He promises not to drink and then demands/threatens
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
He promises not to drink and then demands/threatens
The saga continues:
After receiving a rather disturbing email from XH on Saturday, fretting and worrying about it, ignoring his calls and basically hiding from him, I finally called him back on Sunday after he left a message at my parents' place, threatening to call the police on me for kidnapping. Since custody hasn't been assigned yet, I thought he might do it.
We talked for a while on the phone, I discussed with him my concerns regarding granting him shared custody (drinking, anger management, etc), and surprisingly, he agreed not to drink or take sedatives while caring for our daughter. This surprised me somewhat, and made me a bit hopeful that perhaps we could work out some kind of shared custody agreement when DD is ready. XH thinks that 24 months is the age, but I managed to talk him closer to 30 months. Even so, he is dead set on having her in a 50/50 arrangement.
When I brought up the fact that my having custody was to his advantage, since he stated he didn't want to care for her, didn't want her in the first place and "only wants the fun stuff", he responded that it would be different to take care of a 2 year old toddler instead of a "needy" baby. He blames the neediness on me, no less. So, he's ok with leaving DD with me now because she's too much work but come 24 months, he wants to be Super Dad again. WTF?
Overall, the call was going well, we were communicating and listening to each other, and then suddenly, the threats started. "Let's be clear here, you can't stop me from taking her." "You don't have the authority or the power", "if you try to go for sole custody, we'll both lose her"
I was really confused by the end of it. I thought there would be a glimmer of hope that we could work this out as adults. I still "dream" of having a nice, civil shared custody agreement where DD could spend some time with her father and brother. I know children fare better when both parents are involved in rearing them, and if he doesn't drink during the days that she's with him, maybe things would be ok. Also, it would give me a much needed break if she were with her father. But, he had to start talking down to me, threatening to do x, y and z if I didn't do what he wanted.
I just said "ok" to everything and tried to end the call. It seemed like the only way out. I felt like a coward, but I didn't know what else to do.
This morning, I called my lawyer. I'm waiting for her response.
Just when I thought things would calm down a bit, I receive this email from him:
"I will be picking A up from daycare after work tomorrow (roughly 4:30). You can pick up A from me at 7:00pm, but you are not welcome to spend the time before picking her up from me with us, as K will be there and I am not prepared to have you around him just yet. If there are specific things, which you would like me to agree to, which would make you feel more comfortable then feel free to send them to me and I will be happy to send back my statement agreeing to them, but understand that if you would like to go this route then I will need you to do the same with regards to some of my concerns.
We will be attending mediation again on Thursday and so can work out the details then, but I thought it might be good to let you know what I will be asking for. As a whole, I would like to spend 10 – 11 hours a week with A, however I expect these numbers to increase come January. Whether or not you have an apartment in a more reasonable location at that time is your choice."
So, am I nuts in seeing threats and demands all over this email?
He said in our phone conversation that he won't drink, but how do I know this is true?
He won't let me supervise the visit in his apartment, he denies me entrance, and yet, I'm still on the lease until December...can I demand to be let in?
Should I sit in the hall outside the apartment the entire time?
What kind of drama will that create for the kids?
I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom here.
After receiving a rather disturbing email from XH on Saturday, fretting and worrying about it, ignoring his calls and basically hiding from him, I finally called him back on Sunday after he left a message at my parents' place, threatening to call the police on me for kidnapping. Since custody hasn't been assigned yet, I thought he might do it.
We talked for a while on the phone, I discussed with him my concerns regarding granting him shared custody (drinking, anger management, etc), and surprisingly, he agreed not to drink or take sedatives while caring for our daughter. This surprised me somewhat, and made me a bit hopeful that perhaps we could work out some kind of shared custody agreement when DD is ready. XH thinks that 24 months is the age, but I managed to talk him closer to 30 months. Even so, he is dead set on having her in a 50/50 arrangement.
When I brought up the fact that my having custody was to his advantage, since he stated he didn't want to care for her, didn't want her in the first place and "only wants the fun stuff", he responded that it would be different to take care of a 2 year old toddler instead of a "needy" baby. He blames the neediness on me, no less. So, he's ok with leaving DD with me now because she's too much work but come 24 months, he wants to be Super Dad again. WTF?
