HoopNinja

Because of his dad's hideous behavior when drunk my older son cannot stand it when anyone drinks and thinks anyone who drinks anything is bad. I have tried to share with him that not everyone is an alcoholic. But if he sees someone drinking a glass of wine he then does not trust them anymore (and I mean one glass of wine). I understand that his dad's behavior has influenced him.

But how can I teach him that it is OK for people to drink alcohol and that not all people who drink are like his dad. I used to occasionally have a glass of wine with dinner but have completely stopped drinking anything because he thinks I will turn into his dad. I understand his fear. But when out with friends he gets upset if they order a beer or glass of wine with their dinner and then will come home and tell me he does not think I should be friends with them anymore because they drink.

Also, last night he got very upset with me because my asthma doc prescribed cough medicine for me that makes me sleepy (it is hydrocodone and the only thing that I can take that prevents me from getting severe bronchitis). I never take it during the day because it is a narcotic. I take it at night when I go to bed. But he heard the pharmacist telling me about the medications and got very upset that I am "taking drugs". He is a very controlling child already because of his attachment disorder and PTSD so it is an even bigger issue.

How have other addressed this with their kids?

Thanks.

Lilya

I would think your son needs more explaining and more time. He is obviously very shaken by his father´s alcholism.

My adopted niece has a mother who is a junkie. She is 11 years old and very controlling too. She gets upset when I have guests or when we have dinner with other members of my family who drink redwine with their food. As a recovering alcoholic I don´t drink and I have explained to her why.

What I have done is explaining to her over and over again the difference between moderate drinking and drug and drink abuse. She also gets information at school and the school therapist was involved.

It may take time. My adopted niece was very insecure at the age of nine. It was a difficult period, but with the help of the school therapist, we helped her through it. I also had her working on a creative project, so she could write about her inner angst. It really helped.

Give it more time and more explanation, that´s my advice.

Good luck.

gerryP

Maybe you should speak to your child's Doctor and ask for help with this, especially since you mention that he has an attachment disorder and PTSD.

Given this, explaining that it's okay to have one drink and not all people who drink are like his Dad is likely not easy for him to accept. Sounds like this runs much deeper for him.

Chrysalis123

Maybe have an "authority" figure explain it to him. Perhaps a counselor or his doctor, or pastor.

I have a 14 year old that momentarily panicked when I walked in the door one day with a bottle of wine. I don't drink often, and never wine. Once I explained it was for cooking she settled down. But it reminded me how fragile she still is and how scary her dad's alcoholism is for her.

Lilya

I think Gerry and Chrysalis are both right. Your son would probably benefit from both a doctor and a therapist or an outside person with experience.

But in my experience, I have two kids and have raised three, nine year old kids tend to be insecure and clingy. He will find about the difference in time, especially with the help of a good therapist.

I also had problems when I was sick and had to take aspirin and cough medicine. She wanted to measure each dose.

Give it time and plenty of patience.

Love and light.

HoopNinja

We see a therapist together for his attachment disorder and PTSD weekly. I agree patience is essential--the last 3 years have been very difficult and the decision to divorce his father was difficult because of the attachment disorder (he was adopted at the age of 15 months from a Russian orphanage). I was even told at one time that regardless of his dad's alcohol and drug abuse I should not divorce him or I would lose my son because he would think that if I did not love daddy because he has problems that I would not live him either. Fortunately the therapist I am working with, who agrees with most of what this other therapist says, totally disagreed with her and said staying was the same as saying it is OK for people to treat us the way your father does.
I think it is just terrifying for him to be around anyone who drinks. He knows his dad also uses drugs and we have had many talks about medication given by a doctor vs. drugs not given by a doctor and the difference.
I think time is important. . .but I see that this runs so deep that it make take a very long time.
Thank you for all your help. This is a tough one because he has so many other things he is working on and tossing in another, while difficult, I think will be important so he does not see everyone as being someone else who is going to hurt him.

kv816

One of my all time favorite "how to for dummies" books is "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk". Lord that book worked WONDERS!!! I found some pictures my 10 year old (9 then) had drawn that really upset me (very explicit drawings of one girl shooting another girl--complete with bullet trails and pools of blood). I asked her. I begged her. I got nothing as far as an answer goes. Pulled out that book and read it again. Started one of the projects it suggested and just kind of threw in some talk and got my answer. She didn't even realize she was talking to me about it. Her mind was so preoccupied with what we were doing (the project) that it didn't dawn on her we were talking about these drawings.

The book has a lot of really good suggestions on how to deal with and handle difficult situations with children. I got mine years ago and paid $30 for it but I've seen it on Amazon for pennies. I'm SOO glad I know about Amazon now....I've quadrupled my personal library for 1/16th of the cost!!