I'm new here and completely lost...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Land of the Lost
Posts: 7
I'm new here and completely lost...
I've lurked for a little while reading, trying to understand, figure out where I am and what I'm doing and I still sit here just shaking my head. I don't quite have all the terms and abbreviations yet so bear with me.
My fiance (we have been together 4 years and had a wedding planned for June 19, 2010) relapsed and is in jail.
We met and fell in love 4 years ago when he was clean, he told me not to far down the road that he had a problem in the past but we never really discussed it in depth. We had a great couple of years and he started using again, his actions at the time caused me to leave him, I didn't realise in that time that he was using again because I had never experienced that before. He left town and went to rehab came back clean and we gave it another go and became engaged.
So here we are 2 years after his first relapse and it's happened again. I knew something was going on this time but so much crap had happened (his exwife moved his son 1000 miles away and several family members were killed within a months time) that everytime I would ask him what was going on he would tell me that he was just missing so and so or just feeling a little depressed and I would get the same answer when I asked why things weren't working out in the bedroom. Little things were coming up missing, money missing here and there but there is a lot of kids in and out of my house so I never felt like I could point a finger at anyone.
He would tell me he was going to meetings and to church and I believed him (I am working 3 jobs and going to school and raising 3 kids so I couldn't be there all the time) but one day something just got a hold of me and I decided I needed to be there with him so I left work to go to Church and he wasn't there. So I texted him and acted like I was getting off early and he told me he was going with the youth group for pizza and blah blah blah and would be home later.
So I sat at home angry and hurt and betrayed and he comes home and I could just tell, he was high, I didn't know on what but when I looked at him he was missing, he wasn't in there, it was just his body in front of me, making noise that didn't make any sense, the voice wasn't even his.
I told him he needed to leave and he asked why and I just looked at him and asked him if I really needed to answer that. He said "ok, **** you then" and left and I didn't hear from him for a whole week. No idea where he went or what he did.
Then I get a call from jail, I guess his free call cause it was a person that connected us and he didn't say it was charging me but all he had to say was "thank you for showing me what real love is all about" and hung up. I didn't get to say anything or ask anything, that's it, it was just over. So I wrote like the next day and sent off a letter and put money on his books so he could buy stamps and such and waited to hear something else. (no he's never been in jail before, I just know the routine because of my job) I find out through court records that he's locked up for something he did when he relapsed before but he never told me about it.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 weeks now. I keep wondering if there is something I did, could have done to prevent it, something I should have seen sooner, handled different. I'm a mess. I don't know which end is up and I am so freaking pissed that it's scary and not just at him, at myself too. I knew nothing about addiction and recovery and I am reading so many things now that say I should have been working a program with him if we choose to continue our relationship and all the warning signs were there but I didn't arm myself with information so I didn't see them. I trusted him. I believed in him.
I love this man and was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him and now I don't even know what tomorrow brings. I've spent thousands of dollars planning a wedding that just went up in a puff of smoke. I sit here looking at this ring on my finger and I don't know if it ever meant anything to him. I don't know at what was truth and what was deception. I finally got to talk to him last night and he said he's been clean since the 10th and that he doesn't want anyone to bail him out, that he want's to wait for sentancing and that he has a better chance of getting into a program from jail. Although hearing his voice brought me a great deal of relief I was suprised at the coldness I felt towards him, all I could say was "good cause I had no plans to get you out!" He said he loves me and he's sorry and that he does want to get better and that he should have gotten into a more intense program when he came back and all I can do is sit here and think to myself "what other kind of lies is he gonna throw at me"
He want's me to come see him tomorrow and everyone around me is pressuring me to go to make myself feel better because I am really falling apart right now but I don't want to see him, I'm afraid to see him, I don't know if I am strong enough to see him and I feel like I need to stay angry right now and that scares me. What part of love is this? Do I really love him if I feel this way?
