transformyself

Yeah, GL had to lock my thread about my AH, it's a good thing cause I was totally freaked out.

I got some councel on it though, figured out what the deal is and how to handle it better next time.

Please accept my apology. I don't want you guys to be hurt by my anger or hold onto it. This is a healing place and we're all at different levels. I want to help not be a pain in the rear...

Hammer

Seen all that today.

The CSA stuff is messy. Been there, done it, got the t-shirt.

Mrs. Hammer, too. In our case she is the AA'er, and I started Al-Anon about 2 months ago.

Actually was wishing I had caught you on some of that.

For a brief background, we had met in Real Life after meeting on-line while helping other folks with CSA related stuff.

Her dad would get her drunk cause drunk chicks are easy. (that is my short-hand). She grew up a teenage alky until college smacked her upside the head and the department ordered to AA. All for the good in my book. 9 years since we met, and we have three lovely kids and overall life is pretty good.

But she has been in AA for 12 years, now, and has a great sponsor, and I had top-notch therapy . . . . but we still have problems with some of this. That is why I am back here. Just letting you know you are not alone in this, and the problems are normal parts of the condition.

Back towards the CSA -- This is way messier than most of open Al-Anon and AA stuff tends to deal in.

Symptoms do sometimes come out as Alcoholism -- or PTSD -- more like you and me. Or bunches of other (and many worse) symptoms.

I think everyone was whomping on you in sort a dogma way, that his CSA stuff is not an excuse. I did not think I saw you saying that it was -- I tend to look at what you were saying as more of an explanation -- very different than an excuse.

For me, it helps me to know where Mrs. Hammer's alcohol issues stem from. I imagine the same for you. Does not cure them, but some times a good why is a good thing.

transformyself

Thank you Hammer.

I think folks were stuck in thinking I was "in denial" It was frustrating, but I can't lash out at if that happens. I"m responsible for my actions and own them. Which means change and not do it again.

We haven't talked about it (my AH and I) since it happened. He's embarrassed I think, which is his stuff, but the tone between us is different, which I think is a good thing because I'm going to be at his house for the next 2 weeks preparing to hand over our home. We have to be out Dec 4. I left with just the essentials and have been afraid to go back, but my trip out of town to a conference has me in love with my life again, which is the catalyst for detachment. Don't know how healthy that is but hey I'm grateful for it.

It's a much better space for me to be in, instead of raging and heartbroken, I feel like my life is moving forward and whenever I'm happy with my life and excited by it, it's easier to let go of that relationship.

It's better for everyone for he and I to be formal and polite, all though I do expect him to snap into crazy yelling guy at any time. I know who he is and what he's capable of. I also know myself and am relieved to be holding him--kindly--at arms length emotionally. Pelican posted a thread about being in boundry-less relationships that was insightful. I'll find it and repost I did relate to some of it. To more of that than the listings for codependents that I've read.

Buffalo66

I thought your thread was really helpful.

I am a survivor of CSA, and I deeply suspect that my A is as well. He is unaware.
These issues are sensitive, and SR forum people can come down hard.

I understand your actions, and your reactions. I would have done much the same as you did.

transformyself

Thanks Buffalo

I too am CSA survivor and suspected there was something up with AH as well. I knew that his mother had emotionally turned him into her boyfriend and caregiver after his father ran off with his now step mom. He was the last child at home, in high school, and he had to take care of her.

I never asked him if anything inappropriate ever happened, was too busy sorting out my sordid issues. This is, in part, why I was so compassionate with him the other night. I know what it's like when these memories come flooding in.

I am carefully, consciously detached from his method of dealing with it. From his future with this information.Heaven knows there were people in my life that wanted me to take a different path than I did (which was spin in chaos and reactionary emotion for decades).

This make perfect sense to me and in a way I"m relieved. It's helped me SO much in placing what the heck is wrong with this family--that has all material wealth they could want, success and is really good at looking great to outsiders, yet the father is so emotionally void and distant I could barely bring myself to hold conversation with him. It was always, only, awkward.

For years I thought it was me. I'm a bit of a free wheelin sort anyway. The family scapegoat. The "crazy" one that was singled out, laughed at, and when I got upset they'd say "oh what's wrong can't you take a joke?" That's what my family did to truth speakers, at least this one. Beat me down. Tried to. I"m still standing, though, with all my imperfections. I ran away from home at 13, was gone for six months, lived with a motorcycle gang. Lived in parks. Anything was better than what I endured at home. I often think I"m so lucky to be a) alive and b) as relativly sane as I am-ha. All though my snapping here earlier does concern me. I still have a long way to go to reach freedom.


So for years I thought it was just me with AH family. Thought I didn't have social grace. But it's not me! AH family is WAY JACKED UP and I"m glad I know these things.

Even though I appreciate hearing this support, I am a bit frightened of dragging this out. If we can learn lessons together, that's great. But I don't want to point fingers.

Good night everyone!