Omg_lawyer_today

Old 11-23-2009, 09:05 AM
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Omg_lawyer_today

I guess I was waiting for that push.. I asked my HP to give me a sign to tell me I had done everything I could and to give me the strength to let go of the good and walk away...

This weekend was it. I took a walk and went bowling w/ a friend friday and AH flipped his sh*t over it, saying I wanted to be single and wasn't a good wife, etc.

Saturday I went grocery shopping and cooked some food while he drank and slept .. when he got up I offered him some but he said since i didn't cook it SPECIFICALLY for him then I was a pig and selfish and he didn't want my sloppy seconds, it was really really harsh.

He left for a bit and he came back around 5 while I was watching a show on my laptop in the living room, and he had an open case of beer that he was drinking who knows where... never seen this before. He started STRAIGHT IN with every insult he could think of, chasing me around the house spitting venom at me in the worst ways possible, insulting me for things as private as sex acts and personal issues, all the way to wild accusations of me sleeping with other people and he was laughing at me and had that hyde look in his eyes. He stood outside the bathroom while I was using it and insulted me non stop until I came out. I kept leaving the room, not engaging, telling him to stop but he kept following me. He'd stop for a minute then come back in teh room with more ammunition. etc etc etc.. I could go on, it was AWFUL.

Thank you HP maybe I needed that. The things he said he can NEVER take back, and I don't think I could ever get over them. It's so disgusting.

I called the lawyer and set up our initial consultation TODAY. AH drank all day saturday, was up till 2 am drinking still when I got home from my friend's, and was drinking all day sunday in the dark watching tv, snoring and passed out on the couch. He ate and drank the things I bought from the store, still has paid for nothing, and leaves a mess. I spent sunday working around the house and cleaning and he told me why should he care, it's not his problem.

WOW. Okay, now I'm ready.

I'm still scared.. I feel like crying, I had to tell my boss that i was going to see a divorce lawyer later, I felt it was time to tell the truth there because I know I'll need some leniency on my hours for this stuff.

I just want him out of my life. He's sending emails and making wild threats at me about how he knows i can't take care of the house and one sec he says i can have it all because he doesn't want anything that reminds him of that 'resentful hateful bitch of a wife he married' and the next minute he's saying it's all his. One sec he says he'll pay my parents back the 20k he used for his failed business because he's that kinda guy, the next sec he says he won't do it unless I provide proof of my bank accounts over the past month (I moved my money all into a separate account with the remaining couple thousand my parents gave us for his business a month ago). He has been cashing his paycheck and not contributing, gambling or whatever it is.

blah blah blah I"m sure I've said it all before.

Point being, I'm meetnig with the expensive immigration/divorce attorney today and I don't care what it costs it's worth it, get me out of this h*llhole of a marriage I am stuck in. What happened to the man who loved me? I guess maybe he was just using me.. I don't know, I believed him. I believed that he cared but maybe this is all the disease taking over. It's scary, it's sad, and I'm freaked out. But I need to do this. Happy holidays, right? All I want for christmas is my life back!

welcoming myself to many long years of financial struggle... but freedom from this jerk.
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:11 AM
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Oh, I thought to say "You have my sympathy" - because it sounds like you were put through hell this weekend..and it was a sign for you. Instead, I'll say you have my support and I'll be watching and cheering you on as you try to fly!
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Old 11-23-2009, 09:18 AM
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Thanks... I keep catching myself thinking back to a good time we had or something we used to do together, sad about something we'll never do again, etc., and catching myself and saying just focus on today, what is life like today, what can I do today, all I need to get through is just today, tomorrow I can worry about tomorrow... hurt too much to think about all the yesterdays and the future that I thought I'd have with him, or the things we'll never do in the future. Today is enough to deal with!
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:10 PM
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i'm glad you're going to a lawyer today. let us know how it goes.

when you find yourself weakening...just remember this...

He stood up, screamed, tried to smash his beer bottle on the coffee table, did not succeed, kicked a chair, kicked an ottoman, threw his beer bottle on the hardwood floor, smashing it into a million pieces and spilling beer everywhere, called me names, called me money hungry, a wh**e, an imbecile, told me to go f myself, at one point told me I was killing him, etc.. etc..
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Old 11-23-2009, 02:21 PM
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Your message gives new meaning to the phrase... "YOU GO GIRL!"
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:12 PM
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Honor, I'm sorry you had to go through such a horrid weekend, but I'm so grateful it led you to take action to take back your life!

******{hugs}}}} to you as you start this incredible journey.
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:42 PM
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It WILL get better! Trust that! You've got better days coming!
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:50 PM
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Dear honoryourself, you are really honoring Yourself!