I know noone has all the answers for me, I think I mostly just needed to get my feelings off my chest. Maybe sleep and sunrise will bring me clarity, the nights are the worst...
My fiance (we have been together 4 years and had a wedding planned for June 19, 2010) relapsed and is in jail.
We met and fell in love 4 years ago when he was clean, he told me not to far down the road that he had a problem in the past but we never really discussed it in depth. We had a great couple of years and he started using again, his actions at the time caused me to leave him, I didn't realise in that time that he was using again because I had never experienced that before. He left town and went to rehab came back clean and we gave it another go and became engaged.
So here we are 2 years after his first relapse and it's happened again. I knew something was going on this time but so much crap had happened (his exwife moved his son 1000 miles away and several family members were killed within a months time) that everytime I would ask him what was going on he would tell me that he was just missing so and so or just feeling a little depressed and I would get the same answer when I asked why things weren't working out in the bedroom. Little things were coming up missing, money missing here and there but there is a lot of kids in and out of my house so I never felt like I could point a finger at anyone.
He would tell me he was going to meetings and to church and I believed him (I am working 3 jobs and going to school and raising 3 kids so I couldn't be there all the time) but one day something just got a hold of me and I decided I needed to be there with him so I left work to go to Church and he wasn't there. So I texted him and acted like I was getting off early and he told me he was going with the youth group for pizza and blah blah blah and would be home later.
So I sat at home angry and hurt and betrayed and he comes home and I could just tell, he was high, I didn't know on what but when I looked at him he was missing, he wasn't in there, it was just his body in front of me, making noise that didn't make any sense, the voice wasn't even his.
I told him he needed to leave and he asked why and I just looked at him and asked him if I really needed to answer that. He said "ok, **** you then" and left and I didn't hear from him for a whole week. No idea where he went or what he did.
Then I get a call from jail, I guess his free call cause it was a person that connected us and he didn't say it was charging me but all he had to say was "thank you for showing me what real love is all about" and hung up. I didn't get to say anything or ask anything, that's it, it was just over. So I wrote like the next day and sent off a letter and put money on his books so he could buy stamps and such and waited to hear something else. (no he's never been in jail before, I just know the routine because of my job) I find out through court records that he's locked up for something he did when he relapsed before but he never told me about it.
I've been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 weeks now. I keep wondering if there is something I did, could have done to prevent it, something I should have seen sooner, handled different. I'm a mess. I don't know which end is up and I am so freaking pissed that it's scary and not just at him, at myself too. I knew nothing about addiction and recovery and I am reading so many things now that say I should have been working a program with him if we choose to continue our relationship and all the warning signs were there but I didn't arm myself with information so I didn't see them. I trusted him. I believed in him.
I love this man and was prepared to spend the rest of my life with him and now I don't even know what tomorrow brings. I've spent thousands of dollars planning a wedding that just went up in a puff of smoke. I sit here looking at this ring on my finger and I don't know if it ever meant anything to him. I don't know at what was truth and what was deception. I finally got to talk to him last night and he said he's been clean since the 10th and that he doesn't want anyone to bail him out, that he want's to wait for sentancing and that he has a better chance of getting into a program from jail. Although hearing his voice brought me a great deal of relief I was suprised at the coldness I felt towards him, all I could say was "good cause I had no plans to get you out!" He said he loves me and he's sorry and that he does want to get better and that he should have gotten into a more intense program when he came back and all I can do is sit here and think to myself "what other kind of lies is he gonna throw at me"
He want's me to come see him tomorrow and everyone around me is pressuring me to go to make myself feel better because I am really falling apart right now but I don't want to see him, I'm afraid to see him, I don't know if I am strong enough to see him and I feel like I need to stay angry right now and that scares me. What part of love is this? Do I really love him if I feel this way?
I know noone has all the answers for me, I think I mostly just needed to get my feelings off my chest. Maybe sleep and sunrise will bring me clarity, the nights are the worst...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
One thing I have to reiterate is that you have no control over this, you cannot "change" him or "fix" him, etc. When my husband was using, I remember I used to clean when I was angry. It was like I was cleaning this stain away--and had taken control over something that I COULD change. There was also this element of, "if I do things well enough, if I'm a good mom/wife/housekeeper, he won't be stressed, he won't be upset and I won't DRIVE him to use." It took me a very very long time to stop walking on eggs around him, thinking that I actually was the cause or trigger for him using.
That is one of the most important things that I relay to you, and one of the most important things that you need to start believing. Addicts will find any excuse, ANY reason to use:
Bad traffic
Argument
Loss of friendship / loss of life
Pet puked up on the carpet
Someone bumped into me
Someone BREATHED MY AIR
It doesn't matter. If they can justify it, they will. But, the bottom line is that nothing CAUSED them to use. They picked up the dope and they used it.
I can't speak FOR him, but chances are if he asked you to marry him and worked hard after his first relapse to get sober and be with you that he does love you. But, here's the deal. It's not that he doesn't love, it's that he loves something else more right now--he loves the drug. Until that changes, it doesn't matter if you look like Angelina Jolie, have a body that gives men instant-O's, if you cook and keep a house like Martha Stewart. That drug is still his first love until he decides that he's had enough and wants his life back.
He wants to stay in jail because there's structure, order and the physical means to restrain him from using. It's good that he sees this because he knows his weaknesses. I volunteer in a jail (I teach creative writing) and many of the incarcerated men and women I work with have that same fear: "I'm afraid of getting out of jail."
A few things I would keep in mind:
Relapse is usually a part of recovery. I'd say this is true for most people.
I understand the "coldness" factor. It's something I still struggle with. For me, my husband's addiction was killing everything I felt for him, but I believe we're on a great path back and he's been sober for over a year now. I've made it clear that he must be honest with me if he slips. He knows that a slip could mean that I'm gone (and that I'll take our child with me). But, it's the lying that killed that passion in me for so long. It's that breach of trust.
I would go and talk to him if I were in your shoes. I'd hear what he has to say. He's in a "safe place" right now (as weird as that sounds). If he can get help through the corrections system then that is hopeful. I would seek an naranon/alanon group. I would seek joint/couples sessions with whomever he sees (if possible) or with another party. I would also suggest talking to someone yourself. Sorting through all of this is so difficult. I couldn't do it alone and it took me longer to admit that than it should have. Don't be too proud or too stubborn to take care of yourself.
We can't make the decision for you (as you probably know!)
Love yourself.
Be good to yourself.
And keep us updated.
Love and light X10000000
ZW
That is one of the most important things that I relay to you, and one of the most important things that you need to start believing. Addicts will find any excuse, ANY reason to use:
Bad traffic
Argument
Loss of friendship / loss of life
Pet puked up on the carpet
Someone bumped into me
Someone BREATHED MY AIR
It doesn't matter. If they can justify it, they will. But, the bottom line is that nothing CAUSED them to use. They picked up the dope and they used it.
I can't speak FOR him, but chances are if he asked you to marry him and worked hard after his first relapse to get sober and be with you that he does love you. But, here's the deal. It's not that he doesn't love, it's that he loves something else more right now--he loves the drug. Until that changes, it doesn't matter if you look like Angelina Jolie, have a body that gives men instant-O's, if you cook and keep a house like Martha Stewart. That drug is still his first love until he decides that he's had enough and wants his life back.
He wants to stay in jail because there's structure, order and the physical means to restrain him from using. It's good that he sees this because he knows his weaknesses. I volunteer in a jail (I teach creative writing) and many of the incarcerated men and women I work with have that same fear: "I'm afraid of getting out of jail."
A few things I would keep in mind:
Relapse is usually a part of recovery. I'd say this is true for most people.
I understand the "coldness" factor. It's something I still struggle with. For me, my husband's addiction was killing everything I felt for him, but I believe we're on a great path back and he's been sober for over a year now. I've made it clear that he must be honest with me if he slips. He knows that a slip could mean that I'm gone (and that I'll take our child with me). But, it's the lying that killed that passion in me for so long. It's that breach of trust.
I would go and talk to him if I were in your shoes. I'd hear what he has to say. He's in a "safe place" right now (as weird as that sounds). If he can get help through the corrections system then that is hopeful. I would seek an naranon/alanon group. I would seek joint/couples sessions with whomever he sees (if possible) or with another party. I would also suggest talking to someone yourself. Sorting through all of this is so difficult. I couldn't do it alone and it took me longer to admit that than it should have. Don't be too proud or too stubborn to take care of yourself.
We can't make the decision for you (as you probably know!)
Love yourself.
Be good to yourself.
And keep us updated.
Love and light X10000000
ZW
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Maybe sleep and sunrise will bring me clarity, the nights are the worst...
Coming here, and going to live meetings (Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that have helped many of us enormously) are the best ways of being able to share safely and find your balance again.
You are wise to take a giant step back while you decide what is best for you. We can`t save them, all the love in the world won`t save them, if it would not one of us would be here. Only they can help themselves and it can be a long and painful process to go through it with them, and there are never any guarantees that sobriety will last. For some it does, for some it takes many many tried, and for some it is only temporary and with each relapse the addiction gets worse.
Welcome to our little forum. I hope you will find the understanding and peace here that has helped so many of us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I would go see him. He has been in recovery before. He knows the drill. I would go to alot of alanon. I would put the wedding on the back burner for now. The recovery process for both of you should be formost. You need to work on your alanon. He has his program. The fact that he wants to get into a program is HUGE. Good luck.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome. sorry you have to be here but glad you are. i do agree with the others.
i did marry my recovering addict bf and that was the worse decision i ever made, 23yrs later, i'm separated after going through 21yrs of the on again, off again roller coaster ride. on the other hand, i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean so it is possible. it think it depends on how bad the individual addict is willing to work on themselves. addiction is such a hard habit to kick and it takes a lot of work. rehab is just the beginning stage of recovery. its not a cure all.
i agree with putting the wedding on the back burner for now. in time you will know what is best for you to do concerning that. keep posting, reading and going to f2f meetings. as for going to see him, i do understand you don't want to go so i think its best for you to do what you think is best for you to do. maybe if you want, you can go when you feel its ok for you, and not just because he asked you to. that choice belongs to you, i think. you and yours are in my prayers.
ps, i really think you are on the road to recovery, you separated yourself from the chaos and you are here. keep the focus on you. his actions got him in jail, you had nothing to do with that and nothing you could have done different would have made a difference. i did and said everything i could think of in 21yrs to my ah and he still ended up in jail.
i did marry my recovering addict bf and that was the worse decision i ever made, 23yrs later, i'm separated after going through 21yrs of the on again, off again roller coaster ride. on the other hand, i'm a recovering addict with a few yrs clean so it is possible. it think it depends on how bad the individual addict is willing to work on themselves. addiction is such a hard habit to kick and it takes a lot of work. rehab is just the beginning stage of recovery. its not a cure all.
i agree with putting the wedding on the back burner for now. in time you will know what is best for you to do concerning that. keep posting, reading and going to f2f meetings. as for going to see him, i do understand you don't want to go so i think its best for you to do what you think is best for you to do. maybe if you want, you can go when you feel its ok for you, and not just because he asked you to. that choice belongs to you, i think. you and yours are in my prayers.
ps, i really think you are on the road to recovery, you separated yourself from the chaos and you are here. keep the focus on you. his actions got him in jail, you had nothing to do with that and nothing you could have done different would have made a difference. i did and said everything i could think of in 21yrs to my ah and he still ended up in jail.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by brokeNheartok 
I've been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 weeks now. I keep wondering if there is something I did, could have done to prevent it, something I should have seen sooner, handled different. I'm a mess. I don't know which end is up and I am so freaking pissed that it's scary and not just at him, at myself too. I trusted him. I believed in him.
