Please welcome JB17
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Pleasantville, NJ
Posts: 3
Please welcome JB17
Hello - I am new to this...my husband is only 2 weeks sober and here's how everything has gone so far...
He couldn't get close enough to me until yesterday. telling me how much he loved me, how he knows he's hurt me, etc. I stayed in with him, took care of him, made sure he ate, etc.
As of yesterday, he starts pulling away and today even worse. I had suggested that we go to a counselor together just to make sure we were doing things right - he went, but is now mad at me. Says he was "ganged up on" - I have never spoken to this counselor before, so how can that be?
He is now telling me he wants me to leave him alone - I just don't know what's going on here? Is this what happens sometimes?
He couldn't get close enough to me until yesterday. telling me how much he loved me, how he knows he's hurt me, etc. I stayed in with him, took care of him, made sure he ate, etc.
As of yesterday, he starts pulling away and today even worse. I had suggested that we go to a counselor together just to make sure we were doing things right - he went, but is now mad at me. Says he was "ganged up on" - I have never spoken to this counselor before, so how can that be?
He is now telling me he wants me to leave him alone - I just don't know what's going on here? Is this what happens sometimes?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi JB and welcome to SR. New sobriety is often difficult for everyone involved. You don't mention if your husband went to treatment or meetings. I know that when my loved one was making changes, I had to find a support group of my own. I was able to attend Al Anon meetings which helped me to understand what was going on and to keep my focus on myself.
Hopefully others will be along soon to offer their own experience, strength and hope.
Hopefully others will be along soon to offer their own experience, strength and hope.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi JB17, the "you guys are ganging up on me," accusation is rather familiar o me. I have heard it from my father for years. He is in advanced alcoholism.
I think there will be a lot of crazy things going on while your hubby works through what he is working through. You may want to take a big step back and let him take the reins. He needs to identify when he needs to get help, and he needs to reach out for that help. When you do these things for him, you put yourself in the line of fire to take the blame for whatever goes "wrong" with him.
Have you gone to Al-Anon yet? You can find their number in the phone book. Or do a web search of your city or county and "Al-Anon."
I think there will be a lot of crazy things going on while your hubby works through what he is working through. You may want to take a big step back and let him take the reins. He needs to identify when he needs to get help, and he needs to reach out for that help. When you do these things for him, you put yourself in the line of fire to take the blame for whatever goes "wrong" with him.
Have you gone to Al-Anon yet? You can find their number in the phone book. Or do a web search of your city or county and "Al-Anon."
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Pleasantville, NJ
Posts: 3
Lots to learn!
Thanks so much for your replies - I have felt very alone for a long time and it's ironic that I'm reaching out now, when progress may actually be happening.
I'm afraid to be too positive (which is hard for me - I'm a pretty positive person) because I'm afraid of what will happen if he relapses.
My husband has not yet sought any treatment on his own - he's been going it alone, but apparently talking to other people - he mentioned today that he was talking to someone who goes to AA. It's strange, but I feel left out right now. I really want to help him, but I think your advice is right on - he needs to do this himself. He made the decision to stop himself and he didn't even tell me - he just stopped.
I know that I have co-dependent issues too - the need I have to "help" and "take care" makes it pretty obvious! I grew up with an alcoholic father too, so I'm sure there are plenty of nasty little issues buried deep.
I did find out the schedule tonight for Alanon meetings and plan on attending tomorrow. I've been nervous to go - I think I've done quite a job projecting an "all is perfect" image and it's hard to admit it's not. I think it will probably be helpful to find others who share the same issues.
I'm afraid to be too positive (which is hard for me - I'm a pretty positive person) because I'm afraid of what will happen if he relapses.
My husband has not yet sought any treatment on his own - he's been going it alone, but apparently talking to other people - he mentioned today that he was talking to someone who goes to AA. It's strange, but I feel left out right now. I really want to help him, but I think your advice is right on - he needs to do this himself. He made the decision to stop himself and he didn't even tell me - he just stopped.
I know that I have co-dependent issues too - the need I have to "help" and "take care" makes it pretty obvious! I grew up with an alcoholic father too, so I'm sure there are plenty of nasty little issues buried deep.
I did find out the schedule tonight for Alanon meetings and plan on attending tomorrow. I've been nervous to go - I think I've done quite a job projecting an "all is perfect" image and it's hard to admit it's not. I think it will probably be helpful to find others who share the same issues.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I've done quite a job projecting an "all is perfect" image and it's hard to admit it's not. I think it will probably be helpful to find others who share the same issues.
Oh my, that was my marriage too. When I finally realized I really needed help with my emotions, it was like a damn broke! I would start crying when I tried to tell people that all was not well in our "perfect marriage". My advise, is reach out! Let others love you, hug you and support you.
I had been spending so much of my energy trying to control the uncontrollable, I was exhausted mentally and physically.
Alanon is a great source of support for you. SR is also.
You mentioned you are aware of being codie (codependent). What steps are you taking to help yourself take care of yourself? I can recommend Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More" as a great place to start.
Make yourself at home here by posting and reading as much as needed. We care about you!
Oh my, that was my marriage too. When I finally realized I really needed help with my emotions, it was like a damn broke! I would start crying when I tried to tell people that all was not well in our "perfect marriage". My advise, is reach out! Let others love you, hug you and support you.
I had been spending so much of my energy trying to control the uncontrollable, I was exhausted mentally and physically.
Alanon is a great source of support for you. SR is also.
You mentioned you are aware of being codie (codependent). What steps are you taking to help yourself take care of yourself? I can recommend Melody Beatties book "Codependent No More" as a great place to start.
Make yourself at home here by posting and reading as much as needed. We care about you!
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