Tether just snapped
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Tether just snapped
When I first posted here my Thread was titled "At the end of my tether", and now my tether has SNAPPED. 
I am FINISHED, DONE, THROUGH with ABF after his smashing thru 2 of my boundaries today. I just joined the thread for those who have left SO's and here's a copy of my post there.
(((I have just joined those here having told now drunk ABF an hour ago that he is done and dusted. I said last November that if he drank we would be finished, and today he took OUR car and drove home drunk, so that is 2 boundaries he crossed today. It is the end of a rocky 18 years, but as he lives only in the next group of units it could be a rough night ahead of me.
Yesterday my daughter asked if I could help her if needed, as she injured her back at work. Of course I said yes, and told XABF. He suddenly began on an old theme of how my family used me etc. All I saw was him turn into a duck and his words into quacking, and I did not need that crap anymore. Left his place and went home, having no contact last night or today.
Knew he could be drinking when the car was gone from just after 9.30 and still gone at 5.30pm, so not surprised when he turned up at my door. Told him straight to go away, not come over here again, we are over and that if he took the car when he'd been drinking, I'd call the police immediately. The big surprise was he just turned and walked away, no comments, no abuse.
I feel a bit numb just now, as this has happened so suddenly and out of the blue, after nearly a year of him being wonderful and with no dry drunk behavior, which had been so evident in past sober times.
Frankly I could batter him into mush with my walking stick right now and what I feel like doing with a stubbie of beer I leave to those with vivid imaginations.
Have only one way of letting fly,
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! !!! ))))
He just rang me to say he was going to do the RIGHT thing for US and is going away for Christmas "so I could spend it with my family without hassles".
I didn't need to try to analyse his meaning, as I know exactly what he means and told him so.
"You mean you want to go somewhere you can be pissed all you want without having to face me, and that is for you alone, not for us.
Us would be continuing recovery and staying sober."
What a
year this has been,
First I was homeless, then got this unit, had 2nd eye op, heart attack, then heart surgery and to top it all, my XAH died a few weeks ago.
Just realised I have "lost" XAH and ABF within weeks.
Is that some sort of record?
Hope he drinks himself into sleep mode, and not hassle me with calls or worse, a visit to me in the wee hours of the night, or I may need help to bail me out of clink for assault on him.
I know God only gives what he knows we can handle, but He is pushing the envelope with me this year.
God bless
I am FINISHED, DONE, THROUGH with ABF after his smashing thru 2 of my boundaries today. I just joined the thread for those who have left SO's and here's a copy of my post there.
(((I have just joined those here having told now drunk ABF an hour ago that he is done and dusted. I said last November that if he drank we would be finished, and today he took OUR car and drove home drunk, so that is 2 boundaries he crossed today. It is the end of a rocky 18 years, but as he lives only in the next group of units it could be a rough night ahead of me.
Yesterday my daughter asked if I could help her if needed, as she injured her back at work. Of course I said yes, and told XABF. He suddenly began on an old theme of how my family used me etc. All I saw was him turn into a duck and his words into quacking, and I did not need that crap anymore. Left his place and went home, having no contact last night or today.
Knew he could be drinking when the car was gone from just after 9.30 and still gone at 5.30pm, so not surprised when he turned up at my door. Told him straight to go away, not come over here again, we are over and that if he took the car when he'd been drinking, I'd call the police immediately. The big surprise was he just turned and walked away, no comments, no abuse.
I feel a bit numb just now, as this has happened so suddenly and out of the blue, after nearly a year of him being wonderful and with no dry drunk behavior, which had been so evident in past sober times.
Frankly I could batter him into mush with my walking stick right now and what I feel like doing with a stubbie of beer I leave to those with vivid imaginations.
Have only one way of letting fly,
AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! !!! ))))
He just rang me to say he was going to do the RIGHT thing for US and is going away for Christmas "so I could spend it with my family without hassles".
I didn't need to try to analyse his meaning, as I know exactly what he means and told him so.
"You mean you want to go somewhere you can be pissed all you want without having to face me, and that is for you alone, not for us.