Overall, the call was going well, we were communicating and listening to each other, and then suddenly, the threats started. "Let's be clear here, you can't stop me from taking her." "You don't have the authority or the power", "if you try to go for sole custody, we'll both lose her"
I was really confused by the end of it. I thought there would be a glimmer of hope that we could work this out as adults. I still "dream" of having a nice, civil shared custody agreement where DD could spend some time with her father and brother. I know children fare better when both parents are involved in rearing them, and if he doesn't drink during the days that she's with him, maybe things would be ok. Also, it would give me a much needed break if she were with her father. But, he had to start talking down to me, threatening to do x, y and z if I didn't do what he wanted.
I just said "ok" to everything and tried to end the call. It seemed like the only way out. I felt like a coward, but I didn't know what else to do.
This morning, I called my lawyer. I'm waiting for her response.
Just when I thought things would calm down a bit, I receive this email from him:
"I will be picking A up from daycare after work tomorrow (roughly 4:30). You can pick up A from me at 7:00pm, but you are not welcome to spend the time before picking her up from me with us, as K will be there and I am not prepared to have you around him just yet. If there are specific things, which you would like me to agree to, which would make you feel more comfortable then feel free to send them to me and I will be happy to send back my statement agreeing to them, but understand that if you would like to go this route then I will need you to do the same with regards to some of my concerns.
We will be attending mediation again on Thursday and so can work out the details then, but I thought it might be good to let you know what I will be asking for. As a whole, I would like to spend 10 – 11 hours a week with A, however I expect these numbers to increase come January. Whether or not you have an apartment in a more reasonable location at that time is your choice."
So, am I nuts in seeing threats and demands all over this email?
He said in our phone conversation that he won't drink, but how do I know this is true?
He won't let me supervise the visit in his apartment, he denies me entrance, and yet, I'm still on the lease until December...can I demand to be let in?
Should I sit in the hall outside the apartment the entire time?
What kind of drama will that create for the kids?
I'd really appreciate some words of wisdom here.
Being Me for the first time
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Wishek, North Dakota
Posts: 1,160
not 100% but according to Judge Judy .. if you have not been evicted from the apt and are still on the lease you have a legal right to be in there , At least see the living conditions etc when your children are going to be spending time to visit . ~ Endzy ~
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Oh hun, you're still dancing the alkie/codie dance with him. This will keep you restless, edgy, stressed and frustrated.
I finally called him back on Sunday after he left a message at my parents' place, threatening to call the police on me for kidnapping.
You responded to his threat just as He wanted You too. He got the reaction he was hoping for.
If you play that tape forward, it ends with a drunk calling the police. (not likely to happen because they would come to his apt and need to take a written statement)
Next thing the alkie would need to do is hire a lawyer to sue you for kidnapping his daughter and sue for sole custody. (not likely to happen because alkies aren't known for their follow through)
I thought there would be a glimmer of hope that we could work this out as adults. I still "dream" of having a nice, civil shared custody agreement where DD could spend some time with her father and brother. I know children fare better when both parents are involved in rearing them, and if he doesn't drink during the days that she's with him, maybe things would be ok.
That only works in normal, healthy relationships. Your partner is neither.
Talk to your lawyer.
I would end any future conversations with "I'll run that by my lawyer."
Can you do something physical like walking, excercising, deep breathing to help you release your frustration from the past 24 hours? Try to do something healthy for you, for your dd. (((hugs)))
I finally called him back on Sunday after he left a message at my parents' place, threatening to call the police on me for kidnapping.
You responded to his threat just as He wanted You too. He got the reaction he was hoping for.
If you play that tape forward, it ends with a drunk calling the police. (not likely to happen because they would come to his apt and need to take a written statement)
Next thing the alkie would need to do is hire a lawyer to sue you for kidnapping his daughter and sue for sole custody. (not likely to happen because alkies aren't known for their follow through)
I thought there would be a glimmer of hope that we could work this out as adults. I still "dream" of having a nice, civil shared custody agreement where DD could spend some time with her father and brother. I know children fare better when both parents are involved in rearing them, and if he doesn't drink during the days that she's with him, maybe things would be ok.
That only works in normal, healthy relationships. Your partner is neither.
Talk to your lawyer.
I would end any future conversations with "I'll run that by my lawyer."
Can you do something physical like walking, excercising, deep breathing to help you release your frustration from the past 24 hours? Try to do something healthy for you, for your dd. (((hugs)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
But Pelican...would it be silly to hope that maybe XH would restrain himself from drinking for his DD? I mean, he didn't stop drinking for me, but perhaps his baby girl would be motivation enough?