You go girl!
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Old 11-23-2009, 06:58 PM
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Oh, honor....I am SO sorry you had to endure that abuse. NO HUMAN deserves to be treated that way. You might do well to also see about getting some (hopefully free) counseling with a women's center if there's one near you. The abuse is going to get worse before it gets better and you should think about getting some professional support. You poor dear. I just wish I could give you a hug

My XAH was almost as bad, and although it was a long time ago I still remember the stabbing feeling in my chest from the hurtful words.

If it was a sign you were looking for, you sure got it. What's next? Can you stay somewhere else?
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:22 AM
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Thanks everyone for the support! I didn't even cry like I thought I would. I had to listen to rap music on the way there to keep me from getting wishy washy. hahaha.

The lawyer was pretty good, but I mean I was paying like $5 per sentence he spoke so I figured he should be.

I got a handle on all the immigration stuff, he painted a slightly less bleak picture than I imagined.. I mean basically AH would have to be below the poverty line in order for us to be liable to him financially, and even if we were we'd only be liable to keep him at the poverty line, and I'm sure he'd want more than that with his fancy tastes.

As far as debt goes, anything that was opened in my name even if he was an auth user on the account, is MY problem. I thought debts would be split but what they said is it isn't divided UNLESS it was used to purchase property. A lot of our debt was balance transfers and loans so we could live or start his business. So.. I'm screwed! AND SO PISSED ABOUT THAT! I'm stuck with all of it, plus the tens of thousands y parents loaned him to start his business, since there was no documentation on that, it's probably considered a 'gift' and nothing can be done.

As far as our house goes, if he won't leave and I won't leave the only other option is to force the sale of it through a court order which could result in us going to short sale or foreclosure which is a pretty unfortunate way to end things. I'm really not looking forward to this.

In the meantime AH has not paid a single bill still and has informed me he will be buying a new / used car this weekend so I will need to sign off on the title of his car (it's in my name). I asked th lawyer if i should do this, and he said, well since the loan is upside down and you owe more than the car is worth and it's in your name, it's more of a liability than an asset, so I'd sign off on it. Unfortunately this means he's using his paycheck to buy a car instead of pay any bills.
I will probably sign off though, because I'd rather not have to ALSO pay his car loan. He threatened that if I didn't sign off he'd just buy a car anyway and it'd still be my problem!!! what a jerk!!!

I asked him to pay his portion of the bills and just keep it civil because it's in both our best interests to not have this go to court. I called some companies we had joint accounts with (cell, insurance) and sent him the info on how to split them, plus wrote what we needed to each pay for this months bills. He wrote back "thanks for the threats."
I am just so confused as to what to do now.. I mean, keep paying ALL the bills myself?? I still don't understand how I can make him pay his share, I didn't get a good grip on that.. I guess w/o a court order or separation agreement I can't make him do anything. And from what i Know a sep. agreement does not address real property, so our house which is the biggest monthly payment of all is not addressed.


I asked my H to please buy some more dog food and buy his own groceries seeing as I just spent $150 on food and household products this weekend and he's chipped in for nothing. He called me a petty b*tch and told me to shove it. WHAT??? I mean.. REALLY?? I knew he was nuts but this is beyond what I expected. How can a person feel so justified in paying for NOTHING, but using EVERYTHING.
I'm so disgusted that I married this POS.


GRR.
One step forwards, one step backwards. Can't wait to spend the weekend with family though!!
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:35 AM
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oh yeah as far as staying somewhere else.. i dont WANT to move out of my house, seeing as my name is on the mortgage and he's letting it deteriorate by not taking care of it and quite possibly not paying any bills or the mortgage! I want him to leave, but he has no family to stay with here. I do, but I don't WANT to leave, I want my own space I worked so hard to pay for and maintain.
He sees things differently. I can leave when I need to, but I'd prefer to have my house!
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Old 11-24-2009, 11:33 AM
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So.. Now I'm worried, what if my AH wrecks my house or breaks my stuff or anything like that if he gets really drunk this weekend while I'm away for 4 days? I know he already told his friends that he's getting a divorce and is going to "party hard" this weekend and that he "has the house to himself".
I also know he is vindictive and mean. I don't know if he would break/steal/hurt my things, but has anyone else been in a similar situation? I was already planning on packing up a bunch of my groceries I just bought and taking them to my sister's house. I did some cleaning and vacuuming on sunday, don't know why.. now he gets a clean house to mess up again. Gross. What if his friends are doing drugs there? UG! I've never been worried about this stuff before.

I know everyone will say how will worrying about it make it better, but is there anything I can do to take action before leaving to protect my stuff? I guess if there's anything in particular I'm worried about, I will get it out of the house or something... I don't know

barf. I know the guy is a creep but here's that detachment thing--He's so ready to get me out of the house so he can invite his friends over and party in the home that *I* have been paying *ALL* the bills and mortgage for for the past YEAR!!!! RAAAH.
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Old 11-24-2009, 11:37 AM
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Call the cops, explain what's going on and ask them to keep an eye on the place.
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Old 11-24-2009, 11:47 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
Call the cops, explain what's going on and ask them to keep an eye on the place.
Hm.. do you think they would actually care at all? Is there any risk in doing so?

