Am I the trigger?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 2
Am I the trigger?
Hello this my first time posting and I have been reading lots of stories that I have similarities with and it has helped me understand a bit more about my relationship. I have been dating my RA for a little over a year and a half and he has been in recovery for almost 2 years. Yes, I know that newly recovered addicts should not be in any type of relationship for the first year, but sometimes we can't help who we like...
He goes to meetings once a week but they are not AA meetings - they are continuing care meetings that are sponsored by the place where he went to rehab. I have other AA friends but my boyfriend is not like my AA friends. He doesn't work the steps but is still not drinking and although I did not know him when he was drinking everyone says that he a complete turnaround. Now to my situation. We have had our spats like most couples have but I find it so hard to communicate with him sometimes. I'll admit I can be difficult at times too...
We had just come back from vacation a few days ago. I had taken him to an island for a week. He had not been on a vacation in forever. This would be our 2nd time away and I was worried if we would survive being with each other 24/7 as we don't live together but I do spend a good amount of time at his (which is a problem for him). The whole week I was nit picking at him. I don't know why but nothing seemed right. I was annoyed with everything that he did. Yes, sometimes I got frustrated and so did he. One night he even slept on the floor because we argued over something trivial! I got sick that night (upset stomach) and was throwing up in the bathroom. I came out and asked for some help and he seemed annoyed because he was still mad. That in turn made me more upset and I just said forget it. He went back to the floor. Whatever. (sorry this is so long)
Let's cut to the end - so we get back to the states and we are in a hotel because our connecting flight was the next morning. I had tried to plan this trip so it would run smoothly and so he could relax but by the end of it we were at each other's throats. The straw that broke my back (well one of them) was when we were getting our luggage and I was like, "take your passport out because they need to see it" he said "ok, mom" and I lost it. I had tried to make this a nice trip and I felt like he was just throwing it all in my face. I told him and he said that he had enough of me too. We got to the room and I said I wanted to see if there was another room available. He hurt my feelings. The place was booked so I went back upstairs. Walking down the hallway I hear him at the top of his lungs speaking to his bestfriend (a girl). I hear everything that he is saying as I walk up to the door:
she spent so much money on the trip... she is a spoiled brat...
I don't even like her anymore...
I felt trapped... I had no where to go...
I felt obligated to have sex with her and didn't want to but did anyway....
the list goes on... I finally knock on the door and he tells her he has to go and I am in tears saying that I heard everything that he said. He didn't seem remorseful. He said he wasn't expecting me to be listening at the door. Like that matters? You don't say those type of things about people. I asked why he felt trapped and why did he even go he could have left and gotten his own plane ticket home. No answer. This was the first time he had told me he loved me as well (on the trip) and I asked if he was so miserable then why did you tell me you love me? He said because I did at the time. Made no sense to me. He said that I made him feel like he could do nothing right. He said that I was the trigger and I was making him want to drink again. Hello?? Isn't that the first thing you learn in recovery? If he drinks its his decision? He said that I treat him like a baby cooking for him, doing things for him, etc. I did own up to being mean sometimes but I said that I was not going to take fully responsibility that he was at fault too. He said he did nothing wrong and it was all me. I felt really hurt when I heard that on top of all of the other things he was saying to his bestfriend. More like a huge blow to my stomach. I can't explain it. I cried myself to sleep that night and we woke the next morning and got on the plane. No one talked to each other and I didn't think I had to after what he said about me! I felt used and he blamed me for it. I dropped him at his house and he said thanks for the trip. That's it. The next day I sent him a text just a matter of factly saying that I put pics of the trip online and he could view them if he wanted. He called but I was on the other line and it went to vm. He said just wanted to see how my dr appt went the day before take care. He acted like nothing happened. I didn't call back.
Its Thanksgiving today and I was supposed to cook but I had not called him because he was an ass but I got lonely and missed him. I know - I am a fool. I joked and said so what time is the turkey going to be done? he was not jokey at all. He said he had a tv dinner. I asked if there was another one for me he said no. I asked so are you going to invite me over or do I have to wait? I laughed and he said what are you doing. Like what was I even thinking. I felt like a fool. He said he would call me later. I know he won't. As I read this back, all the signs are saying ok he does not want to be with you I do get it. My frustration with him and thus that's why we fight is that when I try to have a rational conversation with him it is all about him. He is so selfish and mean to me. It's the way he says things. He is so angry. People say that I should leave him alone and there are others out there and he needs to deal with his crap but I do care for him. I don't want to change him I just wish he would treat me like a human being sometimes. When he is in a bad mood I hate being around him. He is just so mean. (ok it sounds like I have co dependent issues, I get that) I was just looking for some advice. I know when I attempted to call him I lost self respect because I know in my head I was like why am I even calling him after what he said about me....
sorry so long and thanks for listening....