...
...
Hi and welcome to SR.
I think that what you say here in this paragraph, is VERY VERY common amongst us who love an addict.
Frankly, I don't think that we talk about this enough...because it is such a huge stumbling block for many of us.... (myself included).
The best thing I can say, is that you need to stay close to people who will reassure you that you didn't/couldn't etc. stop or prevent any of this... until you believe it yourself.
I know the pain is tremendous... and i'm not trying to minimize it...
Yet, if you can educate yourself enough, and recieve enough support, you might make it through. You might believe that you deserve 'more' and that there is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING you can do about HIM.
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. Been there......
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: lexington ky
Posts: 5
Speaking from what i am going through right now those of us who love an addict tend to become unhealthy ourselves. When you can't trust the person your with it's the worst kind of feeling. I walk around with this ache in my stomach and I am finally trying to let go. I've been so focused on trying to get him "better" that I finally had to realize I didn't cause his addiction and although I support his recovery I can't do it for him. None of us can and boy have I tried. i know you are hurting. Addiction of any kind has so many victims and not just the users. As hard as it is you have to focus on your kids and getting yourself healthy where your strong enough. I'm trying that exact thing. I focused so much time on this I let myself get so unhappy. We have five kids together so I can't walk away but I can help myself and can control what i do. Take each day slow and come back here. I am really learning a lot here and there are people who are in good places that can give us good advice. It's so hard when we love someone and they disappoint us. We just have to love ourselves more because if we don't we can't live and your children depend on you and need you to spend your time on them not him. I'm sorry for your pain. Hang in there I'm right there with you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
He want's me to come see him tomorrow and everyone around me is pressuring me to go to make myself feel better because I am really falling apart right now but I don't want to see him, I'm afraid to see him, I don't know if I am strong enough to see him and I feel like I need to stay angry right now and that scares me.
What part of love is this?
Do I really love him if I feel this way?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi and welcome. Your story is all to familiar to me and many others here.
My ex put me through and continues to put me through what you are going through now. He was an addict long before I met him. And he continues to be one. Whether he is using or not using, he will always be an addict. There is nothing I can do to help him except stay out of his way and let him be responsible for his own choices. I can't save him. I can't even make his life better or more comfortable because it contributes to his addiction.
Your fiance (ex) is an addict doing what addicts do. This life of relapse and recovery and relapse and recovery was his life before you met him and it continues to be his life now. And it may well continue to be his life into the future as well. he has all the tools he needs to stay well but he has chosen not to use them. And any promise that he makes to get into recovery while he is sitting in jail is B.S. Addicts always make promises. But their actions are the only thing that count. And sitting in jail with forced sobriety is not the same as recovery.
Staying clean is something addicts have to do on a daily basis. They can relapse at anytime and when they make promises never to use again, they can't keep them, because no one can predict the future. The best chance we have is to stay in the moment and accept life exactly the way it is now. Understand that the only thing you have control over is yourself and your choices.
Please continue to learn all you can about addiction and codependency. Learn about boundaries. Ask yourself, What are your boundaries for acceptable behavior? Has your fiance violated them? What are the consequences for violating your boundaries? What kind of people do you want around your children? What do you want your children to learn from you?
Try to make wise choices based on the facts as they are right now, not choices based on feelings and hopes. You won't go wrong if you stay based in reality and focus on your kids.
My ex put me through and continues to put me through what you are going through now. He was an addict long before I met him. And he continues to be one. Whether he is using or not using, he will always be an addict. There is nothing I can do to help him except stay out of his way and let him be responsible for his own choices. I can't save him. I can't even make his life better or more comfortable because it contributes to his addiction.