I mean, the odds of them causing any huge disruption visible from teh street aren't very high as far as I know.. and while I doubt he would be going through the house bashing stuff up, I would more or less imagine he'd have a bunch of guys over, theyd get really drunk and possibly some of them would smoke some pot though AH claims not to do that, and who knows if they do anything else drugs wise, he claims not to but I have no proof..


Didn't really think about calling the cops though.. Do you think it would be snarky of me to ask a neighbor to keep an eye on things?
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Old 11-24-2009, 12:25 PM
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I'd do both. In my experience the police are most definitely willing to keep an eye on things if there's a domestic dispute likely to happen. On the other hand, if that's "his" house, I suppose he's allowed to destroy it if he wants to. But, really, what can it hurt to ask?

The chances are probably good that he's not gonna do anything this weekend except sit on the couch and get drunk, dontcha think? He's most likely just quacking when he talks about having a big party. Whoop deee dooo.
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Old 11-24-2009, 01:04 PM
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I would put anything valuable/sentimental that you would really miss in a storage facility somewhere. as for the legalities: no clue, but I remember living with it and it was hell. enjoy the weekend away from the madness: don't worry about stuff/the house as it won't make any difference to the outcome.
You can't make him share the bills at the moment, so perhaps in future buying $150 of groceries just before you go away is something you won't do.
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Old 11-24-2009, 01:19 PM
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I am in a similar situation, I am going to be gone the day after Christmas til Jan 3rd and STXH is going to be home alone. My attorney told me to take good pictures of every room. Take the valuable jewelery out and such. But according to the attorney belongings are to be split down the middle. What ever he deems to destroy is only hurting himself. So take major pics and leave them with your sister. This way your covered for any damage he had done or things he may take and say was never there. Like sell furniture for next to nothing to his buddies. This is all documented as marital property with pictures.
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Old 11-24-2009, 02:49 PM
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Trying--Thanks for the tips about the pictures, I'd forgotten about that legal advice. I will go about and take photos when I get home today/tomorrow and in the morning when he's not home. Great though, I'll feel better then.

If there's no separation agreement signed or anything, then do I really have any control or say over whether or not he sells our stuff?

By that token, what if I remove some of the computer equipment my parents gave us for his business, and sell that? Is that a big no-no? Maybe a question for the lawyer.. but just wondering. I was thinking about getting all the expensive equipment out.

JenT--Yes, the grocery shopping occurred before the big massive blowup. I was STARVING and went overboard at the store plus needed a bunch of cleaning supplies, so not all of it was food items. I will not be keeping a lot of food in the house from here on out.
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Old 11-24-2009, 06:49 PM
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You probably wouldn't get much for the computer equipment (if you sold it) so that's probably not worth stirring up the hornet's nest over. If it's gonna cause a ruckus it better be worth it! Y'know?
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:29 PM
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True, but every tiny bit seems to count these days..

Anyway, tonight we got a call from one of AH's friends from <home country> that I used to know too. He's in the country about 4 hrs away for another couple days and AH decided he'd find a way out there to meet up with him and "get drunk/hammered" for a night and catch up.

This is one of the friends he'd written off already because he was a "scumbag" (probably because this guy talked sh*t about him back in <home country> because AH was a lying theiving jerk and his friend knew it!)

Anyway, suddenly now I'm responsible for the dog for the weekend, and when I said I didn't think my family wanted to drive all day with our crying car-sick dog in their car both ways he got pouty like, how am I supposed to watch my own dog. This is the dog he said was HIS, in terms of divorce, but the one he never takes care of of course. I'd love to bring the little guy but he's a pain in the car and I'm catching a ride so... I can't invite him.

Upside is AH won't be home for at least 1.5 of the days. Bad news is he'll be super hungover when he does get home, and will probably still party his butt off. I gotta take those pics tomorrow morning!

AH got drunk on liquor tonight, 4 tall glasses of g&t's, at least I think. He had passed out on the couch early watching tv w/o any interraction at all, but then when his friend called he got all cocky and arrogant, and drunker somehow, and started babbling about his friend and his home country and his accent. Then he randomly started in on me for turning everyone against him and how I better sotp talking to people he knows and his family, and how I'm such a b*tch and making up lies etc etc etc. Asked him to stop talking but he just kept going on and on, then started calling me wh*re over and over again until I went upstairs at which point I heard a victorious "YES!". I am so tired of being kicked out of my own house or chased around.

Then he came up and started yelling some more random crap, at least he's out of my face for now. I feel like I should be able to get this man arrested for the threatening way he chases me around with verbal abuse. I know I can leave, but it's late and i just want bed in a minute. At least he sleeps on the couch, and I'll be gone thu morning. But after that? No way to kick him out
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