what do i do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
what do i do?
hope you all can help and shed some clarity.. knowing i am far from having as bad a situation as some of you, i still feel i need some support.
My boyfriend and i have been together just over a year, i knew he enjoyed doing drugs when i met him and i took the risk and went out thinking his habit wouldnt affect me (being a non-drug-taker myself) he knew i was against it but never gave me the change to accept it of him. he lied and he hid the habit from me (or thought i didnt know) to the point where he would leave me for a few hours at a club so he could go off and get his fix. Evenutally i got so tired and so hurt by his deceit that i confronted him and told him i knew what was going on and it was me or the drugs. he said he chose me, yet in his mind i think he thought he needed to be more careful.
a few months past and i couldnt catch him yet i strongly suspected he was still doing. when i tried to talk to him about my suspicious i was met by a very angry defensive attitude denying my allocations and slating my mistrust. One night i was treated very badly, i was ignored and he acted like i didnt exist, eventually i did catch him and i left. i didnt hear from him for about 18 hours when eventually he must've come down and started to feel sick. i went home to break up with him and i found a very sorry person who realised things had gone too far and he would change and stop,
for the last 5 months i have believed him, he really did make an effort and have been much happier and only been suspicious that he was doing again only a few times. when i asked about my suspisions it was a completely calm reassuring no, compared to the angry and defensive denial i used to get. however, this past weekend he got angry with me and we had a fight because he says he wants to do the drug "once in a blue moon" and i cant accept it so if he has to he will lie and hide it from me. since then hes been offish and acted like i have done something wrong because of how i feel about his habit and the betrayal that he is breaking promises he made to me when i was on the brink of leaving him. like he has no regard for how seriously i feel about it or how badly it affects me.
Realising he is who he is and that i cant and have no right to try and control him.. I have agreed to try accept his habit on the grounds that he is open and honest with me about it. what i fear is that now ive agreed to try, will he take advantage and not even consider i am against the habit. I am concerned about the levels his habit could get to (he is far from being an addict at the moment, he has come a long way from the addict he was before we met) I am worried that it will bring lies and deceit into our relationship again, in which case I no longer want to be in the relationship.
i think the reason i am so against something i have never done and dont understand is because it brought lies and deceit into our relationship, he never gave me the chance to try accept the habit. its something when i try and talk about generally he doesnt want to talk about and just gets angry with me as i am wronging him..
It doesn’t have a bad effect on his mood or his temperament when he is doing, he just thinks to hide it from its better I am ignored at the time, which of course hurts me… He is the person i am inlove with and want to spend my life with. He says he feels the same and i believe his feelings except when we have these drug conversations and he seems to be a completely different person. i feel like he doesnt have the care to even talk to me about it. how can i be such a special person or "most precious part of his life" when he cant bring himself to even talk to me. Is it guilt about it or does he really just not care?
i do not want to leave him. I need his support in trying to help me accept the habit and i need help from others when i am finding it hard to deal with..
My boyfriend and i have been together just over a year, i knew he enjoyed doing drugs when i met him and i took the risk and went out thinking his habit wouldnt affect me (being a non-drug-taker myself) he knew i was against it but never gave me the change to accept it of him. he lied and he hid the habit from me (or thought i didnt know) to the point where he would leave me for a few hours at a club so he could go off and get his fix. Evenutally i got so tired and so hurt by his deceit that i confronted him and told him i knew what was going on and it was me or the drugs. he said he chose me, yet in his mind i think he thought he needed to be more careful.
a few months past and i couldnt catch him yet i strongly suspected he was still doing. when i tried to talk to him about my suspicious i was met by a very angry defensive attitude denying my allocations and slating my mistrust. One night i was treated very badly, i was ignored and he acted like i didnt exist, eventually i did catch him and i left. i didnt hear from him for about 18 hours when eventually he must've come down and started to feel sick. i went home to break up with him and i found a very sorry person who realised things had gone too far and he would change and stop,
for the last 5 months i have believed him, he really did make an effort and have been much happier and only been suspicious that he was doing again only a few times. when i asked about my suspisions it was a completely calm reassuring no, compared to the angry and defensive denial i used to get. however, this past weekend he got angry with me and we had a fight because he says he wants to do the drug "once in a blue moon" and i cant accept it so if he has to he will lie and hide it from me. since then hes been offish and acted like i have done something wrong because of how i feel about his habit and the betrayal that he is breaking promises he made to me when i was on the brink of leaving him. like he has no regard for how seriously i feel about it or how badly it affects me.
Realising he is who he is and that i cant and have no right to try and control him.. I have agreed to try accept his habit on the grounds that he is open and honest with me about it. what i fear is that now ive agreed to try, will he take advantage and not even consider i am against the habit. I am concerned about the levels his habit could get to (he is far from being an addict at the moment, he has come a long way from the addict he was before we met) I am worried that it will bring lies and deceit into our relationship again, in which case I no longer want to be in the relationship.
i think the reason i am so against something i have never done and dont understand is because it brought lies and deceit into our relationship, he never gave me the chance to try accept the habit. its something when i try and talk about generally he doesnt want to talk about and just gets angry with me as i am wronging him..
It doesn’t have a bad effect on his mood or his temperament when he is doing, he just thinks to hide it from its better I am ignored at the time, which of course hurts me… He is the person i am inlove with and want to spend my life with. He says he feels the same and i believe his feelings except when we have these drug conversations and he seems to be a completely different person. i feel like he doesnt have the care to even talk to me about it. how can i be such a special person or "most precious part of his life" when he cant bring himself to even talk to me. Is it guilt about it or does he really just not care?
i do not want to leave him. I need his support in trying to help me accept the habit and i need help from others when i am finding it hard to deal with..
