Same Old....

Old 11-21-2009, 08:13 PM
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Same Old....

In a nutshell, ABF had been sober 60 or so days after being a Dry Drunk or in an actively drinking state since I moved out to join him. During the respites, we did genuinely enjoy each other, being together and doing the day to day things that couples do.

Things came to a head in late summer when I had enough of his tirades, his temper, his verbal abuse, his drinking and finally, his threats to my physical well being so I kicked him out with a little help from the police and since he had nowhere to go, he ended up in a homeless shelter.

I know, I should have ended things then but I guess I wasn't quite ready to do it - I found a new place to live as did he and he started going to AA-I continued in Al-Anon so I figured that things may have begun to turn around and for a while, things were on quite an even keel up till a couple of weeks ago - I saw the signs of a slip coming and yes, thought that he could work through them, but he started drinking again and it was the same thing, the only difference being that I could hang up the phone and shut it off this time as we were not living together.

Last week, more volleys were fired out of the blue that "I had crossed boundaries", that I didn't understand him, that it was "over." I didn't call or answer any emails until the middle of the week and when I did call, it was to say that if he wanted it to be over, then that was it. No contact, nothing. Silly me - I felt a twinge of remorse and decided to go out with him yesterday to a movie-he came back here after and all seemed to be going quite well.

Fast forward to late this afternoon-had our usual morning call, all was well, he went to an AA meeting at noon, called again, all was well then and then at dinner, that's when the fun began all over again as he was drinking and the accusations started again that "I didn't understand him" (he is an ACOA) and that my membership in Al-Anon was a "slap in the face to him" as I went there for him and he felt that I betrayed him because of this. Oh, yes, he had attended Al-Anon many years ago - he has been through three rehabs, numerous counseling and AA sessions throughout the years so he is no stranger to this.

This "slap in the face" - because we have "only been together 2 years" (some long distance, the last 9 months together) that I actually needed Al-Anon was his latest breaking point, showing that I could not be trusted, that I had no heart, no compassion....well, the quacking went on and on and on. It was like walking in an endless circle, having a conversation that had no beginning or end as my so called faults, my so-called issues are always brought to the table while bypassing his. Classic alcoholic-in-denial behaviour I know, but it is so hard not to get drawn up in it in spite of being aware of what is going on, of knowing these behaviours from past experience.

Yes, I slipped-I got frustrated, angry and drawn in to his world of self pity and judgment, the whole nine yards and have sat for the past hour or so trying to calm down so I could think somewhat rationally. Before finding the doors of AL-Anon and the pages of SR, I would have given into him, would have sucked it up and gone back for another round, my mind would have been swiss cheese, trying to figure out where I went wrong or what I said. From Day One, my involvement in Al-Anon has been a sore point with him and my going to an Al-Anon workshop last weekend has festered in his mind since last weeks binge.

So, is this it this time? Have I been used as an emotional punching bag for the last time? Funny thing-as much as I do love him, have compassion for him being in the throes of a terrible disease, know the hell he lived through as a child of alcoholics, this time, I know I have to step back totally to let go and let God. His email # phone #'s are blocked so I can enjoy some peace and quiet.

What kept coming back to my mind as I tried to think things through was AA/AL-Anon's Step 1 - We are powerless over alcohol....I am, he is and along with that, he is powerless over me and my freedom to make decisions-to stay or leave, to stay with Al-Anon, to find my own place, to make friends here in a new town, to make the choice to free my life from his chaos, to live as peacefully as possible. His loss of control over my choices - he calls it "my calling the shots" brings out the worst in him and it only happens when he has been drinking - each and every time, he finds something new to go off on to try and blame someone else for his drinking.

To be honest, I could analyze it to death, could sit down and write him an email and send it off, saying what I have said here but I know it would be no use as it would all be thrown back at me and my words twisted around.

Yeah, I am angry - at the disease of alcoholism and what it does not only to the alcoholic but all of the others who are in their paths-be it spouses, partners, children, anyone who loves them. It's so true that alcoholics don't have relationships-they hold hostages and speaking as a hostage, I think it's time I freed myself to let him walk his own path.
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Old 11-21-2009, 08:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister;2439949-[COLOR="RoyalBlue"
I continued in Al-Anon


Before finding the doors of AL-Anon and the pages of SR, I would have given into him, would have sucked it up and gone back for another round, my mind would have been swiss cheese, trying to figure out where I went wrong or what I said.

I know I have to step back totally to let go and let God. His email # phone #'s are blocked so I can enjoy some peace and quiet.

What kept coming back to my mind as I tried to think things through was AA/AL-Anon's Step 1 - We are powerless over alcohol....I am, he is and along with that, he is powerless over me and my freedom to make decisions-to stay or leave, to stay with Al-Anon, to find my own place, to make friends here in a new town, to make the choice to free my life from his chaos, to live as peacefully as possible.

I think it's time I freed myself to let him walk his own path[/COLOR].
(((linkmeister)))

I appologize for chopping up your post. I wanted to show you your recovery (w/o alcoholic). Your recovery is showing, and it looks good on you!

I know this last encounter will hurt and feel painful. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

Wishing you brighter tomorrows
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Old 11-21-2009, 09:05 PM
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Thanks for the encouraging words, Pelican. It's scary taking that first step to life w/o ABF and there's no doubt it's painful. It hurts. It hurts a lot but the more I can grasp the concept of the pain of the last little while with him and the "never-ending-ness" (I made up a new word I think) of it and weigh it against the pain I'm feeling now - knowing that there is an end to this pain at some point in time, it does help me to a degree.

Thank God I have a four legged canine support system-Lord knows he has been through a lot with my up and down emotions and ABF's but through it all, seeing that sweet face always there for me is a comfort. He reminds me of what is real and gives me a reason to get through the day - feeding, walking, playing those are things that will help me to keep my mind focused.
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