Your fiance (ex) is an addict doing what addicts do. This life of relapse and recovery and relapse and recovery was his life before you met him and it continues to be his life now. And it may well continue to be his life into the future as well. he has all the tools he needs to stay well but he has chosen not to use them. And any promise that he makes to get into recovery while he is sitting in jail is B.S. Addicts always make promises. But their actions are the only thing that count. And sitting in jail with forced sobriety is not the same as recovery.
Staying clean is something addicts have to do on a daily basis. They can relapse at anytime and when they make promises never to use again, they can't keep them, because no one can predict the future. The best chance we have is to stay in the moment and accept life exactly the way it is now. Understand that the only thing you have control over is yourself and your choices.
Please continue to learn all you can about addiction and codependency. Learn about boundaries. Ask yourself, What are your boundaries for acceptable behavior? Has your fiance violated them? What are the consequences for violating your boundaries? What kind of people do you want around your children? What do you want your children to learn from you?
Try to make wise choices based on the facts as they are right now, not choices based on feelings and hopes. You won't go wrong if you stay based in reality and focus on your kids.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Try to separate this situation from love. This is not about love - it is about an individual who is addicted and nothing makes sense, nor will it. I have to remind myself of this daily. It is not about whether we love them or not. The chaos is caused by the addiction(s) so please don't confuse this with loving him or not. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by cynical one
Nothing you would have said or done would have made him use or not use. You can't work a program with him. You however can work your program, and if he chooses to follow through with his words of wanting to work his program…good on him.
I would trust my gut, and if it's saying you're not ready to see him yet…it's not like he's going anywhere anytime soon…you could always see him when his head has had just a little more time to clear from the fog of drugs he's been in.
Last, relapse is NOT a part of recovery…it's not a requirement, it's not a suggestion. Relapse IS however part of the disease process.
Are his employers going to hold his job for him while he's incarcerated?
I would trust my gut, and if it's saying you're not ready to see him yet…it's not like he's going anywhere anytime soon…you could always see him when his head has had just a little more time to clear from the fog of drugs he's been in.
Last, relapse is NOT a part of recovery…it's not a requirement, it's not a suggestion. Relapse IS however part of the disease process.
Are his employers going to hold his job for him while he's incarcerated?
In case you might be as confused as I was, back then, working our program means a program of recovery from co-dependency, not drugs. Some here get support from Al-Anon and others from CoDa or church groups. Still others, DIY.
My own codependency was rooted in control. I was convinced I could control my daughter and cure her addiction. All I needed to do was throw enough time, energy and my money into it, and by golly, we were going to beat the devil.
I was mistaken. This forum and Codependent No More by Melody Beattie were turning points, for me. You can find this book at your local library or used on Amazon for about $2.50.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by hello-kitty
Try to make wise choices based on the facts as they are right now, not choices based on feelings and hopes. You won't go wrong if you stay based in reality and focus on your kids.
Thanks again for giving my brain a jump start back to reality.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
I've been on an emotional roller coaster for 2 weeks now. I keep wondering if there is something I did, could have done to prevent it, something I should have seen sooner, handled different. I'm a mess. I don't know which end is up and I am so freaking pissed that it's scary and not just at him, at myself too.
I'm sorry to hear of your fiances plight, but I want you to understand that you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. So the next time you start questioning whether you could have done something different, said something different to make him not relapse....you need to think again.....IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!
Seeing him in jail is something you are going to have to think about. Can you handle this? Can you handle seeing him in such a place? If you truly think you can't, don't go.
He is only going to be one big pity party anyway....nothing will be about you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Hi and welcome.
I think it's a great sign that he wants to stay in jail. Sometimes I think the system needs to be "worked" to get help and he probably will have better programs available to him from jail. Bottom line, he doesn't want to be bailed out and risk falling on his face again.
I needed this thread today so thank you for posting it. Gleen all you can from other people's posts and the stickies at the top of the page. There is priceless information and resources available here. Some of us are more hard-headed than others (ME!) but I'm coming around for the most part and it feels GOOD.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not what any of us planned for ourselves especially when we've worked so hard at doing things the right way and in the right order.
