Hit rock bottom...dont know where to start with al anon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
Hit rock bottom...dont know where to start with al anon?
I am new to al anon. I have hit rock bottom...and do not know where to start. Just found out last night my partner has cheated on me several times and is saying that it is what she did when she was using (now 2 months sober)...and that now she has been faithful, etc. i have a hard time believing that now that she has started to work the program that i should just let go of what she did and how betrayed i feel...and how the al anon twelve steps can help me. Any advice...i do not know where to start?
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Hi there Hope and welcome to SR!
I wish I had some comforting words for you. What happens from here on out is something only you can decide. You must figure out what it is you can and cannot live with. If you can let go of all you know and move on, then do it. But if you can't, if you'll live with anger, resentment, regret, then move on now.
Keep coming back. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you better thoughts. But hang in there!!
HUGS to you!
I wish I had some comforting words for you. What happens from here on out is something only you can decide. You must figure out what it is you can and cannot live with. If you can let go of all you know and move on, then do it. But if you can't, if you'll live with anger, resentment, regret, then move on now.
Keep coming back. I'm sure others will be along soon to give you better thoughts. But hang in there!!
HUGS to you!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family Hope!
You will find a lot of information and support here. Some of our stories are in the sticky posts (permanent posts) at the top of this forum.
You don't have to attend Alanon or Nar-anon to be a member here. Not everyone joins a 12 step support group to recover from the chaos of life with an addicted loved one. Some folks use SR, self-help books and/or counseling.
No program or person expects you to just let go of your hurt or betrayal. Your feelings are valid and you need time to explore your feelings. Feel them, respect them, own them and grow from them. You choose your path. We're here to support you.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.
You will find a lot of information and support here. Some of our stories are in the sticky posts (permanent posts) at the top of this forum.
You don't have to attend Alanon or Nar-anon to be a member here. Not everyone joins a 12 step support group to recover from the chaos of life with an addicted loved one. Some folks use SR, self-help books and/or counseling.
No program or person expects you to just let go of your hurt or betrayal. Your feelings are valid and you need time to explore your feelings. Feel them, respect them, own them and grow from them. You choose your path. We're here to support you.
Please make yourself at home here by posting and reading as needed.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I couldn't get better until I reached rock bottom. As scary as it was, it was the best thing that could have happened. From rock bottom, we don't look back. We work our program and move forward. We stop letting others control our happiness and serenity.
I recommend alanon to anyone in this situation. Go on-line and find the alanon meetings in your area. I was advised to go to 6 meetings and if I didn't like it, they would give me my misery back. Find a group that you click with and keep going.
Good luck.
I recommend alanon to anyone in this situation. Go on-line and find the alanon meetings in your area. I was advised to go to 6 meetings and if I didn't like it, they would give me my misery back. Find a group that you click with and keep going.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Hope11,
Welcome, sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Not sure if al-anon and you working the 12 steps will help immediately with the betrayal issue. We all have our deal breakers and cheating is one of mine. I may forgive many things but that is not one of them, but that is me.
I understand she is 2 months clean and for a reason she felt she needed to confess this. But she can’t just expect you to just let go of what she did, it may have been easy for her to confess, cleanse her soul but there is a lot of damage there. Damage that may not be repairable even if she thinks it is. It takes two people to work hard in a relationship and it takes even more to re-built broken trust.
I do think you will be benefit from al-anon, but it’s not going to be the magic pill that is going to make this all go away or any kind of guarantee the relationship will work out.
I hope you stick around and do give al-anon a change to help YOU with YOUR life and choices you do have.
Welcome, sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. Not sure if al-anon and you working the 12 steps will help immediately with the betrayal issue. We all have our deal breakers and cheating is one of mine. I may forgive many things but that is not one of them, but that is me.
I understand she is 2 months clean and for a reason she felt she needed to confess this. But she can’t just expect you to just let go of what she did, it may have been easy for her to confess, cleanse her soul but there is a lot of damage there. Damage that may not be repairable even if she thinks it is. It takes two people to work hard in a relationship and it takes even more to re-built broken trust.
I do think you will be benefit from al-anon, but it’s not going to be the magic pill that is going to make this all go away or any kind of guarantee the relationship will work out.
I hope you stick around and do give al-anon a change to help YOU with YOUR life and choices you do have.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: NYC
Posts: 132
Hi Hope,
So sorry you are going through this. I am one year in Al Anon after being "sent" by my 2 years sober alcoholic boyfriend...and it helped me tremendously, but not in the ways either of us expected.
What it did for me was it allowed me to understand when he was acting out and what were the factors in our relationship that were a part of his disease. But I also had to accept that I had my own issues in becoming involved with this person and that's where I am today -- working on myself, without him.
After a year of being in program and working so hard...our relationship did not really improve, and it turns out that he is just uncovering other addictions (love, and sex) which are essentially at the root of our problems. So my point is, Al Anon is a great program, and it will help you gain sanity and it will help you get through difficult times...but...it might not "cure" your relationship (same goes for AA).
Two months in recovery is really not much at all. After having been with someone who was in recovery for years and still acted out in addictive ways that were very destructive to our relationship and ultimately my self-esteem...you do need to be able to draw the line and set boundaries and take care of yourself even if she is a stellar pupil of the 12 steps.
That means detaching from her disease and detaching from her advice and guidance as well. If you go to Al Anon, go for yourself. She is right that it may help the relationship by extension, but if you go in with the attitude that it will save your relationship you might really miss out on the real healing that can happen there.
Hope that helps. I love program and can honestly say that despite all of the pain I suffered in this relationship, I am a better person and have grown tremendously.
So sorry you are going through this. I am one year in Al Anon after being "sent" by my 2 years sober alcoholic boyfriend...and it helped me tremendously, but not in the ways either of us expected.
What it did for me was it allowed me to understand when he was acting out and what were the factors in our relationship that were a part of his disease. But I also had to accept that I had my own issues in becoming involved with this person and that's where I am today -- working on myself, without him.
After a year of being in program and working so hard...our relationship did not really improve, and it turns out that he is just uncovering other addictions (love, and sex) which are essentially at the root of our problems. So my point is, Al Anon is a great program, and it will help you gain sanity and it will help you get through difficult times...but...it might not "cure" your relationship (same goes for AA).
Two months in recovery is really not much at all. After having been with someone who was in recovery for years and still acted out in addictive ways that were very destructive to our relationship and ultimately my self-esteem...you do need to be able to draw the line and set boundaries and take care of yourself even if she is a stellar pupil of the 12 steps.
That means detaching from her disease and detaching from her advice and guidance as well. If you go to Al Anon, go for yourself. She is right that it may help the relationship by extension, but if you go in with the attitude that it will save your relationship you might really miss out on the real healing that can happen there.
Hope that helps. I love program and can honestly say that despite all of the pain I suffered in this relationship, I am a better person and have grown tremendously.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I would like to add, that as valuable as I believe Al-Anon is, IT TAKES TIME. It took me a LONG time for it to sink in that this was not for my support of the alcoholic, it was not for me to learn about the disease, it was not for me to be a part of the club. It was about ME and what I do, and why. It is about how I can grow and learn in order to be the best person I can be.
Go to some meetings and wait for some of the messages to sink in and become a part of who you now are
Go to some meetings and wait for some of the messages to sink in and become a part of who you now are
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