Us would be continuing recovery and staying sober."
What a
year this has been, First I was homeless, then got this unit, had 2nd eye op, heart attack, then heart surgery and to top it all, my XAH died a few weeks ago.
Just realised I have "lost" XAH and ABF within weeks.
Is that some sort of record?
Hope he drinks himself into sleep mode, and not hassle me with calls or worse, a visit to me in the wee hours of the night, or I may need help to bail me out of clink for assault on him.
I know God only gives what he knows we can handle, but He is pushing the envelope with me this year.
God bless
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry! (((Jadmack))) You have been through so much this past year.
You are a remarkable woman, and an inspiration to the SR community. I'm glad you are here!
I am proud of you for remembering your boundaries and sticking to them.
I have had my back go out on me in the past. I needed help with day to day activities around my house. All the little things took so much effort. Laundry was out of the question as I couldn't bend into the washer or dryer. I had to ask for help and was glad someone in my family was able to lend assistance. You're a good mom!
You are a remarkable woman, and an inspiration to the SR community. I'm glad you are here!
I am proud of you for remembering your boundaries and sticking to them.
I have had my back go out on me in the past. I needed help with day to day activities around my house. All the little things took so much effort. Laundry was out of the question as I couldn't bend into the washer or dryer. I had to ask for help and was glad someone in my family was able to lend assistance. You're a good mom!
KCB.com/justfortoday :-)
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Glasgow, Scotland
Posts: 168
Sending you much love - it's a tough time and I do believe that nothing happens in this world by mistake. Sometimes it's only hindsight that lets us see what the reason was for things. It doesn't stop the pain right now though. You will be in my prayers xxx
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hey Jad.
Sorry for the difficulty you are having.... Your post was only two hours ago so I guess it would be dumb for me to ask, do you feel any better after getting that out? If you want my observations or perspective, here they are. They may be obvious already, but I hope something here is helpful to regain your serenity today. Feel free to ignore anything here that does not work for you:
1. My guess is, you already knew this was going to happen. That's why you set your boundary in the first place. So now it's happened and you are reacting to it. Calm your reaction and BREATHE.
IMO, you did a great job identifying and defining your boundary for this relationship. But, the CONSEQUENCE that you set (although it sounded good and healthy at the time), in practice, appears to be too strong, as possibly evidenced by your current state. What I know about you is, you very much like and find serenity in the set-up you have had with this man (separate living space, shared automobile, etc).
Remember, nothing is permanent. He has merely relapsed. You knew this was going to happen. It is not the end of the world. I know he drove the car drunk despite the fact that he knew the consequences of breaking your boundary, and no, that was neither wise nor respectful. But are you going to find yourself distraught, lost, angry, or otherwise regretting the decision to end this relationship due to THIS relapse and behavior?
Re-establish what you WANT in and for your life, having NOTHING to do with HIM. And base your decisions on that, not the fact that he violated a boundary.
If you still love him, and still think it would work, "if only he would get sober again," then my suggestion to you is to simply re-set the consequence to your existing boundary. You already KNOW that he cannot ALWAYS meet your requirement that he NEVER drive the car drunk. So, what is a more practical, less stressful, less-life-changing consequence for YOU that accomplishes the practical need for THIS person to not drive THIS vehicle intoxicated?
2. Stop talking to him until he gets sober. He's got enough time under his belt to know what to do, doesn't he? By continuing to talk to him about the holidays, the relationship, etc., you are only opening yourself up to pain, drama, acting out, anxiety, etc. Go No Contact.
3. You've not lost anything Jad. One person died and the other person relapsed. That's all. Detach your SELF from those events. The people are not lost to you. They still exist, just not in the condition we wish they existed.
Love ya'! Take care of yourself today. When you find yourself thinking about it all, or feeling angry, BREATHE. Do something to relax yourself. ANYTHING. That should be your main focus: PROTECTING yourself from another heart attack.
Sorry for the difficulty you are having.... Your post was only two hours ago so I guess it would be dumb for me to ask, do you feel any better after getting that out? If you want my observations or perspective, here they are. They may be obvious already, but I hope something here is helpful to regain your serenity today. Feel free to ignore anything here that does not work for you:
1. My guess is, you already knew this was going to happen. That's why you set your boundary in the first place. So now it's happened and you are reacting to it. Calm your reaction and BREATHE.
IMO, you did a great job identifying and defining your boundary for this relationship. But, the CONSEQUENCE that you set (although it sounded good and healthy at the time), in practice, appears to be too strong, as possibly evidenced by your current state. What I know about you is, you very much like and find serenity in the set-up you have had with this man (separate living space, shared automobile, etc).
Remember, nothing is permanent. He has merely relapsed. You knew this was going to happen. It is not the end of the world. I know he drove the car drunk despite the fact that he knew the consequences of breaking your boundary, and no, that was neither wise nor respectful. But are you going to find yourself distraught, lost, angry, or otherwise regretting the decision to end this relationship due to THIS relapse and behavior?
Re-establish what you WANT in and for your life, having NOTHING to do with HIM. And base your decisions on that, not the fact that he violated a boundary.
If you still love him, and still think it would work, "if only he would get sober again," then my suggestion to you is to simply re-set the consequence to your existing boundary. You already KNOW that he cannot ALWAYS meet your requirement that he NEVER drive the car drunk. So, what is a more practical, less stressful, less-life-changing consequence for YOU that accomplishes the practical need for THIS person to not drive THIS vehicle intoxicated?
2. Stop talking to him until he gets sober. He's got enough time under his belt to know what to do, doesn't he? By continuing to talk to him about the holidays, the relationship, etc., you are only opening yourself up to pain, drama, acting out, anxiety, etc. Go No Contact.
3. You've not lost anything Jad. One person died and the other person relapsed. That's all. Detach your SELF from those events. The people are not lost to you. They still exist, just not in the condition we wish they existed.
Love ya'! Take care of yourself today. When you find yourself thinking about it all, or feeling angry, BREATHE. Do something to relax yourself. ANYTHING. That should be your main focus: PROTECTING yourself from another heart attack.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere in the big ole' world....
Posts: 545
Jadmack......It's Day 3 for me of no contact (we also live separate after his last relapse) after exABF relapsed and hard as it is not to pick up the phone, go see him at work, thinking of the thousands of excuses I could to go and see him, I am standing firm. No contact. Period. End of story.
Today, I go to volunteer at a local used bookstore - we used to do that together - he hasn't been there in a couple of weeks - and when asked about his whereabouts once again, I'm going to tell them to call him - I won't cover for him any longer.
The final straw for me was when he told me in his drunken state that he did not want to meet my mother who is flying out to spend Christmas with me - he wanted me all to himself and felt that I did this without consulting him.
Right now, things seem so bleak, so hard and those feelings of numbness and shock at the turn of events are strong. Like Learn@Live says..."Breathe"..... and focus on you.
Sending big hugs your way.......
Today, I go to volunteer at a local used bookstore - we used to do that together - he hasn't been there in a couple of weeks - and when asked about his whereabouts once again, I'm going to tell them to call him - I won't cover for him any longer.
The final straw for me was when he told me in his drunken state that he did not want to meet my mother who is flying out to spend Christmas with me - he wanted me all to himself and felt that I did this without consulting him.
Right now, things seem so bleak, so hard and those feelings of numbness and shock at the turn of events are strong. Like Learn@Live says..."Breathe"..... and focus on you.
Sending big hugs your way.......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jadmack-
you have been such a source of support over the last year, i hope we are able to return the favor in your time of need. well done in enforcing your boundaries.
i found no contact a lot easier when i changed my phone number.
naive
you have been such a source of support over the last year, i hope we are able to return the favor in your time of need. well done in enforcing your boundaries.
i found no contact a lot easier when i changed my phone number.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
We get ourselves into the messes that lead us here by not seeing our boundaries through and making empty threats and ultimatums.
When those little boundaries are crossed our frustration and anger motivate us to defend them and we win the battle.