Regarding the police, I felt like I had no choice but to call him back. I was afraid of the cops showing up at my doorstep...Had I known it was just an empty threat, I would have continued ignoring him.
Why do I feel like there's an invisible rope gradually tightening around my neck the more I talk with him?
I'm so bloody conflicted right now, and it doesn't help that my lawyer is MIA. The only "physical" thing I can do to calm down is walk over to the photocopy room and stand there for a bit.
Regarding the police, I felt like I had no choice but to call him back. I was afraid of the cops showing up at my doorstep...Had I known it was just an empty threat, I would have continued ignoring him.
Why do I feel like there's an invisible rope gradually tightening around my neck the more I talk with him?
I'm so bloody conflicted right now, and it doesn't help that my lawyer is MIA. The only "physical" thing I can do to calm down is walk over to the photocopy room and stand there for a bit.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
noday-
i don't know what to say other than stop talking to him, except at mediation and also via your lawyer.
if you choose to continue to talk to him, in all liklihood, it will be more threats, etc.
why spoil your day?
also, there is absolutely no guarantee that he won't drink when he has her.
i hope your lawyer gets back to you soon. as in ASAP.
as for forcing your way into the apartment, if it was me, i wouldn't do that. lay low. stop trying to reason with the alcoholic...it goes nowhere fast.
n
i don't know what to say other than stop talking to him, except at mediation and also via your lawyer.
if you choose to continue to talk to him, in all liklihood, it will be more threats, etc.
why spoil your day?
also, there is absolutely no guarantee that he won't drink when he has her.
i hope your lawyer gets back to you soon. as in ASAP.
as for forcing your way into the apartment, if it was me, i wouldn't do that. lay low. stop trying to reason with the alcoholic...it goes nowhere fast.
n
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
But Pelican...would it be silly to hope that maybe XH would restrain himself from drinking for his DD? I mean, he didn't stop drinking for me, but perhaps his baby girl would be motivation enough?
I'm so bloody conflicted right now, and it doesn't help that my lawyer is MIA.
I'm so bloody conflicted right now, and it doesn't help that my lawyer is MIA.
Hope is not a plan
2day,
The only thing that motivated me to get and stay sober was me reaching my emotional bottom. For each alcoholic that finally gets sober, it is different. I have children, I had a husband, I have a career and I had a home, but those weren't my motivation for getting and staying sober. I had to do it for myself. If I didn't, I would loose them all. In the process, I did loose the husband and the house. I still grieve the losses, but today I still have my sobriety, my career, my children and a roof over my head. I am grateful.
Sorry that you are at work trying to remain calm with a MIA lawyer. This is what I do when I am in public and need to destress. I take a deep breath and scrunch my shoulders up toward my ears. As I slowly exhale, I roll my shoulders back down into the mid back area. Repeat. You can feel yourself unlocking in-between your shoulders. I hope that helps.
Another thing that helps me at work is to repeat the serenity prayer to myself:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
Courage to change the things I can, and
Wisdom to know the difference
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thank you for your sound advice Bucyn.
Thank you for the much needed reminders Pelican.
I have decided to stop playing nice and just to have him served today. I was holding back, waiting and hoping that we could work something out, I was trying to protect my stepson, but he's been taken out of the equation...so I think it's time. Now if only this lawyer I hired would answer her phone...
Thank you for the much needed reminders Pelican.
I have decided to stop playing nice and just to have him served today. I was holding back, waiting and hoping that we could work something out, I was trying to protect my stepson, but he's been taken out of the equation...so I think it's time. Now if only this lawyer I hired would answer her phone...
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Bucyn
You can't kidnap your own child unless there is a court order you are in violation of. You have the right to take your child anywhere in the world without the other parent's permission right up until the moment the court says otherwise. Even if he had called the cops they wouldn't have done anything, but ask: do you have a court order. They enforce court orders, not parenting rights. The enforce, not interpret.
That's the good part. The bad part is, he has the same right (if his name is on the birth certificate). He can take your child anywhere in the world without your permission. That's why you need a court order.
You need to get involved with the court system fast. Don't expect them to care about his usage and addiction (this is very frustrating, but sadly common; addicted parents have full parenting rights until a judge says otherwise, and few judges start out the gate restricting; they want to see it unfold before their face. Often the DUI before the divorce petition doesn't count, the one after the divorce petition sort of matters).
