Why do we stay
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Examining my own past - staying as long as I did encompassed many things.
Even before marriage, my parents were waving red flags, and ask me "you aren't serious about this guy, are you?" They weren't in favor of my marriage from day one. I was determined to prove them wrong. I could see good traits in my husband, and initially his problem was not as advanced as in later years. While there, they were problems never-the-less, but I was in denial about them and thought I could "fix" him.
Later came children, and I felt obligated to go the tenth mile to keep my family intact. I tried to remember the times he was a good father, and forgive and forget the other times.
I took my vows seriously, "through thick and thin, sickness and health, richer or poorer".
I never quit at anything in my life. Never left anything undone. This was no different. I was determined. "Fix it syndrome" again.
In later years when his problems became larger, I stepped back and figured he'd suffer consequences and change. I waited. And waited. Bad things happened, worse things happened - but he didn't change.
Finally, I got into Alanon. I went about my business, tried to live MY life the best I could , "doing my own thing" figuring he'd maybe leave, or die eventually. At first I was content to live in that existence... but later it became torture. It was torturous to witness his decline. I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to call it a day.
What a journey. The experience - while mentally taxing, was a growing time too for me. I have taken those lessons forward with me. Life is sure better without him.
Even before marriage, my parents were waving red flags, and ask me "you aren't serious about this guy, are you?" They weren't in favor of my marriage from day one. I was determined to prove them wrong. I could see good traits in my husband, and initially his problem was not as advanced as in later years. While there, they were problems never-the-less, but I was in denial about them and thought I could "fix" him.
Later came children, and I felt obligated to go the tenth mile to keep my family intact. I tried to remember the times he was a good father, and forgive and forget the other times.
I took my vows seriously, "through thick and thin, sickness and health, richer or poorer".
I never quit at anything in my life. Never left anything undone. This was no different. I was determined. "Fix it syndrome" again.
In later years when his problems became larger, I stepped back and figured he'd suffer consequences and change. I waited. And waited. Bad things happened, worse things happened - but he didn't change.
Finally, I got into Alanon. I went about my business, tried to live MY life the best I could , "doing my own thing" figuring he'd maybe leave, or die eventually. At first I was content to live in that existence... but later it became torture. It was torturous to witness his decline. I couldn't take it anymore. It was time to call it a day.
What a journey. The experience - while mentally taxing, was a growing time too for me. I have taken those lessons forward with me. Life is sure better without him.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
Posts: 673
Yes definitely codependence, but also being in the midst of leaving myself, I thought I still loved him. In reality, I loved who I THOUGHT he was, not who he REALLY is compliments of the alcohol that renders him a completely different person.
We stay because we thought this person was the love of our life, but again, alcohol.
We stay until we've had enough, and realize that staying is worse than leaving. We hit our own bottom, and realize we need to heal and grow and learn to love ourselves.
JackRussellGirl, only you can decide when you've had enough. While you're deciding, keep coming back to SR for help, love, and a TONS of people who have been through exactly what you're going through, and survived well. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, they have lots of helpful information.
HUGS from one who was literally a couple of weeks ago exactly where you are now, and now, not that I'm not struggling, OH my no, but I'm heading in the right direction for working on myself, which is exactly what needs to be done. You can too!
Tigger
We stay because we thought this person was the love of our life, but again, alcohol.
We stay until we've had enough, and realize that staying is worse than leaving. We hit our own bottom, and realize we need to heal and grow and learn to love ourselves.
JackRussellGirl, only you can decide when you've had enough. While you're deciding, keep coming back to SR for help, love, and a TONS of people who have been through exactly what you're going through, and survived well. Check out the stickies at the top of the forum page, they have lots of helpful information.
HUGS from one who was literally a couple of weeks ago exactly where you are now, and now, not that I'm not struggling, OH my no, but I'm heading in the right direction for working on myself, which is exactly what needs to be done. You can too!
Tigger
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I thought he would get better / grow out of it -- as a binger, there were long stretches where things were fine. As the binges got closer together, my desire to leave increased significantly.
Money -- I'm self-employed and he had a full-time job. The unpredictable nature of my finances made me afraid for so long, but I got to the point where I just didn't care.
His mother was diagnosed with cancer immediately after I'd begun researching divorce. I was trying to be a good spouse and not add to his stress level.
I *really* didn't want to get a divorce and worked as hard as I could to try to save the marriage. I later came to the conclusion that it takes two for a marriage to succeed, but one to ruin it.
I was happy for the most part, as I'd taken responsibility for that and mostly did my own thing. But as the binges increased in frequency and intensity, I became more angry and less able to detach.
Money -- I'm self-employed and he had a full-time job. The unpredictable nature of my finances made me afraid for so long, but I got to the point where I just didn't care.
His mother was diagnosed with cancer immediately after I'd begun researching divorce. I was trying to be a good spouse and not add to his stress level.
I *really* didn't want to get a divorce and worked as hard as I could to try to save the marriage. I later came to the conclusion that it takes two for a marriage to succeed, but one to ruin it.