When the big ones get crossed, no one wins. The consequences always seem to mean heartache. The only consolation is that the choice didn't have to made by you. You didn't choose to end the relationship. You only chose to protect yourself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. While it's hard imagining the holidays without someone you care for, imagining a peaceful life without addiction, is a whole lot easier.
Please take care of you, let the other adults of this world take care of themselves.
Alice
When those little boundaries are crossed our frustration and anger motivate us to defend them and we win the battle.
When the big ones get crossed, no one wins. The consequences always seem to mean heartache. The only consolation is that the choice didn't have to made by you. You didn't choose to end the relationship. You only chose to protect yourself.
I'm so sorry you're feeling down. While it's hard imagining the holidays without someone you care for, imagining a peaceful life without addiction, is a whole lot easier.
Please take care of you, let the other adults of this world take care of themselves.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Jadmack, with all you're going through yourself, you have been strong and profoundly there for me. That tells me that you're an amazing person, not that I didn't suspect that before. Thank you so much! I'm praying for you, and if I can do more, please don't hesitate to ask. (((JADMACK)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Thanks to you all for your love and support, it does lift me up to know I am HEARD by those who know what I am saying. I took the home phone off the hook, and turned my mobile off, but of course was awake most of the night waiting for the footsteps, that didn't come.
He rang at 10pm, and was quite stroppy, his comments left me totally bewildered.
"Don't you know just walking out on someone is rude? I had only gone tothe toilet and come back to find you gone."
I asked when this had happened and he told me "just a few minutes ago."
When I told him I hadn't been at his place since yesterday (Tuesday) at 1.30pm, he could not believe me. Told me he and I had been talking for ages, me sitting in his armchair.
I convinced him I had been home all evening and had NOT been over there at all.
Ended by saying "Don't know what planet you have been on, but you better get in your spaceship and get back to earth."
Turned mobile on at 6.30 this morning and 41 text messages flooded thru.
Read them and I have a farm yard of quacking ducks. Answered the last one as it had me intrigued and he didn't remember sending it, for God's sake it was only 40 minutes ago he sent it. So just said he had a memory problem and I didn't need any more ducks thank you and goodbye.
Nearly got RSI from deleting the darn things.
WE co-own the car but it is registered in my name only, and I refuse to be responsible for his drink driving issues. If I have to I will sell it.
I had hoped he was ok this time, but after nearly 20 years and hundreds of "relapses" this is the last straw for me. I am not going thru any more of his sprees, or the garbage they entail, until he ends up a vegie like my XAH.
Frankly I am relieved that I can enjoy Christmas with my family and not worry about him moaning later on, or being a total prat.
Thanks all of you darlings.
God bless
He rang at 10pm, and was quite stroppy, his comments left me totally bewildered.
"Don't you know just walking out on someone is rude? I had only gone tothe toilet and come back to find you gone."
I asked when this had happened and he told me "just a few minutes ago."
When I told him I hadn't been at his place since yesterday (Tuesday) at 1.30pm, he could not believe me. Told me he and I had been talking for ages, me sitting in his armchair.
I convinced him I had been home all evening and had NOT been over there at all.
Ended by saying "Don't know what planet you have been on, but you better get in your spaceship and get back to earth."
Turned mobile on at 6.30 this morning and 41 text messages flooded thru.
Read them and I have a farm yard of quacking ducks. Answered the last one as it had me intrigued and he didn't remember sending it, for God's sake it was only 40 minutes ago he sent it. So just said he had a memory problem and I didn't need any more ducks thank you and goodbye.
Nearly got RSI from deleting the darn things.
WE co-own the car but it is registered in my name only, and I refuse to be responsible for his drink driving issues. If I have to I will sell it.
I had hoped he was ok this time, but after nearly 20 years and hundreds of "relapses" this is the last straw for me. I am not going thru any more of his sprees, or the garbage they entail, until he ends up a vegie like my XAH.
Frankly I am relieved that I can enjoy Christmas with my family and not worry about him moaning later on, or being a total prat.
Thanks all of you darlings.
