ElSol

I came here to find anwsers to my problem, who is y boyfriend of almost 4 years and and addict for about 20 yr of his life. In short, heroin is his drug of choice, and he has been on and of of it for years. Last 5 years on methadone (that is when we met). Our relationship started on lies, starting with the him not telling me about his addiction and past, jail ect...any way I continued to stay with him as I tought he just needs another chance and some one not to give up on him...He has put me thru a lot. Last 6 most started using again, went to 2-3 weeks binges, ended up in jail.........which was a blessing in his mind. I still stayed with him. Got out after 2 mo-clean. We had best 3 days in my life, I have seen the man he can be but deep down my gut was telling me it's not gona last for long. This man comes from family that has drug abuse history: uncles that he grew up with and his own brother. Yet, I was there with him becasue I wanted to be, just like he wanted to use drugs. I realize I am co dependent but I also realize I want out. So after 1 month being out he relapsed and finaly admmited it to me after I cornered him about $40 missing among other things. Yes, he is back on dope, he say he wants out and he is going back to methadone clinic, which I hope he wil do, but I can't get over what happaned. I can't love him anymore, my hart, my soul, my dignity has been crushed and thrown to sewer. I just don't know where to get the strenth to actualy do it. I am planning on going to Nar Anon meetings but is there anything else I can do? I wish I could just disappear........................

soberinwpg

Answer the question....do you really want to live like this anymore?
Write down your dreams for yourself. Journal. Focus on you. If you love something let it go. Give him over to a Higher Power. Let someone else take care of him. Then give yourself over to a Higher Power and let it take care of you.

Impurrfect

((Elsol)) - Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brings you here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict) as well as a codie (codependent) with a few loved ones who are addicts.

I can tell you that, from the way it sounds, things are probably going to get worse...much worse, rather than better. Methadone isn't a cure for heroin addiction. Recovery from addiction takes a lot of work, and we addicts have to want it really, really bad. I don't see him doing anything BUT the methadone. I had to leave my boyfriend, who I loved dearly, because he was (and is) still using.

Prior to him, I stayed with a functioning alcoholic for more than 20 years.

No one can tell you the magic words to make you strong enough to leave. It has to come from within you. Most of us codies are as addicted to our addicts as our addicts are addicted to their dope. Al-anon or nar-anon meetings help a lot of people. A book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is also really good.

Reading/posting here is also a huge amount of support for me. In fact, this is where I finally got MY strength in dealing with my own codie behaviors.

You may want to read around on some other posts and see what other people have or are going through with their addicts. It's not a life I wish on my worst enemy, and I will forever be sorry for what I put my own loved ones through with my own addiction, but I have over 2-1/2 years clean and have done my best to put that life behind me.

Oh, and one more thing - there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that you can do to help him get clean. Recovery from addiction HAS to come from him, and he needs support from other recovering addicts. He will have probably have to hit bottom before he even tries, and sadly, some never find their bottom or die before they do.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Penny said this a while back:

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

teke

just want to chime in to welcome you. i'm a recovering addict who had to separate from my husband of 23yrs in order to regain some sanity. i agree with the others, there is nothing you can do to help him, he has to want to help himself.

focus on you, when you are ready to stop the madness for yourself, youi will know and the strength will follow.you may not feel able to leave right now but you can began to make plans on how you want your life to look in the near future and start to work toward that goal. its not easy but one day at a time, it will get better for you. you and yours are in my prayers.

Spiritual Seeker

You've made up your mind, Now make a plan and stick to it.
Take the emotion out of it...and save yourself.

See a therapist if you need to.
Find a home group of alanon or naranon and attend regularly.

MsPINKAcres

((ElSol))

Take a deep breath, grab hold of your HP's hand and take that leap -

Trust me - I know it's scary, I know you are afraid - but there is strength, courage and wisdom in you - more than you even realize -

When you awake each morning - wash your face, look in the mirror and say . . .

"Higher Power, We made it thru yesterday, together, You and I can make it thru today"

Seek the love and support of al-anon, nar-anon, counseling, your church or whatever spiritual group helps you, continue seeking support here on SR - theses are the things that helped me and I believe they have helped others.

Remember you deserve to live Happy, joyous and free - YOU ARE WORTH IT!!

HUGS,
Rita

coffeedrinker

When that's where I was a couple months ago, I kept talking in code, saying "I can't live like this anymore" but didn't have the courage to say what I wanted face to face. I finally waiting til he was out of town and the day after he left, called and said three things that he had done recently (shooting up in my bathroom, lying about.... etc) I said "You know, don't you, that I knew you were using in my bathroom. You know this and that..." and ended with "you know, don't you, that I have to let you go". I never lost the sadness and compassion in my tone, of course was crying and he called later to clarify if I was really serious. I kept saying simply "I have to."

(I have since changed my mind and let him back in....that's a work in progress)

Just try and tell him that you love him, but that you have no choice.

Good luck

ElSol

Oh, boy reading your replies to my post, still makes me confused. I guess I need time..... I know I have to get support from naranoan and can't wait to attend first meeting this Tusday, I wish I could find one today. To clarify I know, I can't save him, I know he has to do it himself, I just belived that he wanted to get better. Now I know he still is not able or might not be ever to be able to stay sober. Do I let him know how I feel and prepare myslef for departure or just try to disapear and pray not to go back, as of right now I do not forsee any future together.

