whereisthisgoin

Is there a sticky somewhere about what to think about and what info to gather?

I'm not there yet - but I am weighing my options.

I imagine he is too - so I need to be prepared.

Thanks.

sailorjohn

IMO, the only thing worse-possibly-than giving medical advice would be giving legal advice, divorce law varies widely from state to state. If you want professional advice cheaply, most local bar associations will let you consult with a lawyer for a very nominal fee, I did it a while back for $50, probably would be around $100 now.

Bernadette

Maybe try this from the "Classic Reading" sticky at the top of the first page of this forum.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html

As SJ said - if it's legal advice you want it gets so specific for each state....hope you have a lawyer you can speak with!

good luck-
b

whereisthisgoin

But personal advice is okay? Your msg doesn't make sense for this message board.

I'm not stupid. I don't want legal advice I want voice of experience on the subject on how to prepare, things to think about.

isurvived

If you have children, or significant assets-things like property/stocks/bonds/savings, it is best to hire an attorney. I live in a 50/50 state, you may too... and the courts grant a 'no-fault' divorce (meaning there need not be any grounds/reason to divorce, only that the marriage is irretrievably broken). This allows the courts to treat the case as more of a 'business' dissolvement - which makes it pretty sterile, cut and dried when it comes to stating the findings. Assets and debts are listed by each party, and the court will decide how those are divided - if the two of you can't.

If you have children, the court will also decide on custody, child support, and visitation.

Issues involving assets and children really are best handled by an experienced lawyer. You don't want to get into court under those conditions without an attorney, and suddenly find that your spouse has one!

But if you don't have children or assets you can do it yourself "Pro se". Many states have online forms you can download and complete, with exact directions... all very affordable.

Usually to file for divorce, first thing is to file a petition/summons which are the papers stating that you are suing for divorce that are served on your spouse. On those papers, the spouse must respond to the court in a given amount of time and appear in court, you'll appear also, and meet with a family court commissioner. That person sets forth the initial temporary orders for who pays what bills, who gets to live in the marital home during the proceedings, visitation for the children arrangements. At that hearing, both of you are required to bring a completed financial disclosure - which allows the court to divide responsibilities on bill payments, etc.

Most states have a waiting period before the final divorce is granted. The court also requires a completed parenting plan by both parties (if there are children).

Most states have a waiting period after the divorce that prohibit you from re-marrying during that time.

Hope that helps.

whereisthisgoin

Do most end up having to sell the house or is there any attempt to try and keep the child in the home he is living in?

I understand this may borderline on legal advice - I promise not to take any answer as gospel.....this is just one of those things I am wondering about.

Pelican

I could not afford the payments on our house. AH had taken out a second mortgage after one year in the house.

I have full custody of my teens. If I could have made the payments, I could have stayed in the house on one of these conditions:
a-I would need a renter's contract to rent the house from him since it was in his name. OR
b-I would need to get the mortgage financed in my name

My HP gave me a different option. An option I had not considered. The same week I filed the petition for divorce, I got a job offer (promotion) in a city 100 miles away.

The court systems use financial guides to determine household incomes and percentage for living expenses and child support.

My ex and I had to fill out the financial forms. They based child support on those reports. I also provided my lawyer with 7 years of tax reports to prove my spouses earning potential. We asked for alimony based on those figures. My ex could have hired a lawyer and contested those figures. He chose not to and signed the petition for divorce.

My point is this, you can want and wish for lots of things going into the divorce. Reality is what you have to face during the process. It is a black and white, fine tuned process to protect both parties and any children involved.

coffeedrinker

the initial consult with my attorney (someone referred to me by one "in the program" - very helpful!) was about me figuring out if i could do this thing. she put my income and expense on paper, figured out what child support would be, then looked at me and said, "I'm not telling you what to do. But I am telling you that you can do this. You CAN do this." It was incredibly empowering. I moved forward, with tremendous fear, have struggled financially, but never regretted my decision.

House? I think this varies from state to state, but my attorney said "If you want to stay in your house, you can. He cannot force a sale". The child support, plus an extra job I took on, enabled me to do that. I actually even refinanced without his signature a year later.

Use us for support - it is a daunting thing to approach. For me, I moved VERY slowly.

whereisthisgoin

I love your username - I am big fan of coffee.
I do appreciate your support and insight. It is comforting to hear that you went through it and ended up okay even.

coffeedrinker

More than ok. My favorite story is from the Christmas after my divorce. I was taking down the tree, alone (kids must have been at dad's or something). When it was undecorated, I put on gloves, propped the door open, picked that big thing up and carried it out to the curb. I swear, I heard the "Rocky" theme song playing in the background! I was so proud of myself and felt it was more symbolic than anything else.

LaTeeDa

Nolo Press has do-it-yourself books on divorce that are state specific. I bought the one for California and did my own divorce. I also had a free phone consultation with an attorney in the beginning, and utilized the free resources provided by the courts. (Here it's called a Family Law Facilitator) They can't give legal advice, but they help you dot all the i's and cross all the t's.

Much depends on whether you can agree on the terms or not. One of the reasons I waited so long to finish the divorce after we separated is because I did not want a big fight. We came to an agreement and never even had to go to court. Just my experience.

L

husbandofacoa

I strongly recommend that you go through some of the divorce information on the internet. Some of the lawyers that I have met will screw their clients. They make mountains out of mole hills just to bill more money. In my state, a lot of the issues are already set by state law and therefore no litigation is really necessary. Some of the lawyers in this area don't tell their clients this so that they can run up a big bill.

You definately need a lawyer but you need to know your rights before you sign up and start spending money. If you have a friend who has been through this, it is a good place to start.

Just my 2 cents worth.

isurvived

Well in my case, I kept the house. I had to pay him for half of it, or sell it to pay him off his half. Courts are pretty cut and dried about these things.