I was happy for the most part, as I'd taken responsibility for that and mostly did my own thing. But as the binges increased in frequency and intensity, I became more angry and less able to detach.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I stayed because I had a picture in my mind of what my life was going to be like. I thought if I just nagged, begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, enough he would get with the program. My picture-perfect life depended on him playing the part I had cast him in. I thought I was going to control it. If I wanted it badly enough, I could make it happen. He played on this desire of mine, too. You see, he had a different idea of what life should be. It involved lots of drinking, little responsibility, and no consequences.
But, still I was convinced I could get him in line. My way was soooooooo much better than his. Couldn't he see that? Turns out he couldn't. But I didn't want to give up my dream.
I've since learned that life turns out the way it wants to. I'm not the one in control. My job is not to force my ideas on life and other people, but to make the best of what comes my way. Ahhh, what a relief it is to let go.
L
But, still I was convinced I could get him in line. My way was soooooooo much better than his. Couldn't he see that? Turns out he couldn't. But I didn't want to give up my dream.
I've since learned that life turns out the way it wants to. I'm not the one in control. My job is not to force my ideas on life and other people, but to make the best of what comes my way. Ahhh, what a relief it is to let go.
L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: East Coast
Posts: 90
I stay because I still love him. I pray he stays sober, continues to support our family. I don't hold a huge amount of faith that he will do this, but what if he does? For right now I'm willing to ride it out and see what happens.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
I stay because one of my core values has been that marriage should last. I stay because of my children.
I am coming to realize, however, that by staying my children are learning to either abuse or tolerate abuse from others. I am starting to see that if I stop putting up with this crap, my children will learn not to treat a spouse this way or allow themselves to be treated this way. If I were in a healthy, loving relationship, they might learn what that is like. They might learn not to mistreat their own spouse or tolerate mistreatment from others.
I am coming to realize, however, that by staying my children are learning to either abuse or tolerate abuse from others. I am starting to see that if I stop putting up with this crap, my children will learn not to treat a spouse this way or allow themselves to be treated this way. If I were in a healthy, loving relationship, they might learn what that is like. They might learn not to mistreat their own spouse or tolerate mistreatment from others.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 100
Originally Posted by Lavash 
I stay because I'm not even sure what healthy looks like yet
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
I stayed because amongst the craziness of alcohol/pills he would say the same "I do love you" even after verbal abuse would say it like a parrot, as if I was lucky.
Also I would tell myself that deep,deep down he really was a decent good man who just needed to see the light and go into recovery. I have been waiting over 7 years and things have just got WORSE.Everything is ALWAYS somebody elses fault (especially mine if I DARE to assert myself and try to have a life of my own) he now has liver disease, chronic pain, a feeble dying man on opiates as well. Why would they be prescribed to an active addict of etoh and benzo's?
I am just as sick as him, for going back on to never ending cycle thinking he would change! Better to be alone with my books and cat for company THAN THIS SICK,LYING, CHEATING (found him on a sex line) STINGY MANIPULATIVE broken down WHINING mamma's boy who has driven everyone away by his behaviours. I am so sick of his empty promises and his other mantra to me "nobody will love you as much as do"!
I hope and pray that it will finally sink in that I dont need his kind of love!!!!!!
Also I would tell myself that deep,deep down he really was a decent good man who just needed to see the light and go into recovery. I have been waiting over 7 years and things have just got WORSE.Everything is ALWAYS somebody elses fault (especially mine if I DARE to assert myself and try to have a life of my own) he now has liver disease, chronic pain, a feeble dying man on opiates as well. Why would they be prescribed to an active addict of etoh and benzo's?
I am just as sick as him, for going back on to never ending cycle thinking he would change! Better to be alone with my books and cat for company THAN THIS SICK,LYING, CHEATING (found him on a sex line) STINGY MANIPULATIVE broken down WHINING mamma's boy who has driven everyone away by his behaviours. I am so sick of his empty promises and his other mantra to me "nobody will love you as much as do"!
I hope and pray that it will finally sink in that I dont need his kind of love!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
OMG.....so many of you were/ "are" in my situation.....I did leave eventually and it took years......codependent....waiting for the miracle for him to change but it didn't happen . Alcohol is a solvent. It takes everything away. Thank God for SR. This is where I read" Let Go Or Be Dragged." My minister told me the Bible said "not to be yoked to a drunkard." I had a hard time with guilt of leaving,breaking the vows. It took years. I got into yoga and meditation and Unity church. I look back at the situation and I learned boundaries. I got my integrity back. One day at a Time,one inch of the football field,one bite of the elephant......ever noticed how similar.....alone is to ......all one? We are all one.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
I stayed so long because I believed he was my 'soul mate'.
I stayed so long because he told me he was my 'soul mate'.
I stayed so long because I couldn't/wouldn't see what was happening.
I stayed so long because he told me that everything was good, it was me that was 'wrong'.
I stayed so long because I felt I had to give our marriage every last chance.
I stayed so long because I didn't want to be a 'divorcee'.
I stayed so long because I didn't think I would cope with everything on my own.
I stayed so long because of who I thought he was and who I thought he used to be.
I stayed so long because I literally hadn't even considered breaking up to even be an option.
I stayed so long because it was the 'easy' option.
I stayed so long because I had no self esteem.
And then I went to counselling for depression. And I started to wake up. I got informed, I found this site, I read Co-dependant No More, Getting Them Sober, Under the Influence and stuff started to sink in. And yet, I still didn't leave. Life at home got really difficult, even more verbally, emotionally abusive because I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship, I thought it was all about the alcohol. I was oblivious to the danger. He lost his temper daily. He started throwing things. And I still didn't leave. I told him it was over. I 'detached' and tried living like housemates so we could get the house sold. But I didn't leave. I was such an idiot! In the end, he left. And I am so thankful he did. I think he knew, better than I did, where things were heading and left before he got physical. The OW helped here and I'm thankful to her too.
Looking back at why I stayed so long helps me understand just how much work I need to do to heal me. I didn't realise the danger I was in. I didn't realise just how clouded my thinking was then. I'm still plumbing the depths of it - believe it or not, over a year after he left and I'm only just now realising I was in an abusive relationship. D'oh! Friends and family could see it and they're surprised I'm just realising this now!!!
I'm still not sure what healthy looks like but I'm sure trying to get there!
I stayed so long because he told me he was my 'soul mate'.
I stayed so long because I couldn't/wouldn't see what was happening.
I stayed so long because he told me that everything was good, it was me that was 'wrong'.
I stayed so long because I felt I had to give our marriage every last chance.
I stayed so long because I didn't want to be a 'divorcee'.
I stayed so long because I didn't think I would cope with everything on my own.
I stayed so long because of who I thought he was and who I thought he used to be.
I stayed so long because I literally hadn't even considered breaking up to even be an option.
I stayed so long because it was the 'easy' option.
I stayed so long because I had no self esteem.
And then I went to counselling for depression. And I started to wake up. I got informed, I found this site, I read Co-dependant No More, Getting Them Sober, Under the Influence and stuff started to sink in. And yet, I still didn't leave. Life at home got really difficult, even more verbally, emotionally abusive because I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship, I thought it was all about the alcohol. I was oblivious to the danger. He lost his temper daily. He started throwing things. And I still didn't leave. I told him it was over. I 'detached' and tried living like housemates so we could get the house sold. But I didn't leave. I was such an idiot! In the end, he left. And I am so thankful he did. I think he knew, better than I did, where things were heading and left before he got physical. The OW helped here and I'm thankful to her too.
Looking back at why I stayed so long helps me understand just how much work I need to do to heal me. I didn't realise the danger I was in. I didn't realise just how clouded my thinking was then. I'm still plumbing the depths of it - believe it or not, over a year after he left and I'm only just now realising I was in an abusive relationship. D'oh! Friends and family could see it and they're surprised I'm just realising this now!!!
I'm still not sure what healthy looks like but I'm sure trying to get there!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
oooh all of the above, and some sort of chronic memory loss/ ability to rewrite the past.
probably stopped me from killing myself as a child.
The good news about this is if I am ever in a situation wher I am TRULY trapped: I will adapt to be happy, function, rewrite the recent past and live on for as long as it takes to get to a point where I can escape. The bad news is, I may not recognise that I can escape, or need to, and I think I am trapped in situations when I'm not.
probably stopped me from killing myself as a child.
The good news about this is if I am ever in a situation wher I am TRULY trapped: I will adapt to be happy, function, rewrite the recent past and live on for as long as it takes to get to a point where I can escape. The bad news is, I may not recognise that I can escape, or need to, and I think I am trapped in situations when I'm not.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
LaTeeDa said:
This is EXACTLY why I stayed so long. I had HOPE...hope that he would wake up one day and realize that he needed to get his act together, quit drinking/drugging and SEE that this relationship "could be" absolutely perfect. Yeah I know....I was delusional.
But I ran out of hope...got so mentally and physically wore down that I just couldn't do it anymore. I am the one that WOKE UP! Now I'm in a healthy relationship and loving my life!!
I stayed because I had a picture in my mind of what my life was going to be like. I thought if I just nagged, begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, enough he would get with the program. My picture-perfect life depended on him playing the part I had cast him in. I thought I was going to control it. If I wanted it badly enough, I could make it happen. He played on this desire of mine, too. You see, he had a different idea of what life should be. It involved lots of drinking, little responsibility, and no consequences.
But, still I was convinced I could get him in line. My way was soooooooo much better than his. Couldn't he see that? Turns out he couldn't. But I didn't want to give up my dream.
But, still I was convinced I could get him in line. My way was soooooooo much better than his. Couldn't he see that? Turns out he couldn't. But I didn't want to give up my dream.
But I ran out of hope...got so mentally and physically wore down that I just couldn't do it anymore. I am the one that WOKE UP! Now I'm in a healthy relationship and loving my life!!
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 82
I stayed because I held out hope that the woman I married was somewhere inside of the person she had become.
Once I realized that person is gone forever, I knew it was time to go our separate ways.
Once I realized that person is gone forever, I knew it was time to go our separate ways.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