MsPINKAcres

It just the choice you will have to make -
telling him or not telling him.

Sometimes telling them makes it harder because the Addicts are so good at giving us those convincing lines of "i'm changing, i'm trying, I'll do better" quack, quack, quack.

in all honesty - I believe that they may really want to do those things but just don't have the tools or are not willing to USE to tools to fight the disease.

FOR ME, I had to say "Yes, I love and care for you, but it's time to love and care for ME more - that's the only way to stop this insanity and unhealthy relationship. One of us has to get help and Let it Begin with me."

HUGS,
Rita

ElSol

So there are new events since my las post. He is in methadone clinic and seems to be ok from that prespective. He got drunk day before Thansgiving and was impossoble to talk to, coming up with an excuse that he was dpressed about what happened and that he knows he fu.......ed up and he feels like he put everybody down. He was rely angry at me wanting to talk to him, in the mater of fact he still isn't open to a conversation, It like he does not want to hear it, but at the same time he claims he does and he needs me to support him as he goes thru that. You can all imagine what else he is saying, we have all been there. He has an attitude when I tell him not to tell me what is he going to do, how things are going to be and mostly to not say he is sorry... I am being blunt with him and I tell him to just concentarte on here and now. I did tell him I am going to meeting to get help he seem ok with that. I just dont know if his reaction as an addict to his relaps is normal, or is he still in deniel. Does any one here can tell me maybe some one who has replepsed before. Basicly when I start saying anything, he says he knows everthing and he is sorry, ect.....................It's like he shuts me down. Is this normal? or begining for things to get worst?

Impurrfect

((Elsol))

I can tell you how I was, when I relapsed, but that doesn't mean it's the same for everyone.

I was incredibly ashamed, embarrassed, and broken. I had let my family down, and was ready to do WHATEVER it took to make it up to them. My DOC (drug of choice) was crack, so there's no withdrawal or detox..just the mental stuff.

I'd lost my job (or thought I had...I later found out I could work with the same restaurant chain, but not the same store I'd worked in). I was sick - bronchitis from being on the streets for over a week with no sleep. After 2-3 days in bed, coughing my head off, I got on my dad's computer (my laptop had been stolen) and applied for every job I could. I helped around the house, my dad is self-employed and I helped him with HIS job. When he lashed out at me, or wanted to talk, I talked. Yes, it hurt, but I felt I owed it to him I had been "lurking" on SR for about a year...started doing it again. I didn't sign on for 6 more months, but I read a LOT. I didn't go to meetings. I've been before, in another town, and I still use what I learned there, but for ME, I found enough support without them. I think a lot of people NEED meetings and I recommend them.

I still spend a lot of time on SR, and I have friends here that I keep in touch with on a daily basis by e-mail and here on the board. I have an aunt and a friend who has known me forever (she was my mom's best friend) who are extremely supportive of me, and my family. I don't hang around people who do dope. I work and I pay bills. I've gone back to school to try to get another career (lost my nursing career to crack).

I have over 2-1/2 years clean and I ABSOLUTELY could not have done it without the support of the other recovering addicts here at SR. I'm also pretty darned codependent and when I couldn't deal with that, my reaction was to use, so I've depended on the great folks here to learn about codepency. THAT has helped my addiction recovery tremendously.

This is just how MY recovery has gone. I did say "I'm sorry", more than a few times, but I also immediately did whatever I could to right the wrongs I had done. My dad spent close to $1500 to keep me from going to jail (the one time he enabled me) and I worked every hour I could and paid him back in 6 weeks.

Words mean nothing from an addict. My XABF told me all kinds of things and he is still out there using. My actions are what got my family to trust in me again, to believe that I was serious about recovery.

I don't know if this helps any. If you've got any questions, feel free to pm me. I'm here every day

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

outtolunch

Getting drunk, eh?

Heroin, Methadone, Alcohol, whatever......this is how he chooses to live his life.

Only you can decide if you want to live with someone, on these terms.

ElSol

Just wanted to share, that I made it to my first meeting of families anonymus on Monday and another today. I am starting to see some light at the end of the tunel. Realizing that I have a problem was a first big step to my recovery and hopefully his. AS I learn new things I will try to share them here with you.

Impurrfect

(((Elsol)))

I'm so glad you went. It was hard for me, when I got involved with MY first XABF to learn that I had just as much of a problem as he did. It took me more than 20 years to get to that point, and by then, I'd developed my own addiction - in part to deal with my codie-ness.

I'm really proud of you for taking this first step. When we can see OUR parts and learn what we can change (us) and can't change (them), and really, really get it, life gets a lot better. It's still not EASY, but I promise, you will be amazed at the strength you have within you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

MsPINKAcres

That's awesome!!!!

so glad you were able to make that meeting - usually the 1st one is the hardest -

The program is simple, but not easy - us ladies talk about putting on our BIG GIRL panties and learning to take care of ourselves.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing - I'm so excited for you embrace this new life of learning to be Happy, Joyous and FREE!!

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita