whyamistaying

Bother me.

I filed for divorce and served him 2 weeks ago. He has not left. He has lost his job and gone to jail in the interim.

He got his job back yesterday with a 15% pay cut and they want him to go to meetings every day. He has been but I found beer on the back.

I had my hopes up. He had been sober (or so I thought) for 9 days. And when I found the beer just laying there on the grass my heart dropped.

Why does this still bother me? I suppose maybe I think that if jail, divorce, and a job loss don't do it then maybe his bottom is living on the streets or death. And that makes me sad.

isurvived

Why does all of this still bother you? Because you are still emotionally attached to him. You said you still have "hopes". As long as you are attached, you'll be troubled with it.

You have to let it go. And... remember that YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT, AND CAN'T STOP IT.

Cut yourself some slack... it takes time to detach... lots of time.

Don't put your life "on hold" waiting for him to sober up. It is a waste of time.

Still Waters

Watching fellow human beings destroy themselves is not a fun thing. Even if you aren't emotionally invested.

whyamistaying

On Monday I had my normal Monday night meeting. I talked to a lady who I had talked to the very first night I went to Al Anon. She told me that even if he stops drinking he has lots of work to do and to keep the focus on myself.

It is so hard to do when you see him sober because anything is fixable when you are sober. I have never cared whether he is rich, poor, skinny, fat, attracdtive, not....I just can't do this alcohol crap anymore.

He hasn't left the house. In my state you need a domestic violence issue to get a kick out order. But the atty said most people leave when served with papers...not my husband. So maybe that is what is keeping me in the loop or attached.

This morning is my Saturday meeting thankfully. I still don't have a sponsor and there is a lady who I want to be my sponsor. I'm going to ask her and hopefully she'll say yes.

gerryP

I'm sorry dear......

ItsmeAlice

I haven't been love with my XABF for years.

I've been in recovery since January.

I've been separated from XABF since the start of August.

I haven't spoken to him since September.

I blocked his number a month ago.

Yesterday, I was walking my dogs up the street and I saw a beer bottle and an empty box of cigarettes someone had tossed on the roaside (familiar brands even), and I felt nauseous and agitated. I couldn't keep from looking at them. My mood changed noticeably. I started out enjoying the walk taking in a beautiful day, and I ended the walk feeling sullen and sad.

We've been affected by addiction in ways we can only begin to examine. I try to think of them as emotional echos or ghostly feelings that have no tangible weight. It helps me realize that it's just a response that happens because my body is just used to reacting that way.

Maybe that's why chocolate makes my pants shrink? They're just used to it. HEHEE

Hang in there. You're not alone!

Alice

naive

totally relate to that, alice.

i was in the grocery store and they had all the bottles of drink for christmas in a pretty display at the end of the aisle. i looked at all the bottles and i was angry at them! i stood and looked at them for awhile, actually, wondering how many christmases would be ruined because someone was drunk.

sheesh, i'm loosing it. i'm mad at a bottle now!

kv816

Been there too! I deal with the public every day and I've always been really good at putting on this 'act' like I care and want to help them with whatever their complaint is, mainly to the people who are extremely rude and inconsiderate or the ones who really could handle their complaint in some way better than calling the police!!! But even the slightest hint of drinking--either the smell or seeing piles of empty cans--really pisses me off and I'm about as rude as I can be. I go into defense mode, ready to fight if need be. I'm so tired of it that I don't want to put up with it at all, ever. Even with those occasional drinkers...where it's one drink every once in a blue moon.

blessed4x

Some wise person here told me that I was giving alcohol way too much credit. Just because he quits drinking doesn't mean everything will be okay. You are doing a great job going to meetings, finding a sponsor, taking care of you. It wasn't until I FINALLY let go of my RAH's recovery (or should I say until they peeled my bloody paws off of it, lol) that he started finding his own way. He quit drinking lots of times and he was the same jerk he was drinking.....sometimes worse. It wasn't until he found his own way to AA that he started changing from the inside out. He credits the divorce with that, says if I hadn't gone through with it and he hadn't had that time alone to be forced to look at himself without the distractions (me running around like a chicken with her head cut off fixing everyone), he never would have "hit bottom".

Everyone's different. Your STBXAH won't have the same experience as mine, or anyone else's. Stay focused on the path you are on to heal you. Give him the dignity to seek his own recovery....or not.

whyamistaying

I had my Al Anon meeting yesterday and it was a round robin. It was great. I do need to keep the focus on me.

I asked the lady I wanted to ask if she would be my sponsor. She isn't a sponsor and told me she doesn't even have one herself. She's been going there since 2005 and maybe from her shares, I assumed she was. So, I'm still on the hunt.

He is still drinking and starts his job tomorrow with the pay cut. It will just be temporary I'm assuming since they'll find out he is still drinking at some point.

I had taken some measures for the kids and I to be independent, but need to take more. Kinda got off track there a bit because I was enjoying his sobriety.