cheriv

Hi all!

I'm new here, but not to the "other world" of addiction and trying to deal with addicts. I've been through it with my parents, ex-husband, son and current husband and just recently found out my DIL is on soboxone and fighting a painkiller addiction. I truly feel I'm destined to be on this roller coaster for my entire life.

And you'd think with as much as I've dealt with it I'd have more answers....but I don't.

My AH and I have been married for nearly 25 years, and I've been asking, begging and nagging him to quit drinking for 20 of them. I'm persistent (stubborn!) but obviously getting nowhere and frankly I'm just getting sick of trying.

But here's my dilemma. Although to me and everyone close to him it's obvious he's an alcoholic, he functions well. He works hard, stays home (not out drinking) is eager to please me in every other way. He's intelligent and fun to be with (when he's not drunk, stupid and a bore). I compare this to the devastation wrought by so many other addicts and I wonder if I should just quit my complaining.

And yet, I am not happy with the relationship. I want to know that in the evening I'll have someone to talk with (that he won't be passed out by 7:00). I'd like someone who would go to events with me that DON'T include alcohol. I'd like to be able to have people over and know that he'll not make a fool of himself and me. I don't want to count beers or look for hidden bottles anymore. I don't want to ask ever again how many he's had (what does it matter, really, he's drunk, whether it was 1 or 100).

And I would really like to go to an Al-Anon meeting, but I don't believe in God
and wonder if it would just be a waste of time.

Could anyone tell me whether they've tried counseling and whether it helped them make decisions? I'm truly at a loss here. Can't go on like this, but just can't move on.

basIam

You don't have to believe in anything.

Get a copy of Alcoholics Anonymous and read "To Wives."
There you will find simple instructions on how to rebuild a fulfilled life for yourself and perhaps guide your husband towards recovery.

In the mean time, attend Al-Anon, all the while keeping an eye out for the next woman in a similar predicament, and pass on what you find in "To Wives." Begin sharing with others the successes, and failures, you have in trying to what is suggested.

Just my US$00.02

itisatruth

I think you have choices that can change the path of your destiny.....

Welcome to SR ~ I hope it can be as useful to you as it has been for me.

Some people can handle the roller coasters - others want off. I wanted off and it took me a while to figure that out. I hope you can find what it is you do want and work towards it - whatever that may mean - it may mean small baby steps to get you there. "There" is where you choose it to be.

This part stood out for me - you are not happy in this relationship.....you are not happy in this relationship. I repeat this for a reason - because whether it is Alanon or something else such as counseling or SR, finding out what you can be happy with and acting on it....working towards it.....can make all the difference. You may have had many addicts in your life - some were out of your control, like your parents, but now you have choices. If you make one choice for yourself today - make it be putting more focus on you & what is important to you.

Ways I put more focus on myself included Alanon, getting out more with friends, and doing more for myself. Alanon gave me a great outlet to share my feelings and listen to others who had been through the same kind of stuff. My religious views didn't really matter much, in the group setting - I listened to what I had in common with them - not what I didn't. I tried more than one meeting - the second one was a better fit for me. I guess what I'm saying is try one thing - and it it doesn't fit, try something else. You are worth it.

basIam

There is a difference between being happy "in this" a relationship and being happy "with this" relationship. If there is no abuse, i reitrerate, try the actions described in "To Wives" as well as Al-Anon. I bet you will find that you aren't happy with the status quo and, in turn, find a new contentment that your AH will begin to notice. This may open doors to communication about his drinking and make him more receptive to recovery for himself.

itisatruth

I understand the distinction between the two, however, because I worded that part differently than you may have does not change the crux of my post.

(I have read "To Wives")

After taking steps towards a healthier, more complete 'me", after making better choices for me, after taking better care of myself and my own needs, and after deciding I can work towards my own recovery and doing it, just as my AH can choose to work towards his, only then was I able to make the best decision for me. Today, that means working on both our recoveries and on our marriage. Getting off the roller coaster, for me, meant not living with active addiction. As much as I'd like to believe in helping an addict to become more receptive to recovery, I know in reality it doesn't always work.

cheriv - taking action - taking those steps towards finding what you need, finding yourself in all of this....can help you find contentment in and/or out of any relationship. Because you've had so many addicts in your life, I really hope you can find out what it is that has not only brought them into your life (your husbands), but also what it is within you that caused you to choose another.

In other words, I have seen in Alanon those who have lived with addicts/alcoholics in their pasts -- and moved on or divorced -- only to choose another. Finding yourself does not have to mean divorce - but it can mean understanding why you make the choices you do, and not making the same mistakes in the future. I wish you all the best.