However, you will probably be assigned a guardian ad litem or equivalent who will represent the best interests of the child and who will evaluate you and him and make recommendations to the judge that carry a lot of weight. They will interview him and if he says things like you make the baby 'needy' and a 2 and a half year old is less troublesome than an infant, their eyebrows will go up and their pens will scratch in their note pads.
Don't argue with him, let him think these jaw droppingly clueless things. Hope he does say them to the GAL. But understand he does have rights and it's hard and a long process to get them restricted. Users have the right to raise their kids provided it doesn't endanger them. The bar for endangerment is really high.
Lots of men want 50/50 because they think they will get a break on child support or won't even have to pay it.
Every jurisdiction is a little different and every judge has their own ways, so talk to your lawyer. He knows better than any of us here, and good luck to you.
That's the good part. The bad part is, he has the same right (if his name is on the birth certificate). He can take your child anywhere in the world without your permission. That's why you need a court order.
You need to get involved with the court system fast. Don't expect them to care about his usage and addiction (this is very frustrating, but sadly common; addicted parents have full parenting rights until a judge says otherwise, and few judges start out the gate restricting; they want to see it unfold before their face. Often the DUI before the divorce petition doesn't count, the one after the divorce petition sort of matters).
However, you will probably be assigned a guardian ad litem or equivalent who will represent the best interests of the child and who will evaluate you and him and make recommendations to the judge that carry a lot of weight. They will interview him and if he says things like you make the baby 'needy' and a 2 and a half year old is less troublesome than an infant, their eyebrows will go up and their pens will scratch in their note pads.
Don't argue with him, let him think these jaw droppingly clueless things. Hope he does say them to the GAL. But understand he does have rights and it's hard and a long process to get them restricted. Users have the right to raise their kids provided it doesn't endanger them. The bar for endangerment is really high.
Lots of men want 50/50 because they think they will get a break on child support or won't even have to pay it.
Every jurisdiction is a little different and every judge has their own ways, so talk to your lawyer. He knows better than any of us here, and good luck to you.
I don't know this guy, but I've seen this happen more than once or twice! He's posturing and threatening and all kinds of crap....he'll make you fret and worry and lay awake nights wondering if your daughter will be taken care of. And after one or two overnight visits you'll find he has all kinds of excuses for not being able to take her this weekend or that weekend. It's all just a BUNCH OF QUACKING!!! Just stay calm, speak thru your attorney, stay NO CONTACT, and do what you have to do to make this keep moving forward. He's using your daughter as a power ploy to get to you. It's easy to see from where I sit, but I certainly understand your anxiety.
(((Hugs))) Keep breathing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I'm even more confused now
Ok. I spoke with my lawyer and though she says she'll do what I ask re: serving him with proceedings, she advises to give mediation another try, because our first sessions was shortened due to the necessary intro stuff. It actually took up most of the time.
I can see where she may be going with this, but I'm seriously worried about doing more mediation with this...man. Her advice was to go on Thursday and, if it doesn't go well, to serve him Friday. Why do I get the feeling that this lawyer isn't really being aggressive enough, or rather, doesn't really have much advice to give me?
In the meantime though, she didn't give me much advice regarding tomorrow's visit. I don't know how to address the issues here:
a) he wants to see DD, but won't let me in his/our apartment because I'm not allowed to see his son
b) DD still nurses everyday after daycare, anywhere between 16h45 and 17h30. How am I supposed to accomplish this with what he proposes?
The lawyer suggested doing the visit someplace public, like a McDonald's but I know that XH won't go for it at all. He's lazy to the utmost and anything requiring him to do work or to go outside of his comfort zone will be summarily rejected.
Re a court order...I can have him served with an order of protection but he still has the right to see DD until we go to court, approximately 10 days after he is served. THEN he doesn't have a right to see her, until an agreement can be reached or until a judgment is passed. So, do I have him served asap or what?
Once again, I'm confused.
Based on what Bucyn and others have told me, I'm generally feeling as though I have no recourse whatsoever right now, as in "I'm powerless towards my XH". It's a very frustrating and frightening feeling.
I can see where she may be going with this, but I'm seriously worried about doing more mediation with this...man. Her advice was to go on Thursday and, if it doesn't go well, to serve him Friday. Why do I get the feeling that this lawyer isn't really being aggressive enough, or rather, doesn't really have much advice to give me?