He goes to meetings once a week but they are not AA meetings - they are continuing care meetings that are sponsored by the place where he went to rehab. I have other AA friends but my boyfriend is not like my AA friends. He doesn't work the steps but is still not drinking and although I did not know him when he was drinking everyone says that he a complete turnaround. Now to my situation. We have had our spats like most couples have but I find it so hard to communicate with him sometimes. I'll admit I can be difficult at times too...
We had just come back from vacation a few days ago. I had taken him to an island for a week. He had not been on a vacation in forever. This would be our 2nd time away and I was worried if we would survive being with each other 24/7 as we don't live together but I do spend a good amount of time at his (which is a problem for him). The whole week I was nit picking at him. I don't know why but nothing seemed right. I was annoyed with everything that he did. Yes, sometimes I got frustrated and so did he. One night he even slept on the floor because we argued over something trivial! I got sick that night (upset stomach) and was throwing up in the bathroom. I came out and asked for some help and he seemed annoyed because he was still mad. That in turn made me more upset and I just said forget it. He went back to the floor. Whatever. (sorry this is so long)
Let's cut to the end - so we get back to the states and we are in a hotel because our connecting flight was the next morning. I had tried to plan this trip so it would run smoothly and so he could relax but by the end of it we were at each other's throats. The straw that broke my back (well one of them) was when we were getting our luggage and I was like, "take your passport out because they need to see it" he said "ok, mom" and I lost it. I had tried to make this a nice trip and I felt like he was just throwing it all in my face. I told him and he said that he had enough of me too. We got to the room and I said I wanted to see if there was another room available. He hurt my feelings. The place was booked so I went back upstairs. Walking down the hallway I hear him at the top of his lungs speaking to his bestfriend (a girl). I hear everything that he is saying as I walk up to the door:
she spent so much money on the trip... she is a spoiled brat...
I don't even like her anymore...
I felt trapped... I had no where to go...
I felt obligated to have sex with her and didn't want to but did anyway....
the list goes on... I finally knock on the door and he tells her he has to go and I am in tears saying that I heard everything that he said. He didn't seem remorseful. He said he wasn't expecting me to be listening at the door. Like that matters? You don't say those type of things about people. I asked why he felt trapped and why did he even go he could have left and gotten his own plane ticket home. No answer. This was the first time he had told me he loved me as well (on the trip) and I asked if he was so miserable then why did you tell me you love me? He said because I did at the time. Made no sense to me. He said that I made him feel like he could do nothing right. He said that I was the trigger and I was making him want to drink again. Hello?? Isn't that the first thing you learn in recovery? If he drinks its his decision? He said that I treat him like a baby cooking for him, doing things for him, etc. I did own up to being mean sometimes but I said that I was not going to take fully responsibility that he was at fault too. He said he did nothing wrong and it was all me. I felt really hurt when I heard that on top of all of the other things he was saying to his bestfriend. More like a huge blow to my stomach. I can't explain it. I cried myself to sleep that night and we woke the next morning and got on the plane. No one talked to each other and I didn't think I had to after what he said about me! I felt used and he blamed me for it. I dropped him at his house and he said thanks for the trip. That's it. The next day I sent him a text just a matter of factly saying that I put pics of the trip online and he could view them if he wanted. He called but I was on the other line and it went to vm. He said just wanted to see how my dr appt went the day before take care. He acted like nothing happened. I didn't call back.
Its Thanksgiving today and I was supposed to cook but I had not called him because he was an ass but I got lonely and missed him. I know - I am a fool. I joked and said so what time is the turkey going to be done? he was not jokey at all. He said he had a tv dinner. I asked if there was another one for me he said no. I asked so are you going to invite me over or do I have to wait? I laughed and he said what are you doing. Like what was I even thinking. I felt like a fool. He said he would call me later. I know he won't. As I read this back, all the signs are saying ok he does not want to be with you I do get it. My frustration with him and thus that's why we fight is that when I try to have a rational conversation with him it is all about him. He is so selfish and mean to me. It's the way he says things. He is so angry. People say that I should leave him alone and there are others out there and he needs to deal with his crap but I do care for him. I don't want to change him I just wish he would treat me like a human being sometimes. When he is in a bad mood I hate being around him. He is just so mean. (ok it sounds like I have co dependent issues, I get that) I was just looking for some advice. I know when I attempted to call him I lost self respect because I know in my head I was like why am I even calling him after what he said about me....
sorry so long and thanks for listening....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 52
hey mperry... well I wish I could give you some magical answer or fantastic advice that would make this better but I really think that you should stop contacting him. i know this may seem impossible and at times you will feel like you can't do it. You might even find reasons to call him...but you shouldn't. My ex is still an active alcoholic so I don't know a whole lot about people in your ex's position, but you need to take care of you. Its hard. Its going to suck sometimes. You are going to cry and scream and wonder why, but don't over analyze it all or beat yourself up over it. Just take it a day at a time. You don't need someone in your life like that. It did remind me of my ex when you were refering to the mean things he said about you, how he pretended it was fine when it wasn't, then did not act remorseful when you called him out on his crap. My ex cheated on me and is running around telling everyone he feels "bad" but then follows that up with a list of justifications for it. He doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. Neither does your ex and this is not your problem. He is choosing to treat you this way, to lie essentially about how he feels about you...and so you can choose to walk away from this.