God bless
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
When I told him I hadn't been at his place since yesterday (Tuesday) at 1.30pm, he could not believe me.
41 text messages flooded thru
he didn't remember sending it, for God's sake it was only 40 minutes ago he sent it
there are lots of times I thank my lucky stars that I am not an alcoholic, I'm also really thankful that I've finally chosen not to live with an active alcoholic.
Stuff like this is really tragic, but it makes it easier (I find) to remain solid.
Frankly I am relieved that I can enjoy Christmas with my family and not worry about him moaning later on, or being a total prat.
((Jad))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Jadmack))
You have been through SO much this year, you surely have many blessings coming to you. I'm sorry you are going through this, but am sending you tons of love, hugs and prayers and I am very proud of you!!
Amy
You have been through SO much this year, you surely have many blessings coming to you. I'm sorry you are going through this, but am sending you tons of love, hugs and prayers and I am very proud of you!!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
College has had me so busy, and I haven't had time to get over here much. I am so so sorry about all of this.
You are a lovely, caring person, and know that I will be keeping you in my prayers, dear!
:ghug3
You are a lovely, caring person, and know that I will be keeping you in my prayers, dear!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi jadmack-
you know, something hear isn't sitting right with me. i've heard alcoholics make up a lot of excuses but to say you were sitting in his house talking to him when you weren't? that feels to be more than drunk.
how old is he? is it possible he has dementia or something?
you know, something hear isn't sitting right with me. i've heard alcoholics make up a lot of excuses but to say you were sitting in his house talking to him when you weren't? that feels to be more than drunk.
how old is he? is it possible he has dementia or something?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
He is 62 which is 3 years YOUNGER than me, and when sober is has all his marbles intact.
Enter a few beers and soon you hear the sound of marbles rolling all over the floor.
I must admit I did raise my eyebrows at my suddenly being in two places at once, and had a few seconds worrying if I was the one with a dose of memory loss.
I just got a call on my home phone (it doesn't have caller ID) and it was XABF, asking if I could come get him from the pub!!!!
No prizes for those who guessed the answer was a NO.
He was having trouble getting a cab as it is extra busy on a Pension day.
I said I was also busy, and it was his business not mine. Not a happy man, but tough.
I spent a lot of time doing Christmas cards on computer and have nearly finished. Taking pains to make individual ones for each person kept my brain operating at full strength and I really didn't have much time to think about him...
This is the first time I have not disolved into tears and taken to my bed, rolled into a ball of misery....and
IT FEELS WONDERFUL.
Am splurging on a nice fillet steak (for 1...ME) with fresh salad from my garden, for my dinner tonight.
Guess his dinner will be same as for breakfast and lunch....beer. Dessert the same.
Don't know what the next hours or days have in store for me, but leave that in God's gentle hands and let Him handle it as He is doing fine so far.
Thanks to all of you for your boosts and caring, it helps so much doesn't it?
God bless
Enter a few beers and soon you hear the sound of marbles rolling all over the floor.
I must admit I did raise my eyebrows at my suddenly being in two places at once, and had a few seconds worrying if I was the one with a dose of memory loss.
I just got a call on my home phone (it doesn't have caller ID) and it was XABF, asking if I could come get him from the pub!!!!
No prizes for those who guessed the answer was a NO.
He was having trouble getting a cab as it is extra busy on a Pension day.
I said I was also busy, and it was his business not mine. Not a happy man, but tough.
I spent a lot of time doing Christmas cards on computer and have nearly finished. Taking pains to make individual ones for each person kept my brain operating at full strength and I really didn't have much time to think about him...
This is the first time I have not disolved into tears and taken to my bed, rolled into a ball of misery....and
IT FEELS WONDERFUL.
Am splurging on a nice fillet steak (for 1...ME) with fresh salad from my garden, for my dinner tonight.
Guess his dinner will be same as for breakfast and lunch....beer. Dessert the same.
Don't know what the next hours or days have in store for me, but leave that in God's gentle hands and let Him handle it as He is doing fine so far.
Thanks to all of you for your boosts and caring, it helps so much doesn't it?
God bless
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