In the meantime though, she didn't give me much advice regarding tomorrow's visit. I don't know how to address the issues here:
a) he wants to see DD, but won't let me in his/our apartment because I'm not allowed to see his son
b) DD still nurses everyday after daycare, anywhere between 16h45 and 17h30. How am I supposed to accomplish this with what he proposes?
The lawyer suggested doing the visit someplace public, like a McDonald's but I know that XH won't go for it at all. He's lazy to the utmost and anything requiring him to do work or to go outside of his comfort zone will be summarily rejected.
Re a court order...I can have him served with an order of protection but he still has the right to see DD until we go to court, approximately 10 days after he is served. THEN he doesn't have a right to see her, until an agreement can be reached or until a judgment is passed. So, do I have him served asap or what?
Once again, I'm confused.
Based on what Bucyn and others have told me, I'm generally feeling as though I have no recourse whatsoever right now, as in "I'm powerless towards my XH". It's a very frustrating and frightening feeling.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
(hypothetical question) Why are you trying to reason with an alcoholic about what is in the best interest of your innocent little toddler?
It's like reasoning with a crazy person. You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You cannot make him be normal or behave rationally.
Two words saved my sanity and my little boys as well - NO CONTACT.
It's like reasoning with a crazy person. You cannot fix him. You cannot change him. You cannot make him be normal or behave rationally.
Two words saved my sanity and my little boys as well - NO CONTACT.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I would gladly go no contact if it were possible. We still need to meet in mediation. He still contacts me to discuss visitation with our daughter, and his inquiries need to be answered. If custody wasn't an issue, I'd have blocked his number and email a long time ago.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Can you forward his emails to your attorney and have her respond?
Geez, this guy sounds like a total control freak. Please stop listening to him when he says if you don't agree with his terms, that you'll both lose custody. It's simply not true.
It's also funny that he thinks a 2yo won't be needy. Tell that to my 3 1/2 yo! Then again, maybe it's my fault for bfing her until she was 2.
Geez, this guy sounds like a total control freak. Please stop listening to him when he says if you don't agree with his terms, that you'll both lose custody. It's simply not true.
It's also funny that he thinks a 2yo won't be needy. Tell that to my 3 1/2 yo! Then again, maybe it's my fault for bfing her until she was 2.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 93
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
But Pelican...would it be silly to hope that maybe XH would restrain himself from drinking for his DD? I mean, he didn't stop drinking for me, but perhaps his baby girl would be motivation enough?
As far as the custody, it must be tough but lots of good advice in these threads. I'm sure that this isn't the first time your lawyer, the mediator and the police have seen these issues. I also agree with naive...direct him to your lawyer if you can.
Question...do you know for a fact that he hasn't been drinking when he picks her up from daycare? My AH never picks up DD at school because he knows he's been drinking...however, he DOES NOT know that I have alerted her school of the situation so that in the event he would ever decide to, they make the call if he can leave with her or not. They either call me...or the authorities. Just something to think about.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Sounds like bs control games. See what your lawyer says. Maybe do your own research into applicable child custody laws on your own as well. Knowledge is power IMHO. I've come to believe that if we don't come to our own conclusions basedon our own knowledge, someone else will; often to our detriment.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
This may be a really stupid question, but have you been very clear with your lawyer about your husband being an alcoholic and abusive and controlling?
Have you asked her why she's insisting on the mediation?
I dunno, I'd be all over this, demanding that something be done about this guy. If the lawyer doesn't get that from you, she can't act. If she is getting that from you, she may not be the best attorney for you.
Also, you can set up visitation for weeks at a time, and go NC accept for texts and email. It'll help your sanity.
Have you asked her why she's insisting on the mediation?
I dunno, I'd be all over this, demanding that something be done about this guy. If the lawyer doesn't get that from you, she can't act. If she is getting that from you, she may not be the best attorney for you.
Also, you can set up visitation for weeks at a time, and go NC accept for texts and email. It'll help your sanity.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
The lawyer suggested doing the visit someplace public, like a McDonald's but I know that XH won't go for it at all.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: lexington ky
Posts: 5
What about filing for emergency temporary custody. We have what they call friends of the court in KY which can be very helpful. At least then you will have custody till it can be monitored by someone. If you are worried and have proof he may not be fit they will order supervised visitation. If he doesn't do what they want and how they want he won't be able to see the child. So if his temper gets the best of him then it would be to your advantage. It always comes down to the best interest of the child and they will try to give equal time but if he is saying he doesn't want that much time now that looks bad on him. quit talking to him 100% and don't believe anything he says. Go through the courts. I went through this with my husbands girls and we tried for three years to get custody and proove her unfit(the mom). Finally we got custody a year and a half ago. Watch your words so you don't seem unkind. Keep a journal of everything from phone calls to what he does to support your child. Document everything and expect him to do the same. Sorry for your stress I have been there but always remember we have to fight for our kids no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi noday, if you take a look at all the adult children of alcoholics out there, you'll realize how many fathers couldn't stop drinking for their children. We had a baby and he still drank; one night after I made the effort to go and see a softball game (where they were all drinking too), I thought he'd come home with me, but he walked me to the car, dropped his equipment, and said he was going to meet up with the team. Left me in a parking garage with an 8 month old. He got sober when I finally got serious about recovery and asked him to leave.
My brother had to deal with his mentally ill (and undiagnosed for years) ex-wife. She took him through the ringer - threats against their 2 children, fraud on his credit cards and accounts, child abuse and molestation charges etc etc. At first he explained all this stuff away, and then he smartened up and started to keep records to protect himself (courts like to side with the moms). He kept her crazy, escalating phone messages to him. Every time she did something or threatened, he'd call the police and have them come, even if just to take his statement. To have it on official record. And when things ended up with the police or in front of a judge, she would unravel quickly because her reasoning was distorted. After a while, and when they'd split already it continued, and eventually the police and judges nodded their heads when they'd see her and send my brother home. And even though it took some time, he eventually had full custody and she had minimal and supervised visits. And even when she went to prison, the courts still assigned visits. She didn't make many of them, but it was what was set, and if she didn't do it, too bad so sad.
Protect yourself and your baby by keeping records. Emails, voicemails left, a record of what transpired even if you have to involve police. And do not engage in any other conversation than you need to. When she called our home (bro stayed there awhile) we would say 'talk to his lawyer' and hang up. After the 10th call, screaming, we'd call the police. When our utilities were cut off, we called the police. Etc. We didn't speak with her AT ALL. And if she finally got him at some point, she'd say all the things he wanted to hear - I'll be better, I love you, I want you back, let's work together because of the girls.
He deals with it every day, even now the kids are almost grown and have their own issues/relationship with mom. One foot in front of the other. It can be done, but it will likely be methodical and ongoing. Take care of yourself.
My brother had to deal with his mentally ill (and undiagnosed for years) ex-wife. She took him through the ringer - threats against their 2 children, fraud on his credit cards and accounts, child abuse and molestation charges etc etc. At first he explained all this stuff away, and then he smartened up and started to keep records to protect himself (courts like to side with the moms). He kept her crazy, escalating phone messages to him. Every time she did something or threatened, he'd call the police and have them come, even if just to take his statement. To have it on official record. And when things ended up with the police or in front of a judge, she would unravel quickly because her reasoning was distorted. After a while, and when they'd split already it continued, and eventually the police and judges nodded their heads when they'd see her and send my brother home. And even though it took some time, he eventually had full custody and she had minimal and supervised visits. And even when she went to prison, the courts still assigned visits. She didn't make many of them, but it was what was set, and if she didn't do it, too bad so sad.
Protect yourself and your baby by keeping records. Emails, voicemails left, a record of what transpired even if you have to involve police. And do not engage in any other conversation than you need to. When she called our home (bro stayed there awhile) we would say 'talk to his lawyer' and hang up. After the 10th call, screaming, we'd call the police. When our utilities were cut off, we called the police. Etc. We didn't speak with her AT ALL. And if she finally got him at some point, she'd say all the things he wanted to hear - I'll be better, I love you, I want you back, let's work together because of the girls.
He deals with it every day, even now the kids are almost grown and have their own issues/relationship with mom. One foot in front of the other. It can be done, but it will likely be methodical and ongoing. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Originally Posted by nodaybut2day
But Pelican...would it be silly to hope that maybe XH would restrain himself from drinking for his DD? I mean, he didn't stop drinking for me, but perhaps his baby girl would be motivation enough?
He worships at the altar of Alcohol. It is his God, his Wife, his Child, his Mistress. It is his whole world, Noday.
When I am able to give up on finding reaons why I think my husband should act "normally," I am better able to deal with the reality of my life and make decisions accordingly.
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