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Lying, manipulating, being decietful, anger, these were all parts of my alcoholism when I was drinking, heck thay were even parts of me when I was not drinking but wanting to or knowing I was going to soon.
I am an alcoholic, but I have many friends who are addicts and from what they have shared with me our traits are very similar.
I will let the addicts here speak from thier experience and correct me if I am wrong. (Would not be the first time! LOL)
Oh yea BTW accepting his habit.................... well you may as well be buying it for him!
When I was deep into my alcoholism my wife did not accept it, after 5 straight years of living with a drunk she told me she was not going to let the kids watch me drink myself to death, they were leaving!
Alcoholism and drug addiction never get better as long as an alcoholic is drinking or an addict is using, it always gets worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS!
I am an alcoholic, but I have many friends who are addicts and from what they have shared with me our traits are very similar.
I will let the addicts here speak from thier experience and correct me if I am wrong. (Would not be the first time! LOL)
Oh yea BTW accepting his habit.................... well you may as well be buying it for him!
When I was deep into my alcoholism my wife did not accept it, after 5 straight years of living with a drunk she told me she was not going to let the kids watch me drink myself to death, they were leaving!
Alcoholism and drug addiction never get better as long as an alcoholic is drinking or an addict is using, it always gets worse!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ALWAYS!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Miami, Fl
Posts: 37
Hello brokendown100 and welcome to this forum. You have taken the right step by seeking help in helping you understand what is going on in you relationship and how to "fix" the problem both of you are facing. Addiction is a VERY complex disease which can leave a non-user-untrained-person puzzled, helpless, and confused.
It seems that you are asking for help in trying to get you to accept "the habit" your BF has (please clarify if this is not so)? Unfortunatly, the purpose of this forum is not get us to accept destructive "habits" but to help us in overcoming them so we can have a sober life. Additionally, those close to addicts also find support in helping them cope with the situations they are facing.
With that said, I can tell you that your BF shows clear signs of addictive behavior. His denial and defensive attitude towards you when confronted says it all. In fact, it has gone so far to the point where YOU are also in denial of the problem he is having and are now seeking ways to rationalize his behaviour and blaming yourself for not accepting his "habits".
IMO, recovery starts with acknowledging that a problem exists and that it requires immediate and full attention. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes. Some have very important positions in society and live otherwise "normal" lives. The mainsteam concept of an addict being someone that's in gutter and/or full of needle holes only amounts to a VERY small percentage of the population suffering from this disease.
For now, you should stop rationalizing, minimizing, and accepting his addiction. Also, read as much as you can from this forum. There is a section dedicated to those who are living with someone that suffers from this disease. That should be a good place to start.
I wish both of you the best and if you need anything just let me know via pm.
It seems that you are asking for help in trying to get you to accept "the habit" your BF has (please clarify if this is not so)? Unfortunatly, the purpose of this forum is not get us to accept destructive "habits" but to help us in overcoming them so we can have a sober life. Additionally, those close to addicts also find support in helping them cope with the situations they are facing.
With that said, I can tell you that your BF shows clear signs of addictive behavior. His denial and defensive attitude towards you when confronted says it all. In fact, it has gone so far to the point where YOU are also in denial of the problem he is having and are now seeking ways to rationalize his behaviour and blaming yourself for not accepting his "habits".
IMO, recovery starts with acknowledging that a problem exists and that it requires immediate and full attention. Addicts come in all shapes and sizes. Some have very important positions in society and live otherwise "normal" lives. The mainsteam concept of an addict being someone that's in gutter and/or full of needle holes only amounts to a VERY small percentage of the population suffering from this disease.
For now, you should stop rationalizing, minimizing, and accepting his addiction. Also, read as much as you can from this forum. There is a section dedicated to those who are living with someone that suffers from this disease. That should be a good place to start.
I wish both of you the best and if you need anything just let me know via pm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by brokendown100 
i think the reason i am so against something i have never done and dont understand is because it brought lies and deceit into our relationship
Mark
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 20
Originally Posted by brokendown100
i do not want to leave him. I need his support in trying to help me accept the habit and i need help from others when i am finding it hard to deal with..
Speaking only for myself, what spiritual/emotional energy I have to give others after dealing with my own personal challenges I reserve for people struggling to stay sober and change their lives. If you want to jump on board the Titanic, go right ahead. But don't ask me to help buy your ticket.
Heathen
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: La La Land, USA
Posts: 2,567
I'm sorry, but why in the world do you think this is something you need to *accept*???
If he's an active addict, I'll tell you from MY personal experience, he has no capacity *right now* to love you or more frankly, to give a sh!t how you feel about his drug use.
That my dear is as sick as the addiction he has. I hope you get some help. Like Taz said, you may as well be buying the drugs for him.
Please go visit the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum, they have unfortunate experience with loving addicts, and have a ton of insight to share when it comes to trying to maintain sanity while dealing with addiction in their relationships.
If any one of my friends came to me to ask me what to do in your situation, I would tell them to run. Fast. And I would ask them to get some serious counseling or alanon help to try and understand why they would ever think this is something necessary to accept in a relationship, it's unhealthy.
If he's an active addict, I'll tell you from MY personal experience, he has no capacity *right now* to love you or more frankly, to give a sh!t how you feel about his drug use.
i do not want to leave him. I need his support in trying to help me accept the habit and i need help from others when i am finding it hard to deal with..
Please go visit the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers forum, they have unfortunate experience with loving addicts, and have a ton of insight to share when it comes to trying to maintain sanity while dealing with addiction in their relationships.
If any one of my friends came to me to ask me what to do in your situation, I would tell them to run. Fast. And I would ask them to get some serious counseling or alanon help to try and understand why they would ever think this is something necessary to accept in a relationship, it's unhealthy.
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