and their sense of self solidifies. My friend sees a psychologist who specialises in BPD, but currently any improvement is being counteracted by the alcoholism.
Spiritual Seeker: your suggestion about helping him access further support is a good one. I sent him the contact details of a local rehabilitation centre yesterday and he will talk about it with his doctor this week. He does not want to involve his parents until he is out of crisis.
Ann: he is very isolated. I think he is confused about the type of support he needs and where the boundary is. He wants emotional support, and while I am prepared to offer the support of a close friend, I cannot offer the emotional support of a girlfriend.
Bucyn: I appreciate your perspective, however BPD isn't a hopeless condition, it can be managed. Research suggests that Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) is the best treatment modality. There's also some evidence that BPD improves with age, possibly because people learn to manage their attachment issues and their sense of self solidifies. My friend sees a psychologist who specialises in BPD, but currently any improvement is being counteracted by the alcoholism.
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