I think it's a great sign that he wants to stay in jail. Sometimes I think the system needs to be "worked" to get help and he probably will have better programs available to him from jail. Bottom line, he doesn't want to be bailed out and risk falling on his face again.
I needed this thread today so thank you for posting it. Gleen all you can from other people's posts and the stickies at the top of the page. There is priceless information and resources available here. Some of us are more hard-headed than others (ME!) but I'm coming around for the most part and it feels GOOD.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not what any of us planned for ourselves especially when we've worked so hard at doing things the right way and in the right order.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Land of the Lost
Posts: 7
Than you all for your replies and thoughts, I didn't go. I just got where I don't cry all day every day and I felt like seeing him right now would just start that all over again. He's going to have to understand or just be mad about it but this is just another consequence that he has to deal with.
I am trying now to get an understanding of crack cocaine and what the road ahead may bring. I've heard a lot of people say that this is the one addiction that people can't overcome and I don't want to believe that.
I am trying now to get an understanding of crack cocaine and what the road ahead may bring. I've heard a lot of people say that this is the one addiction that people can't overcome and I don't want to believe that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Broke. Yes learn all you can about crack addiction. It's disgusting. I used to be a crack addict. It took changing everything about my life to get off it. It took divine intervention. If I ever were to pick up and use again, it would absolutely destroy my life. There is no coming back from crack addiction. Use only leads to more use.
Some people can overcome crack. You will find a few of them on this website. However, most people never do. You will find many of them - the chronic relapsers - on this website too. Many people relapse and relapse and relapse over and over and over.... You can count on relapse MORE than you can count on recovery. I'm sorry. You may not want to hear that. But it's true.
That doesn't mean there's not hope that someone won't recover from a crack addiction. But that is his problem. That's his choice. YOU and your children can't live on hope that someone is going to overcome a crack cocaine addiction.
That's why I strongly recommend learning to live in the present and not fantasizing about what the future might bring - good or bad. Base your decisions on the way things ARE, not the way they should be or could be if he recovers.
You are in the right place. Keep reading and posting. A good thing to remember are the three Cs...
You didn't CAUSE his addiction.
You can't CONTROL his addiction.
You can't CURE his addiction.
Some people can overcome crack. You will find a few of them on this website. However, most people never do. You will find many of them - the chronic relapsers - on this website too. Many people relapse and relapse and relapse over and over and over.... You can count on relapse MORE than you can count on recovery. I'm sorry. You may not want to hear that. But it's true.
That doesn't mean there's not hope that someone won't recover from a crack addiction. But that is his problem. That's his choice. YOU and your children can't live on hope that someone is going to overcome a crack cocaine addiction.
That's why I strongly recommend learning to live in the present and not fantasizing about what the future might bring - good or bad. Base your decisions on the way things ARE, not the way they should be or could be if he recovers.
You are in the right place. Keep reading and posting. A good thing to remember are the three Cs...
You didn't CAUSE his addiction.
You can't CONTROL his addiction.
You can't CURE his addiction.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Originally Posted by brokeNheartok
Than you all for your replies and thoughts, I didn't go. I just got where I don't cry all day every day and I felt like seeing him right now would just start that all over again. He's going to have to understand or just be mad about it but this is just another consequence that he has to deal with.
I am trying now to get an understanding of crack cocaine and what the road ahead may bring. I've heard a lot of people say that this is the one addiction that people can't overcome and I don't want to believe that.
I am trying now to get an understanding of crack cocaine and what the road ahead may bring. I've heard a lot of people say that this is the one addiction that people can't overcome and I don't want to believe that.
I don't believe it when people say that "people can't overcome _____-drug." I don't think it's because I stick my head in the sand, but rather because I do believe that under the right conditions, recovery is possible.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