The best thing to do to stop contact would be to take him off facebook/myspace/whatever and not take his calls. Find a really good friend to talk to that can help you when u feel like u might call him or contact him. Find a hobby or read a book or take a walk.
The best thing to do to stop contact would be to take him off facebook/myspace/whatever and not take his calls. Find a really good friend to talk to that can help you when u feel like u might call him or contact him. Find a hobby or read a book or take a walk.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family mperry!
The holidays can trigger all of us.
If I get caught up in a Norman Rockwell moment of what the holidays _should_ be like, then I resent being in my reality of what my holidays _are_ like. I am much better off accepting my holidays and other days as "just another day" and not force people, places and events into my day that are unhealthy.
I'm home alone this weekend. I'm in charge of the cat and dog and me today. So far we have all been fed and watered and the sun is out. It is a beautiful day to be alive. I plan to eat some untraditional food, read a self-help book, visit my peeps on SR, and watch a movie tonight. Then the fur babies and I will call it a day.
What can you do for you today?
The holidays can trigger all of us.
If I get caught up in a Norman Rockwell moment of what the holidays _should_ be like, then I resent being in my reality of what my holidays _are_ like. I am much better off accepting my holidays and other days as "just another day" and not force people, places and events into my day that are unhealthy.
I'm home alone this weekend. I'm in charge of the cat and dog and me today. So far we have all been fed and watered and the sun is out. It is a beautiful day to be alive. I plan to eat some untraditional food, read a self-help book, visit my peeps on SR, and watch a movie tonight. Then the fur babies and I will call it a day.
What can you do for you today?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 689
MPerry- I do understand your feelings right now.
Yes, NO CONTACT. I blocked mine from facebook over a month ago. Best thing I did.
It still hurts, the way he treated me. But it would hurt A LOT more if I was still trying to speak to him.
You deserve SO MUCH better than that, my dear. Holidays are definitely triggers for a lot of us.
And Pelican, my day is being spent exactly like yours! Just ate a pizza, will much all day, read my self help book, read SR, and be all about me. The only difference is it's me and my doves.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Yes, NO CONTACT. I blocked mine from facebook over a month ago. Best thing I did.
It still hurts, the way he treated me. But it would hurt A LOT more if I was still trying to speak to him.
You deserve SO MUCH better than that, my dear. Holidays are definitely triggers for a lot of us.
And Pelican, my day is being spent exactly like yours! Just ate a pizza, will much all day, read my self help book, read SR, and be all about me. The only difference is it's me and my doves.
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Although it's not Thanksgiving here is Canada, I'm spending the day going through my Christmas decorations, keeping my furbaby on the straight and narrow (that means away from the neighbourhood cats...LOL) and in general, doing things for me. The sun is shining - a perfect day for a dog walk and to enjoy...life.
That's the bottom line. That's what it's all about. I remind myself of that so many times throughout the day when those feelings of missing him intrude in my mind and I weaken to contact him.
It's not easy - the urge to pick up the phone is overwhelming at times but then, I ask myself what do I miss? The emotional abuse and blame sent my way when he is drinking? The arguing? the rapid fire calls and emails when he is drinking? The blame? The denial? The begging and remorse after the binge is finished and he is detoxing? The lies and the broken promises that this will be the last time? My dashed hopes and anger and resentment that things didn't change? My loss of self respect when a boundary I set for myself was moved further back?
What I really missed all through my relationship with XABF was normalcy - day to day things, peace, serenity, happiness and in order to bring those things back into my life, I walked away from chaos of things the way they were.
Yes, the feelings of loneliness creep in but as each day passes, I'm one step further removed from the person and the things I thought I missed and one step closer to the things I really missed.
Hugs coming your way from me and my furbaby!!!!!!
Bucyn says:You are not the trigger. Or the problem. The person who uses others for vacation, has no appreciation, and who lies and stabs his 'loved ones' in the back...they are the problem.
It's not easy - the urge to pick up the phone is overwhelming at times but then, I ask myself what do I miss? The emotional abuse and blame sent my way when he is drinking? The arguing? the rapid fire calls and emails when he is drinking? The blame? The denial? The begging and remorse after the binge is finished and he is detoxing? The lies and the broken promises that this will be the last time? My dashed hopes and anger and resentment that things didn't change? My loss of self respect when a boundary I set for myself was moved further back?
What I really missed all through my relationship with XABF was normalcy - day to day things, peace, serenity, happiness and in order to bring those things back into my life, I walked away from chaos of things the way they were.
Yes, the feelings of loneliness creep in but as each day passes, I'm one step further removed from the person and the things I thought I missed and one step closer to the things I really missed.
Hugs coming your way from me and my furbaby!!!!!!
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